Highly Unsuitable Girl

by Carolyn McCrae

  “Shut up Anya, people are looking at us.”

  “I won’t shut up.”

  Geoff took her arm and steered her away from the bus-stop. If they were going to argue they would do it in the privacy of the park.

  “You cannot come home with me Anya.”

  “Why not?”

  Geoff resorted to all the phrases his mother used.

  “Christmas is a time for families, Anya. I’m sorry you don’t have one but I do and I have to spend Christmas with them.”

  “Don’t you want me to be with you?”

  “Not at Christmas. “My father is dead too, I’m the man of the family and have responsibilities at Christmas.”

  “I can’t believe you said that.” Her tone changed, she used the ugly sneering voice she had often used when arguing with her mother. “You’re the sodding man of the family are you you pompous fucking little twat?”

  “You’re not very attractive when you swear.”

  “You fucking like it when I tell you to keep fucking me, that’s fucking swearing.”

  “I’m not inviting you home for Christmas Anya, that’s final.”

  “So you don’t give a fuck what I’m doing.”

  “No. You can fuck with whoever you want, as often as you like, you’re not coming home with me.”

  She had stormed off, missing lectures for the day and for the next three nights she had slept in her own room. It was the first time since the day they had met and she hated it. She drank coffee in the mug she hadn’t used since the summer and lived on baked beans on toast. She didn’t want to go out, she didn’t want anyone to see her without Geoff.

  On the Friday evening, three days after their argument, she heard a light knock on her door and Geoff walked in.

  “Fuck off.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry?”

  “Sorry we argued. Honestly I’m not ashamed of you or anything…”

  “I know I speak with a scouse accent. I don’t have the right clothes for your family. I wouldn’t know how to behave properly. I wouldn’t know which knife and fork to use and I’d speak with my mouth full and slouch and put my elbows on the table. I should never have thought I could visit your family. You’ve got every reason to be ashamed of me.”

  Geoff had not expected her to be so defensive, so self-deprecating.

  “I’m not ashamed of you it’s just that things are difficult at home. I couldn’t take anyone home. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, I just panicked. You see mother is a bit, well difficult, she’s a bit possessive. I just panicked when you mentioned it. I wasn’t expecting it. I’m sorry.”

  She had never seen Geoff so tongue tied.

  “You’re going to be away for ages.”

  “Just over three weeks.”

  “That’s ages.”

  “You won’t be alone, there’ll be others staying in hall over Christmas. You might even have some fun.”

  “I’ll miss you.” She didn’t say any more as Geoff had locked the door behind him and his arms were already around her and his mouth on hers.

  Nearly an hour later they lay together on the bed, Geoff gently stroking Anya’s hair and pulling it out of her face, tucking it gently behind her ears.

  “You never said anything about having no family.”

  “I don’t suppose we have had a lot of talking time.”

  “Tell me now.”

  What Anya told him then was all Geoff ever knew of Anya’s background for far too many years.

  “My father died when I was very young, I don’t know anything about him really. We didn’t have any money so things were a bit tough then Mum died last summer of cancer.”

  “No brothers or sisters?”

  “No. Just me.”

  “No grand-parents, uncles or aunts or cousins?”

  “I’ve got an uncle but he lives abroad. I’ve never met him. Uncle Vincent.”

  “My poor Anya.”

  “And you? What about you? You said your Dad’s dead?”

  “He died on the day I was born.”

  “That must have been tough on your Mum.”

  “She’s never lets us forget it.”

  “Us? You’ve got brothers? Sisters?”

  “One sister, Margaret, 5 years older than me. That’s it. You see I have to be there for them, at Christmas. I’m sorry I made you think you weren’t good enough. If anything you’re too good for them.”

  “Geoff?”

  “Yes?”

  “Nothing.”

  She wanted to know whether he loved her enough to cope with all her problems, whether they were going to have a long term relationship or just pack it in at the end of the year and go their separate ways; she wanted to know if he cared for her enough to stay with her when he knew she couldn’t have children and the reason why not. She had wanted to know, if they did stay together, whether he would be on her side whatever life threw at them. But the opportunity was lost. She didn’t ask, she just lay back as he began to work on her again.

  Years later Anya remembered that evening and wished that so much more had been said, so many more secrets had been aired. It would have saved so much heartache.

  Anya was surprised at how lonely she felt when Geoff said goodbye. She was going to be on her own for a far shorter time than through the previous summer and there were still lectures and seminars to attend and essays to write but the time went very slowly. Everything she did that had been their normal routine made her miss Geoff more. Back in her own room again she found the list of things she had planned to do over the summer to become the New Anya.

  •Me: Get a tan, sort nails and hair, slim! Accent! Voice!

