The Book of the Unnamed Midwife

by Meg Elison

  Dusty nodded. It was what she predicted they’d do.

  “You could come with us . . .” Honus looked at Dusty, and she couldn’t look away.

  “Go on.”

  “You’d be welcome in Huntsville. You’d . . . we’d have to tell them . . . You couldn’t fool them forever.”

  “Mm-hmm. And then I entertain suitors.”

  “The bishop would . . .”

  Dusty started to laugh. “Show me where to get my white dress. I can’t wait.”

  “What are you going to do, Dusty? Where are you going to go?”

  “Not Huntsville.” She sipped her coffee.

  “Can’t you just . . .” Honus was not crying yet, but she could see it coming.

  I can’t and you can’t. Jodi needs you and I don’t. Get the hint, Honus.

  “I had a nightmare.” Jodi was staring at the middle of the table, at nothing. “I had a nightmare about the two of you. Honus was cheating on me with you. Isn’t that weird?”

  “That’s really weird, Jodi. Why do you think you dreamed that?”

  Honus’s face had lost all its color. He sat rigidly in place and did not speak.

  “I guess I had been thinking about the baby for so long—” Her voice caught on the word baby, but she pushed through it. “That I forgot I have a husband. And I love him, and he needs my attention. You know?”

  “Yes, that makes sense.” She was cold. Completely cold. In her veins and in her heart, there was nothing but cold, cold water.

  “Like, I know it would never really happen because you’re gay and stuff.”

  “Am I now?”

  Jodi ignored her. “But still, I woke up really mad. Like, really mad. So I woke up Honus and told him we had to move on. Try again.”

  “Try again?”

  “Once I’ve healed. We can try again to have a baby.”

  “I see.” Dusty drained her coffee cup. “I have a counteroffer. I have drugs that will help you—”

  “No. I’m not going to take birth control in this world. This world needs babies more than it needs anything else.”

  “I can give it to you. In case you change your mind.”

  “I’m not going to. I’m sure that Honus and I will have a baby that will live. I don’t want it.”

  “You might change your mind if you live through another one like this.”

  Jodi’s eyes reddened. “That won’t happen again.”

  “No. You’re right. Next time, without any help, you’ll probably die. Duty done, punch out. I tried to have babies who would die but instead I did the dying myself. Hang a wreath around me, call me saint. Call me Mama.”

  Jodi got up so suddenly that her chair shot out behind her. “You’re just jealous! You’re just jealous of me and Honus because you have nobody!”

  I could tell her now and it would destroy them both. Take the last thing I know that hasn’t fallen apart and crumble it. For what?

  Dusty did not move. She stared into her empty coffee cup. “If only I had my own sexless marriage and dead baby. Then I could be like you. You’re right. You have so much, and I wish, Jodi. I wish.”

  “Dusty.” Honus spoke to her as though punishment was his to give.

  Dad’s mad. Fuck you.

  “Fuck you both,” she said, rising from the table. “Go when you want. I am done giving a shit. Don’t worry about your nightmare, Jodi. Your husband is as uninterested in sex as you are. Save it for procreation. He doesn’t care.”

  She walked out of the room and went to the back of the house. She started to pack.

  The house was silent. Dusty dreamed of Roxanne, who spoke in Jack’s voice. “Hey, sweets. Let’s walk the bridge?”

  “Where are we going?”

  “With the chicken.”

  She turned around and saw they were on the Golden Gate Bridge, and Chicken was there, holding Joe’s hand.

  “To get to the other side,” he said sullenly.

  Jodi dreamed of her baby boy. If she sat him down, she could watch him and see him smile. He made a sweet little gurgling noise, and she ached all over. When she picked him up, she was only holding a twisted-up blanket. She woke up alone in her bed and cried softly until she drifted back out to sleep.

  Honus dreamed that he was with Jodi, but Jodi wanted him with the heat and abandon that Dusty had shown. Her belly was round and tight between them, and he knew that the child would be a girl.

