Scarred: Hudson & Callie (Oak Springs Book 2)

by Lucy Rinaldi

  I watched her this morning through the mirror as she got ready for the Christmas rush at the bakery. She didn’t know I was awake, she didn’t know that I saw her tears. I hate that I’m hurting her like this. I didn’t even know a person could fall so deeply in love with children they’ve only spent a short amount of time with.

  I called Paige after Callie left. I knew she was working a double shift and would be at work. It was her break so she answered. I asked her about Todd and Robyn. She explained how they’d been involved in a road traffic accident which killed their parents outright. They have no other living relatives because they’re parents were also orphans.

  How fucking ironic and cruel is that?

  Paige also let slip that Callie is still visiting the kids each day. She’s explained to them that she won’t be able to take them to live with her, but she promises to find them the best family.

  Paige didn’t tell me all of that to guilt me, she just wanted me to know that Callie had respected my decision not to take them on. That’s when I asked what time Callie would be visiting and if I could come see them. How could I give the woman I love an outright no when I’ve never met them? How would I know if I could love them unless I meet them?

  So, here I am outside their room with Paige, waiting to meet the children my girl has fallen in love with. “What time will she be here?” I ask.

  “She won’t.” I scrunch my eyes. She told me that Callie comes by every day to visit with them. “She decided this morning that she wouldn’t be back. It’s hurting her too much to see them when she’s only getting more and more attached. I never should have convinced her she could be their mother.” She sighs while folding her arms around herself.

  “The social worker will be by tomorrow to collect them. They’ll be going to a group home during the Christmas period because they can’t find a foster home that can take them yet.”

  “Won’t they be taking them back to Seattle?” From what Paige has told me, these kids were on vacation with their parents here in Oak Springs and on their way home when their car collided with a truck. They were brought here because it was the closest hospital.

  She nods in answer to my question, “First thing. The social worker had wanted to meet with Callie after I sent her the references.”

  “References?”

  “Yeah,” She nods. “I went around town and asked her friends, yours, her parents, sisters, brothers, to give references on Callie and your characters. They were glowing. Marge, the social worker assigned to the kids, was so impressed she told me she’d didn’t see a problem at all with placing the kids with you both after doing a home check. When I told her that Callie wanted to adopted them, she told me with such glowing references the judge was very likely to grant it.” She sighs again.

  I can’t believe she went and did that. Not only had she still not spoken to me about it, but I don’t think she told Callie either. Okay, I get it, she was just trying to find the best home for these children and make Callie’s dream of becoming a mother come true, but she should have spoken to me about it!

  “I told Marge a couple days ago after speaking with Callie that it wouldn’t be possible for her to take them. She was understanding.” She shrugs. “I know you’re not ready to be a father, but I thought you’d grown up enough in the time you were gone to put someone else above yourself for once.”

  “Excuse me?” Cheeky bitch! How dare she speak to me like this?

  “I love you, Sonny, but you can be very selfish where Callie is concerned. She waited five long years for you to come home. She forgave you almost instantly, even after everything she went through. She never asks anybody for anything, she puts everyone before herself. Your happiness means more to her than her own. And I’m not trying to make you feel guilty so you’ll say yes to being their father. But maybe just once you could think about Callie’s happiness and put that before your own. Not everything is as bad as it seems.”

  I feel like a cunt. And I feel that way because she’s right, Callie has always put me first in everything. When’s it her turn to be happy. I know deep down that should I not go for this she’ll still love me, still show me how much I mean to her every damn day. The one thing she wants most in the world is to be a mother. She lost our little girl and grieved alone for five years. It is really too much to ask that I give her this?

  “Let’s go inside, huh?” I nod. I’m ready to meet them. “Just one thing. They’re very timid kids. They’ve lost their parents and don’t quite understand what happened. Callie holds them every time she visits, she sings to them, tells them they’re safe. It took a while for Robyn to come around, she’s not as trusting as Todd. But now that Callie has decided not to see them anymore, they cry a lot. They got attached to her.”

