On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20)

by Lisa Heaton

  “It makes a great deal of sense.” On their first date she said those exact words, “Life is short, eat dessert first.” Who would have ever suspected those words would be the ones to bring him to his senses? Over the past months, his certainty was that Chelsea would find someone else. To him it seemed inevitable. Never had he considered her future the way Tuck did. What if, because he’d so hurt her, she never allowed anyone close enough again? What if she ended up alone, or worse, with someone she didn’t love or who didn’t love her the way he did?

  After a few minutes more, Tuck was gone, leaving John time to ponder the things he’d said. What stuck with him most was the phrase, “if you give her the choice.” It reminded him of what his dad had said about taking away her voice. He’d done both of those things, stripped her of the choice and allowed her no say in the matter. In the past months, he found he regretted that the most.

  For the remainder of the afternoon, he sat with those thoughts, until finally he left the office and headed for home. Mark had grown accustomed to him spending less time at work. As a matter of fact, Mark encouraged it. Always he was willing to step in and earn his title, but John had taken such control that Mark never felt quite as capable. He trusted Mark to maintain what he’d built since it meant so little anymore. If a few things were overlooked, life would go on. The business would survive it. Some weeks, between his work at the Harvest House and his time at church, John barely put in a forty-hour week. Since graduating college, he’d never put in less than fifty to sixty hours a week, other than when Tracy died.

  It was Wednesday night, and once he left the office, he went by the condo to pack a bag and then to the airport. Within two hours, he was driving along his parents’ driveway. Knowing they would be at church, he went into the house and immediately up to Chelsea’s room, glad to be alone with her memory. Sitting on the side of the bed, he began to pray, deliberating, asking if he might ever be good enough for her. All he could wonder was what it might take to deserve her. His dad said godliness. Maybe that was it. Whatever the answer, whatever the investment, he was willing to make it.

  In the past few months, his life had altered so drastically that he truly felt that sense of being that new creation in Christ he’d read about. What used to drive him, that desire to be better, no longer had the same hold on him. It was just before Christmas when he felt the Lord dealing with him strongly on the matter. The original need to feel good enough eventually began to take on an entirely different dimension in his heart. Over the years, John went from wanting to feel good enough to needing to feel better. He worked longer hours so that he was the best at what he did. Every moment for him was another opportunity to make another dollar so that he would know he was better. Eventually, he bought his own hype. He felt better, better than his dad, than Mark, better than the guys who went home early, better than the poor slobs who settled for less because they didn’t have what it took to pursue more. That left him fifty years old and alone, with the exception of two aging parents. For that matter, parents who had always had enough because they had each other. Everyone around him was smart enough to see it. How had he missed it?

  “Not only am I not better, I’m not nearly as well off, Lord.” John thought of his parents’ marriage and Mark and Karen’s. He could have never had that kind of marriage with Tracy. She was so much like him that together they were still two individuals pulling in two separate directions. But with Chelsea, he could offer her what his dad offered his mom and what Mark offered Karen, simple, devoted love. And he knew for Chelsea that would be enough. The more he learned about loving God, the more he learned about the love he had to give Chelsea.

  Louise stepped quietly into the room and moved to sit beside John on the bed. Patting his leg, she said, “We’re glad you’re home so soon.”

  John leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “She was praying to let me go, not to keep me. That was the business she was doing.”

  Louise merely nodded.

  “She deserved better.” Hearing his own words made the reality of his suspicion so much more clear.

  Nodding again, Louise felt a lump form in her throat. “I told her so. Until then, she was too love struck to see it.”

  Looking at his mother, surprised to hear such words come from a woman who usually thought he could do no wrong, he asked, “You told her?”

  “I had no choice, John.” Louise’s eyes filled with tears. “As much as I love you, I knew you couldn’t be what she needed.”

  Deflated, he sighed. “You were right.” After Tuck’s visit, John was considering going to see Chelsea. After hours of deliberation, he’d decided that she should be able to choose, and whatever that choice might be, John was willing to comply with it. If she said she was done waiting, he would understand. If she would give him another chance, he wanted to marry her.

  Rubbing her hand along his back, she exhaled softly. “Yes, I was right.”

  Easily enough, his mind was changed by his mother’s own admission. All along, he’d done the right thing, even she thought so. “I know I have to let her go now, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out how. I just keep holding on.”

  “Son, tell me what you know of the Lord.”

  It wasn’t a question he expected. Stammering for a moment, he said, “I know He loves me, but I missed it all these years. I know I’m learning to love Him more and more every day. I know He’s enough, and even though I feel like I’m dying without her, I believe somehow, someday God’ll pick up the pieces. I don’t know how I know all that. I just do.”

  He was about to continue on, but Louise interrupted before he could. “Do you think you can be a godly husband to her now?”

  “If I can just be like dad I can be. I’ve seen him put God first. That’s what I would do. I know that’s what she would want. No matter what, I would never put work ahead of her again. I would…” He trailed off. Looking away, he sighed heavily. “I don’t know if any of that matters now.”

