“Well there you have it. You weren’t so far gone that any of this was your fault.” Aaron did his best to assure him.
“My blood alcohol was .04, Aaron.” Matt replied.
“Okay, so it was .04. What does that mean? What’s the legal limit?”
“It’s .08, but does it even matter? I had alcohol in my system. It may not be considered illegal by the eyes of the law, but the weather had turned nasty and even that amount meant my ability to operate anything were impaired. Even if only a little, they were still impaired. If I hadn’t had that glass of wine, I might have been able to correct the vehicle before I lost control of it. Lord only knows how many things might have gone differently if I had just said no to that goddamn glass of wine. It was selfish and completely unnecessary.”
“Matt, don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? You yourself said that even the cops said you were within the legal limits.”
“Legal limits don’t mean shit when you’re dealing with black ice, poor visibility, and the life of the man that you love more than anything in this world.”
“Baby, stop.” Aaron urged him. “Jesus, how long have you been blaming yourself like this? There’s no way you could have known what was going to happen. I know you, and you are responsible and would never drive if you thought you couldn’t handle it—”
“Well, I obviously couldn’t!” Matt shouted and then dropped his head in shame before looking back up to Aaron. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shout out at you. It’s not you I’m mad at. I’m mad at me, at the accident, at fate, at these damn doctors. I’m mad that we lost two years.”
“I know. I’m mad for that, too.” Aaron held out his hand. “Come here.”
Matt sniffled and took a few steps forward. “I’m sorry.” He bit his lower lip when it began quivering as a flood of tears streamed down his face.
“Shh…stop that.”
Once he was within reach, Aaron pulled him into a tight hug. For the first time in two years, he wrapped his arms around him. For Matt he knew that it must seem unreal, but for Aaron he felt like he could have done this as recent as yesterday.
“Listen to me,” Aaron whispered in his ear while Matt sobbed, sprinkling tears along his neck. “This wasn’t your fault. It was an accident and no one could have predicted it. You might be good with numbers at work, but you don’t have a crystal ball. There was no way you could have known it was going to happen, much less prevent it.”
Matt tilted his head and dropped his forehead against Aaron’s. “I thought I’d lost you. I never thought I’d get to talk to you again.”
“That’s not true. You knew I’d be back. You knew this wasn’t over. You could have let the doctors convince you to let me go, but you held on to me. You held on to us. You didn’t lose faith. No matter how much you hate yourself for the accident, you seem to forget that we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now if you had given up,” Aaron reminded him.
“I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I love you so much, Aaron. I’ve loved you for so long I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I’ve missed you so much, baby. It’s been so hard being without you. Even though I tried, everything seemed empty. I couldn’t even begin to know how to live without you.”
“And now you don’t have to.” Aaron ignored his headache and achy limbs and cupped Matt’s face in his hands. “I woke up. I’m here now. We’re together. And you won’t have to be without me anymore.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you, too.” Aaron smiled. “But, for the love of all that is good in this world, will you please get me a damn razor? Grizzly Adams I am not.”
Chapter Five
It was approaching eleven o’clock at night when Matt finally pulled into his driveway. He’d spend a couple of hours with Aaron until he started to tire. Matt tried everything he could to keep him awake. He’d turned up the television loud, talked about what was new in the world of sports, and even talked about some of the new goings on in the world of politics.
After a while, both Dr. Prescott and the nursing staff had caught onto his game and pulled him out to the nurses’ station to assure him that all tests looked positive so he had no reason to worry. The anger he felt at the audacity of their statements pissed him off like nothing else. How dare they tell him not to worry? It was that same staff that had insisted Aaron would never wake from his coma. If he’d listened to them, he wouldn’t have even been able to talk to Aaron again.
He gave them a colorful speech about not having too much faith in their abilities—medically speaking, at least—and went back to the room to join Aaron. When he came back in, he found Aaron resting, his eyes shut just as if he was sleeping like all these months that had passed.
An instant terror set in and he raced to Aaron’s bedside. He shook his arm and called his name until his eyes opened. In all his life Matt had never realized what a gift waking up could be. It seemed to be one of those daily tasks that so many took for granted, never fully knowing the enormity of what that one simple thing gave them.
After Aaron woke for the second time that day, Matt worriedly fussed over him. All Aaron could muster was an incoherent mumble about being tired and wanting to sleep. Matt had begrudgingly allowed him to get the rest the hospital staff said he needed, but he wasn’t happy about it. Not in the slightest.
The fear that he’d have to wait another two years before he could talk to him again was one that almost paralyzed him. It was also the reason that he’d stayed by Aaron’s bedside, watching his chest rise and fall with every breath as the machines hooked up to his body provided a rhythmic beep to the otherwise silent room.
The shock of Aaron waking up began to pass, just as his adrenaline did. His mind stopped spinning with a million emotions and finally he started to relax. When he felt the heaviness of his eyelids, he knew there was nothing more he could do until the morning. So with some inner turmoil, he decided to head home to get some much-needed sleep.
