Xanth 29 - Pet Peeve

by Piers Anthony

  "This, too, is something the new program will clarify."

  "What must I do?"

  She went to the gourd. "I will lie down and look into this lens. You must put your hand between my eye and the peephole in one hour. Do you understand?"

  "Yes."

  She lay down, made herself comfortable, and put her eye to the peephole.

  The dream in a dream dissipated. "And so I entered the dream realm, hoping you would think to search for me here," she said. "Now you know where I am, and can organize a rescue party. But you must also rescue the others. Including the kraken and the robot. I have a deal to honor."

  "Now I understand," Goody said. "Trust me."

  They laughed together.

  Soon after that, Goody returned to the real world: another hour was up. "Hannah, I found her!" he said. "I know where she is."

  "About time you quit goofing off, lazy loafer."

  "And hello to you too, peeve." It was almost good to have the obnoxious bird back.

  Hannah nodded. "So we can rescue her now."

  He hesitated. "That's complicated."

  "Too much for your simple mind?" the bird inquired.

  Then he explained, and Hannah understood, and agreed. She had a soul too, and a conscience, so grasped the concepts of trust and honor.

  "What a crock of spit!"

  They laughed. The parody didn't get it.

  When Dara and Metria checked on them, surely sent by Magician Trent, they explained. They went to the north shore of Mountain Lake. "Just about here," Goody said. Gwenny had been as specific as she could about the location.

  "If you bring them out through the water, that robot will get fissioned again."

  "Get whated again?"

  "Disolved, consumed, atomized, decayed, oxidized—"

  "Corroded?"

  "Whatever," Metria agreed crossly. "And the kraken will hate the fresh water."

  "Good point," Hannah said. "But why go through the water when we can dig them out? They can't be far below the ground surface."

  "Great idea," Goody said.

  "Well, I'm barbarian, not stupid," she said, flattered.

  "Opinions differ, dolt."

  "I'll tell them we're coming," Dara said, and puffed out.

  "It won't work," the parody said sourly.

  They scrounged iron limbs from the metal mountain to fashion spades and started digging. Soon they intersected the roof of the cave. It was a cast iron layer, evidently an extension of Iron Mountain. Their iron tools could not get through.

  "Should have known there was a reason that cave didn't fall in long ago," Hannah muttered. "We're fairly balked."

  "I told you, puddinghead!"

  "You did," she agreed. "Do you have an answer?"

  "Sure, booby."

  "And what might that answer be?"

  "Put a hole in it, looby."

  "And how do we do that?"

  "Fetch a hole from the holey land, clod."

  "The what land?"

  "Don't start that," Metria said. "I know where it is." She vanished.

  Goody was amazed. Could the arrogant bird be right?

  Metria reappeared, holding something invisible. She set it carefully in the middle of the exposed metal layer.

  A hole appeared. The hole she had set there. "See, dullard?"

  She nodded. "I could almost get to like you, peeve, if you weren't so obnoxious."

  "Fortunately I am, cretin."

  "Goody!" Gwenny called from below.

  He was so excited that he jumped down into the cave to hug her.

  "Why didn't the demons haul them out?" the parody demanded petulantly.

  They gazed at each other. Why not indeed?

  "Because goblins and demons aren't as smart as peeves," Goody said.

  "The great light dawns at last!"

  "Let's complete the deal Gwenny made," Hannah said. "First the kraken."

  The two demons formed a double cloud around the kraken and carried it away. They had promised to take it directly to the salty ocean. That was another matter of trust.

  Meanwhile the others labored to break down the edge of the cave wall to form a ramp up to ground level. Gwenny took the robot by a hand appendage and led it up though the hole.

  "Now we need to make the soul program," she said. "Do you think Com Pewter can handle it?"

  "Maybe we should take the robot there," Hannah said. "So Pewter can analyze it."

  "When the demons return," Gwenny agreed. She turned to the robot.

  "Com Pewter is a machine himself, so he should understand. Maybe you should forage for some more wood before the demons return."

  "I understand." The robot walked to the nearby woods.

