Finally, For Me

by Burke, Roseanne

  Scott cleared his throat. "You'll have to pardon my wife. She's an...interesting woman."

  I practically choked on my drink. "I'm sorry?" I set my glass down on the table, wide eyed.

  He smiled warmly. "She's just had it in her head that Ben would be engaged to his ex girlfriend, and she doesn't deal well with change. I'm sure you're a very nice girl, and as long as Ben's happy, I'm happy." He casually brought his drink to his lips, as if he hadn't just dropped a bombshell on me.

  I sat stunned, letting his words soak in. Why hadn't Ben prepared me for this? He had said his mother had always been "distant," and that they "weren't close," but this seemed a bit excessive. I anxiously cleared my throat and took another drink. Relief washed over me as I suddenly saw Ben's handsome face walk in. He pulled the chair next to me out, kissing me gently on the head.

  "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

  I looked at him, pleading with my eyes, don't leave me alone again! He settled into his seat, taking my hand in his. I slowly started to relax. At least he was near me now.

  "Well, now that we're all here and going to behave ourselves, let's eat," said Scott, standing up. "Lacey, since you're the guest of honor, you go first."

  He motioned up to the buffet. "Thanks," I smiled meekly.

  We all stood and filled our plates, another awkward silence in the air. I took my seat, keeping my head down and my eyes on my food. I had zero appetite, but I didn't want to seem ungrateful and give her another reason to hate me.

  "So Paula, did you know Lacey is a nurse at St Mary's?" asked Scott, popping a grape in his mouth.

  I looked up, waiting for her to acknowledge me. She briefly met my eyes then turned back to her food. "That's nice," she said tightly. Her face scrunched as she took a bite of her bagel and lox, trying to tear the fish with her teeth. The sight made me nauseous.

  "She works in the ICU," Ben chimed in. He reached down, squeezing my thigh gently, attempting a smile.

  Silence. I wasn't sure if I should say anything, so I just took a drink.

  "You know what? This is bullshit," said Ben suddenly, tossing his cloth napkin down on the table. I whipped my head around to look at him. Holy shit. "Lacey, I'm so sorry I subjected you to this. Honestly mother, do you have no manners whatsoever?"

  She looked at Ben, her eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

  "You are being incredibly rude. You're not even trying to hide your disdain for her. Which doesn't even make any sense, considering you just met her." Ben's jaw was clenched.

  I reached my hand to his, my attempt at calming him. "No, it's ok. We just got off on the wrong foot, I think," I said quietly. I couldn't bring my eyes away from him.

  "No it's not ok." Ben was fuming. I felt my cheeks burning. I hated being the center of attention in general, let alone for negative reasons.

  Paula sighed. "I'm sorry, I was just so disappointed to hear about your split with Marissa. And now here you are with someone new, it's just a shock, that's all."

  Yet another awkward silence filled the air. I was now completely embarrassed, knowing she would not ever like me no matter what I did or said. Tears welled in my eyes.

  "I'm just going to use the restroom, excuse me," I said quickly, exiting the room as fast as I could. I didn't even know where I was going, I just needed to get out of there.

  I headed down a hallway, peering in open doors, until I found a powder room. I shut the door quickly, and leaned up against the sink, letting the tears fall. Everything had been so perfect, why did Ben have such an awful woman for a mother? Was this something we could overcome? A thousand thoughts filled my head. I literally felt the pressure of them against my forehead, attempting to burst through.

  I looked at myself in the mirror, running my fingers under my eyes, trying to prevent my mascara from running. I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. I heard a gentle knock on the door.

  "Lace, it's me," I heard Ben's voice through the door.

  I took another deep breath and opened it. His eyes were sad and heavy. "I'm so incredibly sorry babe." He stepped in and grabbed me tightly in his arms. "I don't know what her problem is." As good as it felt to be in his arms, I couldn't shake this nasty feeling.

  "I'm not Marissa, that's her problem," I muttered.

