Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One

by Robyn Peterman

  “Not my arse on my backside,” he explained. “As fabulous as it is, the world couldn’t handle more than one. I’m talking about my crew of arses.”

  My lacking in the brains department brother-in-law was referring to his Pirate crew—Bonar, Upton and Thornycraft. And he was correct. They were arses. However, they’d grown on me in the six months they’d been living on the island. They were missing more brain cells than Pirate Doug but they were funny and bizarrely sweet. Understanding them was a slight challenge as they mostly spoke Pirate, but they’d become the brothers I’d never had and never really wanted.

  “They’re on the beach leading the human guests in Sunrise Yoga,” I told him.

  “Sweet Poseidon on a bender in a rum distillery,” Pirate Doug said, paling considerably. “That’s a shite idea. Might be bad for business.”

  “Why?” I asked growing alarmed.

  We’d just reopened our resort. After a drawn out war with the odiferous and toothless Sea Hags, we’d had a lot of rebuilding to do. Even though we now had a truce with the Hags, the damage had been done. We needed paying human guests if we were going to survive in the competitive tourist trap business.

  “Upton is very flexible—can lick his own nards. Not sure that will be an appetizing sight before the morning meal.”

  “Are you fucking kidding?” I shouted, jumping out from behind the front desk and sprinting toward the colorful seashell encrusted archway that led to the beach.

  “No, I’m fucking your sister,” Pirate Doug replied in confusion, running right on my heels.

  “No, I meant… never mind,” I huffed. Trying to explain what one meant to Pirate Doug was a losing proposition that could take weeks or years. Most of us had simply given up.

  I stopped short and sucked in a horrified breath as I came upon a terrifying sight. Upton could indeed lick his nards and was demonstrating proudly, much to the shock of the guests. He was twisted into a position that appeared incredibly painful. A few humans were snapping photos with their phones. We really didn’t need Upton’s face in his bits all over the internet. I was not of the mind that thought all publicity was good publicity. A Pirate with his lips touching his nards was not good publicity.

  “Enough. Take your freakin’ balls out of your mouth,” I shouted. Never in my two hundred years on this Earth had I ever used those words together in a sentence. I covertly aimed a blast of magic directly at the object of Upton’s tongue’s affections.

  Luckily the humans had turned their attention to me and missed the sparkling blue spiral of magic that landed exactly where I sent it. It was a well-known fact that Mermaids and other immortal creatures were gifted in the enchantment department, but it was best that the mortals didn’t actually witness all we could do.

  “Me nards are on fire,” Upton screamed as he sprinted his naked self across the pristine white sand and into the ocean to cool down his balls. “Ariel, yarr a blue haired, cod faced tar stain,” he grunted right before he submerged his flaming testicles in the salty water. “Ye might be pretty to look at, but yarr an evil wench!”

  The only part of his insult he’d gotten correct was my hair color and the fact that I was attractive. All Mermaids aka Sirens were beautiful. We were created by Poseidon to lure innocent men into our traps. That practice was now totally old school. These days the only traps we ran were for tourists and we dated immortal asshats, not innocent men—or at least I did.

  A Mermaid’s hair and eyes were set from birth. My color was blue, Tallulah’s was lavender, Misty’s was emerald green and Madison’s was pink. Each Mermaid’s hair and eyes matched and were unique to them. No two were alike. However, the color of our tails changed with our moods and our fashion choices. Later today when I had time to hit the water my tail would be shimmering black—I was feeling grumpy and Upton’s disgusting contortionist act certainly didn’t help.

  “So sorry about that,” I said to our guests with a smile plastered on my face that I prayed to Poseidon didn’t look fake. “Please come back to the lodge. Breakfast is served—that is if you still have an appetite.”

  A shell-shocked looking group of mortals slowly made their way back to the festive outdoor restaurant at the resort. Upton, having realized he was soaking his injured nut sac in salt water continued to shriek like a girl. Thornycraft, Bonar and Pirate Doug were laughing.

  I wasn’t.

  I really needed a vacation or an adventure… or at the very least, a day off.

  Another day in paradise was sucking the big one.

  “Upton did what?” Madison asked with her eyes squinted at me.

