On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20)

by Lisa Heaton

  “So as long as you are having a good time with her, it’s okay to string her along?”

  John gripped the steering wheel tighter, uncomfortable with the conversation. “I’m not stringing her along. She knows how I feel. I’ve been upfront from the very beginning.”

  “And she’s okay with that?”

  In truth, she had no choice in the matter, and John had made sure of it. Softly he said, “Yeah, she’s okay with it.”

  “You’re either lying to me or to yourself. I saw the look on her face last night. You did too.”

  Pulling up to the barn on his property, John got out of the truck, shutting the conversation down. Enough was said. His dad had made his point.

  Chelsea was sitting on the porch snapping green beans with Louise. They had spent the morning in the kitchen canning tomatoes, and after lunch, when John went with his dad to the other ranch, started deciding what they would have for dinner. She felt very much like she was at her grandparents’ house. Her dad’s parents lived on the same farm in the original farmhouse. With her grandparents living so close, Chelsea spent nearly as much time with them as she did at home. Back then, it was her favorite place to be. When her grandmother died of cancer just before Chelsea’s fifteenth birthday, her grandfather didn’t live much longer after that. Her mom always said he died of loneliness. Louise and Claude’s relationship reminded her of how her grandparents loved one another. They seemed so devoted, that she would have to believe one would not live very long without the other, just like her grandparents.

  Everything about being on the ranch made Chelsea miss her own home. In the early years of living in L.A., she was glad to be away from the whispers and embarrassment that came along with Tuck’s return home. With her mind so focused on school, she didn’t think nearly as much about home. She always kept a job, so between work and school, she had plenty to keep her occupied.

  Louise noticed how quiet Chelsea had become. Since her arrival, she’d been very talkative, so her silence indicated she must be deep in thought. The night before, there was a sudden tension, maybe even a sense of sadness that filled both John and Chelsea. Claude noticed it too. Louise had no doubt that Chelsea loved John. She would have to be blind not to see it. John, on the other hand, was harder to read. He was more affectionate with her than he ever was with Tracy. She had never seen John smile and joke around with Tracy as he did with Chelsea. She could hardly leave the room that she didn’t return to find him embracing her, oftentimes kissing her. It was sweet, something she’d not seen in John as a man. And just the fact that he brought her there to meet them spoke volumes about his feelings for her. Still, though, there was some level of restraint that he maintained with her. He was intentionally keeping himself at a distance. Chelsea knew it too, Louise was all but certain. That was the hint of what happened between them the night before. One minute they both seemed caught up in the moment of togetherness, the next, they both seemed drained of any happiness at all, or at least by their expressions that was the way it seemed.

  From the moment she met Chelsea, she could tell there was something special about her. She was not at all who one would expect to be with John, and Louise had to wonder how she and John had gotten together. The times she asked, her question was never really answered. She really didn’t care how they met, just that Chelsea cared for John, which she clearly did. Louise was tremendously relieved to see John with a girl who shared their faith. As many times as she prayed for a renewing of John’s faith, she always knew that for that to happen, there’d have to be something significant in his life to point him in the direction of God. Maybe that something significant was Chelsea. There was a stirring deep in her heart that gave her cause to hope.

  When John came pulling up the driveway with his dad, Chelsea could see he had a strained expression on his face the moment he stepped out of the truck. He smiled at her, though, so she believed nothing was seriously the matter.

  “Want to go for a ride?” he called out.

  Funny how just the sight of him set her heart to racing. Not wanting to leave Louise with the rest of the beans, she said, “I’m snapping beans right now.”

  Reaching for Chelsea’s bowl, Louise insisted, “Don’t be silly. I can finish this up. You go.”

  John walked nearer to the porch and told her, “Get your boots then.”

