Last Winter's Snow

by Hans M Hirschi

  After dinner, Nilas suggested that he and Casper took a walk. They got dressed and left the house. It was six p.m., and the sun had set hours ago. But it had been an unusually sunny day—or a cloudless night, which was far more appropriate a description for the Sápmi days after the winter solstice—and it was bitterly cold, probably a good minus twenty degrees Fahrenheit. The snow crunched beneath their feet as they walked down the few steps toward the deep frozen lake. When they reached the end of the plowed path, they put on the snow shoes Nilas had brought and began to walk out onto the lake.

  Christmas Eve was really a huge family holiday and people stayed indoor unless they really had to, so there were almost no sounds to be heard, except an occasional car on the main road to Sorsele. They heard the cracking in the ice below them every now and then, dulled by the snow. When they were a few hundred feet away from the lake shore, Nilas stopped and looked up into the sky.

  The spectacle above him was something that he missed in Gothenburg: starry skies, with a limitless amount of stars, all clearly visible to the naked eye, and the Milky Way, with its slightly denser band of stars spanning from one side of the horizon to the other.

  “Look at this, babe. There is literally no light pollution up here. You can see more stars than you’ll ever see down south. Let me show you.” Nilas let himself fall backward, into the snow, where he lay perfectly still, looking up into the sky.

  Casper laughed and followed suit, making waving motions with his arms and legs, creating the image of an angel in the snow. For a while, the two men lay silently in the snow, simply looking up into the starry sky. On the horizon, a pale moon was making its appearance, baking the entire surrounding landscape in a pale whitish light.

  “I’ve always been fascinated by how much more light there is up here compared to the south,” Casper observed. “Without the snow, the land absorbs what little light there is at night, making it much darker than it is here. It’s beautiful.”

  They fell silent again, until, suddenly, Nilas sat up, looking to the north, the distant mountain range, on the other side of the lake. “Babe, look, Northern Lights…”

  Nilas’s eyes watered at the majestic sight of the aurora borealis appearing in the sky to the north, very faintly at first, a ghostly green moving across the sky in shivering waves. After a while, the light became stronger, transforming into an intense, poisonous-looking emerald green, laced with layers of teal, turquoise, and jade, at times with accents of yellows and white.

  “Listen…” Nilas whispered, and it seemed as if the faintest of voices, like ghosts or the scraping of moving furniture sounded almost imperceptibly across the surface of the lake.

  “What’s that?” Casper asked.

  “I’m not sure, but I think those are electromagnetic waves from the Northern Lights. I read somewhere that the waves are turned audible by nearby power lines. Amazing, isn’t it?”

  They watched the lights and the stars for a while longer until they began to freeze, or Casper did, anyway. “I’m cold, Nilas. Can we head back to the house?”

  “In a minute, babe. There’s just one thing I have to do.”

  “What is that?” Casper asked. He stood and brushed the snow from his clothes.

  “This!” Nilas took off his gloves, took something from his parka pocket and knelt before Casper in the snow. “Casper, love of my life. I think there is no better place, no better time for me than right here, right now, as we celebrate love and family here in Ammarnäs under the Northern Lights. You’ve been my steadfast companion for twelve years now. In about a week, we have the legal right and possibility to get married, and I want the world to know that you are not just my boyfriend. You are more than just my lover, my partner, my roommate. I want the world to know that you and I, we are a team, a couple, for now and ever more. Therefore, I ask you, will you marry me?”

  Nilas carefully opened the small red box in his hands to reveal two plain, smooth golden rings. He reached up to Casper, whose hands shot up to cover his face as he began to cry, overwhelmed by the sudden and unexpected gesture.

  “Babe, my hands are freezing…” Nilas managed to say, teeth grinding from the cold.

  Casper took the little box from Nilas, who quickly put his gloves back on.

  “So, what do you say?”

  Casper threw his arms around Nilas’s neck in response, and the two men kissed right there, in the middle of Lake Gautsträsk.

