Choice

by Kennedy, Allison J.

  There was no easy answer. If I told him, it would be in the open. He knew everything else, so why not this? If I didn’t tell him, he would find out eventually . . . unless I opted to terminate my pregnancy anyway.

  The thing was, I didn’t even know if I was pro-choice. My viewpoint had shifted throughout my life, back and forth, back and forth. I had never really known how to feel about it. Something inside of me had always felt resistant to the idea of abortion though.

  But I had never imagined I would be the one facing this decision. Had I actually been naive enough to think this sort of thing could never happen to me?

  I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to feel. It was on the tip of my tongue; all I had to do was say it. For the first time, I actually wished Alex could read my mind. I wished he was in tune enough to know that something was horribly wrong. But perhaps he was, and he knew if I trusted him, I would let him in.

  I did trust him.

  “I’m pregnant,” I breathed, barely above a whisper. The words were so quiet and matter-of-fact that Alex actually looked at me with confusion clearly etched on his face. I watched him process what I said, his face shrouded by shadows, but his eyes clearly visible. It was like an internal conversation was flickering behind his eyes.

  I don’t know what I had expected. Was it for him to offer some kind of wisdom? Was it for him to stay? To abandon me on this bench? His silence was unnerving. For the first time, he was speechless.

  “Well. Now you know.” I stood up and tucked my hands into my coat. ”I should get going. Thanks for inviting me out, but I think I should head home. I have homework.” Things I can barely manage when I’m not carrying my rapist’s baby, I thought, turning toward the path.

  “May, wait. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I was just—”

  “Surprised?” I answered, facing him. “Confused? Unsure of what to say to the girl you kissed just yesterday? I get it, Alex. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m just realizing how crazy this was; how delusional I must be.”

  “What do you mean?” he shook his head. “You’re not delusional, May. I care for you.”

  “That’s not what I mean. I mean that you’re great. You’re amazing, even. And me? I’m ruined, Alex. You have enough pain. You don’t need mine.”

  “I don’t see it that way.”

  “Well, I do,” I promised vehemently. “And now I’m not only ruined, but I’m pregnant. No matter how many times I say it, or think it, it doesn’t make any more sense than that. Had I actually thought I could entertain some sort of relationship with you? Two weeks after being assaulted?” I paused, grinding my teeth together. “I’m such an idiot.” I turned away and began scaling the steep concrete slope.

  “You’re not ruined. I’m not ruined. That’s what I’m trying to show you.”

  I kept walking, and I didn’t stop until I was heaving for air by my car. Sweat trickled down my forehead as I climbed inside. Laying my hands on my abdomen, I bent forward and caught my breath.

  When I sat up straight a while later, I startled, noticing someone in the corner of my eye. I immediately realized it was Alex. He was standing at the path entrance, staring out at the ocean, his back to me.

  He was letting me leave, but he was making sure I made it safely. That is what almost caused me to flee from my car and beg him to hold me and take this all away. Instead, I used what little resolve I had left to start the engine and back out of the parking lot.

  Twenty-One

  THERE WERE TWO THINGS I learned that night. First: in the state of Oregon, a minor could have an abortion without the permission of a parent. Second: I learned I was capable of truly considering such a means to an end.

  I don’t know how long I sat at my computer in my bedroom in the dark, the light from the monitor drowning out my surroundings. All I could do was stare at the logo for a local abortion clinic, wondering what it would be like if I chose this option. Their slogan was “Helping women reclaim their future.” It seemed like such a fallacy because I hadn’t even considered my future since the day all of this was thrust upon me. I hadn’t even realized how much I had given up until then, sitting there with the pink emblem burning itself into my mind.

  I wondered if aborting my body’s unwanted inhabitant would change anything. I already felt hopeless. Lost. Damaged. Already I despised what had taken root inside of me. I despised it as much as I despised its father.

  Its father. That title didn’t even seem to fit, and Tyler wasn’t deserving of it. I knew I was certainly not a mother; I was merely a facilitator.