  I nod that I understand.

  She leads me inside and my eyes instantly lock on them. They’re small three-year-olds. Dark haired, cute as a button, wearing matching pajamas, only his are blue, hers are pink. They both also hold matching teddy bears in their little arms, both looking at me in wonder.

  “Callie bought them the pjs and teddy bears.” Figures. “Hey, guy. I’d like you to meet Hudson. Hudson, this is Todd and Robyn.”

  “Hello.” I give them a wave. How dumb is that?!

  Both kids wave their tiny hands at me. The little girl, Robyn, she’s got such a pretty little smile, she hasn’t stopped looking at me yet.

  “She’s looking at you like that because she recognizes you.”

  I look to Paige, “How?” I’ve never met this kid in my life before.

  She stands there smiling in her pale purple scrubs like she knows some big secret. “Callie told them about you, showed them pictures of the two of you together. She did it because she thought you’d be coming here to visit them after she told you. She didn’t want them to be scared.”

  “She’s been visiting them for a week without me.” That came out so fucking childish. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “When she told you about them you weren’t exactly supportive. Give her a break, Hudson.” Fuck!

  A little hand tugs my shirt. I look down at the little girl smiling up at me. She has eyes that could break a man’s heart. I pity her father when she’s older. He’s gonna be killing a few men to keep them away from this beautiful girl. A man could go psycho just to protect his little girl. She may have lost her real father, but one day soon she’ll have a new father, and he’ll love her like she’s his own blood.

  She doesn’t say anything but she lifts her arms up to me. Our eyes are still connected, and I feel like I’ve lost a part of me to her. It’s like she’s some kind of little witch casting a spell over me and I’m bound to love and protect her. God help me.

  “She likes you already.” I hear the smile in Paige’s voice. “Took Callie three days to so much as get Robyn to look at her”

  I block out her voice for a moment and reach for the little witch smiling at me. She’s so fucking light. I rest her against my chest. She looks at me, eyes still locked, and places her hands on my face. I don’t know what she’s looking for. Maybe she’s doing that thing my mom once told me about that kids do. The thing that tells you they’re searching your soul. A child will know a true heart from a deceitful one. They will know if you want to protect them or if you want to hurt them.

  “What are you looking for, little one?” I ask her. Her sweet smile, which I can only explain as cute… Yes, she’s cute, is mesmerizing to me.

  She doesn’t say anything just lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles into my neck. I hold her little body close to me. And I’m feeling something I have never felt in my life before. It’s overwhelming, all consuming. Is this what Callie’s feeling?

  “Where’s Cawie?” He’s cute, still talks like a toddler. How old are kids when they can talk correctly? I have no damn clue about these things.

  “I told you, Todd, Callie…”

  “She’s working,” I tell him while cutting Paige off. “You’ll see her soon.”
Both their little faces light up and Paige is looking at me as if to say, you shouldn’t’ve told them that.

  I’ll tell them whatever I damn well please. They obviously love my Callie, and she loves them, I know that. It’s only been a week and I didn’t understand how she could so soon, but I think I’m starting to understand.

  I spend the entire morning and half the afternoon with them. They’re adorable, and probably the most well-behaved kids I’ve ever met. Robyn is a clingy thing, wont let me put her down until I have no choice but to leave. They beg me to come back and see them again soon, and I’m a fucking goner. There’s no hope for me whatsoever. I’ve lost what little piece of my heart I had left to them, and I know what I have to do.

  “Call their social worker, Paige.”

  “Does this mean?!” She’s practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, her hands pressed under her chin, and her eyes as wide as saucers.

  “Yeah. I want them home in time for Christmas”

  Goodbye old life. Hello kids.