  “I take it, that is a yes?” Nilas prompted as he came up for air.

  “Yes, beäjvviebájttuo, that is absolutely a yes. I knew you’d pop the question eventually. I just sort of expected it to happen on New Year’s Eve, not now. I love you!”

  “Månna iähtsáb duv! I love you, too.” Nilas smiled. “Let’s head back to the house for some hot chocolate and to tell Mom and Dad.”

  ***

  The family celebrated New Year’s Eve with friends from the town in the local hotel. Half the town had gathered there, to eat, drink, take leave of the old year, and welcome the promise of 1995. For many, the previous years had been difficult, as the economic crisis had hit Sweden very hard.

  The new year didn’t promise much relief, but each inhabitant of Ammarnäs had their own reason to look forward to a new year. Some had the hope of a new job; others looked forward to reaching their pension age; still others were looking forward to being allowed to finally get a driver’s license while the youngest were just thrilled they’d get to ride a moped.

  For Nilas and Casper, 1995 came with the promise that they would finally be able to get married, or at least enter a civil union, with all that would entail, legally. It was a big step for any couple—a huge step for the LGBT community.

  They had memorialized their engagement on Boxing Day, after having celebrated Christmas with Anna’s family and her two boys on Christmas Day. Nilas and Casper invited the family to a delicious dinner in the local restaurant, where the town was now gathered for the New Year’s Eve celebration. They hadn’t set a date yet, but were looking at a summer wedding.

  “Mom, Dad, you have to come to Gothenburg this summer. You haven’t seen the house since we completed the renovations, and I think we’ll try and get the ceremony done out on the islands.” Nilas was excited about the prospect.

  Here, in the safety of the small mountain town, Nilas had begun to publicly hold Casper’s hand, and he was doing that here, too, resting his hand on Casper’s, as they sat at a long table among friends and neighbors. He looked instinctively at Casper when he removed his hand. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I am. It’s just that it feels strange for me, you know, to hear you invite your family to come see us in Gothenburg again, when my own family have never even been to the house, nor even met you. I seriously doubt they’ll even come to the wedding.” Casper’s voice had no luster, and he seemed distressed.

  “Oh, babe, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I’ve been insensitive. I know how hard it is for you. I really do.” Nilas put his arm around Casper’s shoulder in an effort to console him. At times like this, it slipped his mind that Casper couldn’t have the same relationship with his parents and sister as Nilas shared with his.

  Anna, Nilas’s sister, spoke up. “Listen, Casper, you are as much my veällja as Nilas, as you are Mom and Dad’s son. You always have been. You are the kindest, gentlest, and sweetest person I’ve ever met. Even if your own family doesn’t see you for who you are, we do, all of us. I hope you understand that.”

  “Thank you, Anna. I really appreciate that. I know that I’m always welcome here, and I do see Ammarnäs and all of you as my home, and my family, too. It would still be nice, though, if my own flesh and blood saw things differently.” Casper’s words choked on his tears.

  “Have you spoken to them recently?” Inga asked. “Are they okay?”

  “Yes, they are. I called them Christmas Eve, before we went to church, just to make sure they were okay. I haven’t celebrated the holidays with them since 1982, just after Nilas and I met.
So they weren’t expecting me or anything. I try to speak to them regularly, but yeah, it is what it is. They just haven’t shown any interest in being a part of any aspect of my life, not since I told them about myself and Nilas.”

  “Son, I understand that is difficult for you,” Jon-Anders comforted. “You are a good man, with a big heart. You try to do right by your parents, and I respect you for that. But remember this. Parents don’t own their children. We merely get to spend some time with you, help you prepare for life. We have to respect our children as much as we can, and hope they will respect us. But that respect needs to be earned. It’s not a given. As parents, we have no right to tell our children how to live their lives, because it’s not our life to live. We can guide, counsel, advise, never expect. You are a fine young man, and I am very proud to call you my son-in-law.”

  Jon-Anders raised his glass and proposed a toast. “To Casper, a fine addition to our family, just as Anders was!” They all raised their glasses and toasted before taking a sip.

