Holding On

by Allie Everhart

  Becca's yelling and the valet is looking at us, annoyed.

  "Come on." I nudge Becca's arm. "Let's go over there." I point to a bench that's a ways down from the entrance. Once we're there and seated, I say, "You can tell her no."

  "I could, but I'd feel bad doing that, which makes absolutely no sense. I shouldn't feel bad. I didn't do anything wrong. She's the one who left."

  "Maybe she's doing this to reach out to you. Maybe she wants a relationship with you again."

  Becca shrugs. "Doesn't matter. I don't want one with her. When I was younger I did, but now? I don't care if I never see her again."

  "You really mean that?"

  "After what she did, why would I want a relationship with her? When she left, she didn't just hurt Mike and me. She destroyed our dad. He was never the same. He tried to move on, but he never could. Even years later, he wanted her back but she wouldn't even talk to him. And I hate her for that. I hate what she did to him. To all of us."

  "Then tell her no. And don't feel bad about it, or guilty. If that's your decision, then don't doubt it. If you feel this is the right thing to do, then do it, and don't back down."

  "Easier said than done."

  "I know. Believe me, I have a hard time standing up to my parents, but sometimes it's what you have to do."

  And yet I don't do it nearly enough. I let my parents control me more than I should. I guess because it's easier than fighting with them.

  "I know this sounds stupid but part of me feels like I should tell her yes."

  "Why? Because she's your mom?"

  "Yeah. And because..." She swipes her finger under her eye.

  "Because why?"

  She looks down. "Because I want her to love me."

  "Becca." I put my arm around her. "Your mom loves you. She just has a hard time showing it. But that shouldn't impact your decision. You need to do what's best for you, not your mom. You should feel good about this decision, not do it out of obligation."

  She pauses, then says, "I don't want to do it."

  "Then don't. Tell her you don't feel right about it. Or don't even give her an explanation. Just tell her no."

  She takes a breath, then stands up. "Okay. I'm telling her no. If Mike wants to be in the wedding he can, but I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to the wedding. I can't watch my mom marry some other guy knowing how much my dad loved her, even after she left."

  Grabbing my crutches, I stand up. "Let's go back inside. You can tell her, and after that, if things get awkward, we'll leave."

  "We can't leave. I came with Mike."

  "And I came in a cab. It's still here." I point to it in the parking lot. "I paid the guy to wait in case you told me to get lost. If you decide to leave, we'll take the cab back to my place."

  "Why would I tell you to get lost?"

  "Because I told you I'd come here, then changed my mind."

  "But then you showed up."

  "Yeah, but I never should've told you no." I slide her hair back behind her ear. "I needed to be here for you."

  "Aren't you worried about people seeing you and saying stuff to the sports media?"

  "I'm willing to risk it to help you out."

  She smiles. "You're a good guy, Ethan Baxter."

  "I can be." I chuckle. "Other times I can be an ass, which you've witnessed more times than I care to admit." I kiss her. "Let's get back inside before they start looking for us."

  When we return to the table, our food is there. We sit down and Becca says nothing as she places her napkin on her lap. Her brother is quiet too. The five of us eat in uncomfortable silence, the tension so thick it's making me nervous and I'm not even part of this family. I can only imagine how Becca must feel.

  I thought she'd tell her mom her decision as soon as we sat down but instead she's just quietly eating her food. I know she doesn't want to fight with her mom but she needs to stand up for herself and tell her mom no. Or maybe she changed her mind in the short time it took us to walk back to the table.

  In the few conversations we've had about her mom, it's clear Becca still struggles with that relationship. Despite her denying it, there's a part of her that still longs for Sherry to act like a mom, but from what Becca's told me, I don't think Sherry can ever be the mom Becca needs her to be. And if she tried, I wouldn't trust her. I don't know much about Sherry, but in the short time I've spent with her today, I can see she manipulates her kids into doing what she wants, preying on their desire to have their mom back.

