Murder and Mischief in the Hamptons

by T. L. Ingham

Chapter Seven

  "Why do these things always happen to you?" Gloria was floating above me and looking down at me with very little pity.

  Thanks for the support, ghost girl.

  While I couldn't see much of anything, (there was a giant fender blocking my view) I seemed to be surprisingly alive. I wiggled my toes. At least I thought I was wiggling them, as I couldn't see my legs, or my feet for that matter, I could only hope they were wiggling. I followed this up by wiggling my fingers.

  "Oh, my Lord! Someone call 911!!" I couldn't see her, but I knew it was Pia. Her cultured British tones colored everything she said, even in her panic. Actually, if anything, she sounded even more British now.

  I have a phone, I thought. I can call 911. Better yet, I'm on the phone with a cop, let him do it.

  I wiggled my fingers again. No phone.

  Hmmm. Now what?

  Still under a car. Not really feeling any pain.

  But I would like to get out from under the car.

  "Reid? Reid!" Pia was apparently scrambling around, or possibly over, the car, from the sounds of things.

  "I'm here," I called. Or at least I tried to. I was having a little trouble breathing. Maybe having a two ton car on my chest had something to do with it.

  "Did you hear that? Did someone hear that?!" She was shrieking now. I never thought Pia was capable of something as unrefined as shrieking. "Where is she?"

  I heard a man's voice, a stranger, saying, "I think she's over here. I can see some hair. Is she blond?"

  Oh, my God! I LOST MY HAIR?!

  "Reid, darling, don't try and move!" Pia had found her way to me and her voice was coming from somewhere closer now, although I still couldn't see her. "The ambulance is on its way!"

  "Yeah, no problem, Pia. Not moving. Not a muscle. Not so much as a twitch," I said. At least I think I said it. I might have thought it. I'm not sure. Again, car pinning me to a building. Life is not good.

  I wiggled my fingers and toes again. I was pretty sure I was in shock.

  "Here, Pia," I heard Zoe's voice this time. Just what I needed to make a full recovery. How long ago was it that I had considered death as a reasonable method of escape from Zoe? "Here's some water and blankets. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to keep an accident victim warm and hydrated."

  "And how do you propose I wrap her in a blanket, Zoe, when I can't even see her?" Pia was shrieking again.

  "I'm sorry, I was just trying to help. All I know is to keep her warm."

  "Oh, no problem," I said, "I'm pretty warm here. The engine is putting off plenty of heat."

  "Dear, Lord! Someone shut off the bloody car!" Pia hollered. She sounded a bit Cockney that time.

  Bloody. Was I bleeding all over the car?

  "Reid, dear, you have to keep talking to me, please, say something!"

  "I'm too tired to talk right now, Pia."

  "That's just the point, you can't fall asleep!"

  I thought that was only overdose victims, or stuff like that. I wasn't sure. My thoughts were getting pretty muddled.

  "Reid?!"

  "I'm still here, Pia. I got no place to go." Even I could hear how much my words were slurring. I wondered if I had inhaled too many fumes from the engine and had suffered asphyxiation. "I think I'm ass- ass-fix- a gation." Yeah, not making any sense anymore.

  "She's fading! Someone's got to get her out of there now!" The sheer panic in Pia's voice brought me back, at least temporarily, to the land of the living.

  "We can't move the car. We have to wait for the rescue squad. We might do more damage to her if we try." It was that strange man again. Damn him, for not letting them rescue me. When I got out of here, I was going to punch him right in his sticking-his-nose-in-other-people's-business nose!

  "Yeah, move- car-" I managed.

  "What? What, dear? I can't hear what you're saying."

  "She said, MOVE THE DAMN CAR!" Gloria was the one shrieking now, useless as the endeavor was. "Hold on, Reid! Just hold on! As good as I make it look, being dead sucks the- well- it just sucks! Trust me on this one!"

  I could hear sirens approaching. Or maybe it was the angels' harps. I couldn't be sure. But if it was the angels, they could certainly use a few more lessons.

  "Holy shit!" It was Jase!

  My heart did a little back flip that kinda hurt. "Jase!"

  "What in the hell happened? One minute I was talking to her on the phone and then the next I heard a crash and the phone went dead."

  "Yeah, it's over there. And there. And there. It's in about a million pieces." This from Zoe. I was hating her more and more with each passing minute. Maybe not as much as I hated Simone, but she was rapidly working to close the gap.