  “Licked his own nuts in front of fourteen paying human guests. Two of them were children. I’m expecting a few lawsuits or at least some therapy bills,” I replied, plopping down on the rainbow velvet couch in the luxurious quarters that I shared with my sisters. It was wildly colorful and eclectic—just like us. Tallulah had moved to her own lovely cottage on the other side of our island with Pirate Doug after they’d mated. This was a very good thing as they tended to be loud.

  “Like put his balls in his mouth?” Misty inquired, trying not to laugh.

  “Yep. And from where I was standing it looked like his nose was stuck in his crack,” I replied with a shudder at the horrifying memory.

  “Pirates are just all kinds of wrong,” Misty said, shaking her head and sitting down next to me. “What are they?”

  “What are who?” Madison asked as she snapped her fingers and conjured up three Pina Coladas. “These are virgin,” she promised as she handed one to me and one to Misty. “Not that a porno exhibition on the beach at seven AM doesn’t merit some rum, but I figured we can start getting soused at lunch.”

  “What exactly are Upton, Thornycraft and Bonar?” Misty repeated as she retrieved a bottle of rum from the stash we kept hidden under the couch. She topped off her own drink and handed me the bottle.

  I took a healthy swig and winced. It was next to impossible for a Mermaid to get seriously drunk, but I was going to try. The day ahead was most certainly going to be filled with mind numbing surprises. Pirate Doug still wanted to have a meeting.

  “According to our sticky fingered brother-in-law, they’re arses,” I said with a giggle as I took another swig.

  “That’s a given,” Madison agreed and took the bottle from my hands. After chugging the remainder of the rum, she hiccupped and giggled. “But what kind of immortal species are they? I know they’re older than dirt. I just don’t have any clue what they are.”

  “Well, Pirate Doug is a Vampire and heir to Poseidon’s throne. I know for sure the arses aren’t Vamps,” Madison said.

  “How?” I asked.

  “No sunscreen,” she replied. “Ol’ Dougie can’t go outside without 100 SPF slathered all over him.”

  “Right,” I said, trying to imagine which kind of creatures the idiots could be. “Well, most animals can lick their nards. You think they’re some sort of shifter?”

  “Possibly,” Misty said. “But in the battle with the Kraken, none of them shifted.”

  “Hmm,” I said. “Maybe their species is better left a mystery. There’s only so much alarming news I can handle today.”

  “Speaking of alarming… does anyone have any idea what Pirate Slug wants to discuss?” Madison asked.

  “Nope,” I said, standing up and wanting to get it over with. “However, if the jackhole suggests we wear Hooter’s uniforms again during work hours, I’ll castrate him.”

  “Here,” Misty said, clapping her hands and producing a dull butter knife.

  “What is this for?” I asked, examining it.

  “For member removal,” she said with a naughty grin. “Our brother-in-law can regenerate his limbs and other stuff. If you’re gonna remove his Johnson, you’re gonna make it hurt.”

  My grin spread wide across my lips.

  I loved my sisters so much.

  Having my own true love like Tallulah did would be awesome, but until that time came all my
love and affection was reserved for my devilishly fabulous sisters.

  Not exactly the perfect situation, but for now it was pretty damned good.

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  Robyn’s Book List

  (in correct reading order)

  HOT DAMNED SERIES

  Fashionably Dead

  Fashionably Dead Down Under

  Hell on Heels

  Fashionably Dead in Diapers

  A Fashionably Dead Christmas

  Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

  Fashionably Dead and Wed

  Fashionably Fanged

  Fashionably Flawed

  A Fashionably Dead Diary

  Fashionably Forever After

  SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES

  Ready to Were

  Some Were in Time

  No Were To Run

  Were Me Out

  MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES

  Switching Hour

  Witch Glitch

  A Witch in Time

  Magically Delicious

  A Tale of Two Witches

  Three’s A Charm

  HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES

  How Hard Can it Be?

  Size Matters

  Cop a Feel

  If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena was helping wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?

  Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.

  About Robyn Peterman

  Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper.

  Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke Zero Cherry with extra ice in a Styrofoam cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.

  A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.

  Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where you can work in your underpants works really well for her. You can leave Robyn a message via the Contact Page and she’ll get back to you as soon as her bizarre life permits! She loves to hear from her fans!

  Visit www.robynpeterman.com for more information.