  “Chelsea knew that as long as you were with her, you’d never turn to God. That was the business she was conducting right here in this very room.” Louise patted John’s leg again. “She was willing to give you to God first and hope that someday you’d choose Him.” Tearing up, for a moment, she could hardly finish. Finally, she choked out, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen as great a sacrifice. Well, maybe yours. That was something pretty amazing if you ask me.”

  Baffled, he asked, “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve never seen you love sacrificially before her. I know you did what you thought was best for her, and for that season, you were right. Now, I think you can be the husband she needs. If she were here, I’d vouch for you.” Louise had watched the transformation occurring in John. Though he didn’t open up to her as much as he did his father, Claude recounted many of their conversations to her. Over the past months, John had begun selling off the land around their ranch and many of the homes he had scattered about the country. Each and every tangible thing he let go of, she was pretty sure he was grasping a little tighter to God instead. There was a new peace about him when he was home, even while he was hurting so desperately over Chelsea. For the first time since he was a young man, she was certain that he was encountering God. Her prayers had been many, and finally, they were being answered. The Lord was never late.

  Humbled, feeling he didn’t quite deserve her willingness to vouch for him, he admitted, “I know I’m not where I need to be with God, but I’m at least heading in the right direction. And no matter what happens, I’ll keep pursuing Him. I’m not exactly sure how much time it takes to get there, to be godly, or if there is some point at which I will know I am. But I do know this, I can’t imagine any other man loving her the way I do. What if no one ever does? That won’t be fair to her either. What if I’ve pushed her away and she never gets dessert?”

  Louise arched one eyebrow. “Dessert?”

  John tried to tell her Tuck’s philosophy but could hardly do Tuck’s argume
nt justice. His mind was suddenly whirling with the possibility of seeing Chelsea again, even the thought of looking into her brown eyes, of kissing her, and wrapping his arms around her caused his breathing to become quite shallow. John’s mind came to a screeching halt as the thought struck him, “What if I’m too late?”

  “Well then, I suppose that’s God’s will for you both, to live life apart.”

  If it was too late, he’d find a way to go on. At the rate he was going, it would take him years to get over her. Somehow though, he would go on. But if he didn’t at least try to get her back, he would spend the remainder of his life wondering.

  Less than a day later, John was driving in his rental car toward Chelsea’s parents’ place. The entire way, he told himself over and over that this was the right way to try to reenter Chelsea’s life. Without her father’s blessing, he would not even attempt it. Somehow, he just knew that was the way it should be. When he knocked and Gail answered the door, John hesitated for a moment before finally asking, “Hi Gail. Is Bob around?”

  Gail was standing in the doorway, struck speechless. Her heart was pounding in excitement. Since Thanksgiving, she had kept her word and often prayed that John would come for Chelsea. By the sheepish expression on his face, that was exactly why he was there. Along with a sure sense of apprehension, Gail also noticed a glimmer in John’s hazel eyes. He was nearly glowing with excitement, all in anticipation of seeing her daughter.

  Different than his casual dress during the holidays the previous year, he wore a suit that must have cost thousands of dollars. It was dark and he wore a white shirt beneath his jacket. There was a level of sophistication about him that was what must certainly have attracted Chelsea to him in the first place.

  “He’s around back in the garage.” She nearly giggled realizing her son-in-law-to-be was a few years older than her. But without doubt, that was what was about to happen. Tempted to call Chelsea, she knew better. She would allow the day to unfold.

  More than wanting to put off the inevitable task of speaking to Bob, John asked the one question that had plagued him for months. “So, how’s Chelsea?”

  “She’s been better.”

  Sighing heavily, tucking his hands in his pants pockets and wishing he would have done things differently, John promised, “I’ll never hurt her again.”

  “I believe that, John.” And she did.

  Finding Bob working on an old Chevelle, John asked, “That a ’68?”

  Bob looked up for a split second then back to the wrench he was turning. “Yep.”

  Taking off his jacket, John tossed it over onto the workbench. Rolling up his sleeves, he said, “I had a buddy with one of these. I always wanted one.”

  For a time neither said much. John handed Bob whatever he needed when he asked for it. Focused on the motor of the old muscle car, both men postponed the conversation they knew was ahead. Finally finished with the last bolt, Bob chucked his wrench onto the bench and walked over to the old refrigerator. Grabbing them each a soda, he tossed one to John. “So?”

  “I want to be a part of Chelsea’s life.” John sat the can near his jacket. The look on Bob’s face gave nothing away. It was impossible to know what the man was thinking; he would make a great negotiator in a boardroom.

  “And you want my permission?”

  John thought about the word permission. Obviously, at Chelsea’s age, permission was not necessary. “No, not your permission exactly.” Blessing was not the right word either. “I guess what I want is your advice.”

  “My advice?” Bob glared at him. “Find a woman your own age. I’m sure you can buy one.” He knew how terribly ungrateful he sounded, when in truth, he’d never been more thankful than he was over what John had done for his family. With good reason, though, he was angry still, angry over how John had hurt Chelsea. Even when she said they broke it off, it was obvious that he broke it off. His little moonshine hadn’t been right since she returned from California. “I think you’ve hurt my daughter enough.”

