This Guy Kills Me

by Anlyn Hansell

  “This is Joe’s girlfriend, Jane.” Jane’s head snapped up at the sound of Gary’s voice. Her eyes immediately lifted and locked on the woman. Almost immediately, her vision tunneled.

  Do not embarrass Joe. Don’t embarrass him, look away. Look at her… oh geez, I can’t look at her chest… she stated to herself.

  “Mmmm…Hi.” Her hand immediately reached up to pinch her lips shut with her fingers.

  She was nervous. The woman was nervous. It was on the tip of tongue…Stop staring at her. Look someplace else. She was looking in the mirror, she was…stuffing something – tissue, in her bra. Oh! This was hell…Shut up, Shut UP!

  She noticed the woman’s eyes narrow ever so slightly, assessing Jane thoroughly. The thoughts swirling between them were charged and completely unflattering coming from the other woman’s direction.

  “Moommooomuh,” she blurted through clamped lips.

  “Say what?” the woman asked with a snide laugh.

  A nudge on her chair, definitely courtesy of Joe, caused her eyes to break their hold on the woman’s.

  “She has a sinus infection,” he stated and the ridiculousness of that statement caused a snort to escaped Jane’s nostrils.

  “Oh. Umm, OK?” The woman’s brow was struggling to crunch up but it was evident the feat was impossible, probably courtesy of Botox, Jane surmised cattily.

  “Joanne! Shots!” a male voice boomed out and her head turned automatically before looking back at Joe.

  “We’ll have to catch up.” She gave him a good once over, head to toe before licking her gigantic lips suggestively. “Definitely,” she added before giving him a wink. She did. She winked at Joe. She then gave as small a squint as she sold possibly produce in Jane’s general direction.

  She turned on her stiletto heel and sauntered away before bumping into a chair and righting herself. A small bark of laughter erupted from Jane before her fingers pressed her lips together again.

  “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

  Joe seated himself next to her once again, his dark penetrating gaze focused squarely on her.

  Her immediate response was a quick nod as she pushed away from the table with one hand. Luckily, everyone else at the table was so engrossed in animated conversation, no one really noticed Jane walking toward the back of the room with her fingers still clamping her mouth shut.

  As soon as the bathroom door shut behind her, she freed her lips and leaned back against the door.

  “You wasted twelve thousand dollars and yes, everyone notices that one is bigger than the other, just in case you were wondering. And you want to sleep with Joe. And no, your lips are not sexy, they’re ridiculous. You are ridiculous. Oh my Gawd….” She finally let her breath out in a whoosh and thumped her head back on the door, her entire body relaxing immediately.

  “Excuse me?” she heard from inside one of the stalls before her eyes widened and she immediately turned and grabbed the door handle to make a hasty escape.

  Shutting the door behind her, she stepped into a small hallway off the main room and took a few steps before realization dawned.

  She controlled it. Well, sort of. Her mouth curved into the brightest smile at the thought that somehow, someway she really controlled her mouth for once. Why? Why was that? She thought as she stepped back into the main room. And…holy cow, he was looking at her. All the activity in the room and it was like he only had eyes for her. Is this real? She found herself walking toward him, music started thumping in the background but her body and mind were only focused on one thing. One very sexy thing seated at the table, staring intently at her as she tried to remember how to put one foot in front of the other without face planting in front of everyone. How unnerving. One side of his mouth was curving up, causing her already pounding pulse to hit a new rhythm.

  “What’s that for?” he asked as she carefully folded herself in her chair.

  “What?”

  “That smile.”

  “Oh, that. Well, I guess it’s due to the fact that for the first time in a long time I was actually able to control my mouth,” she stated proudly.

  “You were pinching your lips shut and I think you mooed at her,” he replied deadpan.

  “Yes, well…there was that, but all in all – I think I did well.”

