Xanth 29 - Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

"So we have never seen each other unclothed?"

  She hesitated again. No.

  There was the error. They had stripped and bathed together. So she had guessed wrong.

  "Idiot!"

  The parody always insulted, but it was seldom actually wrong. Had he missed something? Then he figured it out. He had said they had never seen each other unclothed, and that was untrue. She had answered no, which was after all correct. He had tripped himself up—and been an idiot.

  "We have been bare together?"

  Yes.

  "But did not touch?"

  No.

  Because they had scrubbed each other's backs. "We touched?"

  Yes.

  "In any romantic way?"

  No.

  "So we are like brother and sister?"

  She paused, then slowly shook her head.

  "I mean, we are friends."

  Yes.

  She had answered everything correctly. Had they been siblings—which was of course impossible—he would not have freaked out when she shook herself dry.

  So where did that leave him? If this was not Hannah, he was surely lost, because he could hardly survive alone. If it was Hannah, he could trust her, but still had to find out how she had been transformed, and how to reverse it, because she couldn't help him much in this form. So it made sense to accept her; his only route to survival lay in recovering her as his guardian.

  "I believe you," he said. "But we are still in trouble. Can you tell me how this happened to you?"

  No. Further questioning determined that she had been returning to their camp when she had walked through a glowing glade, and suddenly found herself in a dusky stone chamber. Some sort of man figure was there. She had drawn her sword; he had lifted his arm; and then she was back in the glade, in this form.

  Goody had heard of something once. "There is a castle kept for the three little princesses, and there's one chamber in it that is forbidden, because within it is something called the Random Factor, who does something random and horrible to anyone who enters his room. You must have entered a portal that took you there, and the Factor transformed you and sent you back the way you had come, rendered mute so you couldn't tell anyone else. Maybe it didn't realize that there are other ways for folk to communicate."

  She nodded; that made sense to her.

  "But trying to return to ask the Factor to change you back won't work; he never does what anyone else wants."

  "Moron!"

  Both Goody and the Go-Go image smiled grimly. The bird thought they were missing something. Again.

  Goody reasoned it out. "But most spells can be reversed if you know how. It's part of their balance; they are easier to do if they contain the seed of their undoing. Something like that. So maybe there's a key to reversing it, if we can only find it."

  She nodded hopefully.

  But something still nagged him. "How is it you assumed this form? You look exactly like my wife."

  They worked it out: it could be another convenience of transformation. Rather than invent a new form, the Factor had changed her to the closest one for which there was a clear pattern. The image in his mind, of Go-Go Gobliness. Hannah had seen that when he reviewed his life history for the robots. The Factor didn't care about its relevance; the image was there, so it was used.

  Could it be illusion? That could be readily checked. They embraced. She felt exactly like Go-Go. He had to stop himself from kissing her, though the urge was strong. He wasn't doing this to please himself, but to verify her situation. Had it been Hannah's form clothed in illusion, he would have found himself hugging her legs, his face in her skirt. So it was a real transformation. That also meant that Hannah had lost her weapons and muscle. She would not be able to protect him in her normal manner.

  In fact, they realized, she was now more vulnerable than he. He would have to protect her. Until they found the way to change her back.

  They pondered this. Then she pointed to the little bag tied to his waistband.

  "The four spells!" he said, remembering. "You're right; it's time to use them. They may be awkward and risky, but hardly more so than what we face on our own." He paused. "But should I invoke one now, to discover its nature, or wait until there is immediate need?"

  They discussed it, in their fashion, and decided to compromise: invoke one spell now, and another where there was need.

  "Now all we have to do is walk out of the Region of Madness," Goody said. "Protected by my talent and a four spell. We hope." He looked at her. "Probably you should stay close to me, because though ordinarily you like to range about scaring away monsters, that won't work now. You'll need to be protected by my limited magic."

  She nodded meekly enough. She had always been a realist.

  He opened the bag and poked in two fingers. He caught something and drew it out. It dissipated into smoke. Nothing seemed to have happened.