  Goody resumed hugging and kissing Gwenny, who cooperated with vigor. "When you disappeared, I was so afraid!"

  "I knew you'd come for me. I trusted you."

  Goody appreciated her confidence. He just wished he had shared it throughout.

  18

  Roland

  "We need a third dybbuk," Metria said.

  "A third what?" Goody asked before catching himself.

  "Devil, fiend, hellion, specter, djinn—"

  "Demon?"

  "Whatever," she agreed crossly. "The crazy spirit can't even get her own type right!"

  "Why?"

  "Because now there are three of you to transport."

  "Are you sure?" Gwenny asked.

  "Sure: You, Goody, and Hannah."

  "And what of the robot?"

  "Neither can she count," the peeve noted. "Oh, dishwater!"

  "Oh, what?" the robot asked. "Refuse, bilge, carrion, garbage, trash, waste,'s—"

  "Slops!" Gwenny said quickly, lest an unfortunate word emerge.

  "Whatever," Metria agreed, really crossly. "We can get a third demon we can trust, but I don't think a forth exists."

  "Why?" the robot asked.

  "Because only three of us have souls," Dara answered. "Because we married mortals. Nada Naga's hungry husband D. Vore is the third."

  "Take one, then have that demon return for another," Hannah suggested.

  "Got it." Metria put three fingers to her mouth and made a piercing two-toned whistle.

  Demon Vore appeared. "What, is it my turn to take the children already?"

  "No such luck, Ravenous. We need you to carry Gwenny Goblin again. Plus a robot."

  "Why carry it anywhere? Why not just dump it in the sea?"

  "Not this one," Gwenny said. "I promised it a soul program."

  Vore considered. "Would such a program have the effect on a robot a soul does on a demon?"

  "We think so."

  He nodded. "Makes sense to me." He oriented on Gwenny. "Where to, you luscious tidbit?"

  "Com Pewter's cave. We'll rendezvous outside it."

  "Shall we snuggle on the way?"

  Gwenny paused as if considering. "My boyfriend wouldn't like it."

  "He won't get it," he said, as he dissipated into smoke and surrounded her.

  "That's what you think!" Metria called as the smoke faded.

  In three-quarters of a moment Vore was back for the robot. This time Goody and Hannah went also. Metria did sneak in a snuggle, though Goody was sure Vore had not done so with Gwenny. Metria was an irrepressible temptress, while other demons could tempt or not, depending on mood.

  They arrived outside the cave. "We demons prefer not to enter," Vore said. "You understand."

  "We do," Gwenny said.

  "I'm not sure I do," Goody said.

  "Pewter changes reality in his cave," Gwenny explained. "And he doesn't like demons."

  As they walked into the dark recess, Vore turned to Metria. "What was that about what I think?"

  "He thinks you stink!" the peeve called back.

  "Whatever," Metria agreed automatically. "Hey, wait—"

  They lost the rest of the dialogue as the cave enclosed them. Then they came to the central chamber.

  It was already o
ccupied. A man and a dog stood before Com Pewter's screen.

  A troll intercepted them. "I am Tristan, Com Pewter's mouse. Pewter is busy at the moment. Do you care to share your business with me?"

  What was this—a polite troll? "Yes," Gwenny said. "I am Gwenny of Goblin Mountain."

  "Welcome, Chiefess."

  "And this is Goody Goblin, with Hannah Barbarian, and a robot. We need a new program for the robot."

  Tristan nodded. "You are of course aware that Pewter does not do favors out of the goodness of his circuitry."

  "Is there anything we can trade?"

  "There may be. Our prior visitors have a problem I suspect Pewter will not be able to address directly, because it occurs well beyond the cave."

  Then the chamber seemed to expand, and they were standing in a large pleasant garden. Pewter had changed local reality.

  "Now I will introduce you to the others," Tristan said, picking up on Pewter's wish without any obvious signal. "This is Matt Heffelbower of Mundania, and Sam Dog." Tristan addressed the man and dog. "This is Chiefess Gwendolyn Gobliness, with Goody Goblin, Hannah Barbarian, and a nameless robot."

