Holding On

by Allie Everhart

  She nods. "He's better now. And back here for good, thank God. I hated it when he was over there. He's all I have left for family and I was so afraid I'd lose him."

  Becca doesn't consider her mom her family. She hasn't talked to her since that day we had brunch. I doubt she'll ever talk to her again.

  "I'm only telling you this," she says, "because I thought it might help you. The only reason Mike's been able to move on from what happened is because he talks about it with people who've been through it. He said he started the podcast to help other veterans but I think it was also to help himself." She takes a breath. "I guess what I'm saying is that I'm here for you if you want to talk about that night, and if not, then please, talk to someone about it. If you don't, you'll just keep replaying it in your head. Blaming yourself when you shouldn't."

  Becca is the only one in my life who even mentions the accident. Everyone else avoids the topic. Pretends it didn't happen. I don't blame them. It's uncomfortable to talk about and they probably assume I don't want to. And it's true, I don't. I wish I could because maybe Becca's right. Maybe talking about it would help stop the memories. But I can't. I won't.

  "I'd rather not," I tell her. "Talk about it."

  She looks at me and I see the frustration on her face. She's trying to help me and I appreciate that, but I don't want her help. Not with this. I just need time. Eventually I'll get past this.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Becca

  Ethan shut down again. He's been doing that a lot lately. A few weeks ago, I thought we were making progress. He told me about that call from Kasey's sister and opened up to me about the guilt he still feels over what happened that night. But since then, he hasn't told me much. Whenever the topic of the accident comes up, or anything related to it, he shuts down.

  He's just like Mike that way. I can't even ask Mike a question about the night he lost his leg. He shuts down whenever the topic comes up, like Ethan did just now.

  "I missed you last night," Ethan says, leaning in to kiss me as his hand grips my ass, sliding me closer.

  "Ethan, there are people right outside."

  "Who are drunk off their asses and don't give a shit what we're doing in here."

  "But—"

  He quiets me with his lips, then his tongue, as his hand slides up my thigh, under my dress.

  So I guess we're done talking. Ethan was right. We can't just talk when we're in bed together.

  We do it, but keep it quick, then go back out to the party. People are now paired up, making out on the patio and on the lawn furniture. There's a girl for every guy and it makes me wonder if Jackson planned that or if it just worked out that way.

  Cami is with Jackson, straddling his lap, grinding against his crotch while she kisses him. It's something they should be doing in private, not out here on the patio, but both of them seem too drunk to care.

  "Maybe I'll just toss some sleeping bags out here and everyone can stay the night," Ethan says, assessing the scene.

  "You have sixteen sleeping bags?"

  "No, but some of these people are drunk enough that I could probably give them a towel and they'd think it's a sleeping bag."

  "I think it's better if I take them home."

  "Let's take the liquor inside." He goes to gather the bottles from the patio table. "They'll sober up if this isn't around."

  When we get to the kitchen, he starts emptying what's left in each bottle, pouring it down the drain.

  "You staying with me tonight?" Ethan asks as I dump the empty bottles into the recycle bin.

  "Probably not. But I can stop by here tomorrow if you want."

  "Stay with me." He takes a bottle from my hand and places it on the counter. "I like it when you sleep with me."

  "I like it too but I don't want it to become a habit."

  "Why not?"

  "Because school's starting soon and you need to get back to your routine."

  "What routine? When school starts, I'll go to bed and get up, just like I do now. Nothing's gonna change, Becca. I'll still want you beside me every night."

  As much as I want to believe him, I don't. I know things will change once school starts. His classes, friends, and football will occupy all his time. And I don't want to see him only at night. Only for sex. The sex is great but if we keep dating beyond the summer, I'll eventually want more than that. I already do want more than that, but I keep telling myself I don't because I know this isn't going to last.

  "Will you stay?" Ethan asks as he kisses my neck. He knows I get weak when he does that. I'll agree to most anything.

  "Okay, I'll stay," I tell him.

  He looks at me and smiles. "That was easy."

  "Don't get used to it. That's not going to work forever."

  "We'll see about that." He smirks, then goes to kiss me but my phone rings.

  I check to see who's calling. It's Tricia. Why the hell would she call me? She knows I can't stand her after what she did to Mike.

  "I have to get this," I say to Ethan, then I answer the call. "What do you want?" I don't bother being polite. She doesn't deserve that.

  "Becca, it's Tricia. How have you been?"

  Is she serious? She's acting like we're friends. We've never been friends. Even when she dated Mike, I didn't like her. I was only nice to her for Mike's sake.

  "Why are you calling me? I don't want to talk to you and neither does Mike."