  Then Hannah pointed. It was a dull day, but now there were two shadows in front of him, as if twin suns were at his back. He turned to look behind him, and the shadows spun around with him, but he caught a glimpse behind: there were two more there, angling out. "Fourshadows!" he exclaimed. "Magician Grey Murphy told me about them. They reflect my immediate past and future."

  Hannah/Go-Go looked questioningly at him.

  "I know what you mean," he said. "This bears investigation. I have no idea how they work."

  She pointed to the rear shadows.

  "Study them," he said, understanding again. "They should provide the key to how the front shadows work."

  They discovered that the shadows to the left, fore and aft, were shorter, as if more recent, hoping that made sense. The two to the right were longer. They were not outlines of Goody, but of other things. The right rear shadow was quite dark and showed a large woman form; the left rear shadow was light and showed a small woman form.

  Hannah figured it out before he did. She pointed to the short shadow, then to herself. When she stood beside it, it might have been her shadow. "It means I just encountered you!" he exclaimed. "As a goblin girl."

  She nodded, smiling. Then she stood beside the longer one, and reached her hands up as high as she could. "When you were in your human form," he said. Indeed, now he recognized it as her. It even had her sword, slung by her hip.

  "But why is it so dark?" he asked.

  Soon they figured that out too: "The darker the shadow, the more intense the encounter," he said. "This shows when you disappeared, and I was in danger of perishing here. And the other shows that I found you, so it's lighter because there's no threat."

  "So the dummy's getting smarter," the parody said sourly.

  "You're getting mellow," Goody informed it. "That's really not much of an insult."

  The bird shut its beak, disgruntled.

  Now they considered the front shadows. The left one was dark, and flickering formlessly. The right one was also dark, and inert. "This makes me nervous," Goody said. "What am I about to encounter?"

  Hannah spread her hands.

  "You'll never find out if you dawdle here forever, dullard."

  "Thank you for that encouragement, Peeve," Goody said wryly. He looked at Hannah. "But it's right. We'd better get moving. I don't think we can avoid a threat by staying here. We just know that something odd or dangerous is about to happen."

  They set out, trying to retrace the way they had come here. But now there was no big armed barbarian glaring around, and the atmosphere of the forest was uglier. Goody remembered how he had been told that most threats would never make an appearance, with Hannah near. That had changed.

  She touched his arm and pointed. The left shadow was very dark and troubled. That made him extremely nervous.

  They were about to circle around a large tree. Goody paused, cautioning Hannah, then stepped forward as delicately and quietly as he could. He peered ahead.

  There was a giant fireplace. Flames were flickering within it, dancing fro and to. Had he walked at speed, he would have collided wit
h it before realizing, and gotten burned.

  They stood and watched. The flames came and went, flitting through the air to reach the fireplace, and sailing away from it. Each seemed to have its own identity, maintained wherever it went. Some looked male, others female, and sometimes one of each would flicker together and brighten.

  This must be where the fires of the Region of Fire went for their vacation. A place to relax well away from the burned-out home region. Indeed, they would not appreciate two goblins blundering into their sanctuary.

  Now the meaning of the left shadow was clear: it was a flickering flame. And the right shadow—was dead.

  They backed away, carefully. Thanks to the warning of the shadows, they had not blundered into the fireplace, and gotten themselves burned to death by outraged flames.

  "How's your old flame doing with that hot tongue?" the parody demanded loudly.

  The flames froze in place for a moment. Then several of them flitted directly toward Goody and Hannah.

  Hannah caught his elbow and drew him toward the trunk of the tree. There was a rotted out hollow there. They squeezed into it.

  "Hey!" the bird cried as the wood brushed it off Goody's shoulder. It flapped its wings, hovering in air. "You clumsy gob!"

  The leading flame paused, then flickered toward the parody. It thought the peeve was insulting it.

  The bird got away just before the flame could burn its tail. "Watch yourself, you clumsy candle!" Now it was insulting the flame.

