Lost Angel

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘I hope you don’t mind me calling round like this,’ Angel asked. ‘I wasn’t sure I’d find you, but I asked a woman downstairs and she told me which number you lived at.’

  ‘Did she now?’ Cathy muttered, mentally cursing her big-mouthed neighbours for blabbing her private business to all and sundry. The girl could have been sent by a debt collector to track her down, for all they knew.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Angel apologised, sensing that it wasn’t such a pleasant surprise. ‘I shouldn’t have come, but I had nowhere else to go.’

  Cathy looked at her thoughtfully. If she’d had nowhere else to go before she came, where was she planning to go when she left?

  ‘You haven’t run away, have you?’ she asked.

  Angel nodded, and lowered her gaze. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she murmured. ‘And my mum and dad want me to get rid of it.’

  ‘Pregnant?’ Cathy’s brow furrowed deeply. ‘I thought you said you were only fifteen?’

  ‘I’ll be sixteen in a few weeks,’ Angel told her, swiping at a fresh tear that was trickling down her cheek.

  ‘Oh, Jeezus, what a mess.’ Cathy sighed. ‘More kids having kids. Like there’s not enough neglected babies in the world.’

  ‘I’d never neglect my baby.’ Angel was indignant. ‘I’m going to be a really good mum.’

  ‘I’m sure you think so, love,’ Cathy said gently, ‘but it’s nowhere near as easy as you kids seem to think it is. Maybe you’d be better off going home, eh? Your mum and dad are obviously trying to do their best by you.’

  ‘My dad might be,’ Angel conceded. ‘But my mum and my nan just don’t want me to have it because they think they’ll have to pay for it. And my nan doesn’t want a black baby in the house,’ she added angrily.

  ‘I didn’t bring your dad up to be a racist,’ Cathy said disapprovingly.

  ‘He’s not,’ sniffed Angel. ‘It’s just her. She’s horrible. But I don’t care what she thinks. It’s who you are on the inside that counts, and Ryan’s lovely.’

  Cathy smiled. This granddaughter of hers was a pretty girl, and obviously every bit as passionate as her dad had been when he was little. Cathy remembered how vehemently he’d defended his friends when she’d warned him off hanging around with them. She’d been right, because the buggers had deserted him without a second thought when he’d landed in trouble, but he’d refused to hear a word said against them.

  Her smile slipped when she heard the sound of a key turning in the front door.

  ‘You’ll have to go,’ she told Angel quietly, stubbing out her cigarette in the ashtray.

  But it was too late. Les was already walking into the kitchen.

  ‘What you doing in here?’ he demanded, a churlish edge to his voice, his breath ripe with alcohol. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve decided to clean up?’ He looked at the sink and sneered. ‘Shoulda known that’d be too much to ask.’ He lumbered over to the fridge and took out a can of beer, but just as he was about to tear off the tab he spotted Angel and a leering grin lifted his miserable lips.

  ‘Oh, hello . . . and who are you?’

  ‘She’s just going,’ Cathy told him, gesturing at Angel to get up.

  ‘What’s the rush?’ Les’s eyes were trawling over Angel’s body. ‘We haven’t even been introduced yet. I’m Les . . .’ He held out his hand.

  Angel took it and gave him a nervous smile. It hadn’t occurred to her that she had a grandfather as well. Her dad had never mentioned him.

  ‘I’m Angel,’ she told him. ‘Your granddaughter.’

  ‘You what?’ Les snorted, drawing his head back and giving her a quizzical smile. ‘I don’t think so, sweetheart. I’ve got no kids, and if anyone’s trying to say different they’re lying.’

  Cathy inhaled deeply. ‘She’s Johnny’s girl, Les. She’s in a spot of trouble and thought I might be able to help her. But I can’t, so she’s going.’

  Les’s smirk had turned into a sneer at the mention of that name. But he didn’t blow up as Cathy had expected, he just looked Angel up and down and said, ‘Well, well, so the little bastard wasn’t completely useless, after all.’

  ‘Les, don’t,’ Cathy said quietly. ‘The past has got nothing to do with her. She’s just a kid.’

  ‘Sorry . . .’ Les held up his hands and staggered towards a chair. ‘You haven’t finished your tea,’ he said, glancing into Angel’s cup as he flopped down.