  "Becca, you don't understand. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle—"

  "If you love someone, you learn to handle it." I bite out the words, furious with her and the fact that she's trying to justify what she did, as if it was somehow okay.

  "It's more complicated than that. You don't know what he was like when he got back. It was like he was someone else."

  "He was injured and dealing with what happened that night. And I do know what he was like because I went to live with him right after you left."

  "You did?"

  "Yeah. I live with him now. We share an apartment, not that it's any of your business."

  "I didn't know." Her voice quiets to almost a whisper. "He hasn't talked to me since I left."

  "Have you called him?"

  "A few times. I've left messages but he won't call me back."

  Mike didn't tell me that, probably because he knows it would make me mad. I'm surprised he told me about that text she sent.

  "He doesn't want to talk to you. He's trying to move on."

  "Does he have someone else?"

  "You don't get to know that. You don't get to know anything about him. You left him, which means you don't get to know about his life anymore."

  "I just want to talk to him. We were together all those years and then—"

  "And then you walked out on him. And he's finally moving on so you need to leave him alone. He's been through enough. He doesn't need you coming back into his life."

  "Becca, please. Just ask him to call me."

  "I'm not doing that. And you need to stop calling him. And me. Leave us alone." I hang up on her.

  "Who was that?" Ethan asks.

  "Tricia. Mike's ex-fiancé. She took off right after he moved here. He'd been in the hospital for months and when he finally got out, he moved in with her and a few weeks later she took off."

  "Shit, that's harsh."

  "That's Tricia. She only cares about herself."

  "So that's why you moved in with him? Because she left?"

  "He needed someone to help take care of him and he needed money. He couldn't pay rent." I glance at the clock. It's almost midnight. "I need to get home and talk to Mike. Let's go load the drunk people in the van."

  "They can just sleep it off. I took their keys and we took away the alcohol. In a few hours, they'll sober up. If not, they can crash on the lawn."

  "Ethan, really, I don't mind taking people home."

  "I'll go make the offer and see what they say." We go outside and Ethan shuts the music off and says, "Party's over. If you want to g
o home, Becca will drop you off. Otherwise, you're crashing here for the night. Nobody's driving drunk."

  Everyone ignores him. They're too busy making out to care.

  "Guess they're staying," he says to me. "So you coming back after you talk to Mike?"

  "No. I'm gonna stay at my place tonight."

  "Okay." He kisses me. "Call me when you get home so I know you made it."

  "Okay, bye."

  I hurry home and find Mike and Heather snuggled up on the couch, watching TV.

  "Hey," I say, announcing myself.

  "Hey," Mike says, looking back at me. "You're actually sleeping here tonight?"

  "Hi, Becca," Heather says, smiling at me. I don't even know her and I already like her better than Tricia.

  "Hi. So, um...Mike, can I talk to you for a minute?"

  "I should get going," Heather says to him. "I have to be up early for work."

  "Yeah, okay." He walks her to the door. I hide in the kitchen as he tells her goodbye.

  "So what's going on?" Mike asks, joining me at the kitchen table. "You have a fight with Ethan?"

  "No. But I was just over there and while I was there, Tricia called."

  His body stiffens and he sits up straighter. "What did she want?"

  "She said she's been calling you. Leaving you messages. Why didn't you tell me?"

  "Because you didn't need to know, and I knew telling you would just upset you."

  "You didn't call her back, right?"

  "I was going to, but no. I decided not to."

  "Well, she's not giving up. She called to ask if I'd talk you into calling her back."

  "Why? What does she have to say?"

  "She wants to know how you're doing. I told her it's none of her business and then I told her to leave you alone." I look him in the eye. "You can't call her. I know you want to, but you just need to ignore her. She had her chance with you and she blew it. And in the process she ruined my—" I stop, wishing I hadn't said that.

  "Ruined your life," Mike mutters, looking down the table.

  "No, that's not what I meant. I just—"

  "It's okay. I know what Tricia did changed your plans. That's the main reason why I won't call her. I can handle her hurting me, but the fact that this ended up involving you, ruining your life, pisses me off. I'm having a hard time forgiving her for that."

  "It didn't ruin my life. It just changed the course of it for awhile. And I'm okay with that."

  Actually, I'm not okay with it but I'm not letting Mike take any of the blame for this. I'm not letting him feel guilty. My having to leave nursing school and move here is all because of Tricia and what she did. It's not Mike's fault.

  "What else did she say?"

  "That was it. I didn't give her a chance to say anymore. I hung up on her."

  "Becca," he says, shaking his head. "You could've at least said goodbye."

  "Why? She doesn't deserve a goodbye. She didn't give you one. She just left." I pause. "Promise me you won't call her."