  Nineteen

  Callie

  Thank god I’ve finished my Christmas shopping. It’s the only part of Christmas I hate. But I’m finally done! I’ve had everything gifted wrapped, I just don’t have time to do it myself what with the bakery being so busy. We’re always rushed off our feet this time of year. I even got a little something for Todd and Robyn. I’ll hand their gifts to Paige at Emilee’s tonight. I can’t bring myself to visit them one last time. It hurts too much.

  Emilee is having a party tonight for her and Chase’s friends. There’s a lot of us, but we always manage. It’s sort of become her little tradition to throw a Christmas party the night before Christmas Eve. Hudson and I will be going together, I just need to be ready to leave when he gets home.

  I don’t know what he’s been doing today, unless he’s been sorting the finer details for his business set-up. Hudson has his fingers in a lot of pies, investments and such. He’s opening up a construction company here in town. He’s been working hard on it since he came home. Since he decided he wants us again.

  To be honest, I’ve felt horrible the past few days. Yes, I want Todd and Robyn and I would do anything to make them mine. But I haven’t been fair to Hudson. He’s not ready for children yet and I haven’t taken that in to consideration. All I’ve done is think about how I’m feeling. Actually I was thinking about those babies, but I know deep down they’ll be taken care of. And I will get over this. I will be a mother one day. But for right now, I need to show Hudson that what he and I have is enough for me.

  We’re going to Emilee’s tonight, we’ll have fun, dance, drink. We’re going to spend Christmas together for the first time in five years. But right now, I’m knocking my mothers front door. It’s time we had a talk.

  She opens it with narrow eyes. None of us usually knock, she’s confused as to why I am now. “Can I come in?”

  “This is very formal, Callie. You know you don’t need to ask me that.” I do know that. She holds the door open and I walk inside. This is the house I grew up in. This was my home until six years ago. I had many happy times in this house, many sad ones too.

  The walls are filled with pictures of my siblings and me, even Abigail. Not that my mother has any of her after the age of a year, but they have pride of place on her walls just the same. There’s a huge portrait style picture on the living room wall of my mother and father sitting on a Victorian lounger, my two brother’s standing behind them, Lora and I to the side, me on my mother’s near Kory, Lora on my father’s near Greg. Della is sitting on my fathers lap, Abigail on my mother’s. It’s the only picture we have of the eight of us. Somewhere inside me, I hope it won’t be the last.

  “Can I get you something?”

  My mother’s words draw my eyes away from the photographs and to her line of vision. She’s so beautiful, always dressed in the finest clothes, always wears a necklace and earrings. Her makeup is always light and makes her look younger. My mother is a blonde, just like Kory and Abigail. The rest of us dark like my father. I often wonder what traits I get from the woman who gave birth to me.

  ‘m tired of walking on eggshells where’s she’s concerned, though. I don’t want this feeling inside of me anymore. I want the mother I had as a little girl before Abi was taken. I want her to hold me, to tell me she loves me, that it wasn’t my fault. Because even though I know logically that it wasn’t my fault, she has never told me otherwise.

  “I love you, Mommy.” There, I said it. She blinks rapidly, her face is white. I’ve shocked her. I guess I haven’t said it a lot in my life either. “I’m so sorry for what happened.”

  “What happened?” She’s confused. I don’t see how she can be.

  I’m not here to make her feel guilty, or make myself seem like a victim, I’m not one. Things happened, they didn’t define me. But I need to let go of this guilt before it kills me. If I don’t I will never be able to be free. And I want to be free. Hudson is going to be my husband soon. He may not have asked, but that’s where our life is leading us. It’s what we were destined for. And I would like to enter into marriage without this shadow hanging over me any longer.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t save Abigail, and I’m sorry that I embarrass you with the way I look.” Her mouth is moving but nothing is coming out, but tears are spilling from her eyes. “I’m not saying this to hurt you. But I need some peace, Mom. I can’t go on with this pain and guilt inside of me any longer”

  I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t even see her walking towards me, but I feel her arms around me, holding me close to her slim body so tightly I could just fall asleep in her arms.