  "How do you do," Matt said in the Mundane manner. He was young and handsome; Goody couldn't figure what he was doing in Xanth. The dog was a black lab; Goody wasn't sure how he knew that, but in this magic cave somehow did. Maybe it was because the dog looked but did not smell similar to the chocolate lab he had encountered in the dream realm.

  "Matt and Sam came recently to Xanth and settled with an isolated village," Tristan said. "Now that village has a problem. The panties of the local girls no longer freak out men. This is a crisis for the local women, as they can't exert proper power over the men, and it seems the men are not entirely pleased either. Matt and Sam have come to ask Pewter's assistance for the village."

  "Panties don't work," Gwenny said thoughtfully. "That would disenfranchise women." Hannah nodded agreement.

  "Matt and Sam volunteered to walk here and try to make a deal," Tristan said. "Pewter is amenable, but is unable to change reality away from his cave. Here is his offer: Go to Pieria and solve their problem, and Pewter will make the program you need."

  "But what if we can't solve it?" Gwenny asked.

  "Then you won't get the program."

  Gwenny seemed to stifle a sigh. "We'll try." She turned to Goody. "I will have to stay here with the robot, because its trust does not extend to others. Can you and Hannah handle it?"

  "We'll try," Goody said. What else was there? He turned to Matt. "We have special transportation. If you will come outside with us and pick up Sam, we will take you to your village. Then we'll study the problem, and hope to find a solution."

  "That seems fair," Matt agreed.

  Outside, Goody introduced the demons, and explained how they could move people rapidly. "If you will carry Matt to Pieria, we'll join you there."

  Matt looked doubtful, but picked up the dog. Vore dissolved into smoke.

  Then Metria surrounded Goody, goosing him as she moved him. She seemed compelled to make naughty touches much the way the parody had to make insults. They landed outside a rather nice-looking village.

  Matt set Sam down. "That was amazing!"

  "Maybe to you, you ignorant lout."

  "That's the bird, using my voice," Goody said hastily. "It insults everybody. We're trying to find a home for it."

  Matt smiled. "Good luck."

  Now what? This was Goody's challenge. "Maybe we should verify the effect. Um, Hannah—"

  "I'm curious too," she said. "Watch." She hiked up her metallic skirt.

  "Snap out of it," Hannah said as she jogged Goody's shoulder.

  He blinked. "What?"

  "Your mind was glop," the parody said. "As usual."

  "You truly freaked out," Hannah said. "Even after I covered them. I've never had that kind of power before."

  Obviously he had. That was weird, because he had seen her all the way bare; her panties should have had minimal effect. "What about Matt?"

  "He's still out."

  So he was. The man was standing still, staring at the spot where Hannah had stood. Even the dog seemed stunned.

  Hannah went to jog the man back to life. "Oh, sorry," Matt said. "I must have—"

  "Freaked out," Goody said. "We both did. So obviously the effect remains. Could it have been restored during your absence?"

  "I suppose it could. I'll inquire."

  They walked to the village. "What deal did you make with Com Pewter?" Goody asked.

  "The village of Pieria lies near the famous fountain sacred to the Muses, the Pierian Springs. Its water inspires anyone who drinks it. We offered to deliver enough water so Pewter could have a pool of it in his cave."

  "So as to have constant inspiration," Hannah said. "I can see why he would want that."

  "If you're from Mundania, you don't have a magic talent," Goody said. "But the magic of the spring could work for you."

  "Yes. It gave me the inspiration to go to Com Pewter. But they tell me it is possible I'll develop a talent later in life."

  "Yes, it can happen," Goody agreed.

  "But with my luck it will be the talent of watching pots boil."

  "Ha. Ha. Ha," the peeve laughed sardonically.

  "The bird laughs only meanly," Hannah said.

  A young woman appeared before them. "Back already, Matt?" she asked. "You must have walked rapidly."

  "I got a ride back, Cameo. Would you mind showing your panties?"

  "They still don't work," she said, hiking up her skirt.

  She was right: they were nice enough, pink and well filled. But neither Goody nor Matt freaked.