  “I know, and I never meant to.”

  “But you did.” Crumpling his can, Bob tossed it into a bucket.

  “I thought I was doing what was best for her. I thought she deserved better, someone younger.”

  “If that’s true, then why are you coming ‘round now? You’re still old enough to be her father. Nothing’s changed as far as I can tell.”

  Beginning to lose his resolve, John leaned back against the grimy workbench and rubbed his chin. “I don’t know. Maybe it was a mistake.” Turning away, John sighed and closed his eyes. He could picture her big brown eyes and her sweet smile and it caused his heart to ache to see her and hold her again. Maybe this trip, this last ditch effort to win her back was nothing more than his typical selfishness. Nothing had changed, obviously he hadn’t. Looking back at Bob, John said, “I should go.”

  “See, even now you don’t seem so committed.” Seeing the uncertainty in John’s eyes, Bob found he felt a little sorry for the guy. When they were all together at Christmas, Bob was certain he’d never seen two people more in love. Maybe that was why he was so surprised and angry when he heard they split up. While he never mentioned it to anyone, Gail included, he’d gotten accustomed to the idea of Chelsea with John. For a time, he thought John would take care of Chelsea, not hurt her the way he did.

  “I am committed. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I’m just afraid that what I want is clouding my judgment over what’s best for her.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to marry her. As crazy and as selfish as that sounds, I really believe I can give her a good life.” Smiling wryly, he added, “I don’t mean money either. I mean love. I’ll love her every second of the time I have left. Nothing will come before her in my life but God. I admit, I’m just learning that.” John had an entire list of promises, but he stopped when he saw the look on Bob’s face. He seemed perplexed. The look wasn’t his usual glaring disapproval, but rather confusion.

  “Bob, I’m here to ask if you think it would be better for Chelsea if I just stay out of her life. If you think that’s what’s best for her, I’ll leave here and never come back. It’s because I love her that I honestly don’t trust myself to make this decision. I need you, the one man who’ll look after her best interest. I know you’ll do that. Tell me what to do. Will I really ruin her life if I marry her?”

  Bob’s heart sank. He knew the answer to that question, and the answer was no. Marrying John would not ruin her life. If anything, he knew it would be the one thing that would end her suffering. When she and Tuck began spending time together, Bob secretly hoped they would marry someday, but it wasn’t long before he saw the unlikelihood of that. Chelsea no more loved Tuck than anything. It was obvious to him. And all throughout the holidays, he began to wonder if Chelsea would ever recover from being tangled up with John. Instead of getting over him, she seemed to be slipping deeper and deeper into a hole where no one could reach her. Since Christmas she seemed a little better, but still no sunshine, only moonshine.

  “Let me pray about it.” Looking at John, Bob found he was amazed that a man such as John was actually seeking his advice. The humility that took gave him a reason to admire John for the very first time. And it gave him all the more reason to believe his love for Chelsea was sincere. Without question, having John back in Chelsea’s life would change everything, and, as a dad he had to suspect, not necessarily in a good way for him.

  John had given Bob his number and for the past twenty-four hours had been awaiting his call. To be cautious, he’d taken a room in Tulsa. He didn’t want to risk running into her there, just in case her father advised him to walk away. What he said to her father, he meant. If Bob truly believed that Chelsea would be better off without him in her life, John would respect his decision. His love for her ran so deep that his only thought was of being with her. How could he make a selfless decision amidst such tremendous need for her?

  The sight of his phone vibrating an
d scooting across the table caused John to jump. Reaching for it, he answered, “Hello.”

  “I’m here in Tulsa.”

  Agreeing to meet in a café near John’s hotel, John arrived first and sat at a booth waiting. While he waited, his mind was flooded with memories of Chelsea the night of the gallery opening. She sat across from him barefoot, in a similar booth. That was the night she told him of her mission trip and the change in her the trip elicited. Then, such outreach barely made sense to him, at least not as it currently did. In the past months he’d discovered that there was hardly anything better than reaching out and giving others a hand up. The years before, he gave tremendous amounts of money to help others, but never was it from his heart. If anything, it was out of a sense of to whom much is given much is required. While he lived by a Biblical principle, it was more of an obligation than heart driven.

  Bob slid into the booth across from John. He’d taken John’s request for advice seriously, and just as he said he would, he prayed about it. All throughout the night he prayed. Gail gave her input, which he agreed with and found the same answer through prayer.

  “So you are willing to walk away if I say so?”

  John’s heart plummeted. Even while he knew Bob was unlikely to give his approval to step back into Chelsea’s life, somewhere deep inside he held onto a grain of irrational hope. “If that’s what you think is best for her, without blinking an eye.”

  Bob’s coffee arrived, and for a moment, he paused to doctor it. Adding more sugar than Gail would ever approve of, he then lifted the cup to his lips and tentatively sipped on the steaming hot coffee. Glancing only once at John, seeing the obvious anxiety he was experiencing, Bob was more than convinced of his love for Chelsea. Wondering, he asked, “Will you take her back to L.A.?”