  I hate that manipulative shit. At least my parents just come out and tell me what they want. My dad doesn't even hide the fact that he plans to use my future success for his own benefit, making sure to remind me that he's responsible for my success. So yeah, I don't have to guess about my dad's motives, or my mom's. That's one good thing about them.

  After a few minutes, Jim finally breaks the silence. "The pancakes are sure good." He pats his protruding stomach. "Then again, I never met a food I didn't like." He chuckles but nobody laughs with him.

  Sherry dabs her mouth with her napkin. "So Michael, tell me about your new girlfriend."

  "She's a nurse," he says, not looking at Sherry. He seems mad at her. Did something happen while Becca and I were outside?

  "Where does she work?" Sherry asks.

  His eyes remain on his plate. "At the hospital." He shovels some eggs in his mouth. He's been eating really fast, like he's in a hurry to leave.

  Sherry's lips thin, her face tightening. Her kids aren't reacting the way she wants them to and now she's pissed. "Michael, I'm sure you can tell us more than that about the girl. She's a nurse and what else?"

  He finally looks at his mom. "What difference does it make? You don't actually care. You're just making conversation."

  Becca stares at her brother, a look of shock on her face. She told me Mike never fights with their mom, but from his raised voice and curt tone, I sense a fight is coming. Or maybe it already happened while I was outside with Becca.

  "Mikey, don't use that tone with me," Sherry says. "I was simply curious about this new girl. You seem quite enamored with her."

  "How could you do that?" Mike spits out as he glares across the table at Sherry.

  "Do what?" Becca asks, her eyes bouncing between Sherry and Mike.

  "Do you want to tell her or should I?" Mike asks.

  "Hold on a minute," Jim says, sounding nervous. "This is getting out of hand. Let's just forget I even mentioned it. We're here to celebrate our engagement. There's no need to fight."

  "Stay out of it," Mike says.

  "What's going on?" Becca asks. "What are you guys talking about?"

  Sherry sighs. "While you were outside, we were discussing Jim's sons, Brady and Kurt. They're twins and both freshmen in college and—"

  "She paid for them," Mike blurts out.

  "What?" Becca's brows draw together in confusion. "What do you mean she paid for them? Paid for what?"

  "Their college tuition," Mike says.

  Sherry sighs again. "Not all of it. Just a small portion. And only because Jim had a medical hardship last year and had to use some of the boys' college fund to help pay his bills."

  "You paid for their college?" Becca blurts out in a voice so loud that the people at the next table look over.

  "Becca, keep your voice down," Sherry scolds.

  "I would if I wasn't so damn angry." Becca slams her fork on the table. "You seriously paid tuition for two kids who aren't even yours but wouldn't even offer me a dime for nursing school?"

  "You never asked me for help."

  "I shouldn't have had to. You knew I had no money. I lived out of my car for almost a month and could barely eat."

  She lived out of her car? She never told me that, but that's not surprising. I'm finding Becca's one of those people who rarely complains or feels sorry for herself. Like now, she's stuck working two shitty jobs and yet she never seems down or depressed or talks about how hard she has it. She just keeps going with a smile on h
er face.

  "If you'd asked," Sherry says, "I would've helped you out."

  "No you wouldn't," Mike says, shoving his plate aside. "Because Becca doesn't have anything to offer you, at least nothing you want. You gave money to Jim's sons because you wanted him to marry you."

  "Stop it, Michael," Sherry bites out. "You don't know what you're talking about."

  "And it worked, didn't it?" he asks. "You paid their tuition and got an engagement ring."

  "That had nothing to do with it," Jim says. "Sherry was just being kind. I needed some help and she generously offered to contribute to their tuition."

  "Yet she didn't offer to help her own daughter. Is that really the type of person you want to marry?"

  "Michael!" Sherry throws her napkin on the table.

  He looks at his mom. "Why are you even with this guy if he can't afford his kids' tuition? I thought you only dated guys with money. That's why you left Dad, isn't it? Because he wasn't rich enough?"

  "Michael, stop it right now! You're being rude and disrespectful."

  "Fine." He pushes his chair back. "I'll leave.