  "Now that's odd," Goody said. "When Hannah—" He broke off, for Cameo was gone.

  "She makes only brief appearances," Matt explained. "That's her nature, or her talent. But it shows you what we're up against. Those panties should have wiped us both out, but they had no effect. That's true for the other village girls."

  "Maybe it's something near the village," Hannah said. "Do you care to check mine again?"

  Goody looked—and it was Matt who shook him awake. "I didn't look this time," he said. "But you froze."

  "So it's not the locale," Goody said. "It's the specific panties. That's a clue."

  "But why should mine work, when others don't?" Hannah asked. "That girl Cameo should have had double the freakout power I do."

  "No offense," Goody said cautiously, "but you're right. It's a real mystery. And I'm stumped."

  "Let's go sip that spring water for inspiration."

  "That makes great sense."

  They walked to the spring. It was a picturesque fountain with clear water splashing merrily. There was a dipper, and they each sipped.

  Suddenly Goody's mind was clear. "Your panties are new to this area," he said to Hannah. "So they haven't been nullified yet. Something around here is doing it."

  "That makes me nervous," she said, pulling her skirt down to make sure no panty showed. "Let's wrap this up before it catches up with me."

  "On the other hand," Matt said, "If it catches you, maybe we'll see it happening, and learn how to stop it."

  Goody took another sip, and got another inspiration. "Someone or something here must dislike the panty effect, so is stopping it. Maybe he has the talent of nullifying panties."

  Hannah took a sip. "Or she. It could be a jealous woman."

  Matt took a sip. "Or maybe he/she/it merely diverts the panty effect so that it doesn't strike its proper targets."

  "Regardless, we should check for it," Goody said. "Every member of the village has a talent, right?"

  "All except Sam and me," Matt agreed.

  "But those are known talents," Hannah said. "The one who nulls panties won't tell us that, of course."

  "Not voluntarily," Goody said, taking another sip. "But we should be able to do it by elimination. The one who can't demonstrate a legitimate talent must be the one we want. We can take that one back to Com
Pewter for nullification."

  "But will that restore the magic to nulled panties?" Hannah asked.

  "I don't know. The girls might have to put on new ones. Those ought to work."

  "Maybe we should verify that."

  "I'll get a volunteer," Matt said. He walked to the village, leaving them by the fountain.

  Cameo appeared. "Any luck?"

  "Do you have an unused pair of panties?" Goody asked.

  "Sure. But—"

  "Change into them and come back here. They might work."

  She vanished, her brief scene done. But then she reappeared. "How are these?" She lifted her skirt to flash silken blue panties.

  Hannah's strong hand prevented Goody from falling into the fountain.

  "They work! They work!" Cameo exclaimed. And faded out, her next scene completed.

  "We're making progress," Hannah said. "Now we know that whoever it is, is nulling new panties as they appear. So it won't take long for the village maidens to return to full strength, once we locate the culprit."

  They organized it, with the eager cooperation of the villagers. Every person lined up before Goody, and one by one demonstrated his or her talent. The first was a man who actually understood women; he demonstrated that by making Hannah blush. The second had the ability to speak with anyone, anywhere; she demonstrated that by talking with Gwenny in Pewter's cave, and hearing her answer: "No, I won't dance." Another villager could tell who a person's significant other was: for Goody, Gwenny. Another could hold his breath longer than any could track it. Another had a negative talent: the inability to remember what happened fifteen minutes ago. Another could change the season: summer abruptly became winter, then returned to summer. Another could make people laugh, even if they didn't want to. Even the peeve.

  Finally only one was left. This was a sour-looking woman who claimed to be able to walk on walls or ceiling, but was unable to demonstrate it. "You're the one," Goody said.

  "And what if I am? Those hussies shouldn't be showing their underwear anyway."

  "Why don't you show yours, you dried-up frump?" the peeve demanded.

  "That's not for you to decide," Goody said.

  "Yes, it is."

  "Come with us."

  "I won't," she said sourly. "You can't make me."

  Vore smiled. He fuzzed into vapor and surrounded the woman. They vanished.