Neighbors: A Novel

by Thomas Berger

  Keese couldn't decide whether to eat a second rib. Actually he did not like barbecued spareribs, nor Chinese food, nor tacos, nor much of anything else that Harry had yet revealed. Therefore what he ate now was a question of what he disliked least. But tastes were tastes, and he didn't blame Harry for the selection.

  Nor did he care for rum. Yet he finished what was left in the glass and poured more for himself. Harry had meanwhile freed all the food from its wrappings, and now was arranging the dishes by nationality. The empty cartons and bags had been pushed away as far as they could go, but the counter soon ended at a wall, and the rubbish was elastic: it began to emerge from its compression.

  "Let me get this out of your way," said Keese, and he squeezed the lot together and punched it and rolled it, and he went outside to the garbage cans. When he had made his deposit and turned to come back inside, a pickup truck was rolling silently up his driveway. It stopped and old Greavy got out. Oh-oh, thought Keese.

  But Greavy waved loosely, and when Keese reached him he was grinning amiably.

  "Say," he said, leaning towards Keese and speaking in a confidential tone, "I hear you got a whore here."

  "No," said Keese, "I haven't."

  Greavy frowned. "That's what I heard."

  "You heard wrong."

  "You ain't got a whore here?"

  "No."

  "You wouldn't know where I could find one?"

  "No, I wouldn't."

  Greavy shook his head. "Well, if one shows up, you let me know." He turned, walked back to the pickup truck, got in, and backed down the driveway. He swung around and headed away.

  When Keese returned to the kitchen Harry said: "Greavy wasn't looking for me, was he?"

  "No."

  "I thought for a minute he might think I should pay him for the moving job."

  "It probably wasn't a good idea, going into the city," said Keese. "It never did appeal to Enid. She intended to ask you to rent her a room in this house."

  "I'll be damned," said Harry. "Is that right? Enid's a prize, Earl. I hope you realize that." He worked free from its bonds of gluey cheese a precut triangle of pizza. "Here." He offered this wilting thing to Keese, who shook his head. "No? Have you eaten anything else today, Earl? You've hardly touched these things."

  "They all look delicious, Harry. It's just that I'm off my feed at the moment. It can't hurt me to fast a bit. I've been supposed to lose weight for years. Blood pressure, you know."

  Harry looked horrified. He snatched the glass from Keese's hand. "Then you've had enough of this, my friend! We can't afford to lose you now!"

  "Harry!" Keese protested. "Give me that glass! Rely on me to take care of myself, please." But Harry put the glass in the small of his back and moved away. "All right, then," Keese said, and seized the bottle itself.

  "Oh, come on, Earl, this is no joke."

  Keese was touched. "Gosh, you're serious, aren't you? My condition isn't grave. I'm sorry to have worried you! I've just got a little high blood pressure, really. Supposed to lose a few pounds and do a bit of exercise to be on the safe side. Of course I haven't done either. You know how that goes."

  "Oh, yeah?" Harry asked wryly. "Well, my friend, you're going to fall out three mornings a week from now on for a workout." He approached Keese. "And hand over that bottle."

  Keese said: "You really are a friend, aren't you? I never knew anyone else who cared that much about my health." Moved as he was by Harry's concern, he had no choice but to surrender the rum.

  "Yessir," said Harry, "we're going to get you in shape, Earl." He put the bottle down and looked at the spread of food. "And what a choice to make! There's no nourishment in this junk. I should have got yoghurt and wheat germ and fresh fruit, and fish."

  Ramona entered the kitchen at that point, accompanied by a skulking Baby, whom she took to the door and let out.

  "Hey, food," said she, and came to the counter. She smiled sweetly at Keese. "May I feed you something, Earl?"

  "No," said Harry, "Earl's in training, Ramona. He's not to get any of this trash nor anything alcoholic."

  "Harry's spoiling me," Keese said, his hands rising. "No need for it, but it's flattering."

  "Well," Ramona said, "you're precious to us, Earl. Anything happens to you, what would we do?"

  Hearing this, Keese became apprehensive for the first time in recent hours. Being their friend was well enough, but why had he suddenly become an object of such value?

  "Look," he said, "don't worry about me, either of you. I'm O.K. You're the people with difficulties, I'm sorry to say. It's my fault that your car won't work, so why not borrow mine for the rest of the weekend, anyway? Meanwhile you can decide where you're going from this point. For my part, I'll call a garage in Allenby and get them going on your car."

  "I doubt they can fix it in what remains of the afternoon, Earl," said Harry. "It's five fifteen. And surely they don't work on Sundays. And you'll need transport to the railroad station on Monday morning—"

  "Give me a lift to Allenby now," Keese said, "and I'll rent a car".

  Ramona was eating a jelly doughnut. "Needless expense, old pal!" Harry howled. "I'll be your chauffeur, for free."

  "No," said Keese, "there's no need to bother. You'll have plenty of needs of your own. Maybe you'll have found a new home by then."

  "Don't worry about that," Ramona said. Her mouth was smeared with crimson jelly. "Your interests come first with us."