  I looked down at my abdomen and my lips began to quiver. How dare he, I thought. How dare he put this inside of me? How dare he take what wasn’t his?

  I wept, rocking back and forth, hating him; hating his fetus. Hating myself. “I want it gone,” I cried quietly, hoping my groans wouldn’t be heard down the hall.

  My phone dinged. Its light swirled and flickered into my watery eyes. Sniffing loudly, I blinked a few times and listened to the voicemail:

  “I know you need time and space,” Alex said gently. “I will give you that. I just wanted you to know I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

  I put my phone down and dragged myself to bed.

  * * *

  “Stop moving!”

  My head whipped to the side to escape his lips, trying to bring my legs together as he blocked my attempt with his body. “Please stop,” I begged, feeling him struggle to remove my underwear. He couldn’t take them off while he was between my legs, so he tore the fabric apart.

  “I’ll be quick,” he said, as if it excused what he was doing.

  The pain was searing. One moment I was sobbing and the next I couldn’t even breathe. “Please,” I whispered, burying my face into the plush pillows on Tyler’s bed, willing myself to dissolve into it.

  “May.”

  Hands shook me. My eyes snapped open and I saw my mom standing over me, her brows pulled together. “Do you want to tell me what this is?” she asked, holding my phone in front of my face. I blinked over and over, trying to adjust my vision. On the screen was a text from Addison.

  Addison: Hey. My mom found the pregnancy test in my trash can. I didn’t tell her it was yours, but she guessed it. She said she sensed something was up with you. I’m so sorry, May. I should have remembered to get rid of it.

  I sat up slowly and forced myself to look at her. For once, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. I had never seen her look so pale and angry and confused. “Why were you looking through my phone?” was all I could ask, but I knew immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.

  “Your phone lit up when I was taking your laundry basket,” she said through her teeth. “I’m not going to ask you to explain again.”

  I felt myself deflate. I wished I could disappear. “What is there to explain?” I murmured hopelessly. “You already know.”

  She stared at me, her lips a razor-thin line. “You couldn’t have thought to use protection? Or tell me you wanted to be on the pill? What have you honestly learned about responsibility, May? You are not the daughter I raised.”

  She might as well have stabbed me in the gut. I hugged my waist and tried not to let her see me cry. “The condom broke,” I said. It had to be true. Tyler wore a condom, yet clearly it had failed. I couldn’t let her know the rest of the story because if I did, I would never have a hope of moving on from this and not dragging it out in a legal case.

  Just knowing there had been a condom involved seemed to quench at least a little bit of the fire fueling her anger. She exhaled loudly, her shoulders sagging. “Who is the father?”

  Oh, God. Please don’t ask me this. I shook my head, wishing this was just an extension of the dream she had shaken me from. I knew if I told her who he was, she would insist on talking to him. I couldn’t let that happen. No matter what, she would seek him out. “I was stupid, okay? I drank at that party I went to a couple weeks ago. I slept with a cousin of one of the girl
s who was invited from a different school. I don’t remember his name.” She already thought I was a disappointment anyway, so what did I have to lose in lying about a one-night stand?

  I was amazed that even to me, it didn’t sound like I was lying. The explanation had tumbled from my mouth with such ease that even I almost believed it. In this case, lying was becoming much, much easier than the truth.

  “Since when do you drink? And since when would you sleep with some random guy you just met?” she seethed, standing up to pace by my bed. “I can’t believe you would do this!”

  Her hateful tone cut me to the bone. If only she knew I was a victim. All I could do was take her scathing fury and pretend like it was justified. “I know it was stupid, alright?” I spat, throwing the blankets off to get to my feet. “But you don’t have to worry about it. I’m taking care of it soon. I know I’m not ready to be a mother.” To any child, and especially this one.

  She paused and crossed her arms. “That’s the smartest thing you’ve said in a while,” she stated with control over every syllable. “Get dressed. You still have responsibilities.”

