On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20)

by Lisa Heaton

  The thought of her graduation caused such mixed emotions to swirl around in his head. Of course, he dreaded the spring because of what it would mean for them, but as for her, he was so proud of her. She studied extremely hard and applied herself to every class and assignment, making her one of the top students in her class. Without question, Chelsea was the most remarkable woman he’d ever met. Even if he didn’t love her, he would think so.

  “Scooch.” Chelsea was bumping John with her hip. As large as the room was, with so many people staying there, there was hardly enough seating when everyone gathered in the living room at one time. When he moved, she wedged herself in between him and Preston. Preston was not yet over his fascination of John’s jet, so he often cornered John, asking dozens of questions about it. She noticed how good natured John was with her brother. With all the craziness and chaos that was her family, she had to wonder how he was coping, but each time she looked at him, he was smiling at something someone was saying or doing. Mostly she watched to see if her father would talk to him and found it was rare when he did. Wisely, John didn’t push the issue. If the occasion arose and conversation was appropriate, one or the other would speak. It was not strained exactly, but there was an obvious distance between them. Her dad was still not pleased, and John was simply being considerate of that fact.

  Christmas Eve was spent with nearly the entire family skiing. Even Caitlin was able to get out on the slopes in the afternoon, leaving the baby with Lexie. Watching the theatrics, Chelsea decided it must be a rare thing for farmers to ski. Compared to everyone else, who seemed so dignified and graceful on the slopes, her family was loud and completely outrageous. Nothing they did seemed to faze John, though. That day, he laughed more than she’d ever heard him laugh. By the end of the day, he seemed to be so much a part of her family that it caused this silly little thread of hope to emerge. Watching him with them, he seemed to belong. He accepted them exactly for who they were: country and rowdy, and they accepted him for who he was, no matter his station in life. Just as she’d been doing since they officially began dating, she continued to pray for God to change his heart. She desperately wanted him to be hers.

  Later that night, once the kids were finally off to bed, Chelsea slid beneath her covers in the room she shared with her sister. Lexie was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when Chelsea’s phone chimed, indicating she had a text. It read: Sneak out and meet me. She replied: otw.

  Bundling up in a heavy coat and sliding on Bobby’s boots, Chelsea walked out onto the back porch looking for John. They’d met the night before just to have a few quiet minutes alone together, and this night, she found him waiting in the exact same spot.

  He felt slightly nervous as he took Chelsea’s hand and walked with her over to the swing. Wrapping his arm around her, he pulled her near and tried to warm her. “I’ve missed you, little girl.”

  Laughing, she asked, “Missed me?”

  “Missed being alone. Missed snuggling with you. Missed this.” He lifted her chin and kissed her.

  Chelsea draped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss. When they were in such an open place, oddly enough, she felt less restraint than when they were alone. Maybe it was the impossibility of things going too far that gave her that freedom. Whatever it was, when he kissed her this night, she felt more fully his than she’d ever felt before. As he trailed kisses down her neck, in that moment, she had a sense that he would be hers forever. It was something that stirred deep within her, assuring her she was safe in loving him. For as long as she’d loved him, she consciously attempted to withhold her heart to some extent. Fear of April was always in the very back of her mind, and while she forced such fears from her immediate thoughts, they hovered above her and ever around her. But recently, especially watching John so easily blend with her family, Chelsea could see a future with him. Even though he’d never once said so, she’d become convinced that John’s love for her was growing to such a deeply intense level, he could never walk away.

  Wisely, John pulled himself away. Always, he wanted her, but this night, he so desperately needed her that he physically ached inside. It was more than raw desire, more than a physical yearning, it was a profound longing to make her his. No matter that desire, his mind was set as far as their future was concerned.

  After a moment of getting himself under some semblance of control, he turned to her, saying, “I wanted this time alone with you. There’s something I want to give you. It’s not something I wanted to discuss in front of your family.”

  Excited, she asked, “What?”

  Though the lighting was not so bright, a glimmer of it caught in Chelsea’s eyes, causing an actual twinkle to appear. He grinned. She couldn’t possibly be any more beautiful, and for a moment, he hesitated, not wanting to say what needed to be said. Finally, he began, “I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks. I want you to have everything you need to get started when you graduate.”

  Already that tiny thread of hope was disintegrating. The sense that he would be hers melted away, leaving in its place the urge to run away from the conversation. When she dared to look in his eyes, in them she found hesitation and maybe even a trace of regret. Based on that, she was certain she didn’t want to hear what was to come. It had been such a perfect moment with the moonlight and the snow-covered mountains surrounding them. “John, don’t.” The last thing she wanted was to talk about life without him. Instead, she wanted to keep on pretending there was that possibility.

  Presuming she was trying to refuse whatever gift he might be offering, he insisted, “I want you to have the condo. You can sell it or stay, but just so you know, what you told your family about it being a million-dollar condo, you were off a bit. It’s more like three. It’s yours.” She turned from him, but he continued. “For the next year, I’ll pay the utilities, taxes, and insurance, or longer.” Sighing, he added, “I’ll always pay them if you need me to. That way, you can take your time and find the right job. You won’t have to rush into anything rashly. You can…”

  Standing abruptly, she insisted, “Just stop! I can’t accept it. But thank you for offering.”