  ‘No, ’cos she’s going,’ Cathy said again. Les being this nice was almost as scary as him being nasty, and she didn’t like the way he was looking at the girl.

  But Angel didn’t know him, so she just presumed it was the drink talking.

  ‘So, you’re Johnny’s girl?’ Les stared at her. ‘Well, well. Pretty, ain’t you? Take after your mam, do you, pet?’

  ‘Not really,’ Angel murmured, flicking a curious glance at her grandmother who was hovering behind him, wringing her hands.

  ‘Les, she really needs to go,’ Cathy said. ‘You’ve got a bus to catch, haven’t you, love?’

  Les saw the gleam of fresh tears flooding the girl’s eyes and narrowed his own. ‘Is something going on here that youse are not telling me?’ he asked. ‘The buses don’t run round here at this time of night.’

  ‘No, she’s going to have to walk down to the quadrant,’ Cathy lied. ‘That’s why she needs to get going.’

  ‘Sounds to me like you’re trying to get rid of her,’ Les said perceptively. ‘Hope that ain’t because of me? ’Cos if it is, there’s no need. I’ve got no problem with her.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ Angel told them, sensing that her grandmother didn’t really want her here. ‘I should go.’

  Cathy looked at her guiltily. ‘Will you be okay?’

  ‘Woman, it’s twelve in the morning,’ Les berated her. ‘You can’t send her out there on her own – she could get raped, or anything. Let her stop here for the night.’ He looked at Angel now. ‘You wanna stop here for the night, pet?’

  ‘I, er, should probably go,’ she murmured.

  ‘Where?’ he asked. ‘Thought you were in trouble?’

  ‘A bit,’ Angel admitted, squirming in her seat. She knew the man was drunk, but there was something about the way he was looking at her that was making her feel uncomfortable.

  ‘She’s pregnant,’ Cathy told him, hoping that information would be enough to take the leer out of his eyes. ‘And she’s only fifteen.’

  ‘And your dad’s letting you walk around at this time of night on your own?’ Les gave a disapproving shake of his head. ‘Well, don’t you worry about a thing, pet. Me and your gran will look after you. There’s a spare bed, and you’re welcome to it.’

  ‘Really?’ Angel looked from him to Cathy. ‘I’ll go first thing in the morning.’

  ‘You stop as long as you like, pet.’ Les gave her a sly grin. ‘Been a long time since I’ve had a pretty little thing like you to keep me company over breakfast.’

  30

  Ryan arrived home at half past midnight. After losing his job with Johnny, he’d been forced to take a part-time job collecting glasses at a bar in town, and he absolutely hated it. The pay was shit, and the work was dirty. Not to mention dangerous when the idiot students got bladdered and started chucking glasses around and fighting among themselves. But his dad had started making noises about sending his mum back out on the streets after his savings had run out, so he had no choice but to stick it out.

  Exhausted now, having been run off his feet all night, he groaned when he glanced out of the kitchen window as he was pouring himself a glass of water and saw Johnny’s car pulling up outside.

  Johnny was already out of the car and banging on the door with his fist by the time Ryan reached it. Ryan guessed that he was in for another going-over and steeled himself for a kicking before opening up. But Johnny didn’t go for him, he just barged past and marched into the kitchen.

  ‘What are you looking for?’ Ryan asked when Johnny saw that nobody was in there and headed for the
living room.

  ‘Where is she?’ Johnny demanded, flicking the light on.

  ‘Who?’ Ryan whispered as he followed him back out into the hall. ‘Johnny – Mr Conroy . . . my mum and dad are in bed. You’ll wake them up.’

  ‘Tell me where she is, then,’ Johnny ordered as he set off up the stairs.

  ‘That’s my kid brother and sister’s room,’ Ryan hissed when Johnny reached the first bedroom.

  Johnny ignored him and pushed the door open. He jerked his head back when the smell of warm piss assailed his nostrils. He peered into the room. A small girl was sleeping in a single bed, and a baby was flat out in a cot, but there was no one else in there.

  He moved to the next room and switched the light on. The bed looked empty, but he pulled the quilt off to make absolutely sure and felt the mattress to see if it was still warm. It was cold, but Johnny still wasn’t convinced that nobody had been in it. So he looked under it and then checked the wardrobe before yanking the curtains open and peering down into the dark back garden.