  "I don’t give a damn about her phone! Where is she?!"

  "Under the car."

  "Jase," Pia called. She was crying now, I could hear it in her voice.

  "Pia, don't cry," I tried to say, but nothing more would come out.

  "I'm trying to get her to keep talking, but she hasn't said anything in the last minute or so. I'm so scared."

  "Move over."

  There was more rustling then I could feel a hand rummaging around under the car with me. At least I hoped it was a hand. The Hamptons don't have rats, do they?

  "Reid? Reid? Can you feel my hand? Reach out to me, honey. Please, try and catch my hand."

  "Don't- glass- metal shards- you'll get cut." I was barely whispering now, but somehow he heard me anyway.

  "I'm not worried about a few scrapes. Now take my hand."

  I wiggled my fingers again, but that was about all the motion I was getting out of my arms. "Can't- can't move-"

  "All right, honey, just hold on." He rummaged around some more and then I felt his hand on my hip.

  "Oh! That's me- you got-" That was all I could say before I passed out. I was so tired.

  I never knew exactly how they got me out from under the car, or for that matter how long it took. When I awoke, it was night and I was in the hospital once more, different room, same set-up, same ghost nurse. It was good to see a familiar face. Even a ghost. Anything was better than staring at that damned fender.

  "You're awake," she said to me. "I saw you when they brought you into the ER. I recognized you instantly; it hasn't been that long since you were here before. You know, if you keep this up, they're gonna have to permanently assign you your own room. You're not some kind of repeating suicide attempt are you?"

  I shook my head. "No. A car hit me."

  "Yeah, you sure look like it."

  How bad did I look?

  "What? Did you say something?"

  It was hard to see in the dim room, but I recognized the voice instantly and assumed the dark figure unfolding itself from the nearby chair was Jase.

  "I'll just leave you two alone for a minute," the ghost nurse said, just before she popped out of the room.

  He flipped on the bedside lamp, blinding me with the brilliance of it.

  "Sorry," he quickly moved to shade my eyes, waiting patiently while they adjusted to the light before removing his hand.

  Taking the nurse's call box, he quickly pressed the button then said, "I'm glad it didn't take you days to wake up this time."

  "Me too."

  "You know, if this keeps up, I'm going to have to buy you a goalie uniform for your birthday. Or maybe a suit of armor. I kind of like the idea of you clanking around everywhere you walk."

  "What happened?"

  "An elderly man had either taken too much, or not enough, of his medication and fell asleep behind the wheel of his car. The car veered off the road and into the building, with you in between. You’re very lucky, it could have been much worse than it was."

  "Lucky? I spent a good portion of my afternoon stuck under a car and now I'm back in the hospital. How exactly does luck play into this?"

  "By all rights you should be dead. Instead, you have a few fractured ribs, so breathing is going to be a new adventure in pain for the next few weeks (wh
ich explained the feeling of having a freight train on my chest), and other than that you have a sprained arm and wrist, some shoulder damage, a few good bruises on your legs, and a minor concussion."

  "I've had more concussions than a football player lately, I'm sorta getting used to that."

  He kissed my forehead.

  "Ow!"

  "Sorry. You also have a few bruises on your face."

  "My face? How bad? Get me a mirror." Why I should care what my face looked like at a time like this, was anyone's guess. I should be rejoicing that I was alive. I should be thankful that the good Lord chose not to take me at this point in time. I should be thrilled that I was in every sense of the word, a walking miracle. Instead, I was concerned about any damage to my mug. Conceited, I know.

  Jase frowned, "Honey, you've scared the hell out of everybody and you are very lucky to be alive. So lucky, in fact, that today is the day you should buy lottery tickets, 'cause with this kinda luck, you're a shoe in."

  "Mirror."

  "Reid!" Olivia came lumbering in, Jean-Luc bobbing along beside her. "We need to talk! Oh-" She noticed Jase and stopped midstream. "Could we have a moment, please?"

  "Yeah, sure," Jase gladly took the first opportunity for escape. "I'll just run down to the cafeteria and grab a coffee."

  "Yeah, get me a mirror while you're at it."

  "Dear, you don't want to look in a mirror right now do you?" Olivia was flummoxed. "You look atrocious! And what happened to your-"

  "She was hit by a car!" Jase interrupted. Glaring at Olivia, he continued, "She's damn lucky to be alive! Try being a little supportive. If you're going to stay and visit her, you need to be a little more careful with your words. No more discussion about her appearance while I'm gone. And no mirrors!" With that he slammed out of the room.