  She turned as if to walk toward the house, but John quickly grabbed her wrist to prevent her from leaving. “Chelsea?”

  Without turning toward him, she told him, “I’m going home after I graduate. I won’t need the condo.”

  Pulling her back to sit down, he asked, “When did you decide this?” That was such a big decision, how could she have not told him? Usually, she shared everything with him, or at least he thought she did.

  Chelsea was near tears but held them back with all her might. “When I was sitting with your mom snapping green beans. I knew then. I don’t belong in L.A. I never have.”

  He was quiet for a moment, considering the fact that, not only would they be apart, she’d be hundreds of miles away. What a harsh and agonizing reality. She would go home and begin a new life without him, while he would be left alone again. Being with her was the first time he wasn’t alone in over a decade. He couldn’t recall ever feeling so connected to Tracy. She was never a true part of him. That was what he felt with Chelsea, as if she were the missing piece of him that he never knew was missing. A sudden and painful tightness gripped his chest. Letting her go would mean losing part of himself.

  Finally, stammering, he assured her, “Well, the condo is yours. Do with it what you want.” So totally surprised by the turn the conversation had taken, he wasn’t sure what else to say. Obviously he’d picked the wrong moment to tell her, and by the look on her face, he realized he had hurt her. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

  Without responding, Chelsea stood again and began to walk toward the house. Immediately he was up and following her. Catching up with her, he grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her gently back to him. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he begged, “Please, don’t walk away angry. Stay and talk to me. I’m sorry I brought this up now. I wish I could take it back.”


  Quietly, she stood there. He had rested his chin on her shoulder, and all she could hear was the steady sound of his breathing near her ear. It was hypnotic. Desperate to think of anything but the truth, she focused instead on the rhythm of his breathing. Finally, though, the inevitable realization came, and along with it a sinking, empty feeling. With his offer of the condo, she knew, he was already setting the stage for the end, trying to prepare her. “You have no intention of changing your mind, do you?”

  Filled with regret over the position he was in and guilt that he’d allowed it in the first place, he whispered, “No, Chelsea, I don’t.”

  At his honestly, she began to cry, and with her tears came this building up of anger. When he spun her around and tried to draw her into his arms for comfort, she pulled away from him, asking, “Was this your plan all along? To make me love you?”

  The way she fought to be free of him, John was taken completely off guard. But it was the insinuation of her questions that shocked him even more. “Of course not. I never expected this.”

  “How could you not?” Her voice growing louder, she accused, “You did everything right. Each and every single move you made was just what it took to make me love you, like it was calculated.” Her voice becoming a quieter accusation, she whispered, “You treated me as if I were what mattered most to you. You gave me everything. You said the right things. You knew!” She stopped abruptly, at first unable to say such a thing aloud, but then decided to voice her suspicions anyway. Crying even harder, she said, “That’s why you needed the contract. You’ve done this before. You knew to protect yourself.” Slamming her fist into his chest, she demanded, “Does it make you feel good enough when someone falls in love with you and you destroy them?”

  John stood there, dazed by her accusations. He knew it was her heartbreak talking, so he could hardly be offended. If anything, he was hurt that she could know him so little, but it was her final question that caused him to wince in pain. When she was finally quiet, he asked, “Do you really think that?”

  Chelsea could see how wounded he was by her words. In Montana, he shared something deeply personal with her, something she imagined he’d told no one else, and she used it against him. Shaking her head slowly, she sniffed, “No.” Suddenly, she didn’t know what she believed. All she knew was that she ached so desperately inside that she felt as if her chest would collapse. She bowed her head, wondering how he could consider walking away after all they’d come to mean to each other?

  Gently, he took her face in his hands and lifted her head. Leaning in closer, he assured her, “Chelsea, baby, there was no one before you. I haven’t been in a real relationship in over a decade.” He sighed. “I thought this would be a simple arrangement. Up until a few months ago, I thought we could have some fun together and then go our separate ways. I never saw this coming, for you or for me.” Rather than have her believe him to be so heartless, he knew he had to tell her the truth. “Until you, I’ve never loved a woman, not one. It’s because I love you that I’ll walk away. You deserve to be with someone your own age, someone you can grow old with. That’s not me.”

  It was the first time he told her he loved her, a bitter-sweet moment. Sadly, she knew him well enough to be certain he meant what he said. Always, he planned to walk away. Falling into his chest, she wrapped her arms around his waist and sighed heavily, her chest feeling even more hollow and empty. “But I love you, too. How can we not be together?”

  As he gathered her into his arms, he rubbed her back softly and pled, “Please don’t hate me.”

  “I wish I could.” That wasn’t at all true.