  "Wait." Becca holds his arm as she says to her mom, "Tell me why. Why would you help two strangers instead of your own daughter?"

  "They're not strangers. They're my future stepsons."

  "But they're not yours. I'm..." Becca's voice cracks and I see her eyes tearing up.

  "Let's go," I tell her as I get up from my chair, grabbing my crutches.

  Becca remains seated, talking to her mom. "I'm your daughter. Why wouldn't you help me? You knew how much I struggled after Dad died." A couple tears stream down her cheeks. "I needed you."

  Sherry says nothing. Neither does Jim. The two of them just sit there like stone statues, cold and lifeless.

  Mike pulls out Becca's chair. "Becca, c'mon."

  She nods and finally gets up and the three of us walk back to the hotel entrance. I wave at the taxi driver, signaling him to go. He nods and I follow Becca and Mike to their van. Maybe I shouldn't be going with them. This is a family thing, but Becca's not telling me to go and I don't want to leave her right now.

  "I can't fucking believe that," Mike says as he drives away. I'm in the back seat and Becca is up front next to Mike. He reaches over and squeezes her hand. "I'm sorry, Becca. I keep sticking up for Mom, trying to give her a chance to make things right, but then she does this and..." He shakes his head. "It just shows she'll never change."

  Becca sniffles. "What school?"

  "It doesn't matter," Mike says.

  "Just tell me. What school?"

  He hesitates, then sighs. "University of Chicago."

  She breaks down crying. I don't get it. Why would the mention of that school make her cry?

  "Becca." I reach up and rub her shoulder. I want to comfort her but it's awkward with her brother here. He had his eye on me all through brunch, like he wanted to punch me for dating his sister.

  She continues to quietly cry, turning her head toward the side window so I can't see her.

  We stop at an intersection and Mike looks back at me. "She wanted to go to the University of Chicago. She was accepted but our dad couldn't afford it."

  Shit. I didn't know that. She never mentioned it. She seemed happy about her decision to go to community college, but I guess that was just Becca trying to stay positive, like she always does.

  "I'm sorry, Becca," I say, leaning forward toward her seat.

  She just nods, sniffling.

  "I need to know where you live," Mike says to me.

  I don't want him to drop me off. I don't want to leave Becca like this.

  "Hey." I gently squeeze her shoulder. "Do you want me to stay? Or you could come to my place."

  "I don't think that's a good idea," Mike says, glancing at me in the rear view mirror.

  "Becca," I say, ignoring Mike.

  She turns toward me and wipes her eyes. I hate seeing her hurting like this. I want to hold her in my arms until she feels better.

  She sniffles. "Okay."

  "Okay, what?" Mike asks, looking at her.

  "I'm going to Ethan's house," she tells him. "Drive home and then I'll take the van."

  "Becca, we need to talk," he says.

  "Why? What's there to say? Mom has a new family. New kids. That was her choice. There's nothing we can do about that."

  "That doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it."

  "I'm done talking about her. If you want to keep seeing her and talking to her, that's up to you, but I'm done. Today was the last straw. I can't do this anymore."

  He doesn't respond, his eyes on the road as he turns into their apartment building. He pulls up to the front and puts the van in park, leaving the engine running. He looks at Becca. "Call me later."

  "I will." She waits for him to get out, then moves to the driver's side and takes off just as I was about to open the door.

  "I was going to get in front," I say, sitting back in my seat.

  "Oh." She lets a laugh. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. Just pretend I'm your cabbie."

  "You're a damn hot cabbie. Usually I get fat, bald guys who haven't showered in days."

  She laughs again. It's good to hear her laugh. That's the Becca I know. The sweet, happy girl who brightens my day the moment I see her. Even just thinking about her lightens the dark moods I find myself in when I'm stuck alone in that house, feeling lost and unsure of myself.

  When we reach my house, she opens the van door and I step out with my crutches. We go inside and she kisses me before we can even make it to the couch. She pulls me closer, pressing her body against mine. It's clear what she wants, but doing that now, when she's sad and vulnerable, doesn't feel right.

