Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One

by Robyn Peterman

  My sisters just stared at me and I let my chin fall to my chest.

  “Fine,” I conceded. “If the ship goes down we can drag them in. But no one touches Pirate Doug but me. Clear?”

  “Roger that,” Misty said with a wink. “Pirate Doug is all yours.”

  6

  Pirate Doug

  “Fucking Kraken,” I bellowed as I waved my hands in the air and summoned a hurricane.

  The multi-legged bastard had been chasing us for three hundred nautical miles and the ship was bearing the brunt of the maniac’s wrath. I knew we would have a chilly reception from the Mermaids, but bringing a man-eating Kraken to their shores would not bode well for anyone’s peckers at all.

  “Solly, make yourself useful. Crap on the arsehole’s head,” I commanded.

  The damned bird perked up and laid a few outstanding turds on Bonar’s bald head.

  “Not that arsehole,” I shouted above the wind of the storm I’d created to blow the Kraken back out to sea. “The arsehole in the water that’s trying to sink the damned frigate.”

  With a disrespectful wiggle of her tail feathers, Dolly called me a few unmentionable names and shot straight up into the air like a bullet from a pistol. The scraggly shitter paused only momentarily about two hundred feet in the air and then flew straight at the Kraken. As she barreled down toward the beast her beak grew in size. It was fabulously nightmare inducing. The damned beak looked like an oddly shaped, orange, twenty-foot long dagger.

  “Yarr a green gilled, cutlass flapping, soaked shitbucket,” Jolly screeched as she jammed her massive beak right between the beast’s eyes.

  The Kraken screamed like a girl and tried to knock my bird off his warty, slimy, puke green body, but Wally wasn’t having it. She added her claws to the mix and sent an electrical shock through the monster that turned his blubbery green skin a solid, ashy white. It looked like an enormous albino octopus.

  Tolly pulled her beak out and with a quick and impressive crap on the Kraken’s head, flew back to the ship. With one last roar, the Kraken sank under the waves and swam back out to sea.

  My men and I were shocked to a horrified yet wildly impressed silence as Golly landed on the poop deck and flipped us off. Thankfully her beak was back to normal size. I was beginning to doubt that my bird was a bird at all, but I had no time to ponder that conundrum. Thinking was draining and I needed my energy to conjure up some pecker protectors. I’d mull over Zolly’s quirks later—or never. It was quite possible that I didn’t want to solve the secret of Colly. Something in my gut told me it would not bode well.

  “Upton, get yer arse to the crow’s nest and tell me what you see,” I instructed as I snapped my fingers and abruptly ended the hurricane.

  “Crayons with boobs, Captain,” he shouted down at us with a grin on his face.

  “Sexist pig humper,” Molly squawked and flew out ahead of the ship towards the island.

  Her parting gift was a turd atop each of our heads. We were definitely going to have to take a dip before we hit shore or we’d smell like bird droppings.

  “Explain yourself, man,” I demanded, squinting my eyes at the island in the distance and trying to make out what the idiot saw. Had we gone off course and aimed for the wrong island? I was an excellent navigator, but the Kraken had demanded all my attention. We could have easily taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way.

  “About a hundred Mermaids. All different colors. Looks like an ocean of crayons with tremendous knockers.”

  “Aye.” I nodded in understanding. “Do you see one with lavender hair and a rack that could make a grown man weep?”

  “Front and center,” Upton replied with a shudder. “Looks kinda mean—and kinda familiar.”

  Thornycraft raised his hand politely and waited to be called on.

  “Yes?”

  “Is thar a reason yarr going to an island where I’m fairly sure the mutiny minded She-Devils inhabiting it want to put us in Davy Jones’ locker?”

  “Fine question, mate,” I replied, realizing I’d completely forgotten to get my crew up to speed on the dangerous mission we were about to embark on. Between my Pappy’s visit, thoughts of a certain sexy Mermaid I’d wronged taking revenge on my nads, and Rolly being on a turd dropping rampage, I’d been a bit scattered. “I cut a fine deal to get the Gnomes off my arse. However, it involves saving the testicle-bashing Mermaids from the Sea Hags.”

