Keeping It Real

by Justina Robson

  “You silly fool. I’m not dead if you do. You’re dead if you don’t.”

  Dar’s eyelids closed and he staggered as if he was drunk. Lila knew the feeling—hungry intoxication—because she felt something surging in her veins and it wasn’t the sugar. She couldn’t help herself. She licked his fingers.

  They were in each other’s arms in a heartbeat. Dar’s lean, hard body shook, very like Tath’s had, but this time it wasn’t fear doing the shaking. Lila felt Dar touch her face, tracing the line of the magical scar in her skin. He was intent and serious as he let his finger touch her lips again, very lightly, following the shape of the top lip across its bow and then pressing more firmly against the lower lip.

  Lila swallowed and watched his blink rate decreasing, his heart speeding up to match hers. He pressed harder, watching her mouth. As she let it begin to open she saw his face mirror the action unconsciously, lips parting, his eyelids lowering.

  Lila took his finger in her mouth up to the second knuckle and closed her lips and tongue around it gently. She caressed the hair at the side of his face and stroked the strange, angular line of his cheek, surprised when he took hold of that hand, synthetic skin or not, and placed her palm against his mouth. He closed his eyes and kissed it, then slid his tongue up between her fingers as she sucked his. It turned her on more than she’d felt before, even more than Zal, and she didn’t understand it at all. The cool wash of Dar’s aethereal body spread across her skin and became warm, became almost muscular. And then she felt a strange opening sensation in her chest, a feeling of unlocking and springing back, and from the centre of her being Dar’s soft touch was matched by Tath’s unfolding.

  Dar felt it; she saw his surprise, his confusion just like hers, the sense to stay away from each other completely swamped by the heart’s drive to join, the body’s need for contact to soothe itself. In that instant Lila remembered all she’d forgotten in the last forty-eight hours, all her trauma and her loss, her self-hate and her fear for Zal. She realised she hadn’t missed it and how good it had felt to be running in this wild place with a friend, even if he’d been her mortal enemy until…

  whenever. She took his hand, removing his finger from her mouth and placing his palm against her breast instead, moving forward to kiss him on the lips. She felt an all-over kiss that was andalune as the two elves synchronised and merged across the surfaces of her skin in an intimacy she was unable to share. This might be enough for Dar, even for Tath, she thought, but she didn’t have an aetheric side and it wasn’t enough for her.

  She slid her hands strongly against Dar’s waist and down, pressing his hips against her, then in the next moment leant back to get rid of some of the hardware getting in the way. Buckles and laces caught against each other as she fought with the unfamiliar closures of his clothes and hers. Dar stepped back and helped her out, frequently pausing to replace his mouth on hers and to caress her. His kiss was all hunger. Hers too. They were starving and they were bread to each other. All that she could think of, all that she wanted, was to have him inside her. She wanted to know if this side of her was still alive.

  Dar spun her around and backed her up against the tree. She hit it hard, straggling with the wretched clothing, wriggling to make it easier, groaning in frustration when he had to stop and yank Tath’s tight leggings further down on her. But then she felt him and it was all right. She got both hands on his hips and drove herself down on him as he pushed back into her. The sensation was as purely divine as anything she could imagine. She heard his gasp of pleasure and the anticipation of more of it Then they were moving together and she lost awareness of anything but the perfect feeling rising, riding Dar hard and as mercilessly as he rode her, all the way.

  Baby, she heard Tath whisper to her, but it was a word formed from a knot of lust and pleasure of his own, so she let it go. She didn’t know who he was referring to. She didn’t care.

  When it was over they let each other go carefully and politely, no more kisses, only gentle, efficient touches enough to separate. Lila pulled her trousers back up as she slid down the treetrunk, her body liquid and vibrant, warm and suffused with Tath to such a degree that he was a part of her in that minute.

  Dar reclothed himself and sat down beside her. He put his hand out onto her booted foot, gripped it briefly, then lay back on the sandy earth under the tree’s shade, panting, his eyes closed, free arm thrown across his face to shade it from the sun.

