Deserter

by Myers, Shannon

  “I told you before that it don’t mean shit. We’re just fuckin’ around.” He tossed my dress at me and I clutched it to my chest. “Get dressed, your ma will be here soon. Oh, and Celia?”

  “Yes?” The coldness in his words settled over me, seeping into my pores, until I wanted to run from this place and forget that I’d ever met him.

  “Don’t ever call me Jamie in front of anyone.” He slammed the door to the office behind him, leaving me crouched on the sofa with our combined fluids running down the inside of my thigh, feeling more ashamed and exposed than ever before.

  Chapter Twelve

  Celia: 1989

  “Why are we here? You said we were going to Amarillo.” I tugged at the neckline of my dress and surveyed the multitude of bikes and vehicles from the safety of the passenger seat of Molly’s Pontiac Phoenix.

  Technically, it was her mom’s, but Molly had assured me that her mother would be sleeping all day after her night shift as a nurse at the hospital.

  She looked over with a sly grin. “Did I? I could’ve sworn I said we were going to a gathering near Amarillo.”

  I shook my head. “Let me out. I’ll hitch back to town. I can’t be here.”

  I’d been in hiding for weeks; ever since our encounter in the tattoo parlor and the humiliating walk back to the record store. I feigned illness, offered to stay after school and complete assignments for extra credit that I didn’t need—anything to avoid running into a certain blond biker.

  “You'll be dead before nightfall looking as cute as you do. Just take a chill pill and enjoy the afternoon.”

  “The last time you told me to enjoy myself around these guys, I was almost drowned in a bar bathroom, so you’ll forgive me if I’m not thrilled to be here. I’m trying to move on with my life.”

  She slowed the car and fixed me with a pointed glare. “This is a family event, so your virtue will remain intact and besides, Grey is probably busy with the club. I doubt he’ll even notice you came.”

  Her words left me with an ache in my chest that I was better off ignoring. I scanned the men and women getting off their bikes, feeling woefully overdressed and sick to my stomach at the thought of running into Jamie.

  Grey.

  He wasn’t Jamie to me anymore.

  “If this is a family event, why are we here?”

  Molly turned to me with a smile. “I never told you? Shit, I could’ve sworn I did at graduation. My Aunt Lucy is married to a biker and they only have sons, so I’m like the daughter she never had. Get it? Daughter she never had?”

  I nodded and went back to staring out the window. “So, do you come to a lot of these?”

  “I haven’t since I was a kid.”

  I turned to her again. “Wait, so your aunt is married to a biker, and they still took your mom?”

  “Yeah, rules are rules. From what Mom said, Lucy really stuck her neck out and it wasn’t that bad. Rock even came around a few times after; well, until he died in some bar fight.” She parked the car and reached over to squeeze my hand.

  “This won’t be like fight night. There are ‘Ol Ladies and kids here. The men will be on their best behavior, so don’t have a cow, okay?”

  I agreed and followed after her, my cherry red flip-flops sinking into the sand with each step. Two kids had managed to climb up into one of the large oak trees and were shooting each other with finger guns while their mothers tried to coax them back down.

  One of the bikers had built a bonfire that he was gleefully dousing in gasoline. “Yo, Dave!” another biker called over. “Easy on the accelerants, we got kids here!”

  She was right. This was nothing like the last time. I struggled to see the same men who kidnapped me as family men, even with the evidence right in front of me.

  “Aunt Lucy!” Molly waved.

  A gorgeous redhead in a cream bodysuit and acid-washed jeans came over and wrapped her up in a hug. “Molly Dolly! You look fabulous, as always.” When they pulled apart, she looked up at me with a smile. “And you must be Celia. I’m Lucy.”

  I extended my hand to shake hers, trying to figure out how it was she knew me, when she surprised me with a hug.

  “Okay,” I exclaimed, patting her back awkwardly.

  “None of that handshaking bullshit. Now, let’s get you girls some food and introduce you to the ladies.”