  Despite listening to the BBC rather than pirate radio she had not lost her accent. She would focus on that while Geoff was away. She allowed herself to be chatted up by Harold, a well-spoken post-graduate from the English department. The first morning they lay in his bed together she asked him if he would help her lose all traces of her accent and teach her all the things about manners and knives and forks that all middle class girls would know. He agreed with certain conditions about what she would have to do in return to which she agreed readily. Harold chose passages for her to read and she found herself enjoying the sonnets of John Donne, extracts from Shakespeare’s plays and chapters of Jane Austen. He listened abstractly as she read, speaking only to correct her pronunciation, his fingers exploring her as she tried to ignore him. She allowed it only because it was her part of their bargain.

  ‘Are you ashamed of who you are?’ he had asked suddenly one evening in the middle of explaining the use of various pieces of cutlery Anya had never imagined existed. She hadn’t been sure how to answer so she said nothing. ‘The only difference between you and me is that I have the confidence to be who and what I am whether other people like me or not. It is the confidence of breeding. You have no such confidence as you have no breeding but I must give you credit for learning fast. Hold yourself well, speak quietly and clearly, don’t say y’know at the end of every sentence, be polite to everyone whoever they are, say nothing if you have nothing to say, these are the best pieces of advice I can give you.’ There were times she thought she was paying too great a price as she lay back and let him do what he wanted but on the whole she thought it was time well spent. By the day before New Year’s Eve she had had enough of Harold’s dingy bedroom that, for all his ‘breeding’ stank of sweat and sheets that needed washing, and went back to her room in hall to practice on her own until Geoff returned.

  Geoff’s Christmas was as frustrating as he had expected it to be.

  He did his duty, organising the traditional Philips family Christmas, negotiating with a local farmer for the turkey, discussing the wines with the vintner who had served his family for years. Frantic Christmas preparations helped take his mind off Anya. He couldn’t avoid seeing Fiona as her family were invited to the same parties as the Philips family but he did his best not to be alone with her. Geoff looked at the older
and younger generations mixing and, with all the men in Dinner Jackets and the women in what he now thought of in Anya’s words as ‘posh frocks’, he could identify no differences. Margaret and Fiona looked just the same age, and more importantly acted the same age, as their mothers. How many noses would Anya put out of joint if only she were here. He was surprised by how much he thought about her. None of his other Liverpool girls had affected him like this.

  At the golf club New Year’s Eve ball he was surprised when Fiona took his hand and led him outside, away from the lights and noise to her father’s car. She arranged herself awkwardly on the back seat where she would allow some necking as long as it didn’t mark her dress. She was shocked when Geoff, without saying a word, lay almost on top of her and tried to push her dress up with one hand. Fiona’s outraged ‘Geoff! No! What do you think you are doing?’ made him realise where he was and who he was with.

  “I was going to make love to you, you stupid woman.” He spoke quickly and without thinking.

  “You were what?”

  “I thought it was what you wanted.”

  “Of course it wasn’t. What on earth made you think I wanted you to do that to me?”

  “You brought me up here. What else was I supposed to think?”

  “I thought if we were alone together, well, you’re graduating this year, I thought we’d talk about, well, what you were going to do, what we…”

  Geoff had to stifle his laughter when he realised she had led him away from the crowds of the New Year’s Ball so he could propose to her. Fiona was working with their mothers to trap him. They probably already had the wedding planned.

  Fiona’s attitude changed from one of wheedling regret to anger. “You’ve been having it off with someone else haven’t you? I know you have. How could you? I thought we were waiting for each other.”

  Geoff returned anger with anger. “What the fuck do you expect? A Virgin? I’m nearly 21 for fucks sake.”

  She switched off her anger and began to cry. “Oh Geoff. I thought you loved me. I thought…”

  “Well you know what thought did don’t you? Is this why you’ve been leading me on? Letting me have a little bit more of you every time. Well it hasn’t worked. One day, Fiona, you’ll realise you can’t lead men on. One day the man you’re with won’t stop when you say so.”

  “There will never be another man.”

  “No.” He spoke quietly but firmly. “It’s my turn to say no. I am not going to be drawn along like some bloody fish on a hook. I have a proper girlfriend in Liverpool. She’s a real woman, not some inexperienced, immature little prick-teaser who looks like a clone of her mother. If ever you succeed in wheedling me into a quiet room or the back of a car I will not stop, I’ll take you whether you like it or not. You know what? I think if push came to shove you’d enjoy it.”

  The next morning at breakfast he told his mother he had to go back to Liverpool early.

  “You can’t darling, we’ve been so busy with Christmas and the New Year we haven’t had a chance to discuss your 21st birthday.”

  “I didn’t think there was much to discuss.”

  “You’ll be on your Easter vacation so we’ll be able to have a real family party.”

  “But it won’t be on my birthday will it? It’ll be the day before or the week after. My birthday doesn’t really matter does it? Not even my 21st.”

  “I don’t think that’s very fair Geoffrey. You know why it’s such a difficult day for me.”

  “I do think it’s fair, very fair. This is my 21st. It’s the most important birthday of my life, the least you could do is celebrate it on the right day.”

  His mother, as she always did when she suspected she might not win, changed the subject. “You aren’t the same boy you were. You used to be so understanding and now you’re just self-centred, it’s as if your family and your life here mean nothing to you.”