  After a few seconds he lifted his arm and looked at her. Lila looked back, smiled, a little self-consciously, and held out her hand. He took it and pulled himself upright. He pressed his shoulder into hers for a moment, letting his head fall towards her, and she let her head rest against his, rubbing her stomach.

  “I think without baldrics may have been better,” she said.

  Dar glanced at her and laughed, reflexively touching the buckles of the sword belts that crossed his chest. “I am sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” She showed him that the rest of his carefully picked bark had been ground in the dirt and threw it aside for the insects. “It tasted nice.” She felt absurdly happy. Its excess was in direct proportion to her expectations of what lay ahead. “That was…”

  “I know,” Dar said, tightening the laces on his tunic, and they both laughed. “Where is he now?”

  “Everywhere,” Lila said, shrugging as he looked to her for more explanation.

  “Let’s go,” Dar stood up with an effort. “It’s another day’s walk at least.”

  Lila walked across to the steep edge, a few metres away from them, and looked down. There were still hundreds of rough and rocky metres to descend. If she’d been able to plan… but there were no hang-gliders here and no suitable materials to fashion one. She picked up Tath’s bow and set off after Dar, doing nothing to disturb the wellbeing she felt, knowing it was going to be short lived. With every step she was aware of Tath’s presence, but it was no effort and no intrusion. He was mercifully silent.

  It took another two hours to climb down the steep escarpment. They slid on scree, climbed boulder falls and jumped where jumping was possible. By the time they reached the valley Lila had surveyed it extensively and took issue with Dar’s geography. She was certain that Sathanor was not a valley at all. It was a crater.

  She didn’t mention it to him, part of her spy instincts, abused as they were, kicking in to prevent it She knew that the only reason Dar had told her about Zal was that he had burned his bridges everywhere else. It was a little weak of him, but she could understand it. And she reserved judgement on its truth. Hot, sweaty and starving she turned on her coolant system and was glad when Dar saw fit to take a minor detour to get more water. Idly she calculated how far behind schedule the concert tour was by now, and wondered if there were any temporal loops she might use to make the disaster a little less disastrous. It was a science fictional dream. Nobody had ever travelled in time.

  Tath, recovered from his psychic liaison with Dar, found this veiy amusing. She was dismayed to find that the activity seemed to have restored his health somewhat. He told her he didn’t think she was going to see the end of the day. Lila ignored him. The Sathanor water Dar gave her was very good. “You should bottle this and sell it,” she told Dar, feeling Tath quiver with outrage at the idea. “You’d make a fortune.”

  “It is sacred,” Dar said absently. “The water sustains youth, heals disease and allays hunger. The fact that I let you, an alien interloper, drink of it would be enough to hang me almost anywhere in Alfheim, and many places beyond its borders. There are those who kill to trade in this water, and die for it. If you have a container I would suggest that you fill it, because this is the last water until the lake, and I do not think it would be wise to drink of that”

  “The water of life: tastes good and it does you good,” Lila said, filling her belly with it. “I stand by my assessment. Total gold mine. Just think how many products you could make with it. Beer. The beer of life. The wine of life. The sparkling sugary
soda of life. The Sathanor Detox Diet. And failing that, when you get out of here you can take over the black market.”

  “It is all I am fit for,” Dar agreed with amusement. “I pray you do not notice the air or the plants or the animals and see dollar signs in their places too.”

  “If I do, I’ll keep it between me and Tath,” Lila said, getting up and patting her chest. “He has a long way to go before his education catches up with the modern world.” And then she had to struggle for a moment not to be sick. “Lil’ devil,” she said. “I feel peculiar.”

  “It is the water’s effect. It will wear off presently,” Dar turned and led off through thick grass and beneath beautiful, pale-leafed trees whose trunks were as smooth as polished stone. The trees watched them.

