Murder and Mischief in the Hamptons

by T. L. Ingham

Chapter Five

  The house was an absolute shambles. Every cabinet in the kitchen was hanging open, dishes were everywhere, sofa pillows were torn to shreds and the stuffing flung about. Two chairs were overturned, as was the coffee table. Everywhere I looked was complete, unadulterated destruction. Considering what I was facing now, I was terrified to check the bedrooms.

  My sketch book!

  I raced into the guest bedroom and found the room destroyed as much as the living area had been, with the exception that this destruction was far more costly. My oil paints had been spattered everywhere- the floor, the walls, the furniture and all the blank canvases. Not to mention the one I had currently been working on, which thankfully had only the sketch of the still life.

  I scrounged through the mess, flinging the torn bedspread and pillows aside, digging through blankets and canvases and papers, and finally found my sketchbook- saints be praised!- unscathed. With that under my arm, I marched down the driveway, heading to the main house. Pia was going to have to see this. Luckily, Pia's husband Bernard was out of town (as he usually was).

  Pia was stunned and distressed by the sight of the devastation, less so than Gloria, who only said, "Man, when you throw a party, you really throw a party!"

  Naturally, Pia couldn't hear Gloria's snide remark and, used as she was to my speaking to ghosts in her presence, completely ignored my less than eloquent remark as she continued placing a call to Olivia. Pia insisted that Olivia come right over to perform another cleansing, though, for the life of me, I couldn't help but to wonder what good that might do. Olivia had obviously failed the first time.

  While we waited for Olivia, I explained the incident with the vase, to which Pia paled. "You should have told me right away! We might have avoided this."

  "I'm sorry. It wasn't like I could address it in front of my mother and Jase, and since then, well I just kind of forgot. I meant to tell you today, but things were so hectic at the gallery that it slipped my mind."

  At that moment Alex popped in. "When she does a job, she really does a job, eh?"

  "It's about time you showed up!" I was annoyed at him. Really annoyed.

  Pia looked around her with wide, startled eyes. "It's not that one is it?" she whispered. ('Cause everyone knows ghosts can't hear you if you whisper.)

  "No, Pia, it's not that one. It’s the other one. The lying, conniving, annoying one."

  "Hey!" This came from both ghosts.

  I pointed at Alex and said to Gloria, "I meant him."

  "Well, I should certainly hope so," she huffed. "I'm not the gigolo that caused all this ruckus!"

  "Hey!" Again from Alex.

  "Don't waste my time acting all put out! Just tell me what the hell is going on here, Alex? What's up with Cecilia and why is she doing this to me?"

  "I told you I needed you to help me get rid of her. Didn’t I tell you she would be trouble?"

  "That's not exactly what you said, no. What you said was, and I quote, 'You have to help me find my murderer, or else I'll be forced to haunt you forever!' So, did Cecilia really murder you, or is that just another one of your stories?"

  "It depends on how you look at it. She murdered the essential part of me; the dreamer, the idealist, the visionary that was me."

  "Don’t give me all that fantasy garbage. Tell me the truth. I want the cold, hard facts. Did Cecilia, or did she not, murder you? Not your 'essence,' but your actually living, breathing, being?"

  For an answer, Alex disappeared.

  "Great," I sighed. Turning to Gloria, I said, "I don't suppose you have any idea what this is about?"

  "Not really. You know Alex, he wouldn't know how to tell the truth if the words were falling out of his mouth. And Cecilia, well, let's just say that one's another story entirely. She's one bad-ass banshee."

  "Obviously."

  Olivia showed up then, her deceased husband Jean-Luc by her side as usual, and taking one look about her she said, "This is some serious mishegaas. What you've got here is a poltergeist."

  "I had that figured out," I told her. "What I want to know is, can you get rid of her?"

  "Dear, that is not how you ask a friend for a favor," Pia admonished.

  Olivia puffed up her already enormous chest. "Well, of course I can. What kind of medium do you think I am?"

  That was debatable, but I said nothing.