  He pulled back, keeping his hands on my arms. "Well she's going to have to get over it. I'm with you. I love you." He looked down at me, his face gentle but full of concern and pain.

  I tried to smile up at him. I knew it wasn't his fault. "I love you too."

  He bent down and kissed me softly. "Let's get out of here." He wrapped his hand around mine, leading me down the hallway.

  I followed him silently toward the front door. "We aren't going to say goodbye?" I asked.

  "I think we've said everything we need to say," he answered, squeezing my hand, leading me out to the car.

  I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as we drove off. For the first time in weeks, doubt creeped into my thoughts.

  ********

  Ben

  I drove back to my apartment, trying to hide how mad I was. I knew my mother would be difficult, but to be flat out rude was a different story. My dad said he had talked to her, why was she still this upset? It seemed all the anxiety I had leading up to this visit was actually warranted. I replayed the conversation I had with my mother in my head:

  "What are you doing?" I asked tightly.

  "What do you mean?" She put her hands on her hips, her gaudy bracelets jingling.

  "You know what I mean. Be nice. I'm really happy with Lacey, isn't that what matters?" I looked at her expectantly.

  "I have been pleasant. I'm sure I'll just have to get to know her. You know I'm not a touchy feely person," she responded, shrugging her shoulders.

  I groaned, realizing this was going nowhere. "Please, she's important to me. Let's go eat." I turned and headed out the door, not waiting for a response.

  Lacey sat in the passenger seat just staring out the window. I needed to fix this, and quick. I hated seeing her upset. I made a quick decision. Instead of turning left to go to our building, I turned right, and headed toward Johnny's. She looked at me, confusion reading across her face.

  "We need a drink," I said, answering her unspoken question.

  She nodded, silently turning back to the window. My heart tugged in my chest.

  I pulled in to an open spot, and we made our way inside. Johnny was behind the bar today.

  "Hey you two, how's it going? he asked with his usual smile. I watched it drop from his face once he realized something was wrong.

  I met Lacey's eyes. "We need a drink, asap. We just tried to have brunch with my parents, and it did not go well." That was a complete understatement.

  "Oh. Ok, what'll it be then?"

  I put my hand on Lacey's back as she climbed onto her stool. "The usual for me," I replied.

  "Apple martini for me," she said, trying to smile. Johnny walked away to make the drinks. "Are we bad for drinking hard liquor before noon on a Sunday?"

  "Nah, it's almost noon, and after what you went through this morning, you get a pass." I was relieved she was finally speaking more than a couple words at a time. I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "You're really incredible, you know that? I'm so sorry again."

  Johnny came back with our drinks. "On the house," he winked. "I'll check back in a bit."

  "Thank you sir," I smiled, then turned back to Lacey. She looked so sad, like the day I first had seen her at Johnny's. "What can I do to cheer you up?"

  She sighed, then turned to face me. Her blue eyes gazed up at mine. "I don't know, I don't even know what to think right now. Did we move too fast? It seems your ex is still a part of your life."

  I sat there stunned. "Lace, no. She's not at all. My mom just needs to move on. I don't think she even really liked Marissa the person, she liked what me ending up with her meant."

  Lacey blinked, urging me to continue.

  I forgot,
she wasn't from around here. I needed to explain further. "Our families have been friends forever, and my mom has always been concerned with image and bullshit like that. Marissa's family is one of the wealthiest here in Forrester, and that's all she cares about."

  She sat quietly, bringing her drink to her lips. After a moment, she responded, "I don't want to come between you and your family."

  Oh my god, that was not the point I had tried to make! "Lacey please, you're not. There's nothing to come between. My mother and I have a rocky relationship at best even without all this. Please, I love you. You are what matters to me." I grabbed her hands in mine, my eyes pleading. I hated the direction this conversation was going.

  "Why didn't you warn me about her? I felt completely ambushed."