  The afternoon passed in a soft focus blur of pleasantly healthy delirium. Later Lila would remember almost none of it, though some things remained. She asked Dar once, when she had imagined both of them storming a palace, “Is there a chance?” He turned and took her in his arms and kissed her, very gently, and then he led her on, her hand in his for a long while.

  Sathanor had a curious calendar quality. She couldn’t quite connect with it. It seemed not to require nor want human interaction, and she felt strangely detached. She was also aware of Tath watching her responses and wanted to withhold them. He longed to touch everything that was ignoring her. And eventually, after the hundredth simply breathtaking vista full of birds, animals and insects of unusual and exquisite creation, she found the ability to stop noticing it all and slumped into appreciation-fatigue with gratitude. Once that had gone she found that the more they travelled, the more she felt observed by an attention that used the birds and trees to follow them.

  As they approached the lake itself, Dar led her to a grassy, sunlit glade and stopped. “Rest now,” he said, sitting with her. “This is the last time we will have, most likely. Arte will know of our approach by now, and be waiting. She, like all elves, will wait as long as we like. Time is on her side. We should fear nothing on her ground. Sleep if you would like to.”

  “Nah,” Lila said with a sigh although she was deeply tired. The sunlight made her more so. “Why don’t you?”

  “I do not wish to leave this situation only to have to return to it”

  “Amen,” Lila said. “So, what are we going to do? Walk in?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you feel like putting it off?”

  “No.”

  She got to her feet again. “Is there anything… how many things… oh for fuck’s sake, never mind.”

  “Never mind what?” he asked patiently.

  “I was going to ask you for all the secret inside info, but what the hell, you shouldn’t tell me even if it would make a difference. I’ll never pass for one of you in a million years. Look, even if I do this,” and Lila got up and used all her skill and AI systems to perfectly mimic Dar’s own way of carrying himself.

  “You could at a distance,” he said. “But the metal is a strong… a powerful signal to our aethereal selves. Your hair and face are all wrong. And you have no andalune. If someone tries to approach you secretly with theirs, they will find nothing.”

  Lila pulled at a strand of grass, contemplating the bizarre complexity that must be elvish social interaction. “Could you command Tath to cloak me in his?”

  “It would be abomination to him,” Dar said, not without a trace of speculation.

  “Two points.” Lila counted them on her fingers. “One, he had no scruples when he wanted to get a hit off our shag. And two, he’s dead, and he should be grateful he’s still… whatever he is, thanks to me. Even if he won’t do it he could at least shed some light on a few issues, couldn’t he? And I’d rather know if the spy inside was going to try and fuck me up at some critical point when he sees a way to do it in the service of Lady of the Lake there.”

  Dar smiled at her with what she thought was grudging admiration. “Fair points all. If you will ask him nicely first, I will command him second.”

  “Is that naming? Command?”

  “It is absolute,” Dar said, “Absolute, and for that reason no elf would use it against another.”

  “Except in situations like this one, right?” Lila said. “I mean, you stabbed him to death. This seems—I don’t know—less aggressive than that?”

  “It is more so. With naming comes obligation. I killed him and that was that But when I name him he will regain a sort of hold over me. I will owe him protection because he has no defence against me, and whatever happens to him as a result of my command is my responsibility and I will have to pay for it.”

  “With money, or favours or that horrible aetheric direct debit thing where it just sucks it right out of your soul?”

  “The last,” Dar said. “But since it is unlikely that there will be a lot left of me to pay with then, as you say, in this situation, why not?” He was almost lighthearted.

  “No, then I’ll do it,” Lila said. “I don’t see why you should. Tell me his name and I will. There’s magically pretty much nothing of me.”

  “Which is why it will not work for you nearly as well as for me,” Dar said. “No credit, no shopping.”

  “Fuck!” Lila said and the ears of both elves twitched; Dar’s visibly and Tath’s gnostically.

  She addressed Tath, “I know you’ve been listening. Come nicely, or we’ll make you.”