  "Well, I never!"

  "Olivia, what were you about to say?" I tried to get her back on track.

  "Oh, yes! I came as soon as I heard! There's a little something I need to tell you. Something that I hadn't considered before. Something I should have brought up before. Something I-"

  "Geez! Just spit it out!"

  Meanwhile Jean-Luc continued bobbing about the room, looking here and there, peering under the bed, in the adjoining bathroom, even in the storage cubby that served as a small closet.

  "And what, may I ask, is your dearly departed husband doing?"

  Olivia fluttered her hands, "Pay no attention to him. He's just doing what I asked him to."

  Now he was behind the curtains. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains, got it. Of course, if a huge fiery emerald green face appears inside this room, all bets are off."

  "What?"

  "Never mind. What were you saying?"

  "Oh. Well, see, remember that cleansing we did the other night? Well, sometimes, not all the time, mind you, but sometimes, spirits who have been removed, especially forcibly, reattach themselves to another location."

  "Okaaaayyy… And?"

  She was rubbing her hands together in a fretful manner. "And sometimes they attach themselves to a person. So I'm a little concerned that maybe, just maybe, Cecilia attached herself to you. If that is the case, then there is a slight possibility that she caused your accident."

  "What?!"

  "Now don't panic. It's as easy to remove as anything."

  "It, in this case is Cecilia. A poltergeist who for whatever reason does not like me! The last thing I need is to have her dogging my every move like Gloria does with Pia. Especially if she's going to be throwing cars at me!"

  At this point Jean-Luc bobbed over to Olivia and began whispering something in her ear.

  The ghost nurse reentered the room as well and said, "Where'd your boyfriend go?"

  Jean-Luc's whispering picked up speed.

  "I sense another presence in the room," Olivia murmured.

  That's when it all came together for me.

  "Oh, my God! You're a fraud."

  "How dare you-!"

  "You are. Not a complete fraud, mind you, not a full time fraud. You're a partial fraud. A semi-fraud. A fractional fraud."

  "Could you please stop using the word fraud."

  "How do you feel about phony? Fake? Flim-flam? Sham? Charlatan?"

  "Well, I never!"

  "Every bit of information you get from the 'other side' is given to you by Jean-Luc. He's the only ghost you can talk to, isn't he? All you hear from the rest is that buzzing noise. And between Jean-Luc's accent and his determination to whisper everything, it's no wonder you get it all confused."

  "Well, I never!"

  "So you said before."

  Olivia humphed. Then she humphed again. She sputtered a bit. Otherwise, she had no response to my accusation. Which pretty much gave me all the answer I needed.

  Jase returned to the room. Catching on instantly to the stare-down that was going on before him, he looked back and forth between us as if he were watching a tennis match. Finally, he said, "Is there something wrong?"

  Olivia cleared her throat. "Not at all. Reid, dear, I do hope you get to feeling better. Please, take care of yourself. I'll continue to do what I can about the other matter, of course."

  "Of course."

  Olivia swept out of the room without another word.

  "What was that all about?"

  I shrugged. "Ow!" Bad choice.

  "Like the joke says, if it hurts, don't do it."

  "Whatever. Mirror."

  "You really do have a one track mind don't you?"

  "I'm stubborn. Get used to it."

  Pia chose this moment to come rushing in, Gloria hot on her heels. They were closely followed by Maya who was laden down with an enormous bouquet of flowers as well as what looked like a two foot mummy.

  "What the hell is that thing?" I asked Maya, indicating the mummy.

  She shrugged as she laid it on the bed beside me. "Hard telling, Robert dropped it off at the gallery and asked me to bring it up to you. My best guess is that it was a teddy bear before he wrapped it in about eight pounds of gauze. These are from all of us at the gallery," she added, setting the bouquet on a nearby table. "There was no card with the bear. Robert just told me to tell you that he and Dane were thinking of you and that if you were trying to commit suicide there were better ways to go about it."

  My friends. Their cups runneth over with compassion.

  "Darling!" Pia rushed over to the side of my bed. "You have no idea how much you scared me today!"

  "I kinda scared myself. Well, not me really, that old man scared me. I hope they took his license away." Although now I was beginning to wonder if it really had been his fault or if a certain poltergeist had her ghostly hands on the steering wheel and her foot on the gas. Not something I wanted to contemplate.