  “To all our children, and grandkids!” Inga said, looking at Anna, Nilas, and her two grandsons. “You make us very proud!”

  Under the table, Nilas grabbed Casper’s hand and squeezed it tightly. He turned to him and whispered in his ear, “I love you, babe!” Then he raised his glass and said loudly, “To love, in whatever shape it comes to us…”

  * * * * *

  1995

  Do You Take…

  It was a beautiful and sunny day in early July when Nilas and Casper got married, or entered their “registered partnership,” as the law decreed. They had found a registrar, an amazing old man, who, despite his eighty-plus years, had welcomed the new law and was thrilled to be able to officiate the ceremony for the two young men. He’d even invited them to his house, where he’d grilled them about the sanctity of the institution they were about to enter, and whether they were truly committed to one another and fully understood what it meant to get married.

  “Now, I understand that for now, the state is calling this a registered partnership. But we all know that this is marriage we are talking about, nothing less. And in time, I am convinced that you will be able to call it marriage, too. Society at large just needs to be given some time to catch up, to understand that we, as a people, need to evolve, and that there is no danger emanating from two men or two women loving each other. None at all.” From behind his large old wooden desk, he spoke slowly and gravely, while Nilas and Casper sat in front of him, holding hands, like children called to the principal’s office.

  Nilas was nervous, and not quite comfortable with the questioning he had been subjected to, but as they left the old man’s house and walked home, he felt good. For the first time, he felt the impact of what it meant to get married, and the reality of the decision they’d made began to sink in.

  “This is really happening,” he said giddily. “Are you still sure you want to do this? The registrar had some really good points to make about the sacrifices that marriage constitutes.”

  “Of course I do!” Casper said, louder than necessary. “Listen, Nilas, we’ve been living as if we were married for over a decade. Just because we don’t own a piece of paper that says so doesn’t mean we haven’t been there for each other already, for better or worse. Remember how you gave up your job, your career, to come to Gothenburg with me? Remember the assault? How you were walking on crutches for weeks, and how I had to not only do my job but also look after the house, the garden, and you? To me, that is what marriage vows are really about. To do things together, as one, a couple. Giving, receiving, compromising.”

  “Yeah, but this will make it official.”

  Casper laughed. “Well, isn’t that what we want?”

  “I do, I really do. I want to be able to hold your hand walking down Avenyn, I want to be able to kiss you outside the train when you go away or when you come back, without shame or risk of being beaten to a pulp.”

  “Oh, beäjvviebájttuo, then let’s not talk about this anymore. I want nothing else, either,” Casper said and took Nilas’s hand in his.

  ***

  Now, they were standing in the middle of Carlsten Fortress, a prominent feature on the island of Marstrand, an hour’s drive north of Gothenburg. Nilas and Casper had invited friends from work; Clara and Ingrid had joined them from Stockholm, and Nilas’s entire family, including uncle Lars-Sjul, had joined them, too. A good sixty people had gathered in the fortress’s courtyard to witness the joining.

  The registrar was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and a dark-gray tie, making him look like a minister, while Casper was wearing a dark-gray suit. Nilas had chosen to invest in a new Sami formal garb for the occasion. His parents, sister, and uncle were also wearing their traditional garments to celebrate the occasion. A reporter from the local newspaper was standing in the background, taking pictures. Gay partnerships were still quite unusual, and within the Sami community, they were pretty much unheard of. There was considerable “public interest,” the reporter had claimed when he’d heard about their wedding preparations through friends of friends.

  The registrar raised his hands to quiet down the conversations taking place before him.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, dear grooms. We are gathered here today to join Nilas and Casper to each other. Now the state insists we call this a ‘registered partnership,’ and that is what we shall call it, regardless of how we may feel about this.”

  He looked severely into the crowd gathered before him, then continued. “But what we really are here for today is this: love. The love between two human beings, Casper and Nilas. I’ve had the privilege to get to know these two amazing young men a little, and they convinced me not only of their love, but also of their mutual respect, their dedication to one another, and their serious intent.