  "Mediocre at best." Obviously Gloria had no such qualms.

  "Do you hear that buzzing?" Olivia asked.

  "Gloria's here," I told her.

  "That figures," Olivia scowled. There was no love lost between Olivia and Gloria, primarily due to the fact that Gloria had been conducting an illicit affair with Olivia's husband at the time of their mutual deaths. Needless to say, Olivia had avoided speaking to Gloria ever since, and while for the most part Olivia heard a buzzing noise whenever ghosts were about, she really had to concentrate to hear what they were saying. She was not about to waste that effort on her longtime enemy. "I don't suppose I can get rid of the other one while I'm at it?" Olivia asked Pia.

  "We've had this discussion before, Olivia. The answer is still the same."

  "I should charge you extra for the inconvenience," Olivia grumped.

  "Wait? What? I'm being charged for this service? This highly questionable, hey-it-probably-won't-work-any-better-than-it-did-last-time service?"

  "I'm beginning to like you a little bit more," said Gloria while Olivia frowned at me, wrinkling the butterfly-tape stitches lined in a neat row on her forehead over one eye. Not long ago Olivia had been clobbered in the face with a wine glass by a very irate and slightly insane artist.

  "How's your head by the way?" I added. "Are you sure you're up to snuff?"

  "Probably no more addle-pated than she was before," Gloria observed. Jean-Luc scowled at her. Gloria stuck her tongue out at him. Jean-Luc performed a less elegant, but just as silent insult. So nice to know the ghosts surrounding me were so eager to descend into adolescent behavior.

  "Knock it off," I told them both.

  Olivia's frown deepened.

  "They were acting like fools," I explained.

  "Any disapproval you sense coming from me, stems more from your flippant attitude toward me, not the ghosts. And, my husband does not act the fool."

  "You didn't see what he just did," I muttered.

  "I think it's time for you to be quiet, dear," Pia interjected. "You're certainly not helping the situation. Naturally, Olivia, we will be paying you for your services. The same charge as the last time?"

  "You know, normally, I really like you," Olivia told me, "but today, not so much. I don't know, maybe you've been hanging around Gloria too long. She'd be a bad influence on anybody. Or maybe it's due to your recently having come out of a coma. It is a scientific fact that oftentimes people's personalities change as a result of illnesses of that extreme nature. Whatever it is, I'm giving you a pass today. But in the future, please try to behave more civilly, or expect a rapid end to our friendship." Turning to Pia, she said, "Yes, darling, as you know, I don't get my supplies for free. And I'm sure my time is worth something."

  I realized this last was said for my benefit as well, even if it was directed at Pia, and I must admit, I was feeling at least a little ashamed. Olivia really never had been anything but nice to me and she was right, I was acting more like Gloria than myself. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm not myself today."

  As if to prove the point, Gloria said, "True dat. I really liked you up until that last bit. Now I'm kind of gagging."

  Pushing her sleeves up to her elbows, no easy task since she had elbows the size of an elephant's knees, Olivia said, "First, we'll need to clean this place up."

  "What? I need a clean my house in order to 'clean' my house?"

  She frowned at me again. "That's how it works." I could see her husband peeking over her shoulder. He must either be floating or standing on his tiptoes. He was nodding his head vigorously.

  Alrighty then. Time to clean up.

 
We spent the next several hours doing exactly that, and got most everything back into place, with the exception of those things which had been destroyed and had to be thrown away. I couldn't fail but to notice that Olivia seemed eager to thin out my belongings, asking about each thing, "Are you certain you need this?"

  This coming from a woman who draped herself in unnecessary furs and heaps of gaudy jewels, was somewhat infuriating. After the tenth time asking the same question, I looked to see what she was holding, discovered that it was one of my bras, snatched the item in question from her and said, "Yes! I need that! I need everything that belongs to me!"

  "No need to get so huffy!" she retorted. "It's just that spiritual unrest is often attached to disorganization. If you have a lot of unnecessary clutter, it's very difficult to get rid of a malicious spirit."