  In the past, that wouldn't have mattered to me. Sex is sex and if a girl is willing and ready, there's no way I'd tell her no. But with Becca it's different. I don't want her doing this as a way to escape her feelings about what happened. When we're together, I want it to be about us, and only us, which means I need to tell her no.

  I can't believe I'm about to do this. I've never once turned down sex. But it's the right thing to do. For Becca. The girl I've fallen hard for in just a few short weeks. The girl I'm starting to love.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Becca

  I'm kissing Ethan but he's not kissing me back. Instead, he pulls away.

  "What's wrong?" I ask.

  "I can't do this."

  My already shattered heart shatters even more at his words. He's breaking up with me? And he picks now to do it? What the hell is wrong with him?

  I shove him away. "You asshole!"

  "What?" He sounds hurt. "What do mean? I just don't think it's the right time. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just trying to be a decent guy."

  "Wait." I tilt my head. "What are we talking about here?"

  "Sex. I don't think it's a good idea to have sex right now. You're sad and angry about your mom and it just doesn't feel right."

  "Oh." I look down at the floor. He's right. As much as I want him right now, my reasoning for it is wrong. I'm trying to escape my feelings with sex and using Ethan to do it.

  "What did you think I meant?"

  I look at him. "I thought you were breaking up with me. Not that we're actually going out, but you know what I mean."

  He extends his arms to me, still holding himself up on the crutches. "Come here."

  Stepping up to him, I reach around his chest and hug him. As his arms go around me, I take a moment to finally breathe. My chest has been tight since I saw my mom this morning, but now, in Ethan's arms, I start to relax.

  He holds me there until the tension in my body leaves and I pull away.

  "Let's go sit down," he says.

  We go to the couch and he turns to me, holding my hand. "First of all, we ARE going out. I thought I made that clear to you."

  I shrug. "Not really. I thought we agreed this was just for the summer."

  "You may have agreed to that, but I didn't. I told y
ou I wanted this to continue. I like you, Becca, and I don't want to stop seeing you."

  "But once school starts and you—"

  "That has nothing to do with us."

  "Things will change. You'll be back with your friends. Back on the team. Even if you don't play, you'll still be at practice and at the games. And you'll go to parties and girls will be hanging all over you. Wanting you."

  "I only want one girl. And she's sitting right here."

  "You don't mean that."

  "Then why did I say it?" His lips turn up.

  "Because you know it's what I want to hear?"

  He gets serious again. "That's not why. It's because I mean it. Nothing's going to change once school starts. You're my girlfriend and you'll be with me when I go to games and parties and whatever else."

  "I will?" I smile. "Is that an order?"

  "It is." He smiles back. "So don't fight me on it."

  I glance down at our joined hands. "It won't be the same, Ethan. I know you want it to be, but it won't. Your future is laid out for you and there's no room for someone like me in it."

  "Says who?"

  My eyes meet up with his. "I'm just being realistic. Your leg will heal and you'll start training again and things will go back to how they were. You'll be Ethan Baxter, the football star. First round draft pick. Future millionaire. On TV. Hanging out with celebrities. I don't fit in that world. I never will."

  "Okay, slow down." He turns my face back to his. "You've basically just planned out my whole future for me, which I haven't even done. I don't even know if I'll be able to play football again." He sees the doubt on my face and says, "Yeah, there's a good chance I will, but it's not a hundred percent."

  "Whether you play football or not, you're still leaving after you graduate. We're headed down different paths. I knew that when we started dating so I never planned for this to go beyond the summer."

  He leans back and crosses his arms over his chest. "Then why don't we just end this right now?" He sounds angry. "If you're already planning for this to end, then why keep it going?"

  My chest tightens like it did earlier, but this time it's because of the thought of losing Ethan. It's not what I want. Not at all. I have feelings for him, strong feelings that almost feel like love. So the thought of letting him go? It hurts. But like I said, I'm just being realistic. I'm not part of his world and never will be.