  “Let’s dance,” Gary announced to the now half empty table, causing Jane and Joe to look over at the corner of the room where some of their party had been joined by others on an improvised dance floor. The rest of the group pushed their chairs back and wandered over.

  “Let’s not.” Jane stared at the group as they moved to the thumping beat of a popular song.

  “Sure you don’t want to show off your moves?” she could hear next to her. If she bothered to look at this face, she was sure she would see some sort of sarcastic smirk.

  “I don’t want to make them all jealous,” she stated in mock seriousness before turning her gaze toward him. “Tell me about them,” she nodded her head back toward the bar and the increasingly raucous group.

  “What’s to tell? I think you probably get the drift by now anyway.”

  “Did you ever fight back?”

  “Yeah, but in a subtle way, you know? Well, except for graduation. I guess that wasn’t subtle.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I would disconnect his car battery or put sugar in his gas tank. One time I gave an anonymous tip to the cops that they were having a party, well actually a few times -”

  “What happened at Graduation?”

  “I snuck a picture of Joanne and Tony having sex under the bleachers in the Graduation slide show.” He looked rather pleased with himself.

  “What?!”

  “Yeah, I never admitted to that, but pretty much everyone figured it was me. I joined the Army right after. My Dad was about ready to kill me, right? But I think secretly? He was proud of me.”

  “Wow. Which one is Tony?” She turned her head for a more discreet look.

  “He’s in there somewhere. I’m surprised he hasn’t made it over here yet. In fact, maybe we better leave before this turns ugly.”

  “Are you gonna kick his ass?”

  “Nah, I’m over it. Wanna know something funny?”

  “What?”

  “I had an epiphany in High School; right after a particularly long swirly…I thought it was funny that there would always be this group of huge dudes in the bathroom or wherever they were terrorizing me. I was a buck o’ five in high school and it took a group of them to harass me. Like I was a threat or something. They picked on the weakest kids and it took a group of them. If Tony would catch me in the bathroom and he was alone? He wouldn’t even look at me.”

  “What a pussy.”

  “Jane!”

  “What? I’m drinking…it slipped out.” She shrugged.

  Digital bleating took that moment to announce itself from within the confines of his sport coat.

  “Oh, no. Not that thing. Do not leave me,” she ordered as he fished it out.

  “Just give me -”

  “No.”

  “Jane, just -”

  “No! I’ll go with you. You wanted to leave anyway. Come on,” she spoke with authority, grabbing her coat and placing it over her shoulders.

  “Fine,” he breathed out, pushing away and standing. He gave a slight wave to the rest of the group but they were so engrossed in their dancing, not one of them noticed.

  “Come on,” he stated as they both turned and came face to face with a man. A tall man with broad shoulders, black hair and what would be considered a somewhat handsome face at first glance. His nose was slightly larger than the rest of his features, his eyes were set maybe a bit to close, but he was probably considered good looking to most of the female population, Jane surmised.

  “Is it really you? You don’t even look the same. How ya doin’, Peters?” he asked before his eyes wandered to the right and caught on Jane. “And who’s this? How’s it goin’?” He gave a slight jer
k of his head in Jane’s direction.

  She stared at his throat. Just the sound of his voice led her to believe she would have an absolute field day reading this guy. He didn’t wait for an answer.

  “So what’ve you been up to? I’m into financial consulting now, doing a little investing on the side. Makin’ a killing. How ’bout you?” His chest was puffed out and his tone of voice definitely relayed some kind of posturing.

  “Yeah,” she heard Joe’s voice before a pause. “Making a killing,” he added softly. Jane immediately snorted then coughed to cover it up. If he only knew…

  “So, you live in town or what? Never see you around. Thought you might have moved on or something.”

  “Nope. Still live here.”

  “You didn’t show up to the reunion. I would’ve noticed.” His eyes were now firmly attached to Jane. She made the mistake of glancing up and caught his probing gaze. Almost immediately her vision started to tunnel.