  I looked down, ashamed, unsure of how to answer that. Why hadn't I told her? And I had had ample opportunity to do so. "I'm so sorry. I guess I wasn't even expecting her to be that way. I should have told you ahead of time her feelings about my past relationship."

  She visibly cringed. "See, there it is again, your past relationship. It's not that far in the past." She took a large gulp of her drink. "I just want to go, if that's ok. I just need some time to think about things, that's all," she said quietly, her eyes cast downward.

  I didn't know what to say. The last thing I wanted was for her to leave me, but I decided to give her what she wanted. I reluctantly picked up my drink, taking a bigger gulp than I should have. My throat burned, but I didn't care. I set a twenty on the counter, not wanting to abuse Johnny's generosity. She stood up and headed toward the door.

  We drove home in silence, dread invading my thoughts. I literally felt sick to my stomach. We stopped in front of her door. Before she could unlock and go inside, I pulled her to face me.

  "Lacey, I mean it when I say I love you. Yes, we both have a past, but that's exactly what it is, the past. I'm so sorry for what happened this morning, but that's not me. And I know with time, my mother would grow to love you, because you're such an amazing person. And even if she never did, that's her loss, and she's not what matters. It's you and me, that's it. I'll give you whatever time you think you need, but know I'll be upstairs waiting for you. I love you so much."

  I saw tears starting to fill her eyes. I bent down and kissed her, hoping she felt what I felt.

  "I love you too. I just need to recover, that's all. As you know, I just got out of a relationship where I was unhappy, and I really need to focus on doing what's best and what will keep me happy."

  What the hell did that mean? "Do I make you happy?" I held my breath.

  She sighed. "Yes, I'm so happy with you, but family is a big part of a relationship, even if you say it's not. I just need to think, that's all."

  I wanted to argue, but held my tongue. Instead, I kissed her again, and said, "ok. I guess I'll talk to you when you're ready." I turned back toward the elevator. Luckily the car hadn't moved, so the door opened quickly. Behind me, I heard her key turn her lock, and the door close with a thud.

  ********

  Lacey

  Shutting the door was the hardest thing I had ever done. Every fiber of me wanted him to come in and make love to me, but I really needed time to think. I knew I was happy with him, but all his baggage was already proving difficult to deal with. I thought back to being on the beach, just a few weeks ago. I had told myself I wouldn't continue to live at a level of happiness below what I deserved.

  But he does make you happy. Extremely happy. The happiest you've ever been in your life, I argued. But the way that woman had made me feel was the lowest I had ever felt too. It was as if I wasn't even human in her eyes. And I had done nothing to her! That's what got me about the whole situation. And why hadn't he told me about her? What else would he potentially hide from me?

  I walked numbly to my bed, climbing under the blankets, breathing in the scent left over from Ben. God, I missed him already. The tears now flowed from my eyes as I drifted off into a troubled sleep.

  I woke up four hours later, actually feeling somewhat better. I had dreamt about Ben being in a boat, drifting away from me. The waters were rough, and he just sat there, not moving, no expression on his face. I was yelling as hard as I could for him to come back, but the words wouldn't leave my mouth.

  I sat up, trying to think about what that meant. I remembered the anguish I felt, seeing him leave me, and not being able to do anything to stop it. I realized how I felt now, wanting to be with him. What was I doing? Why was I letting go one of the best things that had happened to me in a long time?

  "God damn it Lacey, get out of your fucking head!" I said aloud, bringing my hand to my forehead.

  Here I was again, over-thinking everything. So what if Ben's mother didn't like me? He loved me, and I loved him. That's all that matters.

  I quickly climbed out of bed, and scrambled to the bathroom. I caught sight of myself in the mirror; I looked like a mess. I tried to fix my hair, and reapplied my makeup. A knot tied in my stomach as I thought, what if he changed his mind? What if my little "I need time to think" tantrum scared him off?

  I ran out my front door and pushed the button for the elevator. I rode up in it anxiously and ran to his door. I put my key in and walked quickly through the entryway to the living room. My stomach sank to the floor as I realized what I saw in front of me- Ben sitting on the couch with his ex girlfriend.