  For the longest time, they simply stood out in the cold and held on to one another. It was the saddest moment Chelsea had known up until that point and time, a foreshadowing of what was to come. She didn’t regret knowing him; she would never feel that way, but she was beginning to regret hoping. Hope had only let her down.

  He walked with her to her room. At her door, he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, lingering near her ear. “I’m sorry I ruined our Christmas Eve. I never saw it going that way.”

  “I don’t know how it could go any other way.” With that, and without looking at him again, she turned and went into her room.

  A little before five on Christmas morning, John sat in a club chair beside the tree, still shaken by what transpired the night before. Everyone else was sleeping. Earlier he had turned the tree lights on and brought down the gifts he’d gotten for Chelsea’s family. Since he never went to sleep, he decided to get things ready early. He was warned to expect the little kids to be up by six at the latest. After the night he spent dwelling on their conversation, he could hardly muster up any excitement over the day to come. Knowing how she would look at him, John almost dreaded the moment Chelsea would come downstairs. Already in his mind, he could see the sadness in her eyes. At the thought of what was ahead of them, he could hardly recall having a more deeply sorrowful feeling in his life, Tracy’s death included.

  Having slept but a few hours, Chelsea was up and making her way downstairs to the living room. When she found John sitting in the chair, she walked immediately over to him, climbed into his lap, and buried her face in his neck. He sighed heavily as she did so. The feel of his arms around her, the way he drew her into him made the pain recede, if only for a moment. Since waking, her only thought was of being wrapped up in him. It would be their only Christmas together, their only time to sit by a tree with a fire crackling nearby. As many times as she tried to push the thought away, since their conversation the night before, it was constantly on her mind. She refused to miss out on even one moment with him, no matter how hurt she was.

  As if holding a wounded child, John cuddled her into his lap and kissed her forehead. She was sitting there quietly, calmer than the night before, but clearly upset. Wearing her Christmas pajamas, he was reminded of her youth and how vulnerable and innocent she truly was. Early into their relationship, he felt as if her youth breathed new life into him, but there in that quiet moment, it seemed to be drawing his breath from his chest, hardly allowing him to inhale.

  Just before she slipped out of bed, Chelsea thought about when John left for New York. He was trying to put distance between them then, and she feared he would do the same thing this time. As she thought of the things he said about her deserving to be with someone her own age, she knew he was struggling with his decision and how hurt he was by their circumstance. For whatever reason, even with the absurdity of it all, she knew he truly loved her and wanted to do what he thought was best for her. But he was wrong, and she would never believe otherwise. To argue with him, though, would be pointless; she saw the resolve in his eyes. What mattered most to her at that moment was that she not lose him so soon. As long as they were together, God could change his mind. It was her only hope of ever being with him forever. Lifting her head, she stared into his eyes, certain he was in as much pain as she was. Tracing her fingers along the course stubble of his chin, she watched as his lips slowly formed into a sad smile. “Please don’t pull away like you did before. You promised me the year.”

  Those were her exact words in the hospital, that he promised her the year. Just as then, he felt the same desperate sense of fear over living life without her. Lowering his head, burying his face into the curve of her neck, he once again assured her, “I’m not going anywhere.” Truthfully, this time he never considered it. Without question, if she wanted out, he would let her walk away with anything she wanted. As for him, he would hold on until that very last moment when he had to let her go. The love he felt for her was so deeply penetrating, it felt more like a wound than love. When he said he’d never loved another, it was true. Certainly, he loved his parents, but there was no one else, not even Tracy. They had enough in common that they made sense, but to him then, love was a rather impractical notion, one he never knew could matter to him. It did matter though. Chelsea mattered to him most. That was one of her accusations from the night before, that he treat
ed her as if she mattered most, and she was correct. As much as he dreaded that moment when they would part, he knew it was what he must do for her. He had reminded himself of that every day since Thanksgiving.

  Just before six, they heard the sounds of little feet trampling down the stairway. Excited and giggling, the kids were eager to get to their gifts. It was then that Chelsea noticed the increase in gifts around the tree. After the kids went to bed, the adults sat out their presents. Now, though, there were many more.

  “Where did all those gifts come from?”

  “I did the best I could based on ages. Irene helped me.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  Grinning at her, he reminder her, “I thought we covered that.”

  She smiled in return. “We did,” on their first date when he offered to check on her car. Although that night was only eight months ago, somehow it felt longer, as if she’d been with him for years. There was this deep and binding connection they shared, as if they’d known one another all of their lives. Paradoxically, their time together had flown by and would soon be over.

  Though the room became a circus within the next few minutes, she made no move to get up when everyone entered, no matter the look her father gave them. Instead, she stayed snuggled in the chair with John and watched while the kids tore into their gifts. As sad as she felt, she was determined to enjoy every minute with him and just as determined that he enjoy his Christmas. If it were over in the spring, she wanted to have good memories to look back on, and she wanted him to have the same. It was her hope that he never have a reason to regret being with her, certainly she had no regrets. Without question, John was the best part of her short life, and somehow she knew she was the best part of his more than short life. Grinning at the thought, she leaned in and kissed his cheek.