  He did not come nicely. He wanted to get his figurative hands around Dar’s throat. He coiled up into his emerald self, small and hard as a stone in the deepest chamber of her heart.

  “Hit him,” Lila said to Dar.

  Dar shook his head and took a deep breath which he savoured. Lila saw that he considered it figuratively to be his last and she opened her mouth to stop him but he was speaking already, “Ilyatath Voynassi Taliesetra, glamour this woman your host with the full power of your conviction to appear as yourself, and convince all that she is as you once were for as long as you both persist or until this command is undone by her intent or by mine.”

  For a moment Tath did not respond. Lila waited—she felt she was learning this trick well by now. Then there was a silent explosion in her heart. A Shockwave spread through her, flesh and metal both. She felt Tath’s anger and his resentment at death suffuse her with all the charm of a bucket of iced vomit. But above that soared a peculiar joyous rush and an intense curiosity. He wanted to recoil from the technology of her, but he couldn’t because the charm did not permit him to hesitate. He was sure it would harm him in spite of the moment in which he had helped her to pick up his swords and bow. He was amazed to find that his aetheric body could properly transect her metallic self and not be destroyed by it.

  This is because you are no longer made of the spiritless elements of Otopia, Tath said. You are like metal that has been mined and forged by the Shadowkin; half alive. You are a curious charm, like an amulet, or a weapon. I see why Dar was so keen to weld you close to his side.

  That was friendship, that was, Lila told him firmly but suddenly she wasn’t sure. She cheeked to see that she maintained full control of her body. She did. You said before I was changed by Dar. Now I’m changed again right? Or the same as before? She felt furious that Tath could still so easily hold her to ransom this way, with his magical intuition and his skill.

  Different again. Tath said. You should be careful about intimate relations with elves. I thought they taught you that in Spy School. But if you are confirmed in your wish to change, you could ask me…

  Shut up, Lila said. That wasn’t about control. She wanted to have words with Dar. The techicians at Incon had laboured hard and unsuccessfully to enchant technological artefacts. Her changes were apparently miraculous to Tath, who could not hide his surprise, but at the same time she couldn’t detect any change except that she wasn’t in pain.

  No, you are right, Tath said. What you did with Dar was not about control. It was the pact of suicide. You will never make alive out of Aparastil. I salute your honest
y and feeling. His sincerity was worse than his taunts, she thought.

  Dar blinked and looked carefully at her. He spoke quietly and bowed his head for a moment. “Death has not diminished your light, Ilyatath.”

  “Do I…” Lila began to say and stopped in astonishment. She didn’t hear her own voice. She heard the elf’s, complete with all its curious harmonies and tones. The words and intent were hers, the sound was not. For a moment Tath’s envy and hate almost overpowered her. He considered her completely unworthy of his presence. The words his voice said were not his and he was violated. She felt nauseous.

  “Lila.” Dar looked back up, lifted his head. “It’s time. Are you ready?”

  “No,” she said. “If I screw it up… If I speak out of turn and spoil the illusion, or show my ignorance at the wrong moment, I apologise now.”

  “We enter the gates evenly matched.” Dar got to his feet. “Except in the matter of name. I know yours but you do not know mine.”

  Lila jumped up and put her hand across his mouth. “No,” she said. “Spies can’t use what they don’t know. Don’t tell me. It’s bad enough if Tath knows it.”

  Oh I do.

  Lila put her arms around Dar in an awkward hug. His embrace was quick but strong in return, strong enough for her to wonder if she was being stupid in passing up such a weapon as his name. Tath’s words echoed in her mind—changed again.

  Then they set out and within a few minutes had come to the lake shore. It was sunset and the surface of the water reflected the rose and soft orange tones of the sky. Lila looked down and saw a slender blond elf where she stood: Tath, right up to the tips of his mobile, nonexistent ears.

  Now Dar said words that Lila couldn’t catch. They slid from her understanding like fish slithering quickly out of a careless grab from above. A breeze lifted and blew her illusory elfin hair.