Deserter

by Myers, Shannon

  I could berate myself from now until the end of time over the shitty actions that had led me here.

  Right now, though, I needed to focus on turning the club over to Bear. Once I was home with my girls, I’d make up for lost time.

  The knot that had been in my belly since Beaumont hadn’t lessened any with seeing my wife.

  If anything, it had gotten worse.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Celia: 2000

  “He did too!” Dakota cried from the backseat.

  “What would I want with your stupid comics?” Kate snapped in reply.

  “You knew Uncle Wolverine bought that specially for me! You’re just jealous ‘cause he only brings you dumb notebooks.”

  “Mama!” They yelled simultaneously. “Tell her to stop talking to me!”

  I clenched my jaw and brought a hand up to massage my temple as I pulled into the driveway. I’d been nursing a sinus headache for most of the afternoon while they’d entertained themselves by fighting. “I would really like it if we could get along for just five minutes, girls. Five minutes. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

  Kate popped up behind me. “Mama, are you okay? You’ve been really grumpy the past couple of days.”

  I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter before meeting her gaze in the rearview mirror. “I’m fine, sweetie; just tired. Do you know what would help me?”

  Dakota unbuckled and barreled into Kate’s side. “What?”

  “If you two crazies could call a truce at least until dinner’s over. Think you can do that?” The pain in my head was messing with my vision and I found myself looking forward to the moment I could climb into bed, guilt free.

  Kate nodded in agreement while Dakota continued to stare over my shoulder.

  “Dakota Mae, I asked you a question.”

  She adjusted her glasses and pointed. “Mama, why does the door look funny?”

  I whipped my head back toward the house, my adrenaline spiking when I saw it. Our front door had been kicked in.

  Someone had broken into our home.

  The three of us slowly climbed out of the suburban and stood in shock on the front lawn. “Girls, I want you to stay right here by the car, okay? Don’t move from this spot until—”

  “Mama, you can’t go in there,” Kate argued. “What if the bad guys are still in there?”

  I looked around the yard and down the street, but the block was deserted. Even if the neighbors were home, they wouldn’t open their doors to help us.

  The ground vibrated beneath my feet as Hawk’s bike roared up. He took one look at my face and immediately hopped off. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  I tried to keep my lips from trembling as I whispered, “Someone broke in.”

  His hand went to the gun at his hip. “Stay here with the girls.”

  My throat tightened and I nodded, doing my best to keep it together in front of Kate and Dakota. I pulled them into my side and held my breath while Hawk checked the house.

  He reappeared a few minutes later and gave me a thumbs up. “All clear.”

  I began shaking uncontrollably as I led the girls up the porch steps, my movements jerky and unsteady. Hawk told the girls to wait on the porch swing as he reached for my hand, pulling me inside.

  “Anything missing in here?”

  I’d expected the place to be trashed, but everything seemed to be just as we’d left it before going to the park. The television was still next to the stereo on the old record cabinet console that had belonged to Jamie’s parents.

  I scanned the walls and along the furniture, convinced I was missing something. “This room looks okay.”

  Hawk nodded. “Let’s go check the bedrooms. Thieves usually look for what they can quickly grab and take off with. Any jewelry or small collectibles you had lying around?”

  “Not any that would be easy to find.”

  Besides my wedding band, I only had YiaYia’s jewelry, and it was hidden in a box on the top shelf of the closet where Dakota couldn’t reach.

  The girl’s bedroom floor was littered with action figures and clothing, but nothing had been taken. Their tiny bathroom was the same.

  If the front door hadn’t been kicked in, I wouldn’t have known anyone had been here.

  It was as if they’d come for one thing—

  “Oh, no. No, no, no,” I moaned, and with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, stumbled down the hall to the master bedroom.

  “Celia?” Hawk caught up and wrapped an arm around my shoulders to steady me. “What’s wrong?”

  I rushed forward, only to pull back with an anguished cry. The wooden box lay on its side near my pillow, empty. I lifted the pillow and dropped to my knees to check under the bed, but the contents were long gone.

  The thieves had come for the money—both Jamie’s and mine.

  “How much of it was in there?” Hawk demanded, running his hand through his hair.

  I bunched my fists in the comforter and slowly pulled myself up. In spite of the chill, a line of sweat ran down my spine and I shivered as I continued staring down at the empty box.

  Jamie knew what I’d done.

  It was why he’d shown up at the house. He was trying to catch me. Maybe he’d sent someone to break in and teach me a lesson.

  “Celia.” He snapped his fingers. “Look at me.”

  I pulled myself away from my irrational thoughts and tried to focus on Hawk. “It’s all gone. All of it.”

  He cursed and began pacing the room while I stood rooted to the carpet, praying to any saint who would listen.

  At first, it was just a few dollars here and there. I assumed I’d gotten careless or forgetful. Then, it became harder to ignore. Money began running out days, sometimes even weeks before Jamie made it back.

  The electricity had been shut off more times than I could count, and if it hadn’t been for Hawk, I would’ve lost everything.

  With no way of reaching Jamie, and my mother’s outright refusal to loan me one red cent, I’d turned to my biker bodyguard for solutions.