  "She's not my ghost! She's Pia's ghost. She's not attached to my things; she's attached to the property."

  "Still, it can't hurt to have the place as clean as possible," Olivia insisted. Then looking around at the paint spattered walls and floor, (we had already thrown away the ruined comforter and blankets) she said, "I just wish I knew what to do about this. Normally, I would recommend repainting and re-carpeting before attempting the cleansing, but as we're in an emergency situation here, we hardly have the time for that."

  Personally, I thought she was just looking for an excuse as to why the cleansing wouldn't work, because the first time she had done it the place had been vacant. You can't get any cleaner than that.

  "We certainly don't have time for that," Pia agreed. "The best I can do is maybe put down a throw rug. I think I have an Oriental at the house that would fit this room."

  "No," Olivia shook her head, "that won't work. Cicily's a ghost."

  "Cecilia," I corrected, but Olivia ignored me and went on saying, "As a ghost, she's more aware of her surroundings than you or I are. You can't hide things from ghosts the way you can from people. This will have to do. But I strongly urge that you repair this room as soon as possible and then we'll repeat the process."

  "Alright." Obviously Pia was on board.

  "This is probably the best we can do given the circumstances. But don't be surprised if Cicily comes back."

  "Her name is Cecilia," I corrected again.

  "Whatever."

  "Don’t you think it's kind of important to get the name right if you want to banish her? I mean maybe that's how you missed her the last time. Using the wrong name?"

  Olivia folded her massive arms over her chest. "I simply cannot work this way, Reid! If you insist on being uncooperative, I'll have to ask you to leave, which could further damage the process. Since it is you who is being attacked, I need you here for the best results, but not if you're not willing to be open-minded."

  Now Pia frowned at me as well.

  "Stop that," I said, "or you'll need to move up your next Botox appointment."

  "Really, darling, what is with you?"

  I knew I was being exceptionally snappy, but honestly, I was coming off of a pretty rough time- hey, I'm the one who just came out of a coma here! Add to that coming home to find my house trashed and a good portion of my belongings destroyed- I was your clichéd not-so-happy camper.

  "I'm sorry. It’s been a little difficult lately," I defended myself. Halfheartedly.

  "We all understand that, darling," Pia gave me a squeeze. "But we are trying to help you. You just need to let us."

  "Absolutely," I nodded, determined to acquiesce. "You're right, of course."

  Okay, so this might not work, but since I really had no other alternatives, I figured I might as well get on board with what I had. All aboard the crazy train! Next stop, Delirium! At least with any luck… "Okay, now what?"

  Olivia began to unpack various items from her suitcase-sized purse. I watched as she pulled out a jug of distilled water, numerous candles, matches, incense, and a container of something that looked like salt. "I have everything I need, except the flowers."

  "Flowers?" I was clearly concerned. As I recalled, flowers were the last thing I wanted in this house. Especially bouquets nestled in crystal vases…

  "I was hardly likely to find a flower shop open at this hour, now was I?" Olivia grouched.

  "I have plenty in my garden," Pia offered, quickly avoiding another argument- hey, we were all a little testy- then hurried out to retrieve them.

  Meanwhile, I watched as Olivia mixed a concoction of what looked like salt and water, mumbling something about the blending of elements and pure water and pure salt and some other stuff I didn't catch, as she worked.

  "What's that for?" I asked.

  "It's a sacred prayer, so stop interrupting or it won't work. Keep yourself busy- and quiet- making a list of all those people and ghosts you would like to allow in and out of your home. And don't forget to include any pets."

  "And don't forget me, either," Gloria added.

  Olivia swatted her hand around her face, as if she were trying to remove a pesky fly. Which, I suppose, in a way she was.

  Since neither I nor Pia owned any pets, the latter wasn't really a concern; however, compiling a list of this magnitude wasn't easy. Just when I thought I had included everyone, I thought of someone else I had forgotten. Before long I had filled the page with names. When did I get to know so many people and ghosts?