  “You scared I was going to beat the crap out of you or something?” He turned his head to the group standing at the bar before turning back and leveling a glare at Joe. The interruption caused Jane’s eyes to focus clearly once again.

  “Nah, I just decided not to go.”

  “I haven’t forgotten Graduation,” he stated in a grave tone, taking a small step toward Joe.

  “Me either. You deserved it, you made my life hell. I don’t regret it.”

  “So you admit it?”

  “Tony, honey?” Joanne of the inner tube lips was by his side suddenly, grasping onto his arm.

  “This is assface?” Jane blurted.

  “What did she say?” Tony asked, the tone of his voice revealing a mixture of shock and confusion.

  “She asked if you’re a classmate.” Joe gave a swift kick to her foot.

  “No I didn’t. You’re Tony Silvano?” Jane looked up at him defiantly.

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re an asshole,” she stated quite clearly. Jane took a step forward before being hauled back against Joe’s body.

  “I appreciate you defending my honor, but I got this, Killer,” Joe said softly before something warm and soft touched the side of her forehead. His lips. He just planted a little kiss on the side of her head. That small touch caused weird things to happen in her body. A stupid smile spread across her face for a brief moment as she stared straight ahead in a slight daze.

  “You need to get your woman under control,” Tony stated with barely controlled rage.

  “Who the hell are you?” Joanne piped up as she took a step toward Jane.

  Jane’s smile immediately turned downward. Joe moved her body to the side and tucked her back behind him swiftly.

  She poked her head out from behind Joe’s back and immediately caught Tony’s dark eyes. He was…spanking her. Yeah, he was. They were both naked and he was spanking the daylights out of her bare ass – her gigantic bubble of an ass. “My ass isn’t that big, weirdo,” she muttered. His eyes widened ever so slightly.

  “Come on, you have to take the sitter home. They’re not worth it, honey. Let’s just go…” Joanne was tugging at Tony’s arm as he continued to stare at Jane.

  Suddenly her vision changed and a young woman was seated next to her. Her hands folded in her lap, her eyes cast downward shyly. Immediately Jane’s hand reached up and clamped over her mouth.

  “Muhmoomahagh,” she stated before stamping her foot in frustration.

  Shut up! Oh, haven’t you done enough already? Shut the hell up!

  “What?!” Both Joanne and Tony had the strangest expressions on their faces…

  “You wanna say something? Have at it, Babe.” Joe had turned slightly, grasping the hand that held her mouth and gave it a slight tug, freeing her lips.

  “She’s seventeen, you freak. Maybe this time, she’ll let you kiss her? That’s why you always insist on picking her up and driving her home.”

  If Tony’s eyes were big before, they were practically bugged out of his head at this point.

  “What are you talking about? What is she talking about?” Joanne grated out, her head swiveling from Tony to Jane.

  “Cassie – that’s her name. She turns eighteen in a couple of weeks, you’re having a hard time waiting, aren’t you Tony? You’ve been throwing out some subtle hints and she’s been flirting back…”

  Tony’s jaw became slack as it dropped open and he continued stare at Jane in some sort of stupor.

  “Joanne? If I were you, I’d drive Cassie home tonight unless you want to be married to a pedophile,” Jane stated although her eyes were still attached to Tony’s.

  “You bitch! Who…how do you…? What the hell is going on?!” Joanne erupted, her face turning a bright shade of red.

  “All righty, I guess it’s time to go. Joanne, Tony? Pleasure to see you again. Jane? After you,” Joe stated cheerfully as Tony stood still as a statue and Joanne glared up at him. Joe gave a tug to her arm and began leading her toward the front door.

  “And everyone can tell the left one is bigger than the right one! You got fleeced!” Jane announced as Joe gave her a nudge through the open door.

  He continued to walk around the front of the building to the parking lot, depositing her next to the passenger door before hitting the key fob and opening the door for her. It was so difficult reading his expression or lack thereof. The silence didn’t seem to bode well either. He hadn’t said a word during the walk to the car. Maybe he was pissed. Technically, he did tell her to go for it.