  “We’ll have to sell her.” Jodi was Dusty, her face changed and her voice was no one’s. Her lips didn’t move. “If we sell her, she’ll be safe.”

  “We can’t do that.”

  “We can do it in Mexico.” Jodi was naked, but out of reach. Receding. Receding. Out of reach.

  Somehow the three of them knew that today would be the day. At first light they were all up and making ready.

  Jodi found Dusty in the pantry.

  “Hey, I was going to pack up most of this since you guys are headed to Huntsville. But if there’s anything you want, you can have it.”

  “You hate powdered eggs anyways.”

  Dusty did not turn to face her. “I do. You can definitely have those. The Ovaltine, too.”

  “Hey. Dusty?”

  She turned this time.

  “Never mind.” Jodi left the kitchen.

  I never did.

  Dusty walked back to her room and passed Honus in the hallway. He was carrying a bag out to the front porch. It looked as though the Obermeyers were packing light.

  Dusty grabbed a rifle and a box of shells and followed him out.

  “Take this.”

  “I don’t need it.”

  “You don’t know what you’ll need. Maybe you’ll hunt with it.”

  He took it uncertainly and gently set the butt of it down on the ground. “I don’t know how to use it.”

  “Jodi does. I taught her the basics. Just take it, ok?”

  “Ok.”

  She stalked back in. When she came into the living room, she was ready to go. She was carrying more than she wanted to, and she knew she would not go far today.

  Honus had his hand on Jodi’s shoulder. “Go ahead.”

  Jodi looked sullen. “I . . . should thank you. You probably did save my life. Thank you. Like, really, thank you.”

  Dusty looked from Jodi to Honus. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s just what I do. You also don’t have to do anything Honus tells you. Not now, not ever. He needs you way more than you need him. Think about that.”

  She turned to him suddenly. “Could you leave us alone for a minute? Just step out on the porch. One sec.” She turned back to Jodi without waiting for an answer. Dismissed by Dusty’s eyes, Honus stepped out.

  She pulled a brick of plastic cartridges out of her bag. “This is enough birth control for three years. You just take one a day. It’s very simple.”

  Jodi did not reach for the banded bundle. “I told you, I’m not going to—”

  “Listen, listen. Just listen to me for one second, and then you won’t ever have to do it again. Something bad is going to happen. I guarantee it will. Probably it’s going to happen to Honus, and you’re going to have to deal with a lot of guys. Maybe they’ll be ok, maybe they won’t.”

  “It won’t! You don’t know.”

  Dusty glared. “Fine then, I’m crazy and nothing has changed and you’ll be in charge of bake sales forever. In case you’re not, hide these somewhere. And if you end up with someone who isn’t Honus, maybe who isn’t a nice person, you have the option to not go through this again. Or maybe if you and Honus are unlucky again, you’ll want to take a year or two off from this horror. Or give it to Patty when she gets her blood. Just fucking take them. Take them. Just to remind yourself that you have the option. Ok?”

  Jodi accepted them finally, and when she looked up, Dusty could see she was crying. “You don’t understand. It isn’t going to be like that. Everything’s going to be . . .” Jodi lost her breath, strangling to hold in sobs.

 
“Wonderful. Everything is wonderful. Be careful, Jodi. Keep your eyes open.” The impulse to hug her was strong, despite everything. She was tired of them, but still it tore a little.

  Honus came back in, and Jodi went out. She did not say good-bye.

  As soon as the door closed, Honus took Dusty in his arms. He crushed her to him, and she was turned on, all the way up, instantly ready. He kissed her, and she shook. She pulled back from him, disgust beginning to well up within her.

  “Come with us. Please come with us. Don’t let it end like this. We’ll work it out.”

  “Honus, don’t embarrass yourself. We’re done here.”

  His face went white.

  “Look, you’re a coward. You’ll never really be honest with Jodi, not about you or me or anything else. You don’t know how. I think you married her so that you’d never have to try too hard.”

  “That’s not why.”