  When Chelsea returned with her boots, she was pleasantly surprised to discover that the ride he intended was on horseback. They rode west, out toward where the majority of his property sprawled. While riding, it didn’t escape her notice how quiet John was. Often, though, he turned to her and smiled, which reassured her throughout his moments of silence. She had been as lost in thought throughout much of the morning, just as he currently seemed to be, so the time they rode without speaking didn’t bother her. Chelsea was now lost in the magnificence of the scenery around her.

  As much as she considered the scenes she watched on TV to be breathtaking, she was ill-prepared for the actual beauty of the mountains of Montana. Often, when reaching the top of one rise, she would gasp at what was yet before them. With each passing moment, she found more to be seen than could actually be absorbed. Her mind was nearly boggled by the variety of shapes and textures contained within the panoramic view. In one scene, she was looking out over a blanket of tall evergreens, but by turning her head just barely, she saw jagged rock formations mixed within the green countryside and winding waterways. The landscape nearest them was like a brilliant canvas framed by even greater splendor farther away. Mountains in the distance spread before them in layer upon layer of peaks and valleys, colors and hues of which she could only wonder. Recalling the night she went with John to the gallery opening, she could easily imagine this masterpiece of God hanging on the wall there. Now this was art.

  Currently, they rode on a level plain, but as John slowed his pace, and with an outstretched arm indicating she slow down as well, Chelsea realized they were coming near the edge of a large cliff.

  Again, gasping at what lay before her, Chelsea exclaimed, “It’s much more than I imagined. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  John thought of their first date and how he suspected she was not quite as interested in Montana as she let on. Quickly, though, he believed she was sincere and had ever since planned to bring her to see the sights.

  “I knew you’d love it here.” In the early days after Tracy’s death, John spent an inordinate amount of time on horseback, riding alone, trying to determine how he had allowed their lives to become what they had. Always, the why and how led back to Montana.

  They dismounted and John took Chelsea’s hand, leading her nearer the edge where a boulder jutted out from yet another larger one. Leaning against it, he pulled her near to him and for a moment, they stood looking out at the open country, neither saying anything. John could think of little else but what transpired the night before and his father’s comments of the morning. His accusation of selfishness was accurate and John knew it. The expression of sadness that came over Chelsea as she sat with his parents was something he would never forget. He was responsible for it. As for his selfishness, it was exactly that which kept him from committing to her beyond what they agreed. Someone like her deserved a man who’d be truly engaged, like Mark was with Karen and the girls, like his father had always been. John had tried with Tracy and proven what a failure he was. Tracy suffered in a way he would never want for Chelsea.

  First to break the silence, she asked, “Is this all yours?”

  “As far as the eye can see.”

  For another moment she was quiet as she enjoyed the feeling of leaning against him, his hand holding tightly onto hers. Finally, she couldn’t help but wonder aloud, “How much is enough for you?”

  “What do you mean?” He really didn’t have to ask; he could hear it in the tone of her voice.

  “You strive and strive for more. Will you ever have enough?”

  He looked away, uncomfortable, knowing she was peering inside of him
and seeing his insecurities. Memories flooded his mind. That sense of unworthiness that followed him for years felt as real in that moment as it did when he was eighteen years old.

  “Her name was Melinda.” Taking Chelsea by the shoulders, he moved her back so that he could look at her face. Smiling, he admitted, “Your eyes are similar, sweet and kind, with a little sparkle when you’re happy.” It was that sparkle that kept him always mindful of keeping her happy. And when it faded or dimmed even in the slightest, he immediately noticed.

  “We dated my senior year, well, most of it anyway. I was crazy about her, and in the beginning, I think she was crazy about me too.” It hadn’t been so long since he last thought of her. Late one night, while working late in his office, she crossed his mind. He’d always known she was the beginning of it all, the driving force behind his relentless drive.

  “She always said she wanted more than ranch life, but for some reason, I thought she’d change her mind. Honestly, I thought we’d end up together. I was young and foolish.” He chuckled softly, thinking back to how little his expectations of life and himself were back then. “In the spring before we graduated, she broke things off. It wasn’t long after that she began dating another guy, a rich boy from town. He drove a new car, and I had an old pick-up from the ranch. He had plans, and my only plan was to go to school and come back and work the ranch with my dad. Back then, that was enough for me.”

