“It’s amazing how you know when I am in need of comfort,” Lena offered.
She looked at Kelly and smiled. Lena loved her canine daughter with all of her heart, and at times, mourned the fact that Kelly would only be
with her for a relatively short time.
I wish that our animal daughters and sons could live as long as we do, she would often muse. Still, they live with us forever in our hearts.
Lena sat upright, amazed and confused. It was if a thunderclap sounded in her ears. She sat still, emptying her mind, waiting for the grandfathers to speak.
A knock on her door brought Lena back. Sitting before her Ina, Kelly continued to stand guard, her chin on Lena’s knee, as if to say, “I’m here. You’re okay. I’m watching.” Lena brushed her hand across her eyes as if to clear her vision. The doorbell rang and Lena, rising slowly, walked from the family room into the foyer. Through the glass, she could see her mother.
Lena opened the door and stepped into her mother’s arms. Murmuring soothing words, Mary held her child, and then gently pulled from the embrace. Passing through the door, she took Lena’s face in her
hands.
“We need to talk.”
Chapter Twenty Five
Do not be afraid to cry.
It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts.
Hopi
Lena motioned for Kelly to follow her upstairs. She lay on the bed with Kelly faithfully standing guard beside her. Lena needed to think, to sort out her feelings, to find an answer to her future.
Did I truly love Michael? she wondered to herself? Yes, I did. I truly did, Lena affirmed to herself.
Her mind flew back, back to 17 years ago, to the day when she met and married Michael.
Lena remembered his vigil across from Julie Spotted Eagle Horse’s lodge. A flash of memory, and there was Sonny as well. Lena sat up in
bed, heat suffusing her face. In the excitement of the romance, she had
forgotten Sonny’s presence.
Lena lay down again. Turning on her side, she wrapped her arms around her shoulders, as if to comfort herself, as the memories came hard and clear.
Lena recalled the Wopila, and her inability to breathe, as Michael walked up to her, his presence sending shock waves through her body.
She remembered Julie pushing her and Michael into the arena, Michael’s arm about her waist and holding her hand, her breathless
confusion as they began to dance around the arena. Lena stiffened –
again a memory of Sonny, charging Michael with the broom. His excuse of dew-slicked grass seemed to ring true at the time, but now she understood.
Michael.
Michael walking her to Julie’s lodge, asking her to marry him, the ceremony and their first lovemaking, breathing in each other’s fragrance, eager hands and mouths as the evening slowly, ecstatically, drifted into dawn.
Lena sat upright again and swung her feet over the side of the bed. She glanced down at Kelly and asked,
“Did I marry him because I truly loved him, or was it because I was so in love with the story of my parents meeting on their wedding day? What is the answer, Kelly?”
The thought disturbed her. She had never questioned her love for
Michael, why did she do so now?
Lena rose and began to pace the room. Kelly sat, alert, watching her ina. She felt Ina’s agitation and gave a low whimper. Lena turned, and dropping to her knees, hugged the valiant creature to her.
“It’s all right, Kelly. It’s all right. I need to think, but I’ll be okay.” Kelly responded with a thump of her tail and a nudge of Lena’s hand.
Lena sat on the floor, her back against the bed frame, and slowly pet
Kelly’s fuzzy head, once again reposing on her ina’s lap.
I did love Michael, but was it before or after our wedding?
Memories of their time together in the Short North condo flooded back. It was a good time, a happy time, the days filled with working together at Vicki’s, the late nights filled with lovemaking and
endearments.
Did I fall in love with him then?
Yet, within those memories of Michael, dwelt those of Sonny as well: Sonny, always there, especially after Michael and Vicki’s deaths; Sonny, stepping in as father to Logan, continually checking to see that both were safe and cared for.
Sonny.
Lena looked down into her loving companion’s eyes and sighed. “Does it matter, Sunka Ska?” she asked. I loved him, and that is what
matters. But, he is gone now, and I have mourned these 17 years. It is time to love again?
Sonny.
Lena remembered her father and his valiant struggle to regain his mobility, his strength. She remembered the lessons she learned from him during those hard times. Ate was not afraid to love. Ate triumphed for love.
“Yes, it’s time to love again.”
With that, Lena slipped to the floor beside Kelly’s warm body. Wrapping her arms around her loving form, after almost two decades, she finally wept. She wept for the loss of young love, for the death of a
young man in his prime, her loving adopted mother, and finally, for the
joy of love renewed.
Chapter Twenty Six
What is this that I am feeling?
I am as Tisayac
When she first looked upon Love.
Gazing shyly, she beheld him, Awe filled her trembling heart, And she fled from him in fear.
Tutokanula – his heart bereft, Cried out to his half side,
As she ran from his embrace.