  The club switched up their burner phones so frequently that Hawk never seemed to have any luck contacting them for more cash. Eventually, we stopped trying.

  “We’ll find another game,” he muttered to himself. “That’s all there is to it.”

  I lowered my shoulders with a sigh. “I can’t. I told you I was out after the last one. Besides, a couple hundred bucks is just a drop in the bucket compared to what I need. We’ve gotta call the club.”

  “Mama?” Kate tapped the door as she entered. “Is everything okay? Did they take anything?”

  “No, sweetheart,” I lied. “Something must’ve scared them off. Why don’t you and Dakota brush your teeth and get your pajamas on. I’ll be in to tuck you in soon.”

  She pulled the door closed behind her and Hawk and I resumed our stare down.

  “You really wanna call in the club? You know Grey’ll have my ass for letting this happen, right?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck and looked back down at the bed. “He’ll have mine too when he realizes I’ve been playing blackjack to cover my losses. Hawk, what if one of the guys from the last game followed me home?”

  “I would’ve seen them, and you were missing money before then. If you’re hellbent on calling in the club, I’ll try to reach out to them. I know Grey was going on a run somewhere down south after his last visit.” He scratched along his jaw and followed my stare back toward the bed.

  “Must’ve not been a long ride. He went down south and then came back within a couple of days.”

  His gaze locked on my face. “Wait, he was here—as in, here at the house? Not another motel? When?”

  I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded. “He was here the morning of October twenty-first. It was only for a few hours and when I woke up, he was gone again. You didn’t know? Isn’t that your whole purpose for being here?”

  Hawk nodded and looked down at the carpet, m
uttering under his breath.

  “What’s the deal, Celia? What am I not seeing here? I’ve canvassed the entire goddamn neighborhood looking for a thief yet come up empty-handed every single time. Where’s the money?”

  My head jerked up in surprise. “You think I took it?” I spluttered. “Why would I steal from myself, Hawk?”

  He studied my face. "You tell me, doll. Maybe you think that if you blow through the money quicker, Grey’ll turn up more often, yeah?”

  I shook my head. While I wanted Jamie here, I wasn’t willing to jeopardize my children’s safety and well-being for sex. “You really think I’d do that to my girls? We’ve had the power shut off.”

  “Drugs?”

  My nostrils flared and I tilted my chin up in defiance. “Are you accusing me of being on drugs, Hawk? Do I look like someone who’s under the influence of anything?”

  “Fuck.” He dropped down onto the bed. “Celia, I’m sorry. I’m just—fuck! None of this makes a damn bit of sense. Who else would’ve known about the money?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He pounded a fist against his thigh before standing up. “I’ll be out front.”

  The girls were almost asleep by the time I made it to their room. I’d pulled their favorite chapter book from the nightstand but couldn’t concentrate. After losing my place repeatedly, I blamed the headache and kissed them goodnight.

  Guilt gnawed at my gut as I replayed the day’s events and I grabbed my cardigan off the back of the chair in the den before joining Hawk on the porch.

  He sat on the swing, cigarette between his lips, staring off into nothing.

  “Mind if I join you?”

  The street was deserted, but I didn’t miss the way the curtains shifted against the window in the house across from ours. The neighborhood barbecues I’d imagined while pregnant with Kate had never taken place.

  Knowing what most of them thought of me, they never would.

  All the dreams I’d had for our lives were just that.

  Dreams.

  He stayed silent, but scooted over, making room for me.

  I swallowed hard as I sat down. “Did you try to call?”

  “Yep.” He exhaled a stream of smoke. “Number’s been disconnected.”

  I waved him off when he offered the cigarette to me. “I’m trying to quit.”

  “Fair enough.”

  My palms were damp, and I wiped them on my skirt. “What do we do now?”

  He shrugged and rocked the swing back with the toe of his boot. “Guess we just wait for your old man to show up and pray that he decides to make another midnight run sooner, rather than later.”

  “I know what you must think of me. Relying on Grey to solve my problems. I tried to let him go. I swear I did.”

  Hawk cleared his throat before taking another drag. “The only thing I’ve been thinking is that you’ve been put in a fuckin’ impossible situation and you’re just trying to make the best of it.”

  He blew a smoke ring before turning to face me. “Let’s get one thing straight. A woman relying on her man wouldn’t have taken up gambling to keep the lights on.”

  “For all the good it did. Money’s gone now.”

  “There’s an underground game. High stakes—”

  “That’s a thing? High stakes blackjack? I thought that was just poker.”

  He laughed. “Nah, if you’ve got the cash, you can lose it in a variety of ways.” When I frowned, he amended, “Not that you would lose it. You’re like a fuckin’ genius when it comes to blackjack.”

  I gnawed at the corner of my lip, itching to pluck the cigarette from his hand and take a long drag. “Good or not, I have nothing to bet.”

  “I’ve got a little cash I could loan you. It’s enough to get you into some of the smaller games—there’s a ring here in town that pays at the three to two rates. Get you enough to buy into the big game.”