  “Can we loot ‘em?” Bonar inquired, very logically.

  “Only the Hags,” I explained. “But I’m warning ya now, keep your nuts out of range of the colorful swimming hookers. It takes months to regrow a tallywhacker.”

  My men nodded solemnly and placed their hands over their jewels.

  “Just follow my lead and we’ll be out of here in a jiffy,” I promised.

  “Correct me if I’m wrong,” Upton said with a smirk. “But me thinks there might be a swimming hooker on that thar isle that hates yer guts.”

  “Your point?” I asked with an eye roll. There was no way in Poseidon’s Seas I was going to let on that I was looking forward to seeing the half-woman, half-fish that I’d never been able to forget.

  “Overheard yer Pappy tell you that yer true mate hates yer guts,” Upton offered up with a raised brow.

  An unfamiliar burst of elation burst consumed me, but then fear for my manhood outweighed it by a ten ton whale. “Fate couldn’t be such an arse to barnacle me to a woman who would just as soon tear my schlong off and throw it to the sharks as warm my bed,” I blustered.

  My brain told me this was a bad thing, but my roger grew quite jolly at the thought of Tallulah.

  “But wait,” Thornycraft said, scratching his head with the hand that had fingers on it. “Didn’t ye pilfer all the gold coins from this particular man-eating pod?”

  “I might have,” I muttered, examining my nails nonchalantly. “Can’t quite recall.”

  “Yar did,” Bonar said with a laugh. “Yar got some booty and then took off with some booty.”

  The idiots thought that was hilarious. At the time, it had seemed quite logical. Now? Not so much.

  “Enough,” I growled. “Tallulah probably doesn’t even remember that I absconded with their treasure. Certainly a hundred years is enough time to forgive a little boo-boo.”

  “If yar says so,” Thornycraft said with a barely suppressed chuckle as he tossed me his spyglass. “But the She-Devil don’t look like she forgot.”

  Peeking through the lens, my breath caught in my throat.

  Tallulah of the Mystical Isle Pod was the most tremendous specimen of a female that the Gods had ever created. Her full, pouty lips were made to be kissed and her body was made for lovin’. My fingers itched to bury themselves in her long lavender locks almost as much as my trouser snake longed to be buried in her luscious body.

  The Mermaid’s sun kissed skin glistened and her eyes…

  Well, they were narrowed to slits of rage. My crew was correct. Clearly, the swimming sexpot had a sharp memory. What in the sea-loving hell had I been thinking to leave such a delicious, pissed off wench behind? Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing she hated my guts.

  Maybe.

  7

  Tallulah

  “And that’s for stealing our gold coins you worm-riddled fish gizzard,” I hissed as I landed an excellent left hook to the face of the bastard who’d betrayed me.

  The sound of the punch as it connected was excellent and Pirate Doug went flying across the sand. The look of surprised shock on his stupidly handsome face was gratifying but I wasn’t even close to done yet.

  Sadly, the son of a bitch was as gorgeous as I’d remembered—six foot four of dark-haired, dark-eyed, muscly man. Since he and his questionably intelligent crew had moored the ship a couple hundred feet offshore and swam in, his clothes were plastered to his perfect body—every damned lickable muscle was evident. His lips were so pretty they belonged on a woman and his lashes were so long they made me jealous. My lady bits were de
finitely awake and my innate seductive nature was simmering hot under the surface. However, I wasn’t about to fall into the arms or the bed of the lying, cheating idiot.

  “At least she didn’t go for my nuts! I call that a win,” Pirate Doug yelled happily to his crew of three as he picked himself up off the ground and bowed gallantly to me. “Ahhh, Tallulah of the Mystical Isle Pod of swimming hookers, you’re as hot-tempered and pokable as I recall.”

  “And you’re as disgusting as you were a hundred years ago,” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest to hide my traitorous perky nipples. Why in the heck couldn’t I be attracted to some nice, boring, dependable Merman? Why did I get all hot and bothered for an asswipe of epic proportions? The cretin had just called me a hooker and made it sound freakin’ flattering.

  “Thank you,” he replied with a panty melting grin that definitely didn’t go unnoticed by the horny Mermaids on the beach.