I must find the courage, My Heart, Open my arms to you,
And joined, we will ride the clouds.
Stands With Eagle Wings
Inspired by a Miowak Legend104
Lena rose early after a fitful night of interrupted sleep, her mind whirling with all that had occurred the day before. Arriving early at Vicki’s, she walked directly to her office, thankful for a small span of time to prepare for her meeting with Sonny. There is a lot on my plate today, but I must talk with Sonny, she thought to herself, grimacing at her appalling, albeit accidental, pun.
Her thoughts returned to the morning before. She had been eager to talk to Sonny about her idea for a new restaurant. Excited and full of plans, she was finally ready to announce her intentions. Rushing to
Sonny’s office, and gently tapping on his door, her anticipation of his
reaction got the better of her. Opening the door without the prerequisite, “Come in,” she beheld the face of a tortured man, whose countenance turned to one of profound love once he beheld her.
Lena laid her head on the backrest of her chair. Mind whirling, she went over the entire scene again for what seemed the hundredth time. I must talk to Sonny as soon as possible. This can’t be left to work itself out.
During the seemingly endless night, Lena wrestled with her feelings, and the implications of that which she was about to do. She still loved Michael, and always would, but she now admitted to herself that it
104 http://www.americanfolklore.net/folktales/ca7.html
was Sonny who was her half side, the love of her life. She must tell him at once.
But, she was afraid. Michael’s death had devastated her. Only the impending birth of her baby kept her in balance. Once Logan was born, the surgeries required to repair his cleft lip and palate gave her something
to focus on, and the resulting added closeness between her and her son,
partially filled the gap left by Michael’s passing.
Lena realized with surprise that she had been able to mourn Vicki completely. Her love for the kind woman, who set her feet upon the path she now followed, helped her to celebrate Vicki’s life instead of dwelling upon her death. Not so with Michael.
Did I continue to carry the weight of grief because I felt guilty? she wondered. Was my continued grief a sentence I imposed upon myself to
assuage my conscience?
Her sel
f-examination tore at her heart, but Lena knew that, if she did not look into her heart with all honesty, she would never get beyond the death of her husband; would never be able to move forward to a full and happy life.
And, there was Logan. What an example I have set! Lena thought with alarm. In keeping Sonny at a distance, she had taught her son to fear commitment, to push away love. Another revelation hit her like a thunderbolt.
Logan knew!
Armed as she was with the commitment to be brutally honest with herself, she sent up a small prayer to the Thunderbirds, begging for their aid in her quest for the complete truth, which dwelt in the core of her heart, her soul.
She again remembered her father and his valiant fight to recover from disaster. All of his efforts spawned by love, by commitment. She remember Zitka Mine’s pronouncement, “He will waken and he will teach.”
“Ate! I had forgotten!”
She began to recall little things Logan had said over the years: “Ask Uncle Sonny, he’ll do anything for you, Ina,” “Talk to Uncle Sonny, he cares about what happens to you,” and many more besides.
Logan knew!
Finally, she allowed her mind to go back to the day Michael died.
He had stopped on his journey to the edge of the universe to say goodbye to her. Lena had told him that she would go with him to walk the five steps to the Spirit Path and into the Spirit World:
“No, Little Bird, it is not your time. I will wait for you in the Spirit
World.”
Michael wanted her to move on, to be happy.
him!
I must see Sonny as soon as possible and let him know that I love
She had no idea what she would say, if she would say anything at
all for that matter. Maybe I will just walk into his arms, she wondered, and then blushed at the idea.
I am a woman of the Lakota and must always be a lady. Sonny must make the first move. Oh, how can I show him that I do love him and have these many years?
Her thoughts were interrupted when Nickie flung open the door to
her office:
“Sonny’s missing.”
“What do you mean he’s missing?” Lena cried.
“I mean he’s missing. Diti said that he stopped by Sonny’s apartment yesterday afternoon, later last night, and then this morning. Sonny isn’t there and he is a half hour late. Sonny is never late.”
Lena crushed down a feeling of panic.
“Listen, I still have the key to the apartment. Come with me.”
Lena and Nickie ran up the iron stairs to the second level of the apartment building. Knocking on Sonny’s door, Lena called his name. Five minutes passed until, finally, Lena inserted the key to the apartment door. Opening it slowly, both women gazed inside. The apartment was empty.
“Okay, look, he’s probably grocery shopping or at the gym, let’s go back to the restaurant. I’m sure he’ll show up in time for work,” Lena said, her tone belying the lines of worry on her brow. Nickie nodded reluctantly as Lena relocked the door.
Returning to the restaurant, Lena asked Nickie to come to her office.