  “Doesn’t she look just like Lucy from I Love Lucy?” Molly whispered as she walked off. “Fuck, I love watching reruns of that show.”

  “Mm-hmm.” I distractedly answered while searching the tables. He was nearby, I felt it.

  Being here was madness.

  I was starving.

  My head ached.

  My new best friend had tricked me.

  And, I’d officially left all my common sense back in the car. During my speech at graduation, I’d lost my place several times, scanning the auditorium for him. I knew that I’d made the best decision by walking away, but a small part of me was disappointed by how easily he’d let me.

  “Alright, girls. This is my niece, Molly, and her friend, Celia.”

  I snapped out of my trance and smiled politely. “Hello.”

  The three women looked us up and down before nodding and going back to their conversation. Molly leaned down. “Hey, bitches, she just said hello. The polite thing to do is to say something back.”

  “Molly!” The last thing we needed was to draw attention to ourselves.

  Lucy cackled and shook her head. “I’ll be damned, Molly. There’s more of me in you than I thought.” She pointed to each of the women. “Donna. Betsy. Angela. If you ladies want to stay in my good graces, you’ll get off your asses and show some respect.”

  The one with dark hair stood up first. “I’m Betsy.” She shook my hand. “Did you say your name was Celia?”

  “Unique, isn’t it?”

  I dropped my shoulders with a sigh at the familiar growl and mumbled, “So much for staying hidden,” as Grey stepped into view.

  Lucy winced and reached for Molly’s hand. “We’ll just go get some food.” The rest of the table followed, with the exception of Betsy.

  The three of us stood in strained silence until Grey made his demand. “Like a word with you.”

  I nodded. “I expected as much. Can I eat first?”

  His eyes flashed with anger and the muscle in his jaw popped out. “After.”

  Betsy crossed her arms over her chest with a frown. “You two know each other?”

  A wicked smile crossed his face. “Yeah, Betsy. Been fuckin’ her for a while now.”

  His words were a blow to my stomach, leaving me swaying and struggling to catch my breath. What had happened between us was private. It had also meant something, right up until he made me feel like a whore in front of a perfect stranger.

  “How dare you!” I hissed, my palm connecting with his cheek. At the realization of what I’d done, I took off running. My flip-flops quickly got hung up in the sand and I kicked them off, racing toward Molly’s car.

  Oh my god, I hit him.

  I’d never hit anyone or anything in my life. Granted, no one had ever pushed my buttons like Grey did either, but that was beside the point.

  A tear broke free, quickly followed by another and by the time I reached the car, my entire body was wracked with sobs. I collapsed against the trunk with a gasp, trying and failing to control my emotions.

  The metal was hot against my forearms, but I couldn’t catch my breath, let alone pick my head up. It shouldn’t have hurt as bad as it did.

  “What the fuck was that, Celia?"

  I straightened quickly and slurred, “I… can’t—” I wanted to say more, but my tongue had gone thick and black spots obscured my vision. I stumbled forward and then everything went dark.

  The underside of Grey’s beard was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. At some point, he’d picked me up and was now carrying me back toward the clubhouse.

  I blinked up at him in confusion, trying
to decide if I was dreaming. “Grey?”

  “I got you, princess.” His words were meant to be reassuring, but there was fear in his eyes. He tightened his hold on me as we entered the clubhouse and I closed my eyes as the fatigue set in.

  “Never running again,” I mumbled against his chest and was rewarded with the slightest rumble of a laugh.

  “Grey? What the hell happened?” Lucy yelled from behind us and I jerked in fright.

  “Jesus, Luce! Keep your voice down and help me get her into the office.”

  He laid me on a black leather couch and turned to Lucy. “She fuckin’ fainted out by the car.” Her eyes narrowed, and he shook his head. “Didn’t lay a finger on her.”

  “It’s just a combination of low blood sugar, the heat, and being horribly out of shape,” I grumbled. “Clearly, I should’ve taken gym as an elective.”