  Chelsea was stunned that he was opening up to her as he was. It was a rare occasion that he spoke of anything from his past beyond his childhood and his parents. “Whatever happened to her?”

  “She lives in town, married to an insurance guy.” John had seen her in town a few times over the years. Once, with Tracy, he ran into her at the diner and found he felt a sense of satisfaction that he had such a beautiful and successful woman on his arm and Melinda remained in town after all. He later regretted such arrogance. Especially once Melinda began to have children and he realized he likely never would. That was the season KI really exploded, with him maniacal in his pace and schedule. He distinctly remembered those mountaintop moments. When he would take over another company or undercut someone in any deal, he would immediately remind himself that he was better than some rancher’s son and certainly better than an insurance guy.

  When he last saw Melinda, she was just as pretty as she was back in school. That sparkle in her eyes, however, had long since faded. It likely diminished with her dreams of getting away from small town life. Before he married Tracy, just a few months before he found out she married, she called him once when he was home visiting his parents, but John cut the conversation short. His feelings for her died the moment he saw her riding in the car with that other guy. Who knows, maybe he never felt much to begin with. Maybe his pride was more injured than his heart.

  “You must’ve really loved her.”

  Shaking his head, he admitted, “Not as much as it might seem. It wasn’t her that affected me so much. It was more that feeling of not being good enough for her.”

  “So you set out to prove you were?”

  Grinning at her astuteness, he realized, no matter her age, Chelsea had an uncanny way of looking into the heart of people, their motives and hidden agendas. He noticed it first at the gallery opening, on their second date. Since then she never ceased to amaze him with her insight into people. Before her, he would have believed he had the same gift. “If you were to psychoanalyze me, that would probably be about right.”

  “And you’re still trying to prove it?”

  “Maybe in some ways. All those years ago when I started buying up this land, I thought it would make the feeling go away, but it never really did.” He slid his arm around her waist saying, “I don’t know, Chels, as much as I have and as much as I’ve accomplished, there’s still that eighteen-year-old boy who wants to prove he’s more than a rancher’s son.”

  “I can think of nothing better than a rancher’s son.” Chelsea thought back to not so many years ago when all she wanted was to be a farmer’s wife. It was what she had always wanted, to be like her mom. Never before did she have the drive or desire to go to business school. It was a dream her granddad planted that caused her to go, that coupled with Tuck returning home from college with his pregnant wife. More so than a dream, school was an escape, an expensive, far away escape.

  “Just think, if I’d become a rancher, I would’ve never met you.”

  “That’s true.” And, she thought, if she’d never left home for school, they never would have met either.

  They both fell silent again. Considering her thoughts from the night before, she eventually said, “Listen, I spent all night thinking about what we discussed on the porch.”

  He’d thought constantly of it, too. There was no question it was a mistake to continue to lead her on. Just as his dad accused, that was exactly what he was doing. He knew her feelings for him were growing, just as his were. “And?”

  “I’ve decided I’m not going to think about it anymore. I simply want to enjoy the time we have together. I’m having the time of my life with you, and I’m not ready for that to end.”

  Just the night before he told her he wanted to hold on for as long as he could. Without question, he meant that. But the new day brought with it a new perspective, especially in light of his father’s comments. But every time he considered walking away, he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it, not yet. He wasn’t ready for it to end either. “You have to know, I’d never want to see you get hurt. I wish I could promise you a future, but I can’t.”

  Her heart sank, not because she was surprised by his words, but because he confirmed what she already knew. “None of us are promised tomorrow.” With that, Chelsea rested her head on John’s chest and listened to the steady rhythm of his beating heart. Deep in her own heart, she whispered, “Please change his heart. Please, Lord Jesus. Ask anything, and I’ll give it.”