“I’ve wanted to talk to you and Sonny about something for a month or so now. Why don’t I brief you, and when Sonny arrives, we can all
discuss my proposal.”
The need for distraction was paramount in Lena’s mind. Her new project, exciting, thrilling and very ambitious, afforded just the diversion her mind needed until Sonny finally arrived.
Nickie nodded, seating herself in a leather side chair, glancing at the clock nervously. Sonny was now two hours late; Sonny was always early. In fact, he was obsessive about, not only being on time, but early to the job.
“Okay, Lena, what’s the scoop?” Nickie asked.
Lena was nervous as well. Like Nickie, she constantly glanced at the clock. Where could he be? She knew that he wasn’t shopping or working out. This had to be related to what happened the day before.
Maybe he’s just embarrassed and will call in sick soon, she mused. Lena shoved the thought aside and continued.
“Nickie, I have an idea for a new restaurant. I have an appointment this Wednesday with a real estate agent to look at an available site in Westerville, not far from my house, in fact. It’s a great building – mid to
late 1800s is my guess, and room enough for all that I’ve envisioned.
Lena and Nickie concentrated on the plans for the new store, discussing start up costs, staffing, menus and décor. Both were aware of the clock’s hour hand’s slow decent as the hours ticked by.
By 5:00 P.M., both Lena and Nickie were frantic.
“Nickie, I’m afraid something has happened to Sonny, and I think it may be my fault.”
“What?” Nickie answered. “What could you have done to Sonny to cause him to disappear?”
Looking intently into her friend’s eyes, searching for an answer, understanding dawned. Nickie’s face registered her thought process, and
Lena slowly nodded in agreement.
“Yes, Nickie, I discovered yesterday that Sonny is in love with me, and instead of talking to him about it, I fled. I spent all of last night meditating and thinking about it, and discovered that I love him too. What am I going to do, Nickie?”
Nickie gazed at her friend, wonder filling her eyes.
“How can you be so dense?” Nickie queried, disbelief and a touch of anger tingeing her voice.
Taken aback, Lena responded, “Dense?”
“Lena, the man has been in love with you since God was a boy, and you’re just now catching on? He’s done everything but collapse at your feet. Are you really that blind? Those eyes of yours may be incredibly beautiful, but they don’t see very well as far as I can tell!”
Lena stared at her friend, mouth agape. An epiphany, like the clap of thunder heralding the arrival of the Thunderbirds, filled Lena’s mind with clarity. Nickie loved Sonny. How could I have not seen it? Lena
asked herself.
Groping for her chair, Lena slowly lowered herself onto its cushioned seat. Her head spun, her heart trip hammered, How could I not realize the truth?
Nickie rushed to her friend’s side.
“Are you all right, Lena? What’s wrong?”
“Nickie, you love Sonny and have for years. How was it that I didn’t see it? Now, I have hurt you as well as lost Sonny. I’m a fool!” Lena cried, pounding her clenched fists on her knees. “A fool!”
Bursting into Lena’s office, Boy Ladd faltered. Indeed, he almost fell over his own feet as he attempted to restrain his heretofore explosion into the room. Lena, still seated in her office chair, was stroking Nickie’s shining hair. Leaning against her life-long friend, tears streaming down her entrancing face, Nickie clutched at Lena’s waist. Crying quietly, she at last exposed her love for Sonny. Boy Ladd’s heart swelled with love and protectiveness. He felt that he should leave the room, but something made him hesitate. His ear caught Sonny’s name, and as realization came to him, his heart shattered.
Lena looked up and into Boy Ladd’s eyes. Her own glowing orbs, now opened to the truth, saw Boy Ladd’s complete devotion and love for Nickie. Lena signed inwardly: What a puzzle. What confusion we bring
into our lives.
Lena lifted Nickie’s chin and said, “Boy Ladd is here, Nickie. We must see what he wants. He wants Nickie, Lena’s inner voice answered back.
Turning to Boy Ladd, Lena looked her question, eyebrows raised, her head slightly tilted.
“I finally got away,” Boy Ladd stuttered. “Sonny. He’s at my apartment.”
Jumping from her chair, Lena took Nickie by the hand. Walking to where Boy Ladd stood, confused and uncertain, she placed Nickie’s
slender hand into his larger, capable one.
“Take care of her, Friend,” she muttered. Grabbing her purse and car keys, Lena left the restaurant.
Pulling up in front of Boy Ladd’s apartment, Lena sat for a moment. Gazing at the windows of the front room, sh
e envisioned the layout of the space, imagining where Sonny would be when she walked through the front door. Her heart clenched. What if I’m too late? What if he has decided that he doesn’t want me? Stepping out of the car, Lena took a deep breath. Chin high, she walked up the pathway to the front porch and opened the door.
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