  “Oh for God’s sake Mother don’t do this. I’m nearly 21. This silly attempt at manipulation won’t work anymore. Anyway I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Eric Atherton, yes I know it’s New Year’s Day but he’s said he’s happy to meet me at the beginning of such an important year for me, then I’m driving straight back to Liverpool.”

  “We’re meeting Eric? What time? I must get ready.”

  “No mother. I am meeting Eric, not us. Me. On my own.”

  Kathleen was shocked to hear her son called their elderly solicitor by his first name. She shivered, filled with the fear that the moment she had dreaded for twenty-one years had arrived. Kathleen had known since the reading of her husband’s will that when Geoffrey took control of his inheritance her life would change immeasurably but over the years she had persuaded herself she could control that change. As she listened to the determination in her son’s voice she knew that her attempts at control of her son had been self-defeating.

  His mother’s silence told Geoff that at last he held the reins of his life in his own hands and he was not kind. “It’s a big year for me. I have to decide what to do with my life, I have to decide how to provide for you and Margaret. But these are my decisions. Eric has told me that my father’s firm belief was not to weaken the inheritance by dividing it. He insisted that the wealth be kept in one set of hands, and those hands were to be mine and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.”

  Kathleen could not keep the bitterness out of her voice. “What is there to talk to Eric about? We all know everything is yours, Margaret gets nothing, I get nothing. We don’t even have a right to live in our own home.”

  “Oh for God’s sake why do you have to over-dramatise everything? Do you think I’m going to throw you and Margaret out? As to money the estate will give you an allowance.”

  Nothing could have made Kathleen more aware of her imminent change of status than his using the word ‘allowance’.

  “And you have to give me an allowance! An allowance! You, my 21 year old son, have to give me an allowance!”

  “The sum Eric has suggested is extremely generous. You won’t want for much.”

  “You’ve actually discussed a sum? Without me?” Kathleen’s humiliation seemed complete. “And what about your sister?”

  “Apparently my father didn’t think that would be his problem. He would have expected her to be married before now, she’s 26, almost middle aged as far as he and anyone in the 1950s would have been concerned.

  Kathleen had difficulty holding back her tears of frustration. “How can you be so horrid? I don’t know why she isn’t married yet. Tim will come up to scratch it’s just that he’s taking longer than we expected.”

  “Poor old Tim He’s got no chance has he! Margaret will get an allowance since she seems unable to earn decent money, but that can’t go on indefinitely. She can’t expect me to subsidise her for longer than a year or so. When she gets married I’ll buy her a house as a sort of dowry. She won’t be penniless.”

  “How very magnanimous of you.” Ever since the week after he had died Kathleen had understood the depths of the contempt her husband had felt for women in general and for her in particular. “I suppose my job is to get Margaret and Tim married as soon as possible.”

  “If he’s the only option.”

  “Margaret and Tim are very well suited.” Kathleen tried to speak with dignity as she discussed her daughter’s future.

  “But they don’t love each other.”

  “What’s love got to do with a successful marriage?”

  “Is that what you really think?” Geoff was shocked but wasn’t going to show it.

  “Perhaps I’m old fashioned.”

  “I think you are, and they don’t even seem to like each other very much and I think that that should be the very minimum requirement. Is there no one else on the cards? No one else whose mother you’ve known since time began and who will have an excellent and lucrative professional career or who will inherit loads of cash, or both?”

  “Don’t be so offensive! Who Margaret marries is no busin
ess of yours.”

  “I’m afraid it is. Even though she’s over 21 my consent is required if she is to benefit in any way from our father’s will.” Geoff wished, not for the first time, that he had met his father. He would have liked to understand the man who could leave a son that hadn’t been born such power over his wife and daughter. Despite never having met him Geoff knew exactly what his father had intended. “He really didn’t think much of women did he?”

  “Will you take up the business interests?” Kathleen asked in a resigned voice that made Geoff think perhaps he had gone too far.

  “I will learn what I can at board meetings but I’ll probably let it carry on running itself. I’ll learn what I can but I can’t see myself being hands on for a good few years. I’m still a student and,” he looked at his watch, “I’ve got to go. It’ll be a long day what with meeting Eric then the drive up north.” He kissed his mother briefly on the cheek and left. “Forget about any 21st party it’ll be far too much trouble, it’s Easter weekend anyway and close to my finals so I’ll probably stay up in Liverpool until graduation.

  “But that’s June!”

  “Only six months.”

  He picked up his bag and his briefcase and escaped.

  “Do you ever worry I’ll get pregnant?” Anya asked him as they lay together on his bed twelve hours later.

  “Shit! Aren’t you on the pill or something?” Geoff hadn’t thought about it. He had assumed she had got it all under control.

  “No I’m not on the pill or anything.”

  “A coil?” He had no idea what one was but he knew it was some form of birth control. “You’ve never asked me to use a Durex.”

  “I hate the things. Ruin everything. No feeling.”

  “We’ve been having sex with no protection at all?” With his mind full of money and inheritance it crossed his mind that Anya might be trapping him into marriage far more effectively than Fiona.