He’d kissed Aaron softly on the lips. The gentle touch had caused him to stir in his sleep and turn his head. That simple movement had to be the most wonderful thing he’d seen in a long time. For two years he’d prayed for just such a sight. Now that it was here, he just stared down at him with awe.
Matt walked up the front sidewalk, which led to his porch, and wondered what their future would hold. He’d pushed thoughts of Steve out of his mind the entire time he was with Aaron. Now that he was stepping back into his home, the one he shared with Aaron, the one he’d allowed Steve to be a guest in, he was faced with a dozen conflicting emotions. Most of them left him with more questions than answers, and he had no idea how to handle any of it.
He walked inside and tossed his keys on the kitchen counter. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, he took in several gulps and saw the note on the refrigerator that Steve had left him.
The patient words of an amazing man stared back at him, beckoning him to pick up the phone and call Steve. His confusion wouldn’t allow him to do anything of the sort. He had no idea what he was going to tell Steve. He didn’t even know how he felt about things. The only thing he knew with certainty was that he loved Aaron and now after two years he finally had him back. His feelings for Steve and what they shared just didn’t fit into that equation.
He flipped off the light and made his way toward the bedroom. He’d only been walking down the hall for a second when he saw the light on in his bedroom. He slowed his steps, unsure if he’d left the light on when he’d left earlier. Then he heard the soft exhale of a breath and knew exactly why the light was on. He’d heard that sound many times in the past weeks and knew who it came from.
Steve. Shit, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
Matt walked to the bedroom, dread and dismay filling him as he pushed the partially ajar door all the way open and stepped inside. He found Steve sitting on the bed, boxes surrounded him and memories of his life with Aaron scattered on the comforter.
The boxes. Jesus.
Matt had packed them away a couple of months back and did his best not to think about them. He’d finally decided it was time to get on with his life, with Steve. He had accepted the grim prognosis that the doctors had given him about Aaron’s condition. Instead of wallowing, he had decided to live. He never thought that Aaron would wake up. Not after so much time had passed.
As the quietness loomed between them, Matt looked at the pile of memories lying on the bed. Memories which he’d so easily tucked away into brown cardboard boxes. Guilt, remorse, and sorrow all consumed him.
He finally had back the one thing he’d been praying for. After two years of hoping and keeping the faith. His greatest wish had come true. So why then, he wondered, did he feel so damn awful?
“Don’t you have anything to say?” Steve asked.
Matt could sense the betrayal in his voice. He was hurt and obviously upset. Emotions that he knew Steve was more than entitled to.
“I didn’t expect you to still be here.”
“It sucks when people lay surprises on you that you never saw coming, doesn’t it?” Steve said bitterly.
Matt hung his head and expelled a breath of part exhaustion and part shame. He did his best to gather his thoughts, trying to find the right words to say whatever it was he wanted to say to Steve.
Steve made a sarcastic snicker. “You’re not even going to look at me either?”
Matt looked up at him and said the only two words that he thought were adequate. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
“Steve, I don’t know what—”
“You’re sorry! We’ve been dating for three months and all you can say is you’re sorry? Gee, thanks, Matt. That makes up for everything!” Steve stood up and tossed a photo of Aaron and Matt on the bed.
“I know how you must be feeling, but please try and—” Matt tried to explain, but his words were quickly trampled on by the fierceness of Steve’s anger.
“You think you know how I’m feeling? Umm. No, Matt. I don’t think you do. In fact, I’d be willing to bet good money that you don’t have an inkling how I feel!”
“You’re right.” Matt shook his head. “I don’t know how you’re feeling. And I can only imagine how hurt you are. But you have to know I would never intentionally hurt you. I couldn’t. Not even if I wanted to. I…”
Steve eyed him curiously when his words trailed off. Matt was beyond exhausted, both mentally and physically. The fatigue was causing him to be less aware of the words he chose. He’d almost said the one word he’d been keeping hidden from Steve for the past few weeks. It conveyed an emotion that he couldn’t help but feel, but at the same time knew he had no right to it.
“You…what?” Steve asked him.
“It’s nothing.”
“It must have been something. It was important enough for you to start saying it. So go on and finish it.” He demanded.
“Look, I know there is nothing I can say that will make this better. There are no words that will change what happened tonight. Can’t we just leave it at that? Please?” Matt pleaded with him.
“What happened tonight? Do you honestly think I’m upset with you because your boyfriend woke up from a coma? Just how big of an asshole do you have me pegged for?”
“I didn’t mean—”
“I’m not a horrible person, Matt. The man I’ve been spending all my time with would already know that though. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not the man I thought you were.”
Steve stalked past him and toward the door. Matt grabbed onto his arm and spun him around. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Steve twisted his arm free from Matt’s hold and shouted, “It means that the man I have been falling for wouldn’t have lied to me. At least I didn’t think that he would. Shows what I know though. It would seem no matter how good I am in the kitchen, when it comes to relationships I’m pretty stupid. Because not only have you been lying to me, but I fell in love with you while you were doing it.”