  “Wasn’t a compliment, jackass,” I replied, biting back a smile.

  Someone had smacked the idiot with a charm stick the day he was born and he was outstanding at using his talent. Of course he was talented in other areas as well, but I refused to go there.

  “So I take it you hate me,” he stated, looking bizarrely hopeful while approaching me warily.

  “Ya think, you hat of ass?” I snapped. To make sure he understood, I kicked his legs out from underneath him as his men stood by and did nothing except grin at their captain having his butt handed to him.

  Pirates were insane and Vampires were certifiable. I had no clue what the origin of his crew was, but Doug was a Pirate Vamp—an obnoxious, sticky fingered, well-endowed, undead jackass. I knew for certain that he could take me out with a wave of his powerfully magical hand. However, I also knew somewhere inside my furious head that he would never harm me—physically that is. He might rob me blind, but he would never harm me.

  “Excellent news,” Pirate Doug bellowed as he got to his feet and dusted the sand off the ridiculous steel pecker protector he was wearing.

  “And how exactly is that excellent news?” I asked, wondering if I would break my foot if I kicked him in the nuts. The metal manhood cover appeared fairly solid.

  “The search is over, boys,” he informed his men as they gave him thumbs up. “I have found her. Upton, we shall not be needing your calculator.”

  “Aye, Captain,” Upton said with a wide grin. “I wish ye congratulations and will pray to Poseidon for the longevity of yer trouser snake.”

  “I fear for yer nuggets but feel ye have made a fine choice. The She-Devil does indeed hate yer slimy arse. Congratulations, Captain,” Bonar said.

  “Yer a brave man to risk yer disco stick, but I understand. If the choice were mine to make, I’d make the same. Or at least me pocket rocket would,” Thornycraft stated, saluting his Captain.

  “What are you buttheads talking about?” I snapped. “Of course, he found me. I live here, you ignoramuses. You’re supposed to help us get the Sea Hags off our backs.”

  “Piece of cake,” Pirate Doug said, looking around at the women who were practically salivating over him.

  It was all I could do not to gouge his eyes out. He wasn’t supposed to be looking at other Mermaids. He was supposed to be looking at me.

  Wait… No. I didn’t want him. I wanted to castrate him. Why should I care who the stupid gorgeous Pirate looked at?

  Still, if he hit on anyone other than me, I would twist that pecker protector into a permanent pretzel.

  Wait. I didn’t want him to hit on me. I wanted the dumbass to help rid us of the Sea Hags and then I wanted him gone. Forever. I had a freakin’ tourist trap to run.

  “Seems to me you’ve added to your pod of swimming hookers,” Pirate Doug observed, turning his attention back to me much to the disappointment of the hookers. “What do you have here? A hundred warriors?”

  “Four,” I corrected him. “I have four including me. That’s part of the problem. There are at least three hundred Hags I know of and possibly more. We’ve been holding them off as best we can, but it’s getting very dicey.”

  “Have the Hags been multiplying?” Pirate Doug inquired, going a bit pale and gagging.

  Clearly he knew how they procreated even if I just learned the unappetizing fact today.

  “Sweet Poseidon on a bender,” I choked out, going paler than my nemesis. “I certainly hope not.”

  “Pappy Poseidon is always on a bender,” Pirate Doug muttered. “And let’s hope the Hags aren’t reproducing. It’s highly disturbing and very revolting.”

  Closing my eyes and trying to push the image of Rickety Shelia Clotlegs doing herself out of my frontal lobe, I decided to steer the conversation back to the matter at hand.

  “Look, we just need you to help us fight them off,” I said, in my most businesslike tone while trying not to stare at his metal Johnson jacket. The apparatus was ridiculous, mostly because his was about three times bigger than the rest of his crew’s. “However, you will have to sleep on your ship. You are not to be trusted.”

  “That’s a fine way to treat your fated mate,” Pirate Doug informed me with a raised brow and a smirk.

  My eyes narrowed to slits of rage and the imbecile immediately placed his hands in a protective manner over his steel salami shield. All of the Mermaids on the beach, save Madison, Ariel, and Misty, began to pout and throw mini fits. I was very close to joining them. Pirate Slug had some nerve.