  "No," Keese said. "I won't hear of it." He marched to the counter where the directory lay, picked it up, and found the car-rental section of the Yellow Pages. He had been prepared to see that Greavy's Garage offered cars for hire locally, and he was not disappointed. He then perused the two listings for Allenby and the adjacent ads for each.

  He dialed the first number. "I'd like to rent a car."

  "We don't do that any more," said the man. "There simply wasn't enough business."

  Keese called the other place. "Sorry," said the woman, "we won't have a free car till a week from next Wednesday. We can't keep up with the business, no matter how many vehicles we put on the road."

  Enid and Elaine came into the kitchen as he hung up.

  "I just offered Earl my services as chauffeur," Harry said to Enid.

  "He's a marvelous driver, Earl," Enid said. She got a plate for herself and some cutlery, and prepared a very tidy arrangement of various Chinese dishes, and when she was done she presented it to Elaine.

  Elaine stared at Keese and said, finally: "You're very lucky, Daddy."

  "In fact," said Harry, "we might look into the costs of taking you all the way into town by car. I'll wager to say it compares favorably with the price of the train ticket. You could ride in comfort, take coffee in a Thermos—"

  "And after dropping you off," Elaine said, "Harry could turn right around and come back here. After all, it's the parking that costs the real money." She began gingerly to eat rice, only a few grains at a time.

  "I can't ask Harry to take a trip like that," Keese said stubbornly. "He's got plenty on his hands, looking for a new place to live." But he wondered whether he might have put too much offensive emphasis on the phrase, and he smiled sweetly at Harry to take the possible edge off.

  "And you can be sure I'll do that, after I have delivered you in town," Harry said triumphantly.

  Keese regretted his moment of doubt. "Actually, with gas and wear and tear it would still be much more expensive than the train," he said firmly.

  "Then he will just take you to the station," Enid said. "So that's settled."

  "But—"

  Ramona drowned Keese out with a strident: "You've been voted down, Earl! From now on you're going to get the V.I.P. treatment whether you want it or not."

  "I think we've got nowhere to go but up," said Elaine, with the disagreeable edge that had become habitual. It seemed an eternity since Keese had thought of her with any approval or pleasure, and yet until the night before he had really given them unconditionally to n
o one else. He supposed that in one way he was freed of certain bonds.

  Enid said: "Earl, why don't you eat something? Everything's O.K., I promise you. You can relax now and enjoy your meal. May I fix your plate?"

  "Just take care of yourself," said Keese. "Don't worry about me. I know what I'm doing." He seized the bottle and turned his back on them, not wishing to be observed while he poured.

  "But do you?" someone asked, he couldn't say who. It was in a feminine voice, but it could have been Harry speaking in falsetto.

  He whirled, splashing himself with rum.

  "How disgusting," said Elaine.

  And Ramona said: "Looks like you bepissed yourself, Earl."

  "I knew someone wouldn't be able to resist making that observation," said Keese. "I'm aware you all think I'm drunk."

  Harry shook a chicken leg at him. "Earl, I thought you weren't going to have any more."

  Ramona howled: "I haven't had any!" She made a dash and grab at Keese's bottle, but he was too quick for her.

  "You're all so superior, aren't you?" he asked. "And yet I'm the only one who earns a living." He lifted the bottle and drank from its throat.

  Harry made a gesture of pain. "Don't talk like that, Earl. You're the Chief!"

  "God almighty," said Ramona, "you're the Big Boss, Earl! Who could forget that for a minute?"

  "Damn right I am," said Keese, waving the bottle. "All this is mine, and I'm responsible for it."

  "We're not arguing," said Harry.

  "But my own family are strangely silent," Keese said. "Do you notice that, Harry?"

  "All right," Harry said to the Keese women, approaching the table where they sat, "let's have an expression of loyalty to Earl."

  Enid shrugged. "Sure," she said.

  Elaine's sullenness was working to a boil, but Harry stuck his finger in her face. "You say something nice to your dad, girlie, or I'll whip your smart little ass."

  Keese got so much satisfaction from witnessing this that he feared he might be too far gone, but with an effort he regained his composure and stated hypocritically: "It doesn't really matter."

  "Sure it does," said Harry. "A man in your situation doesn't have to take any shit from anybody under his own roof." He banged his fist on the table very near Elaine's plate, the food on which sprang into the air in one mass but came down severally and splattered. "Did you hear what I said, missy?"

  "Yessir," said Elaine, showing real fear.

  "Say: 'I apologize, Dad, for being so rude. I owe you everything. Without your help, where would I be?'"

  Elaine complied in a weak voice. Keese's pleasure was gone now.

  "All right," said Harry. "Now say: 'I shall be respectful and obedient in the future, because if I'm not Harry will beat me up.'"

  "Just a moment," said Keese. "This is going beyond a joke."

  Harry threw his hands into the air and backed away from Elaine. "Just as you say, Earl. You won't have to tell me anything twice, I promise you."

  Ramona said submissively: "You won't have to tell me more than once!"