  And I did get dressed, but I didn’t make it downstairs until it was well past the time for class to start. Instead, I lay in a ball on the bathroom floor on the plush, purple carpet beneath me as I sobbed.

  For the first time in my entire life, I wished my life could end.

  Now

  I WAS IN LABOR for fifteen hours with my daughter. After two failed attempts at an epidural, I dilated to ten centimeters in a matter of thirty minutes. I thought she was going to split me in two, and I’m pretty sure I deafened everyone in the room with my screams. But about halfway through pushing efforts, I had a moment where I drew on my inner strength. I had to be strong. I couldn’t be weak any longer. My daughter needed me.

  I was silent and determined until she entered the world. She was wailing and screeching in disapproval of her cold, sudden arrival. The moment I saw her, I cried in longing. I needed to hold her. I needed to see her face.

  And I know I’m not as strong as I was in those fleeting minutes. Sometimes I think I’m just as weak as I was before. But it’s moments like these, when she takes my cheeks between her hands and makes her lips vibrate together, drooling bubbles around her enormous grin that I feel like I can go on. She is my lifeline.

  Then

  “WELL, YOU’RE CLEARLY going to miss school today. I think we should go ahead and tell your father, don’t you think?”

  I stopped in my tracks and dropped my book bag on the floor next to the kitchen island. “I really should go to class . . . .”

  “You should,” she responded sharply. “But you won’t. I will call the school to notify them of your absence and then arrange a meeting time with your father. I’ll wait for you in the car.”

  The door slammed behind her. I pushed my hands into my hair and closed my eyes.

  “You’re having a baby?” Grace asked behind me.

  I shook my head. “No. I don’t think I am.”

  She clearly understood what I meant. Her lips trembled. “I hope you’ll change your mind. It’s innocent, you know?”

  I realized then that Grace might not have been a carbon copy of our mother. And had she said anything else, anything at all, I wouldn’t have loathed this sign of independence. “It’s none of your business, Grace,” I said flatly, and made my way out the door.

  * * *

  MY INSIDES FELT HOLLOW as my mom and I sat on the other side of my father’s desk, watching him rifle through charts with his glasses hanging low on the bridge of his nose. “Did you get in trouble at school or something?” he asked, obviously buried with work, which only made me feel guilty for burdening him with something such as this in the middle of his shift.

  “Stop and listen for a moment, Lucas. For God’s sake!”

  I looked at Mom, cringing. Her nostrils were flaring with each breath and she was red in the face. The sound of papers moving around ceased and I turned my head to find my father watching me. We finally had his attention and I was terrified.

  “What is it, May?” he asked, taking his glasses off.

  I watched him fold them and set them aside, inhaling a deep breath to muster up the courage to speak. My hand went to my stomach. “Dad, I . . .” I cleared my throat when my voice cracked. “I’m—”

  “Dr. O’Hara, we have a rape victim. She has trauma to the back of her skull.”

  My breath left me in a rush of shock and defeat.

  He looked at the nurse in his doorway. “I’m busy, Andrea. Page Dr. Shrader.”

  “Dr. Shrader is in the O.R. There’s nobody else.”

  He sighed and nodded, putting his glasses back on. “Wait here, May. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

  “Sit your ass back down!” Mom snapped. “Give your daughter five minutes to talk.”

  “Dr. O’Hara?” the nurse inquired, casting my mom a glare.

  “The girl may not have five minutes.” He headed for the door.

  “Lucas, May is pregnant.”

  I whipped around to face her, my mouth dropping open in humiliation. I heard Andrea’s shoes hit the tile as she sprinted away, and the door closed behind her. Slowly I turned to find my father staring down at me. His hand clutched the doorknob. “What did your mother just say?”

  I rose to my feet, looking up at him in utter shame. “It’s true. I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean—”

  What? I didn’t mean to get raped? I didn’t mean to lie and say it was with someone else? That it was consensual?