  John unlocked the door to Chelsea’s condo, swinging it open wide for her to enter first. As she walked, though, she was looking back at him, offering to take one of the bags he was carrying. He was excited about her surprise and anxious for her to look in the living room. “No, I’ve got this. You go ahead.”

  Chelsea took two more steps and then froze in her tracks. Turning immediately, she screamed and jumped into John’s waiting arms. As she kissed him all over his face, she found him smiling broader than she’d ever seen before. Clearly his surprise gave him as much joy as it did her. When she finally let go of his neck, she went over and sat on the bench. Gently, she lifted the cover from the keys and traced her fingers lightly along them. Looking up at him, she was beaming. “I’ve never had a piano of my very own before, but I prayed nearly my whole life for one.”

  Her admission caused a deep stirring within him, her tone sounding nearly childlike. Moving to sit beside her, he asked, “How did you learn to play then?”

  “I took lessons on an upright piano, but then I had to practice at home on a used keyboard that my dad bought at a pawn shop. Whenever I could, I went into town and practiced on the piano at church. It was a baby grand like this, but not nearly as beautiful.”

  For a minute she was quiet and simply sat staring at the black and white keys. It was not the cost of the gift that affected her most. What did send her reeling was the fact that he thought of it in the first place. How could he possibly know how long she’d prayed for her own piano? As if encountering a long lost friend, she placed her fingers on the keys and began to play a soft melody.

  After she had played for a few minutes and it became apparent that she didn’t intend to sing, John leaned near, whispering, “Please sing for me.”

  She did. She sang one of the songs she had sung at her grandfather’s funeral, while tears poured down her cheeks. When the song was over, she rested her hands in her lap and continued to gaze at the keys. Without turning to him, and with a shaky voice she asked, “How could you know?”

  Moving closer, he kissed the top of her head and
for several seconds kept his lips pressed against her hair. Finally, he admitted, “I didn’t know it would affect you this way. If only you would have told me, I could’ve gotten you one in the very beginning.” Reaching for her chin, he lifted her head to look at him. “Why can’t you just ask for what you want? I’ll give you anything.”

  Shaking her head, she asked, “Who could want any more than what I already have?”

  Her words gripped his heart, causing him to turn away. Contradicting her words, her eyes gave her away, confessing she longed for more but feared hoping for it. Standing in his mother’s kitchen, he had said he’d do anything she asked of him and just then he said he would give her anything. Those words weren’t true; especially knowing what she really wanted was a future with him. How could he continue to lie to her, or as his father said, string her along? It was never intentional, and he had meant those words under the bounds of their agreement, anything but a future was the reality of where they were.

  Two days after returning from Montana, John was sitting on his plane, bound for New York. Once he was in the air and the landing gear was up, he dialed Chelsea’s number. When she answered, he said, “I wanted to let you know I‘m heading out to New York.” Awkwardly, he added, “It was kind of a last minute thing.”

  Surprised that he went without inviting her, she simply asked, “You have a meeting there?”

  Prior to calling her, he considered the things he could say that would not be a lie. “Yes, a board meeting.” It was true, there was a meeting. Although it was one that didn’t require his attendance, he found he needed the diversion.

  There was something about his tone that made her decide to not ask any more questions. His reason for going was obviously none of her business. She could tell by his short answer that he was unwilling to elaborate further, so she dropped it. “Oh. Well, okay. I hope you have a good trip.”

  When she hung up the phone, Chelsea knew something was up, but wasn’t about to call him on it. The day before, she sensed the same thing. The evening they arrived home from his parents, after he sat with her at the piano, she knew he was upset. Since that night, she had thought about it non-stop. Replaying the conversation over and over in her mind, she could never figure out what changed his mood or what caused him to withdraw. The few times she saw him at work the following day, he seemed distracted. They ate lunch together as they usually did, but he was much quieter than normal. Whatever he was feeling, she knew he would have to work through it on his own. She would give him his space.