  Tears blurred my vision. What he was offering was better than the alternative—starving to death while waiting for Jamie, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a bad plan.

  It wasn’t the fear of losing Hawk’s money—card counting was a skill I’d honed over the last couple of years. I knew how to keep my losses to a minimum and walk away with more than I came with.

  This time felt different though.

  If the thieves were the same men who’d lost their money to me at my last game, then I was leaving us vulnerable to another attack.

  I bounced my knees up and down, jostling the swing. “I can’t. It’s too big a risk.”

  His mouth moved into a flat line. “What happens when Grey decides it’s easier to stay dead or it gets too dangerous for him to come back?”

  Jamie might’ve made the decision that changed the course of our lives, but I’d denied him access to his daughters.

  I’d done it to protect them; convinced he’d never dig his way out of the hole he was in. Now, he lived like a nomad, roaming the country with no place to call home.

  Hawk was bringing up the same concern that had contributed to more than one sleepless night. There was going to be a day when my husband woke up and finally decided to give me what I’d been asking for the past two years.

  Freedom.

  We’d wasted so much time hurting each other. The last time had been different, at least I thought so until I woke up alone again.

  I swore I’d never be one of those women and yet, here I was, diving for scraps like a stray dog.

  Just imagining never seeing him again left me sick to my stomach. I’d created the rules though and I had to live by them.

  The porch swing shifted forward as I straightened and held out my hand to Hawk. “Let’s do it.”

  He took it with a wide grin. “Game’s tomorrow night. You can pay me back when you win it all.”

  I told myself I was doing it for the money, but I knew the truth. I wanted insurance in case my husband decided to never come back.

  * * *

  Hawk had failed to mention that this was no ordinary blackjack game. This was a tournament—the play-offs leading up to the Super Bowl, but for cards.

  I’d somehow made it to the final table after three grueling qualifying rounds. I took my place at the semicircle table and surveyed my competition.

  These men were nothing like the regulars at the New Mexico casinos. For starters, they were sober, and there was a roughness about them that made me think they wouldn’t take kindly to losing to a woman.

  I kept my face impassive as the dealer asked for bets, but inside, I was sweating bullets.

  “For you?” she asked a dark-haired man in a custom suit down on the end

  “Ten thousand.” He placed the chip inside the betting circle and I discreetly cut my eyes to the side to look at the ring on his hand again.

  My arms began to tremble, and I took a deep breath, willing myself to calm down.

  It didn’t mean anything.

  A diamond thirteen ring was probably common in establishments like this one. I felt his gaze on me and reluctantly lifted my eyes up to meet his. One of his jet-black eyebrows quirked up in a challenge and a knot of dread settled in my belly.

  It was as if the word ‘amateur’ was flashing in neon letters above my head.

  Maybe it should’ve been.

  This was certainly not a game I would’ve ever willingly put myself in, but once I made it past the first round, it was too late to back out.

  The next person bid five thousand and then the dealer looked to me.

  “One thousand,” I croaked.

  It was the minimum bet, but I didn’t care.

  I had ten and was going to have to make it last. On my best night, I’d never made anything close to the chips that were stacked in front of me and all I could focus on was the fact that I might lose it all.

  The last two players placed their bets and we began. My instincts kicked in once the cards were dealt and I began tallying the numbers in my mind.

  Thirteen had a
queen.

  I had an eight.

  The man with tattoos on his throat and a metal bar through his lip had a three. The other two were dealt an eight and a ten. We each signaled to hit and Thirteen added another queen while I received a three. I added the other’s cards to my list but kept my attention on the man at the end of the table.

  He was my competition.

  The dealer showed a three and Thirteen stayed. Lip Ring busted, leaving me feeling lightheaded at the thought of the five grand he’d just thrown away.

  “And you?” She watched me expectantly.

  I added another chip to the circle. “Doubling down.”

  Thirteen clicked his tongue against his teeth but remained silent.

  “Doubling down for a thousand,” she repeated back, and I nodded, suddenly feeling like the dress Hawk had insisted I wear was too tight.

  The others placed their bets and I held my breath as the dealer flipped over her card.

  A queen.

  Her next card was a ten and I exhaled.

  She’d busted in the first round.

  It put Thirteen in the lead, with me in second. He tipped an imaginary hat in my direction and I nodded abruptly before looking away.

  My confidence threatened to slip, but I wouldn’t be distracted from my goal. There was too much at stake.

  The hours passed like minutes; the minimum bet increasing with each hand, but I continued to play conservatively. Lip Ring went all in during the tenth hand, only to lose everything on a bust.

  The cattle rancher from Oklahoma was knocked out soon after and then there were three: Thirteen, an Army Ranger from south Texas, and me.

  With two hands left, they each placed the maximum bet while I studied my chips. I had a lead, but if I was going to make it to the final hand, I had to take a risk.

  “Twenty thousand,” I stated confidently, sliding my chips into the circle. Thirteen studied them, his lips curving up into a smile.

  “Wow… big spender.”

  My pulse spiked as I ran the numbers in my head again and I forced myself to take slow breaths. If this failed, I’d still walk away with enough to keep us going until Jamie came home.