  Pia returned with a bunch of fresh flowers from her garden. No vase, I was relieved to note.

  We followed Olivia from room to room, watching as she smeared the water and salt concoction on every wall, doorway and window in each room. She then poured a line of it across the front door and the sliding doors at the rear of the house while reciting the names on my list.

  "I think I saw this on Buffy once," I whispered to Pia, "but that was to keep the vampires out. She doesn't have any garlic in that bag does she?"

  After this, Olivia went back to each room and lit a candle and some incense within, telling me to let them burn all the way down until they went out on their own.

  Great, after the fire destroys the house, there won't be any place left for the ghosts to haunt. Problem solved.

  The last thing Olivia did was to lay the bundle of flowers in the center of the coffee table, utter some low prayer over it, and she was done.

  "That's it? Some candles and salt-water and we're all done? Really?"

  Olivia glared at me. "This is a traditional cleansing. I've performed the ritual for some years quite successfully."

  "Well, obviously it wasn't so successful the last time. Isn't there something else you can do? I mean seriously, break out the crosses and Holy water! Let's do a séance, or an exorcism! I want some action here. Better yet, bring on the Ghostbusters vacuum-thingy. Let's put this puppy in a containment unit!"

  "She's your friend, you deal with her," Olivia said to Pia before making her exit, Jean-Luc following close behind her, but somehow still shaking his finger at me in a very testy fashion.

  "I think you've insulted her," Pia told me.

  "I've insulted her? She wants me to sleep in a house haunted by a poltergeist under the protection of some candles and the Morton's umbrella! Somehow I don't think that's enough."

  "The good news is, I'm still here," Gloria interjected.

  Yeah. Fabulous.

  "Darling, give it time. This might work, and if not, you heard what Olivia said. I'll call the contractors tomorrow and have them come out and start on this room right away. I wanted to make some changes to it anyway. If you're going to use it as your studio, it needs to be set up properly. I was thinking of knocking out the walk-in closet to give you more room, and maybe adding some cabinets for storage and a few more windows for natural lighting. Also, changing the floor to something more paint friendly."

  Pia was talking interior design while I was concerned for my health and well-being.

  Still.

  I couldn't deny the excitement I felt at the thought of a proper art studio.

  Poltergeist! Stay on track!

 
With more room and the added windows, the space would be perfect.

  Hello?! Vengeful ghost- messing up your life here?!

  "Track lighting?"

  "Of course, darling, whatever you want."

  "Okay. But we're gonna have to start talking rent here. I mean, now that I'm not your assistant- come to think of it- Zoe's not moving in now, is she?"

  "Lord, no. She lives at home with her parents. Her father is an associate of Bernard's. That's how I found her."

  Ah, nothing like family connections to pave your way for you in life.

  Moving on.

  "Okay, then. We need to settle on rent. I'm not living here for free, that's too much like charity. Besides, I'm making more as your buyer than I was as your assistant, plus, my art seems to be selling well. There's no reason to think I can't afford to pay the norm."

  That's where I was wrong. The norm in the Hamptons, as it turns out, is far greater than the norm in Pawling. In fact, I think it's safe to say, I could rent three, maybe four houses, for the price Pia quoted. And not little ones either. More like four bedroom, three bath jobbies.

  And maybe a small car too.

  Plus a mule.

  Should the need arise.

  At my, no doubt, dazed expression, Pia said, "And that is why I have never solicited imbursement. I'd be glad to settle upon, say half of that?"

  I gulped and nodded. "Yes, please," I said in a very tiny voice.

  "All right, then. I'll leave you to get some sleep, with whatever little remains of the time we have to do so, and I'll see you in the morning."

  It wasn't until after Pia and Gloria had left that I realized, we had done a bang-up job of deciding trivial things like rent and remodeling, but I still remained in a stasis regarding Cecilia.

  I frowned at the stinky burning incense.

  Man, I sure hoped it smelled as bad to Cecilia as it did to me.