  “I therefore see no reason to lecture either of you, nor your attending family and friends, about the step you’re about to take. Quite the contrary, you could serve as role models for a great many young couples out there who step into marriage without thinking twice about what it actually means. For you, marriage is not a given right. It is not a tradition to merely follow blindly. You had to fight for this, you had to work hard, and you’ve earned it, quite rightly so. It is therefore my great privilege and honor to perform this ceremony.”

  The registrar slowly looked around the gathered group of people to give his words the appropriate weight.

  Nilas couldn’t see them, as they stood behind him. He heard, however, that his mother was crying softly.

  The registrar continued: “Do you, Nilas Jonsson of Ammarnäs in Sorsele commune, take this man, Casper Algotsson from Götene commune, to be your registered partner, in sickness and in health?” The registrar was uncommonly solemn as he spoke the words that would finally marry Nilas to Casper.

  “I do.” Nilas’s voice trembled as he uttered those two small but vital words.

  The registrar smiled and turned to Casper. “And do you, Casper, take Nilas to be your registered partner? To love and to hold, in sickness and in health?”

  Casper turned and looked at Nilas and fired off one of his trademark smiles, dimples so deep it almost made Nilas’s knees buckle. “I do!”

  The registrar observed the two men before him and then gazed past them, to the congregation. “Nilas and Casper have prepared a few words for each other. Nilas, would you like to go first?”

  Nilas nodded and reached for a pocket, withdrawing a small piece of paper on which he’d jotted down his thoughts. Slowly, he turned to face Casper and looked him in the eyes. He didn’t need the notes, really. It was more of a safety thing, just in case he forgot what he was going to say due to nerves. But as he looked at Casper, the man he’d been with for thirteen years, he needed no notes to remind him of what he wanted to say.

  “Casper, you are the midnight sun of my summers, and you are the pole star of my winters. You are my constant companion, the gravitational center of my life. I’ll never forget that day we met, how you made you
r way to my table to talk to me. Ever since then, we’ve been together, a couple. We’ve seen good days, and we’ve seen difficult ones. Finally, we can get married. While this is an important step in our lives, to share with our families, you have been my mate for better or worse since that first day, and I look forward to walking by your side until the day we die. I love you!”

  Tears rolled down Casper’s cheeks, and he grasped Nilas’s hands as he began to speak.

  “I, too, remember that day, thirteen years ago. How you were sitting there, all alone in that bar, nursing your beer. Your dark eyes, so beautifully shaped, your handsome face. I was drawn to you almost magically. I’ve never once regretted those steps, crossing the distance to your table, even though it took me every last ounce of courage to do so. I just had no choice. It was destiny. You are the rock of my life, my foundation, my guide through life, and my very best friend. I look forward to the rest of our days together, until death do us part. As we take our first steps as a married couple today, I’m proud to do so in the company of our friends and family. I love you!”

  There was a tinge of bitterness in those last words, as Casper’s parents and his sister had quickly announced they would not attend the wedding, feeling that marriage wasn’t something that two men—or two women, for that matter—should be allowed to enter. Not even a change of the law of the land had been able to convince them otherwise. Casper had decided, there and then, early in January, when he’d called them to tell them about his engagement, that it would probably be better to cease contact with his parents. It had become too painful.

  The registrar continued, “Thank you for those words. It is clear how much you two love each other, and I am very happy that our society has come to finally recognize and welcome your love. Therefore, it is my great privilege and honor to pronounce you registered partners in the name of the law.” He turned around to the table behind him, tastefully decorated with a candelabra and a vase with some summer flowers, serving as a sort of makeshift altar. He picked up an envelope and turned back to Nilas and Casper. “In here is your certificate. It is the state’s official recognition of your union.” To the guests, he said, “Please welcome this couple, Nilas and Casper Jonsson, into your midst and enjoy the rest of your day. I wish you all the very best for the future.”