Matt was stunned by Steve’s admission. He knew they’d grown close and he’d hoped that Steve’s feelings for him were as strong as his were for him. That was all before he’d gotten that phone call though. The news that Aaron was awake now had changed everything for Matt. Aaron had been his partner, his truest love for so long that he never thought he’d find love again. The idea that he had and Aaron came back to him was a cruel twist of irony and fate that he couldn’t find a solution for.
Steve shook his head at Matt bitterly with disdain filling his every word. “You’re not going to say a damn word, are you?”
“Don’t do this. Please,” Matt begged him.
“Don’t do this to you? Wow. That’s rich. You have some sort of nerve placing the blame on me, Matt Caynor.”
“You don’t understand.” Matt’s lips were beginning to quiver as he fought against the painful emotions welling up inside of him.
“No, you’re right about that. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how the man that I’ve spent three months making love to could be such a complete and total stranger to me. I’ve misjudged you. But I promise you, it will be the last time.”
“Don’t say that. Please…just…”
“Just what? Quit tripping over your words and say whatever the hell is on your damn mind already! What was it that you didn’t like? The making love part? Sorry, we fucked! Is that better?” Steve’s face was red with anger.
“That’s not what I meant. It was special. You were special. Jesus, you have no idea how much you mean to me.” Matt tried his best to explain the cluster fuck the situation had become.
“Oh yeah, sure. I believe you. Apparently I’m just not special enough to share the truth with. I’m much more of a ‘lie to him’ type of lover, right?”
“Stop it, Steve! Just stop it! It’s not like that. You know it’s not!”
“Do I? I don’t know shit!” Steve marched across the room and pointed toward all the items on the bed. “What I do know is that you had a whole other life before me that you felt necessary to keep a secret. Normally I wouldn’t mind. I mean, your past relationships are in the past. But this one isn’t in the past, is it? It’s awake now, and breathing new life into what it once was.”
“Steve…” Matt shook his head.
“I’m right, aren’t I? I mean you haven’t come right out and said it yet, but I am right. Now that he’s awake, now that you have him back, we’re through, aren’t we?”
“I never wanted this to happen.”
Steve ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “You know that’s not true. I saw what the news of him waking up did to you. You were overcome. You love him.” Steve sniffled and blinked away at his tears. “You love him and deep down inside you had always hoped for this day to come.”
“I…Jesus, what the hell do you want me to say?”
“The truth, Matt.” Steve’s voice softened a little and he took a couple of steps forward before continuing, “For once, just please…tell me the truth.”
Matt looked up at him. His deep and sometimes hypnotic green eyes stared back at him. The anger that filled his words just minutes earlier seemed to be gone. Now there was a pleading in them. Steve wasn’t just asking for the truth, he needed it. And Matt knew that above all else, at the very least, he deserved it.
“Okay. I’m not going to lie to you. I’m glad Aaron woke up. We were together for six years before the accident. We had a life together. A good life. I never would have gotten involved with you if I thought there was a chance he’d wake up. I mean…yeah, I always hoped there was a chance. But, after weeks turned into months, and those months stretched into years, I started to lose faith that he’d ever open his eyes again. I just recently began to start imagining my life without him. It was supposed to be my first step into letting him go.”
“What did you see?” Steve asked him.
“What do you mean?”
“When you start
ed to imagine your life without Aaron. What did you see?”
Matt closed his eyes. Every ounce of strength he had was quickly dwindling away into nothing but a memory. He opened them back up and looked at Steve, wishing he could find the right words to make everything all right for him.
“Do you not know? Or do you not want to tell me?” Steve persisted for an answer.
“No. I know.” Matt raised his hands and cupped the sides of Steve’s face. “I know exactly what I saw. I know who I saw. Baby, I saw you.”
Tears began falling freely from Steve’s eyes. With the ever-growing fatigue that Matt felt, he followed suit and together they stood there staring at one another as tears stained their cheeks.
“I love you,” Steve whispered through trembling lips. “I fell in love with you and I don’t know how to stop.”
“I know. Believe me. I know. I…God help me…I love you, too.” Matt told him.
“This can’t be it,” Steve argued. “We can’t be over. We’ve just begun. There’s so much that I haven’t—”
Matt crushed his lips against Steve’s and swallowed his words. He couldn’t hear them a moment longer. And he needed this kiss, this one final moment for the two of them before they said good-bye forever.
Chapter Six
Just as quick as their lips touched Steve swept his tongue inside Matt’s mouth and began stroking him. Greedily, he wrapped his arms around the man he’d shared the last few months with. Desperately he clung to him, not wanting to let go of something that was so dear to him.
His cock was beginning to swell and he could feel Matt’s hunger building up inside, matching what he already felt. Since the very first kiss, there had always been something different about Matt. The way his taste, his scent, and everything about him acted like an aphrodisiac to his soul. There was never a way to deny Matt, and Steve never even wanted to. Together they were too good.
The past months had gone by in a whirlwind of lust and happiness. He’d fallen in love with Matt. He may not have said the words, but it was true just the same.
When He Woke (Siren Publishing Ménage Everlasting ManLove) Page 5