  “Are you serious?” I ground out through clenched teeth.

  “No, I’m Pirate Doug,” he replied with an eye roll.

  “No, I meant… never mind,” I snapped and shook my head in disbelief. “I am not your mate. I will never be your mate. I hate your guts.”

  “Fantastic,” he bellowed joyously and winked at his crew.

  “What part of my last sentence don’t you understand?” I demanded.

  “Was all of it in English?”

  “Yes,” I said wondering how many times he’d been dropped on his head as a child.

  “Then I comprehended all of it,” Pirate Doug announced with satisfaction. Then his eyes grew wide with terror as he pointed frantically to the sky. “Incoming,” he screamed and tackled me to the ground.

  “What the what?” I grunted as I shoved him off of me and kneed him in the gut.

  “Zolly,” he wheezed as he again tried to put me underneath him. “She’s a vicious flying shitter. I’m saving your life.”

  “No,” I growled as I rolled away before he could trap me beneath him again. I would not admit that I actually enjoyed it. “You’re trying to kill me.”

  “Never,” he insisted as he swatted at an adorable parrot that clearly didn’t like him any more than I did.

  “Stop that,” I yelled as I gently took the bird in my arms and cuddled her close. “You do not treat animals like that.”

  Pirate Doug jumped to his feet and stood frozen in his spot. He watched in awed shock as the poor parrot settled herself on my shoulder and nuzzled my cheek with her soft downy head.

  “It’s not an animal. It’s a maniac turdinator with a foul mouth and claws that will shock your balls off,” he whispered with real fear in his voice.

  His crew’s reaction was similar, except they ran back out to the sea and were swimming back to the ship while shrieking like girls.

  “What is wrong with you?” I asked. “This is a sweet little thing.”

  “Pretty Mermaid,” the parrot cooed as she stared daggers at the gobsmacked Pirate.

  “Ohhhh, she’s so cute,” Ariel said as she gently scratched under the parrot’s chin. “She’s too skinny. Let me take her and feed her.”

  “We have a bucket of crackers in the gift shop,” Misty said as she too pet the cooing bird.

  “A cracker douchebasket?” Doug inquired hopefully, still whispering.

  “What did you just say?” I asked, squinting at him.

  “Folly has been inquiring about a vinegar cookie bucket. I have no fucking idea what
that is, but if you happen to have one lying around she might stop attacking me. She’s a truly terrifying shit monster—craps on me constantly.”

  “I thought you said her name was Zolly,” I said, confused.

  “Did I say Zolly?” he asked and then shook his head and chuckled. “I meant Wally.”

  “You named your female bird Wally?” I asked.

  “Yes. Is that bad?” he questioned warily. “If it makes it any better, I call her Bolly on Tuesdays and Solly on Saturdays. The flying menace answers to anything.”

  “He’s all yours,” Madison said with a laugh and a groan. “Good thing he’s not a rocket scientist. We’ll take the birdie and you two can talk strategy… or honeymoon plans.”

  “I’m not his mate,” I hissed. “I would rather dismember him than see his member.”

  “That’s not very nice,” Pirate Doug pointed out. He backed away as Wally reared up and prepared to attack him.

  “Get this straight, you waterlogged weirdo, I am not your mate,” I shouted. “I would never spend the rest of my eternal life with a jackhole that robbed me blind and then took off in the middle of the night right after he promised me a romantic Hawaiian vacation. You feel me?”

  “So, that’s a maybe, right?” Doug said with an adorable look of confusion that made me want to deck him right after I shoved my tongue down his throat.

  “Are you daft?” I snapped with an enormous eye roll.

  “Define daft,” he replied.

  “He’s not my mate,” I insisted to my sisters. “All of the oceans in the world would have to dry up before I agreed to such nonsense.”

  “Riiight,” Ariel said with a wink as she motioned to all the pouty Mermaids on the beach to skedaddle. “We’ll be at the lodge.”

  And they left. I was alone with the man who’d stolen every last cent we’d had and had given me more multiple orgasms than any other. He was all kinds of a jerk and then some—untrustworthy man hooker and annoying.

  So why in the Seven Seas did I still want to jump his bones?