  She knelt beside me and pressed the back of her hand to my forehead. “You feel cool. Why don’t you lay here, and I’ll go fix you a plate of food, okay?”

  I nodded and slowly sat up to face Grey. “You might as well let me have it. I’m sure it’s killing you to keep your mouth shut.”

  The muscle in his jaw twitched, and he cracked his neck. “You’re takin’ all sorts of risks today, aren’t ya? I liked your graduation speech.”

  “You came?” I was floored.

  He sat down on the edge of the desk. “Course I did. You runnin’ away didn’t change things for me. What was that part about stone and leaving shit behind?”

  I massaged my temples. “Uh, the Pericles quote? ‘What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others?’”

  Grey nodded and crossed one boot over the other. “You believe that?”

  “Do I believe that the impact we have on other people is more important than what we achieve? Yeah, I do. Who cares what you accomplish in life if you’re a jerk?”

  He fell silent again, and I studied his blue eyes, wondering where it was he went when the mask came down.

  “What if—” He paused. “What if you had no other choice?”

  “I don’t know, Grey. I think you always have a choice.”

  He glanced toward the doorway and then back to me. “Jamie.” His voice was quiet.

  Maybe we would’ve stood a chance if he was just Jamie, but Grey was always going to be there, lurking in the shadows. I didn’t want to live in constant fear of his cruelty, and I refused to let him reduce me to tears again.

  “You can go now. I’m feeling better.”

  His gaze darkened. “You’re in my office, Celia. Look, I don’t apologize—”

  “You don’t need to start now. You made it clear that we were nothing and now it’s over. You don’t need to dissect our non-relationship on my account.”

  I wanted to take the lie back as soon as it left my lips. I would’ve endured an entire post-mortem if it meant closure. That wasn’t how life worked though. As Christine from Fleetwood Mac sang on the Little Lies track, ‘No more broken hearts, we’re better off apart. Let’s give it a try.’

  “Celia—” he began just as Lucy came in with a plate of food.

  “Here we are. Barbecue with all the fixins’. Grey, Wolverine needs a word.”

  His eyes pleaded with mine, but I shook my head. “I’m fine. I’ll eat and it’ll be like it never happened.”

  It’ll be like we never happened.

  As soon as the food was gone, so was I.

  And this time, there would be no coming back.

  I’d been awarded a scholarship to attend the University of Chicago. In just a few short months, I’d be in a different state, studying philosophy and moving on with my life.

  As soon as he left, Lucy closed the door and asked, “What’s going on?”

  I shrugged and began tearing a piece of brisket apart with my hands. “Nothing. I fainted, and he carried me here.”

  “You haven’t had any other problems? Headaches? Lightheadedness?”

  “What are you—a nurse?” She nodded, and I laughed around a mouthful of meat. The bikers probably called on her services all the time. “Lucy, I’m fine. I’ve had a few headaches, but I’ve been under a lot of stress with graduation.”

  She lowered her voice. “When was your last period?”

  The food seemed to lodge in my throat as I admitted, “I’m a few days late, but with school and… other things, it’s not surprising.”

  “I thought as much, but there’s only one way to know for sure whether it’s just stress or—”

  “Wait,” I interrupted. “Just wait a second. I’m not—I can’t be. I just graduated high school.”

  Lucy sat down beside me and took my hand in hers. “Hey, look at me. You’re going to be just fine. I snagged a pregnancy test when I grabbed your food—”

  “Oh my god! The guys keep those things lying around?”

  Her nose wrinkled with disgust. “The club whores keep all sorts of things around here.” At my horrified expression, she amended, “Trust me, it’s clean and you’ll feel better once you know for sure. Just use the office bathroom. I’ll wait right here for you.”

  I followed the instructions, feeling like I was back in chemistry class, before rejoining her on the couch. “I guess now we wait.”