  Keese threw back his head and took a taste of rum. He swallowed and made a face. "I don't like rum," he said.

  "Sorry about that, Earl. I didn't know," said Harry.

  Keese pointed the neck of the bottle at Harry, but he meant all of them. "And I don't care for this kind of food. I want a real meal, and served on a china plate, with a full set of silver and a napkin made of cloth. I don't insist on a bread plate, with a butter knife, but it would be nice."

  Ramona said: "Enid, show me where that stuff is kept."

  "I don't think he means here, Ramona," said Enid. "Besides, we have no food here except this."

  "I should think," said Keese, "that after all I'd gone through, you'd have brought home something better than this."

  "Ignorance, Earl," said Harry. "We mean well, but we don't know enough. That's why we need your help." He put his hands on his hips and looked at the food on the counter. "You're right, of course: this is garbage. I'll bring in a can." He started for the door.

  "Wait a minute," said Keese. "I didn't say throw it away."

  Harry returned. "I don't think we can take most of it back for a refund. Maybe with the pizzas, but certainly not with the tacos."

  "Maybe we could give it to some poor family," said Ramona. "Leave it on their porch anonymously, so as not to hurt their pride, so they wouldn't feel beholden."

  "You know," said Elaine, "you're really a kind person, Ramona."

  Keese drank some more rum.

  "Earl," said Enid, "I won't dwell on this, but hadn't you better go easy?"

  "I need strength," said Keese. "I'm thinking. Harry, am I right in supposing you bought this food with the money I gave you last night?"

  "I'm afraid it required a bit more than that," Harry replied.

  "Do I owe you something?"

  "Forget it, Earl. I want to do my part."

  "I thought you had no money?"

  "A few bucks maybe."

  "He paid by check," said Enid.

  "In Allenby?" asked Keese. "Do they know you there?"

  "People trust me," Harry said, smiling.

  "Well, so do I, in a way," Keese said, and put out his hand. "Let's see it."

  "What?"

  "That checkbook protruding from the back pocket of those new trousers."

  Harry looked for a moment as if he might resist, but apparently he decided otherwise, for he surrendered the checkbook.

  Keese opened it. The checks were imprinted with his own name, followed by his address.

  "I thought it looked like mine," Keese said, "but don't they all?" Then he said to Harry: "They always ask for identification in Allenby. Let's have yours."

  Harry took a billfold from his other back pocket. Keese claimed it as his own. "Unless you have some objection, Harry? It's full of my papers."

  "Oh, it's yours all right, Earl, no doubt about it."

  "You helped yourself during the brief period you occupied our bedroom, no doubt," said Keese, "and you probably got the checkbook from the desk in the living room."

  "Gosh," Harry said, "it'd be hard to say by now. Probably somewhere convenient, that's for sure."

  "Yet," said Keese, "you could have run away with them, but you didn't. You stuck around and bought junk food and a modest shirt and pair of pants. You're an unusual fellow, Harry. Every time I see you as a criminal, by another light you look like a kind of benefactor."

  "Always trying to be a good neighbor, Earl."

  Keese nodded. "I believe you."

  "If you'll lend me your checkbook and driver's license again, I'll go out and get you that real meal you want. That is, I'll buy the ingredients and Ramona will cook them. She kids around a lot, but actually she can be very useful."

  "There's a whole lot of things I can do," said Ramona. "I just need the opportunity. I can even speak some German."

  "I know you can make paper flowers," Elaine said worshipfully. "You told me that."

  "I'm sure you're a valuable person to have around," said Keese. "And no doubt it would be only until you both got on your feet again."

  Enid said: "Do you mean what you are saying, Earl, or is that the liquor speaking?"

  Keese put the bottle on the counter. "Who are you trying to fool?" he asked Enid. "Did you not tell them they could move in here? For all I know, either you or Elaine burned their house down so that they would! I have been aware of your game for ever so long. The only question was what I'd do about it."

  "Gee," said Ramona, "I hope you'll be friendly. I get along best with people who are nice."

  "We hurl ourselves on your mercy, Earl," said Harry. "We're pathetic creatures."

  "Now that," said Keese, "is the ridiculous kind of approach that offends me. You're not helpless at all! You're both young and healthy, and you have a great deal of cunning, whatever additional gifts you may possess, and I'm sure you have many. It's not my business why you want to be parasites but please don't pr
etend you have no other option."

  "We're just a pair of shiftless zanies," said Ramona. "We'd do anything for a chuckle."

  "I want you to know that I admire you enormously," said Elaine, with a grim expression.

  "The essential thing, Earl," said Enid, "is that you go into this with your eyes wide open. You mustn't think you're the victim of a swindle of any kind."

  "Ha!" Keese went to where the food was spread out. The pairs of paper plates, now unstapled, had, it turned out, held a selection of Italian antipasto. He stared at a discolored chunk of tuna fish, poked at an oily green olive. "Bread," he said bitterly. "There's not even a piece of bread amidst all of this! Or a hunk of cheese, a glass of wine. There's nothing basic!"