  ‘Where is she?’ he demanded again, turning back to Ryan who was watching from the doorway. ‘And don’t fuck around with me, son, ’cos she’s not at Lisa’s, so she must be here.’

  ‘If you’re talking about Angel, I haven’t seen her,’ Ryan told him truthfully.

  ‘Don’t fucking lie to me!’ Johnny seized him by the throat and pushed him out onto the landing, forcing him back against the banister rail. ‘You’ve got two seconds to tell me where she is, or I’m going to shoot you,’ he growled as he rammed the muzzle of a gun into his stomach.

  ‘On my life,’ Ryan gasped, his eyes widening with fear. ‘I swear she ain’t here, Mr C . . .’

  The noise had woken Zeta and she opened her bedroom door. ‘Oh, sweet Jesus!’ she shrieked when she saw what was happening. ‘GARY . . . ! GARRRYYYY!’

  ‘Mum, just go back to bed,’ Ryan told her, trying to keep his voice even. ‘I can handle this.’

  His dad had woken up by now and he lumbered out onto the landing, rubbing sleep from his eyes. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Get the fuck back in there before I shoot the lot of you,’ Johnny warned through gritted teeth without looking around.

  ‘Just go,’ Ryan told his parents urgently. ‘Everything’s all right . . . there’s been a misunderstanding, that’s all. But I’ll sort it.’

  Gary didn’t need telling twice. He was a fist merchant, not a bullet dodger, so he grabbed Zeta and hauled her, still screaming, back into their bedroom. He slammed the door shut behind them.

  ‘Where is she?’ Johnny asked again.

  ‘She’s not here,’ Ryan repeated truthfully. ‘I haven’t seen her since you told me to stay away from her that night.’

  ‘You’re lying.’ Johnny jabbed him with the gun.

  Ryan winced as pain flared in his still-bruised ribs. He gritted his teeth. ‘I’m not, I swear. You can shoot me if you want, but please don’t hurt my mam or the kids. And don’t do it here,’ he begged. ‘If you’re gonna do it, take me somewhere where they don’t have to watch me die. Please.’

  Johnny heard the sincerity in Ryan’s voice and knew instinctively that he was telling the truth. If he was brave enough to offer up his life to protect his family, he was brave enough to front up to Johnny about Angel. But he was still saying that she wasn’t here.

  ‘If she comes, you’d better ring me,’ Johnny said. He stuck the gun back into his waistband and headed for the stairs.

  Unaware that Angel had been round tonight and that his mum had seen her off, Ryan followed Johnny outside.

  ‘I know you hate me,’ he said, ‘and I don’t blame you, ’cos I was bang out of order for going round to your place like that. But I love her, Mr Conroy, and if she’s missing I want to help find her.’

  Johnny could tell that he meant what he’d said, and he had to admire his guts for coming after him after having had a gun pulled on him. But if he hadn’t crossed the line and put his filthy hands on Angel in the first place, none of this would be happening. Johnny wasn’t about to let him think that it was all forgiven and forgotten.

  Lisa came around the corner just as Johnny unlocked his car. ‘Any luck?’ she asked as she ran up to them.

  Johnny shook his head.

  ‘How long’s she been gone now?’

  ‘An hour, maybe more,’ Johnny told her, ashamed that he couldn’t be more accurate. But Ruth had only realised an hour ago that Angel had gone and she’d delayed telling him because she’d been scared that he would blame her.

  ‘Well, I’ve rung everyone in the family, but no one’s seen her,’ said Lisa.

  ‘I know – Ruth’s already tried.’

  ‘What about your family?’ Ryan ventured. ‘I know she doesn’t really know anyone from your side,’ he went on, feeling disloyal, because this was stuff that Angel had trusted him to keep to himself. ‘But it might be worth a try.’

  Lisa looked at Johnny and shrugged. ‘She has asked me about your mum a few times in the past. I’ve never met her, so I couldn’t tell her anything. But she’s definitely curious.’

  Johnny pursed his lips and thought about it, but quickly ruled it out. ‘Nah. She wouldn’t know where to find her. Ring me if she turns up.’ He climbed into the car and pulled away from the kerb with a squeal of tyre rubber.

  Ryan ran his hands through his hair as he watched Johnny go, and Lisa saw the worry in his eyes.