  There was a knock at the door and Betsy poked her head in. “It’s just me. How are you doing?”

  I picked up the plate of food again, even though my appetite had fled about the time that we began discussing pregnancy. I gripped it in my hands, silently willing them to stop trembling. I couldn’t be pregnant; especially not when the man involved wanted nothing to do with me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “N-nothing.” My voice cracked, and I bit down on my lower lip.

  “Celia might be knocked up,” Lucy helpfully added, before checking her watch. “It’s been fifteen minutes.”

  I set the plate aside and the three of us crowded into the small bathroom, staring down at the test tube holding my urine.

  “What does blue mean again?” I asked faintly, with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Betsy didn’t even pick up the instructions before answering, “If it’s green or blue, it’s positive.”

  Lucy managed to catch me when my legs buckled beneath me and the two of them helped me back over to the couch.

  Betsy rubbed small circles between my shoulder blades as I worked to get air into my lungs. “Hey, Lucy? Would you mind grabbing her some water? I’ll stay with her until you get back.”

  Pregnant at seventeen.

  He’d said we were nothing.

  I was fairly certain that a baby was the exact opposite of nothing.

  “I—I—I can’t be.” I stared down at my bare feet and the mauve polish on my toes. I’d chosen the color for graduation, back when my only concerns were finding a dress from Yiayia’s closet to match.

  Betsy waited until Lucy slipped out before asking, “It’s Grey’s?” When I nodded, her lips pursed. “Grey’s not really the settling down type, Celia.”

  A tear fell to the concrete floor, and I swiped a shaking hand across my face. “I know.”

  She continued rubbing my back. “And you’re so young. You don’t wanna be tied down to a place like this for the rest of your life, do you?”

  I laughed bitterly as my grief poured out of me in a flood. “It’s not like I can change it now.”

  “Nonsense. A girl like you deserves to see the world. All it takes is a simple appointment and you get your freedom back. College, a wedding to a man who wants to marry you, and babies when the time is right.”

  I sniffed and brought my eyes back up to hers. “Are you—are you suggesting an abortion?”

  Betsy looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but Grey got someone in trouble before.”

  The knife that seemed to be lodged in my heart moved in a few more inches at the revelation. I pressed the heel of my ha
nd to my chest and squeaked out another incoherent sob.

  She nodded. “The girl went to him and do you know what he told her? To get to an abortion clinic and take care of it because it wasn’t his problem.”

  My arms went around my body and I began rocking. “If my parents find out—we’re Catholic.”

  I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to explain my family’s religious affiliation, but it seemed important. Pregnancy out-of-wedlock… abortion… it went against everything I’d been taught.

  “Honey, they don’t have to know. It’s a simple procedure—you fall asleep and when you wake up, your problem is gone. You cramp and bleed like you do when you get your cycle, but that’s it.”

  “You’ve had one?”

  Betsy looked over at the door before leaning in. “I’ve had three. Then, I got pregnant with my Michael and I just knew I was ready. Things were so different. So, we’ll just fix things so you can move on, okay?”

  I nodded. She didn’t look to be much older than me, so it was hard to imagine that she could’ve had four children.

  “Good.” She squeezed my knee. “I know a guy and I could get you an appointment next week and drive you home after, if you’d like.”

  My chin quivered, and I nodded again. I’d take care of it and then go to college and make something of myself. My parents and Grey would never have to know. I couldn’t bear anyone else’s disappointment.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Grey: 1989

  I should’ve been focused on the men sitting across from me, but as usual, my thoughts were with her. Ever since the night I patched in, my life had been about control; about using my power to get what I wanted.

  For the club.

  For me.

  I promised myself, after sending Donald to the Reaper, that I’d never let anyone have that kind of dominance over me again. And I’d been successful… until her.

  Celia.

  I’d gotten used to ruling with intimidation and threats. When that didn’t work, I’d resort to violence. Breaking people was easy enough, once you knew their weakness. Unfortunately, she’d become mine.