  She settled herself in before he closed the door and joined her a brief moment later.

  “I’m sorry,” she stated softly as he turned the key and the engine started. She stared at the folded hands in her lap, expecting the lecture.

  Instead she received silence. That is, until a moment later when a laugh erupted from his throat. She glanced over at him as his shoulders shook and he continued to crack up next to her. A slight smile formed on her lips as he backed the car up and became silent once again before another snort and a laugh erupted from him.

  He drove to the parking lot entrance and turned the vehicle onto the main road before he finally spoke.

  “Oh my God – that was the funniest thing…you are quite possibly the coolest chick, Jane.”

  Her half smile became a full blown grin as she continued to watch his profile.

  “Did you see their faces? Talk about closure, Holy crap, that was the best,” he stated enthusiastically.

  “I thought you were going to be pissed at me,” she admitted, thoroughly relieved at his reaction and slightly giddy from his ‘coolest chick’ comment.

  “Nope.” Was all she received back, but that was Ok. She was still riding a high after his comment. It wasn’t very often she received compliments and coming from him? That made it all the better. She cast a few glances at his profile before settling her eyes ahead. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before he finally spoke again.

  “You better watch yourself now, you pissed him off and his family is Mafia.”

  “What!?!”

  His face was serious as he concentrated on the road ahead.

  “Or so he would like people to think. He used to make comments in High School about his connections. He was so full of shit. What a douchebag.”

  “So he’s not Mafia?” Jane asked cautiously.

  “Hell no, he’s just Italian. I was kidding. If he was Mafia, I would know,” he stated quietly.

  “Why? Wait…are you Mafia?”

  “Me? No, Jane. I’m not Mafia. At least…I don’t think I am.”

  What does that mean?

  “What does that mean?” she blurted. His reply was a slight shrug and a silent dismissal. In fact, he didn’t utter another word the entire trip back to Karen’s house.

  *****

  The house was quiet and dark except for the TV casting flashing light in the hallway from the nurse’s room. He walked her to the spare bedroom but caught her hand as she entered, causing her
to stop and turn.

  “Jane?” her name was a whisper from his lips.

  “Yeah?” she responded softly.

  “For the record…I like the name Jane. It’s pretty.” His eyes were firmly attached to hers causing her breath to catch. If she took a step forward, she could reach up and wrap her hand around the back of his neck and maybe, just maybe he would kiss her back…

  “Besides, my name is Joe. Joe Schmo and Plain Jane. What a pair, huh?” he added gently with a hint of amusement in his voice.

  “Right,” she breathed out, finding her torso leaning into his ever so slightly.

  “Right. Well, you have a good night’s sleep. We’ll leave first thing in morning.” His voice went from somewhat sensuous to practical in the blink of an eye.

  “Oh. Yeah, sure.” She straightened immediately as she mentally punched herself in the head for thinking anything should happen between them. Stupid hormones…

  “And thank you. For tonight. You did great.” His hand made it to her cheek, his palm cupping the side of her face, his thumb brushing the skin lightly causing zings and zaps and firecrackers to explode in her stomach and unfortunately, between her legs. She stood immobile, her breath refusing to leave her mouth as she waited.

  Nothing.

  His hand dropped, but he stared at her a moment longer before he finally turned and walked down the hall toward the living room. Her hand rose up and touched the cheek that was still warm from his touch as she watched his retreating back. Sighing internally, she forced herself to walk into the room and close the door before taking a few steps and flopping onto the bed. Staring at the moonlit ceiling, she took deep breaths and tried to control her hyperactive nerve endings.

  Chapter 10

  “Good morning.”

  Karen was seated at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of her. The young nurse wandered in from a room beyond the kitchen with a load of laundry in her arms. She smiled and uttered her own ‘good morning’ as she wandered past Jane toward the hallway.