  “I am so sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” She sobs down my ear. I just cling to her as tightly as I can. I need my mommy right now. I need her to know how much I love her. I need her to move on with me.

  She strokes the back of my head and tells me, “I have never blamed you for Abigail’s abduction. Jesus, how could I not have know that’s how you felt?”

  Because you distanced yourself from me so far me that I lost you.

  “Don’t you know that you are my world, Callie?” She pulls away from me. “I know I haven’t been the best mother to you,” She cups my face as if I was five-years-old, and it feels… nice. “But I have loved you since before you were born. My first born daughter. I have never been embarrassed of you. Don’t you know how proud I am of you?”

  “But you sent me away.”

  “Oh, baby,” We take a seat on her huge couch, hand in hand, side by side. “You needed help and I didn’t know how to give you that. I sent you to the best place possible because I knew they’d help you there, knew they could give you what I couldn’t right then.”

  That’s true, and I could never say they didn’t help me because they did. Both times.

  “You saved Lora and Della, not to mention Emilee. You almost died doing so. I almost lost you again. I wouldn’t have survived that, Callie.” She gulps back a sob and clasps her hands over her face, hanging her head.

  I’ve never seen my mother like this. Of course, she’s a mother and I can only imagine what it must have felt like for her to see me like that. I know what it was like to lose Jemma, it almost killed me. My mother had her baby stolen from her. She’ll never know if her baby is alive her dead. She will never have any peace of mind. If I had have died that day Dalton attacked me what would it have done to her?

  “I’m sorry, Mommy. I only did what you taught me.”

  Her head shoots up. She’s looking at me with such confusion. “Callie. I’m not upset that you did what you did. You bring me so much pride for the kind and beautiful woman you are. What hurts me is how much you have suffered in your life. Pain I could neither protect you from nor take from you.”

  She turns in her seat and takes my healing face in her hands gently. “You are my baby girl. My beautiful, amazingly kind, selfless, precious girl, and I am so sorry that I’ve made you feel that you are anything but. It’s stops today. I will
never again make you feel anything but my love for you. That I promise you.”

  My chin quivers. Of course I know my mother loves me as much as she loves my siblings, but hearing her words has hit me right in the heart. I have spent the last year telling myself that life is too short to hold grudges, too short not to tell those who mean the most to you just that. I forgave Hudson for what happened between us, and I damn sure know I can forgive my mother.

  “I love you so much, Callie. Don’t you know that?”

  I throw myself into her arms and let her holds me, soothing me, making all of the pain I have felt since Abigail was taken life from my shoulders.

  “It’s okay, baby, mommy’s got you.”

  I sob in her arms for so long I’ve lost track of time. We’re sitting back, her arms around me, my head on her shoulder as she strokes my hair gently. “I love you, Mommy. I don’t want us to be separate the way we have been. I don’t want to be without you.”

  “You will never be without me, Callie. You never have been. Everything I have done I need you to forgive me for. I swear, I will never treat you that way again.” She squeezes me tightly.

  “There’s nothing to forgive, Mom. I’ve always known deep down that you didn’t blame me for what happened to Abi, I blamed myself. I don’t think there’s a day where I won’t.”

  “You were seven-years-old, Callie, there was nothing more you could have done. One day, she will be home with us, and it would devastate her to know you feel this way.” Maybe, but until she is home and I can explain everything to her, I won’t let that part of me go. Only Abigail can free me of that.

  I’ve needed this time with my mother. I know things are going to be different between us from this day forward. But there’s just one more thing I need to ask her. “Why won’t daddy look at me, Mom? Do I disgust him?”

  “Look at me, Callie.” I do. I lift up and look at her. “Your father loves you so much. He could never be disgusted in you. He’s just afraid that if he looks into your eyes he’ll see how badly he failed you.”