  The flame reoriented and went after the peeve again. "Oh, yeah?" the bird demanded. "Just who do you think you're singeing, you misbegotten pyre? Watch out I don't quench you with spit, hotfoot!"

  Goody could do nothing, but hoped the bird was agile enough to avoid the angry flame. The peeve had brought it on itself, after all, and almost gotten them burned too. Then it had inadvertently led the flame away from them.

  Now he became aware of their situation. He was jammed in the hollow, his arms around Go-Go. Hannah, really, but she looked and felt exactly like his beloved wife.

  "Oh, darn," he whispered. "How I wish you were real!"

  She gazed at him, her eyes every bit as big and soft as those of his beloved.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know you're not Go-Go. You're Hannah, and we have no such relationship. But holding you like this—"

  It was too much. The tears of his suddenly intensified grief overflowed his eyes. He knew he was acting like the unmanly wimp he was, disgusting her, but he couldn't help it.

  Some time later the parody returned. "You pusillanimous jokers still necking in the tree?" it demanded. "The fires are stoked down for a break; didn't you know?"

  They wedged themselves out of the crevice and unkinked their joints. "At least we figured out how to use the shadows," Goody said.

  Hannah shook her head, pointing to the ground. The shadows were gone.

  Oh. Well, the phenomenon had been good while it lasted.

  They found a way to skirt the fireplace and moved on. No monsters attacked, so Goody didn't invoke another spell.

  They came to a lake. "We got rather soiled in that tree crevice," Goody said. "This seems like a good place to wash, if there are no sharks."

  Then he realized there was another problem. He and Hannah had gotten used to each other, as it were, but now she resembled the woman he loved. "Then again maybe not."

  But she was already stripping, dropping her clothing at the edge of the pond so she could wash it. She might have the body of a gobliness, but her natural manner was that of the barbarian. What could he do? If he made an issue, it would just make it worse. So he stripped also.

  They rinsed out their clothes and spread them on bushes to dry. Then they went deeper, for a full swim.

  Suddenly Hannah screamed. Actually she made no sound, but he saw her mouth wide open as she drifted backward toward deeper water. Something was dragging her!

  Goody splashed as rapidly as he could toward her. He caught her hand and tried to pull her back toward the bank, but instead she pulled him toward the center of the pond. That was no good. So he hauled her in to him and put both arms around her, shielding her with his body. He felt the dreadful force of whatever was dragging her.

  Then it reversed, and they were coursing the other direction. They splashed into shallow water, gasping. Near the center of the pond a huge shape lifted out of the water, resembling nothing so much as a giant human toe. Then it splashed down and out of sight.

  "The undertoe almost got you, jerk!" the parody said.

  Undertoe: a big toe that dragged swimmers under. Surely related to the foothills. But why had it suddenly reversed?

  Then he understood: his talent. The bounce. He had been bounced back out, and Hannah with him, because he had been clasping her. His talent had saved them.

  "Hannah! My talent—" He stopped. They were lying together, naked, in shallow water.

  He quickly released her. "Hannah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to—" But what could he say? That he hated holding her like that? It would be an obvious lie.

  They got up and waded back to the bank. The sun had made short work of their clothing, and it was close enough to dry to be serviceable. He noticed that her clothing had changed with her form; instead of metallic armor, it was a dainty blouse, skirt, and pan—underclothing. He faced away while she dressed.

  They resumed their walk. It wasn't long before there was a stirring in the foliage, and a medium small dragon swooped down. It had sniffed them out. It paused barely half an instant before concluding that they were suitably defenseless prey, and came toward them, fire jetting from its nostrils.

  "Bogey at eleven o'clock!" the parody warned, fluttering clear. Then, to the dragon: "Nyaa nyaa, hothead! You can't toast mee!"

  Goody drew Hannah to the side. "Get under cover," he told her. "I'll try to stop it."