  ‘Don’t worry, he’ll find her,’ she said quietly. ‘She won’t have gone far.’

  ‘Why did she run away, though?’ Ryan wanted to know. ‘That’s what’s worrying me. I haven’t seen or heard from her in weeks, and Johnny was really mad when he caught us that night. You don’t think he’s done something to her, do you?’

  ‘Johnny’s never laid a finger on that girl in anger,’ Lisa told him emphatically. ‘She’ll just be scared ’cos . . .’ She caught herself and trailed off without finishing the sentence.

  ‘Scared ’cos what?’ Ryan demanded, sensing that she’d been about to say something significant. Irritated when she shook her head, he said, ‘Come on, Lisa, she’s fifteen, and she’s out there on her own in the dark. If you know what’s going on, just tell me.’

  ‘I can’t,’ she replied guiltily. ‘It’s not my place.’

  ‘Neither’s screwing her dad, but that didn’t stop you.’

  Lisa’s mouth dropped open. ‘How dare you!’

  ‘Don’t do this,’ Ryan groaned. ‘I saw you, okay? But I didn’t tell Angel, so I don’t think it’s got anything to do with her running away.’

  ‘No, it has not,’ Lisa said indignantly, determined to front it out. ‘And what do you mean, you saw us?’

  ‘That night when Johnny caught me and Angel,’ Ryan told her, sighing. ‘I was walking home from work and I saw him pull up outside yours.’

  ‘That’s nothing,’ Lisa said dismissively. ‘He pops round all the time to check I’m okay. We’re family – it’s perfectly normal.’

  ‘And is sticking your tongue down your relatives’ throats normal?’ Ryan gave her a knowing look.

  Lisa blushed and folded her arms. ‘I hope you haven’t told anyone what you think you saw, ’cos Johnny won’t be too pleased if it gets back to him.’

  Ryan was fed up with playing games. ‘Look, I’m not even arsed what you and Johnny get up to,’ he told her bluntly. ‘I just want to know why Angel’s run away. I’m worried about her.’

  Lisa narrowed her eyes and stared at him for several long moments. Johnny had only just told her about the baby but he obviously didn’t want Ryan to know or he’d have told him when he was here just now. But that was half the trouble with this family: they were too fond of keeping secrets. They were all so busy trying to hide what they were feeling and thinking that they were strangling themselves and each other. Ryan was better off out of it, in her opinion. But he had the right to make that decision for himself. Whereas Johnny and Ruth – and especially Rita – did not have the r
ight to decide if his child lived or died.

  ‘Angel’s pregnant,’ Lisa told Ryan. ‘But you didn’t hear that from me.’

  Ryan gaped at her. ‘You’re kidding me!’

  She shook her head and gazed back sadly at him. ‘And I’ve only just found out myself, so don’t think I’ve been keeping it from you.’

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ he croaked. ‘Why didn’t she tell me?’

  ‘She didn’t know till this afternoon,’ Lisa said. ‘When Johnny came to mine, looking for her, he said her mum had made her do a pregnancy test and when it came back positive she made an appointment to get it aborted.’

  ‘Angel wants to abort my baby?’ Ryan looked hurt and confused all at once. ‘Without even telling me?’

  ‘No, she wants to keep it,’ said Lisa. ‘But they won’t let her. That’s why she’s run away. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ Ryan said quietly. ‘Thanks for telling me. I know it can’t have been easy.’

  ‘You won’t tell Johnny, will you?’ Lisa’s eyes were filled with worry. ‘He really is trying to do his best by Angel and none of this is to spite you – you do know that, don’t you? It’s just hard for him to accept that his child’s growing up. Must be hard for any parent,’ she added wistfully.

  ‘I wouldn’t know,’ Ryan said bitterly. ‘Seeing as they didn’t even want me to find out about it. Christ, why didn’t she come to me? We could have talked to them. Together.’

  ‘It probably wouldn’t have got you anywhere,’ Lisa told him sadly. ‘They’re not exactly big on letting people interfere in family business.’

  ‘This is my family as well,’ Ryan reminded her. ‘My baby.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Lisa said again. ‘If there was anything I could do . . .’

  ‘It’s not your fault.’ Ryan exhaled wearily. ‘And, don’t worry, I won’t tell Johnny you told me. I just hope he finds her, ’cos now there’s not just her to worry about.’