  Chapter 22

  Ben

  I walked into my apartment feeling absolutely defeated. There was nothing I could do to convince Lacey that in the grand scheme of things, what happened this morning was just a blip on the radar. I wanted to tell her about the future I pictured with her, getting married, moving into a house, having children. But I had let her go home to "think."

  I sat down on the couch, a familiar feeling setting in. I thought back to after I had gone couch shopping with her, and how I wanted to go down to her apartment then. Instead, I had gone to my parents' for dinner. How ironic, I laughed to myself. I decided I needed to leave to physically stop myself from going to her. Where else to go besides Johnny's?

  I decided to walk there, letting the cool fresh air clear my head. I walked in, heading back to the seat I had been in shortly before. Johnny made his way over.

  "What did you do to my bartender?" he asked jokingly.

  I laughed meekly. "Get me the usual and I'll tell you."

  He quickly made my drink and walked back over. I was grateful the bar was practically empty. I told him what had happened with my mother and Lacey's reaction to everything. He just stood there, listening, nodding. I realized I had already finished my drink.

  "So yeah, that's what's going on." I rested my elbows on the bar, burying my head in my hands.

  Johnny took a long pause before saying, "I'm sorry buddy. I'm sure she'll come around. You guys are just so good together."

  I glanced up at him, smiling. After today's events, it was nice to hear someone supportive of our relationship. "We are, I know we are."

  "To be honest, part of the reason I wanted to hire her was for you." He leaned in over the bar.

  His words stunned me. "What?"

  He grinned sheepishly. "You can ask Shannon, we tried to play matchmaker. It seemed you weren't happy with your relationship. And the first time she came in, she was getting over her breakup. And I saw the way you both looked at each other that night. Don't look so surprised. I have eyes in the back of my head."

  I laughed, letting his words sink in. "Are you serious?"

  "Yeah I'm serious. And Lacey's first night working, when you came in, I pulled Shannon aside so you guys could talk."

  I thought back to that night. I remembered how surprised I was to see the sexy brunette actually working there. "You dog, you." I couldn't help but smile. Well thank you Johnny.

  "The point is, Ben, is that I thought you'd be good together then. But what you guys turned out to be is more than I could've expected."

  "Me too," I said quietly. "I love her."


  He grabbed my empty glass from in front of me. "Another?"

  "Please. I need to pass the time."

  ********

  I sat, talking with Johnny through two more rounds. I was feeling slightly buzzed, or "delightfully tipsy," as Lacey would call it. I decided that I wanted her, no, needed her. I looked down at my watch, four p.m.

  "Well I'm sufficiently buzzed for four o'clock on a Sunday, so I should probably call it quits."

  "Alright, I'll close you out."

  He handed me my tab. "Thank you, for everything," I smiled.

  "You're welcome," he winked. "Now go get her."

  I headed out toward the apartment. I couldn't wait to see her, pull her into my arms, and kiss her. I realized I was practically running home. I decided to stop at my place first to freshen up post three martinis.

  I fiddled with my key in the lock, realizing exactly how buzzed I was. I pushed through the door and jogged toward my bedroom. I almost fell to the floor once I turned the corner and saw into the living room.

  "Hey you." It was Marissa, seated in the loveseat. I think my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.

  "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" I could barely get the words out, I was so confused.

  "I happened upon a key, and wanted to see you. I miss you." She slowly stood up, brushing down her tight blue dress.

  I shook my head. "How did you happen upon a key? What does that even mean?" I felt my blood start boiling. Where did she get the nerve showing up like this?

  "Ok, fine. I promised I wouldn't tell, but I got it from your mother. She had the most interesting story to tell me about this morning." She smirked, slinking toward me.

  My face was burning hot. "Are you fucking kidding me?" How could she have done this? It was one thing to not support Lacey and me, but to try to sabotage us?