  “I’m sorry to let you down.”

  He adjusted his stethoscope around his neck, his jaw flexing rhythmically. “We will discuss this further tonight.”

  And then he was gone.

  Twenty-Two

  WE ALL SAT AROUND the kitchen table, Grace included, since my mom had insisted this was her business too. I kept my eyes on the planks that made up the surface, examining the grain of the wood as if it were of great interest. Nobody had said anything yet. And I didn’t know what they wanted to hear.

  “Have you considered the alternative?” Mom asked.

  I looked at her blankly. “What alternative?”

  “Keeping it,” Dad said.

  I swallowed, shifting in my seat. I was surprised it was even an option they would consider viable. “No. I haven’t.”

  “What does the father think?”

  I turned my eyes to my dad, exhaling slowly to calm my heartbeat. “He doesn’t know. I don’t even know how to contact him.”

  “You can’t be serious,” he sighed in disbelief.

  “Well, I don’t think it’s something you should consider,” Mom said, getting my attention. “You’re only seventeen. You have college and a career ahead of you.” She fingered the doily in front of her. “Wouldn’t you agree, Lucas?”

  “I think it’s her decision and we should be supportive either way.”

  Mom rolled her eyes. “I think it’s obvious what she wants.”

  “Do you know when you conceived?” Dad asked, ignoring her.

  I exhaled slowly, trying to keep my emotions under control. “About two and a half weeks ago? We only had . . .” I straightened in my chair. “It was only one time.”

  Dad nodded. “When was your period due?” he asked, his tone as clinical as if he were speaking to one of his patients.

  I pushed my hands into my hair, staring straight down at the table. “A couple days ago.”

  “You’re very early,” he sighed. “So there’s time to decide. I’m not a proponent of abortion as a form of birth control, and had this been rape, I would feel differently. But you made your bed, May. Only you can decide whether or not to sleep in it.”

  My hands trembled. I was so close to telling them it was rape, just so that their false judgment would cease. But then everyone else would judge me. The shame was too crippling. All I could do was sit there, frozen under the stares I could feel, even from Grace, who hadn’t said a word. �
�Can I go to my room?” I whispered.

  “We’re not done yet,” Dad said. “You may or may not abort this pregnancy, but until you decide, you need to be educated on prenatal care.”

  For the next half hour I was drowned in information about prenatal vitamins, proper nutrition, medications I could no longer take, and what to expect in my body. The whole speech was torture, mainly because my dad was the last person I wanted to hear it from—especially the parts about cervical mucus and changes in my breasts. Somewhere along the way I begged to just wait and hear this from the doctor who would be performing my exam, and he finally relented. Though, I was abundantly aware of how big of a disappointment I was.

  It was all pointless anyway. Staying pregnant was simply not an option.

  * * *

  ADDISON WAS WAITING for me by my locker the next morning. Her tired eyes widened when she saw me coming. “I’ve been so worried about you. I’m so sorry, May. I shouldn’t have been so careless.”

  “It’s alright. Really,” I assured her as I turned the dial. “It actually turned out alright. They’re pissed, really pissed, but at least I don’t have to try to hide it from them.”

  “So you told them everything?”

  I paused to look at her. “No. Not everything. But I don’t think they’ll be asking who the father is anymore.”

  “How did you manage that?”

  “I told them it was a one night stand,” I shrugged. “Which made them even more pissed. It doesn’t matter though. I’m having an exam tonight and a consult to learn what I can do to fix this.”

  Addison nodded slowly. It was obvious she wanted to say something. “What is it?” I asked.

  “It’s just . . . I hope you’ll take some time to think about whether or not you really want to do this.”

  “Look, I know you’re against abortion,” I whispered so only she would hear. “But I—”

  “It doesn’t matter what I’m for or against, May. I can’t tell you what to do in this situation. I just want you to acknowledge there might be some repercussions.”