  “Shhh. Almost done. What I told you will happen, about someone trying to take her from you, that’s going to happen. That will happen soon. Watch your back. Don’t go on any mysterious errands or hunting trips. Don’t trust anyone. Remember that you have the one thing that everyone wants.”

  He was shaking his head, grinning. “I knew you loved me. I knew it. You wouldn’t be so worried if you didn’t.”

  “That’s not why.”

  “Why then? Why do you even care?” He smiled like a man who knows he has won.

  “Because you’re both helpless. This is like helping a kitten get out of a tree. It’s not love, it’s pity. Just try to stay alive, ok?”

  Smile gone, he reached out to take her hand. She had cut her hair down to nothing and bound and bundled. She shifted her pack onto her shoulders and ignored his gesture.

  “Come on, Dusty. Come on.”

  She looked back to him and put her hand out. He held it awkwardly, and they stared at one another.

  After a moment, he let go. She adjusted her pack and headed to the door. The house seemed dingy with their shared life. Outside it, she felt the twin dawning of loneliness and relief.

  “You know where we’ll be.” Honus raised his hand in farewell.

  “I know. Good-bye.” She turned her back and started to walk. They watched her a minute before turning to head to Huntsville.

  The Obermeyers were welcomed warmly at the stake center. Nothing was made of their absence, and they were not asked to explain it. Fewer than a dozen in Huntsville had survived. Jodi was the third woman. The ratio of men to women was closer, but competition had increased. Close living quarters and desperation had made the congregation touchy and ragged.

  Bishop Lewis was jealous of Patty to the point that no one saw her. She was as closeted as she had ever been, and spent her days sewing and mending for the household. Sister Sterling told Jodi first when the day came that following summer that Patty had gotten her first period. Jodi’s thoughts ran to the untouched brick of pills Dusty had given her, but she said nothing.

  Jodi miscarried twice that year. Both times it was early, and she had told no one. She put them out of mind as hard late periods. Not children. Just blood. Just cramps and a few tired days.

  Two more suicides slipped out in the night. Bishop Lewis was furious and began setting a night watch so that no one could get away from the house they all shared. The house was old, built more than a hundred years before. Young men were bunked together in twos and threes in the old servants’ quarters. Jodi and Honus had a small room to themselves close to the master suite.

  They were the first to know when Lewis started having sex with Patty. The crying went on and on, even when the shrieking had stopped.

  The night watches failed, and little by little people dispersed. Two young men one night and three the next. The weather was warming up, and they were close to other small towns where they knew they could settle.

  By August, the three couples remained. Lewis and the hollow-eyed Patty behaved around each other as predator and prey.

  Jodi and Honus grew insular, spending all their time together, trying to live inside a bubble that kept out the rest of the world.

  Another woman was gone one day, and her husband raged after her in a car, determined to bring her back. Neither one returned. In the fall, Honus asked Jodi to leave with him.

  Jodi had a moment alone with Patty. She gave the girl a laundry basket full of clothes she told her needed mending. They were old clothes she didn’t want anymore.

  Inside them was the entire three-year supply.

  Honus and Jodi opened the front door and walked out that night as the full moon rose. Without a word, they walked back to the house where they had spent the last winter. It was exactly the way they had left it. They set about provisioning the house for the winter.

  Honus searched and searched for a sign of Dusty, for anything she had left behind. He had a wild hope that he would find a note from her like he had once found from his wife. Unidentifiable hairs in the shower drain, anonymous finger smudges on the door frame. Books she must have touched but had left no trace. He and Jodi slept together in the room that had once been only hers. He sat in Dusty’s room sometimes, to think. He pulled open her dresser drawers one day and found neatly folded in the top drawer the pajamas he had given her for Christmas. He touched them gently and closed the drawer.

  The Obermeyers celebrated Christmas again that year, but it felt hollow. Honus brought his wife more DVDs and batteries; she surprised him with a very nice pocketknife. They sang the same songs and lit the same tree. They both felt like hell, and they talked long into the night.

  “It’s not right. It wasn’t enough. We shouldn’t have left her there.”