  As he spoke, he bent to pick up a stone. He hurled it at the dragon. He missed, and the dragon flew directly at him, its fire intensifying.

  Then the fire curled back and bathed the dragon's own snoot. It inhaled and sneezed, blowing out smoke rings. Goody's talent had worked again, bouncing the fire!

  However, the dragon was still hurtling toward him. It had not been damaged by its own fire, merely annoyed. It opened its mouth to bite Goody as it closed.

  And bounced back, landing on its tail, looking confused. Then, realizing that that it was up against something it didn't understand, it spun about and flew away.

  Hannah and the parody joined him, and they went on. Goody was pleased that his talent was coming through; this greatly increased his confidence.

  But they were not yet out of the Region of Madness. The vegetation continued weird, and he didn't trust it. He wanted to be clear of it by the end of day.

  The way opened out. He recognized this section; they were near the edge. He forged ahead.

  Hannah caught him about the shoulders and pulled him back. They fell to the ground together, and the bird flew up, cursing a purple streak. "What?" he asked, halfway annoyed. "Why did you—?"

  She pointed. Now he saw a faint shimmer, as of a twist of air rising in the heat. A bug flew through it—and zagged crazily, crash landing, as if dizzy.

  "A forget whorl!" the parody said, as they got up.

  Now Goody saw a trail of dazed creatures marking the route of the whorl. If he had walked through that, he would have forgotten some or all of his nature and identity. Hannah had spied it first, and acted to save him from it.

  Relief and gratitude overwhelmed him. He took hold of her, drew her close, and kissed her on the mouth. Then, realizing what he had done, he let her go. "I'm sorry. I—"

  But the Go-Go form was fuzzing out and swelling. It became twice as tall, and wide and deep in proportion. Metal glinted from here and there. In fact—

  "I'm back," Hannah said.

  Amazed, Goody could only protest. "But you—I—"

  "That was the key to restoration," she said. "I see it now. A kiss is the trad
itional way to banish a spell on a maiden. If only we had realized sooner."

  "So you're not angry that I—"

  She reached down, put her two hands on his shoulders, lifted him up to her face height, and kissed him back. Then she set him down. "Three times you saved me when I was helpless. Twice we were jammed together, once naked. You were such a bleeping gentleman you apologized! I'm no fainting girl, but I do appreciate your bravery and courtesy on my behalf. If you want to kiss me, friend, do it. It doesn't change our relationship."

  "You strumpet!"

  "But you looked so much like Go-Go, I was starting to fall in love with you."

  "As if a goblin ever could."

  "And refrained, knowing it wasn't real," Hannah said. "There are men who wouldn't make that distinction. You are a worthy person, Goody. I hope that some day you find a worthy goblin girl to make the rest of your life as happy as Go-Go made the earlier portion of it. She was obviously a very fine person too. I'm almost sorry I'm not a goblin." She considered half a moment. "Almost sorry I wasn't a goblin a little longer."

  "I don't understand."

  She nodded. "With luck, you'll never understand."

  But as he pondered, he did understand. Hannah really did appreciate the way he had treated her when her situation had changed, and might willingly have rewarded him in the way a woman could when she chose. Knowing that for the moment she resembled the one he most desired. It was a way to thank a person that went beyond the pleasure of the moment. To give him a taste of his beloved past. Yet she wasn't sure it was right. Neither was he.

  "Now let's get on out of here before dark. I don't think this is the place to find a home for the nasty bird."

  "I heard that, you scheming floozy!"

  She reached down and ruffled its feathers almost affectionately. "And I'll almost be sorry to be rid of you, you incorrigible squawk-box."

  8

  Zombie

  They camped in a pleasant "normal" glade, foraging for pies and drinks. There were no bedding bushes, but Goody found an O-shaped plant that grew pills. Sure enough, the pill-Os made even hard rocks feel soft enough to sleep on. But as night closed, and the parody settled down on the upper pole of the lean-to, Goody was restless, though tired. "Do you mind if I—"