  "Oh, I'm sure they did. Or they will, anyway. Not that it matters, his car was completely destroyed."

  "Smashed it in that much, did he?"

  "That's an understatement. What was whole isn't anymore- they cut that thing into about a dozen pieces trying to get it off of you. You don't know how lucky you were!"

  "So everyone keeps telling me. Can I have a mirror?"

  "Now that everyone's here," Jase interrupted, "I'm going to head home and clean up a little. I've been lying in motor oil half the afternoon and I'd like to peel some of it off of me. I'll be back later, okay, honey?" Not waiting for a response, he kissed me on the forehead and made a beeline for the door.

  "Coward!" I called after him, and then turning back to Pia and Maya said, "Mirror."

  "What do you want a mirror for?" Pia frowned. "Now is not the time for make-up."

  "Yeah, maybe it's Maybelline, but then again maybe it's not," Gloria remarked. "I mean, Max didn't Factor that kind of damage in. You're more dismay than Almay. Revlon-"

  "I get it!" I shouted, forgetting all about Maya standing there. "I look bad, apparently I look awful. I don't need the sarcastic remarks to remind me!"

  "Hey, I could do this all day," Glor
ia snickered.

  "No doubt," I muttered.

  Maya stood there looking confused for a moment. "I don't think Pia was being sarcastic, Reid, she was just saying there was no need for make-up right now. You just need to rest and worry about recovering."

  Pia, on the other hand, had apparently caught on to the fact that Gloria was being a pain in the ass, and said to no one in particular (Gloria), "Now is not the time for derision, anyone who would stoop so low is beyond contempt."

  Gloria huffed, but took the hint and shut up.

  At least she was being quiet. For once.

  "Mirror, please." I was not about to be put off any longer.

  "Darling, I really don't think that's important right now-"

  "Mirror!"

  "Fine," she sighed. "Let me see if I have a compact in my purse." She began to rifle around the contents, withdrawing among other things, three tubes of lipstick, two bottles of lotion, mascara, a check book, a personal calendar, numerous business cards, aspirin, paper clips, pens and a container of hairspray. But no mirror.

  Why did I find that so hard to believe?

  Fine, if she wasn't going to help me, I'd help myself.

  I began to rise from the bed at which both Pia and Maya jumped to my side. "What are you doing? No, dear, you need to stay in bed!"

  "I'm going to the bathroom."

  "Just wait for the nurse, dear," Pia pleaded, still pushing me, as gently as she could, back onto the bed. "Maya, call the nurse, please!"

  Maya began frantically punching the button, the same one Jase had pushed earlier with no results.

  "Let- me- go! Ow! You're hurting me!"

  "I'm not trying to hurt you, dear. If you'll just cooperate and stay in the bed you won't be getting hurt at all."

  "Pia, I have several fractured ribs. Do you really think pushing me around is very safe? You might puncture a lung or something." I know it was mean to prey on her sensitivities like that, I remember how horrified and upset she was earlier, but I was damned if I was going to stay in that bed and not get a gander at whatever everyone was trying so hard to hide from me. I mean, did I look like the elephant man now? Had I been horribly disfigured? Everything felt fine. Nothing felt obscenely swollen. Yet, they were acting as if one of my eyeballs had fallen out of my head and gotten jammed up my nose. Or something of the sort anyway.

  Pia, falling for my ruse as easy as pie, quickly let go of me and jumped back. "Oh, no! I don't want to do that! Are you okay? Are you sure you can breathe all right? Please, tell me I didn't make anything worse?"

  "I'm fine," I said as I began shuffling towards the bathroom, dragging my IV pole along like it was my best buddy. Since I was still tethered to it, I didn't have much of a choice.

  It took me a few seconds of fumbling around the wall searching for the light switch and when I finally found it and turned to face the mirror, I was so shocked and so dismayed at a lack of anything spectacular, that it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. True, I had a giant bruise going across my forehead- remembering the proximity of the bumper earlier that wasn't so hard to believe. There was also a few minor cuts and scratches speckling my face. Shattered glass from either the windshield or the shop window, no doubt. And I was sporting a shiner that was without a doubt going to be quite spectacular when it was finished forming. But my nose wasn't askew. I had two eyes, neither of which were swollen shut. My mouth looked fine. I grinned at myself and inspected my teeth. All present and accounted for. So what was all the fuss about?

  I was just turning away from the mirror, fully intending to rejoin Pia and ask the question of the century, when I finally made the connection.

  And then I screamed.