  “What wasn’t enough?” Honus didn’t understand.

  “Never mind. We have to go get her. We have to.”

  “You’re right. I’m scared to do it, but you’re right.”

  They went out and started up the snowmobile. They rode back into Huntsville and let themselves in the unlocked door of the house. It was silent and dark. They crept up the stairs. Patty and Lewis were in a king bed, feet of distance between them. The girl slept curled tight into a ball. Jodi held the rifle and aimed it at Lewis. Honus woke Patty up quietly. She opened her eyes wide at his first touch. She scrambled out of bed naked and stood blue-white in the starlight that came through the window.

  “Who’s there?” Lewis was awake and peering into the dark.

  “It’s Jodi and Honus Obermeyer. We’re taking Patty to live with us.” Jodi sounded surer than she felt. She had her finger on the rifle’s trigger, but she had forgotten to load it.

  “You can’t take my wife.” Lewis was struggling up out of bed. He was a young man, but he was working on an impressive beard already. He wore white shorts and had to feel on the nightstand for his glasses.

  Honus had found a nightgown and dropped it over Patty’s head. She raised her arms obediently, letting him dress her like a doll. “Do you want to stay here?”

  Patty couldn’t answer. Her eyes were pure terror.

  “See, she’s fine. Now you two go on back to wherever you came from.” He stared at the barrel of the rifle while he spoke.

  Honus picked Patty up off her feet. She weighed nothing at all. He held her to his chest, and she was rigid, trembling.

  Honus walked out the bedroom door, and Jodi inched backward to follow.

  “Who do you think you are? You can’t just come in here and—”

  “She’s just a kid! What you’re doing is wrong, and you know it.”

  “She’s a woman, and she’s my wife. When she’s older she’ll understand better. It’s just hard for her to understand right now.”

  Jodi was still moving backward. “Don’t follow us or I’ll shoot. Stay right here.” She turned and slammed the door behind her. She bolted down the stairs to the snowmobile, where Honus had Patty on the seat behind him and Jodi got on after so that the two of them held her there.

  As they pulled away, they saw Lewis come out the front door,
yelling, waving his arms at them.

  Honus prayed that he didn’t have a gun. There was no sound of a shot.

  They made it home and got Patty dressed and drinking hot Ovaltine in front of the tree. It took Lewis hours to follow their tracks back to Eden. He rattled the doorknob, screaming.

  Honus took the rifle and loaded it. “Go to the back of the house.” Jodi took Patty to the back bedroom, and the two of them sat in the closet. Honus opened the door.

  “She’s staying with us, and you’re going to leave.” He held the rifle low, but kept it pointed toward Lewis.

  Lewis was shivering. His cheeks were red, and his glasses were fogged. “Don’t be ridiculous. I am your bishop, and she is my wife.”

  “You’re not our bishop anymore. We—” The gun went off as his nervous hand squeezed it. The shot hit Lewis in his hip, and he went down, wheezing. Honus dropped the gun in shock and stared. Jodi ran out to them.

  “Oh my gosh. You shot him!”

  Honus could only stare.

  “What do we do?”

  He shook his head and his jaw worked, but no sound came out.

  “Shoot him again.” It was Patty. They both turned to look. Patty stood there as if she had not spoken.

  “I can’t. I can’t.” Honus was approaching hysteria. He was gasping tiny breaths, his chest hitching.

  Patty picked up the gun and looked at it. It was nearly as tall as she was, and she had never handled one before. Gently, Jodi took it from her. She worked the bolt and took a deep breath.

  She aimed at Lewis’s head and pulled the trigger. The hole was small, but blood gushed out, staining the snow.

  Honus sat down hard, and his eyelashes fluttered. He grayed out.

  Jodi put the rifle beside the door and pushed Patty back inside. Then she helped Honus to stumble to the couch. She locked the door.

  “We’re gonna be a family. No one is ever going to mess with us, like, ever again.” She sat down next to Honus and patted his hand. He did not respond.

  Patty was cold, but present. She pulled her knees up under her chin.