  "I won't." He doesn't look at me as he says it, his eyes going to the salt shaker that's between us. He picks it up and taps it lightly on the table.

  "Mike, I mean it. Don't call her. You have Heather now. You don't need Tricia. You never did. She was never right for you."

  "Heather and I aren't serious."

  "You're not?"

  "No." He sets the salt shaker down. "We're both getting over people. She was engaged too. The guy got cold feet and took off right before the wedding."

  "But you've been spending the night there. I thought it was getting serious."

  "We're comforting each other. Meeting each other's needs. That's all it is. I mean, I like her. I like her a lot. But I can't be in a serious relationship with her, or anyone, when part of me is still hung up on Tricia."

  "Why can't you just let her go?" I raise my voice, my anger building. I'm angry at Tricia, and angry at my brother for still having feelings for her. "Mike, she treated you like shit. How can you feel anything for her after that?"

  "I was with her since high school. I know we spent some time apart but, still, she was my first love, and I was hers. I'd planned to have a life with her. A family. And then she was gone. You don't just get over that in a few months."

  "Tricia did."

  He looks down.

  "Mike, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to be honest. She took off when you needed her the most. That tells you what kind of person she is. You're better off without her. There's no use hanging onto those feelings."

  "It's not that simple. If you ever break up with someone you love, you'll see it's not that easy to get over them."

  His comment makes me think of Ethan. If we break up, how will I feel? I don't want to think about it so maybe that's my answer. It would hurt. A lot. And I'd miss him. So I don't want to think about it.

  I'm starting to understand how Mike feels. I've only dated Ethan for a little over a month but the thought of losing him has me feeling anxious and sad. Mike was with Tricia for years, so yeah, it's gotta be tough, even if their break-up was for the best.

  I know this thing with Ethan won't last so what am I doing? Why do I keep getting closer to him? I'm only setting myself up to be hurt.

  "Do you ever wish you'd never met her?" I ask.

  "Tricia?"

  "Yeah. I mean, if you'd never met her, you could've dated other people all those years. Found someone better."

  He shakes his head. "Life doesn't work that way. You can't avoid being hurt. It's a part of falling in love. It's a risk you have to take. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Look at Heather and me. We're both hurting right now but we haven't given up on love. We've both accepted that our last relationships just weren't meant to be. At this point, we're not ready to fall in love again but it could happen without us even knowing it. That's how it works. You meet someone, and over time you develop feelings. It isn't planned and you can't stop it. At the time, I thought Tricia was the one, and we had a lot of good years. I don't regret being with her."

  "I don't want to be hurt like that."

  "Like I said, you can't avoid it." He pauses, his eyes on me. "You love Ethan, don't you?"

  I let out a laugh. "No. We're just dating for the summer. That's it."

  "He's ending it after the summer? He told you that?"

  "No. I told HIM that. He wants us to keep dating."

  "Then why don't you?"

  "Because it has to end. Once he's back in school, he won't have time for me."

  "If he wants to be with you, he'll make time."

  "Maybe, but it'll never work. We're both heading in different directions."

  "You'll make it work if it's what you both want."

  "I'm not sure I want it."

  "Why? Because you're afraid of getting hurt?"

  I sit back in my chair. "How did this turn into a conversation about me? It's supposed to be about you." I check the clock. "It's late. I need to get to bed."

  "Then go to bed." He smiles. "We'll talk about how much you love Ethan some other time."

  I laugh. "I don't love him."

  "You think you'll get married here or somewhere else? This isn't really our home so—"

  "Okay, stop," I say, still laughing. "I am not in love with Ethan and I am definitely not marrying him."

  "Stranger things have happened," he says as I walk away.

  Me marry Ethan? Why would Mike even say that? He knows I have no interest in getting married. Not after seeing what happened to my dad. He devoted his life to my mom and then she just took off. Just like Tricia. At least Tricia took off before the marriage.

  After witnessing those relationship disasters, I've decided I'm fine being single my whole life. Or maybe I'll live with someone. But marriage? No way.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Ethan

  I wake up at ten, my arm searching the bed for Becca, but then I remember she's not here. I find my phone on the nightstand to call her. B
ut just as I'm about to, another call comes in. I don't recognize the number.

  "Hello?"

  "Ethan? Ethan Baxter?"

  "Yeah, who's this?"

  "Lisa Canfield, Kasey and Emily's mom. I'm sorry to bother you but Emily just told me she'd called you."

  "Um, yeah. A few weeks ago."

  "I'm sorry she did that. It wasn't appropriate."

  "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

  "She's been having such a hard time since losing Kasey. We all have."

  The pain in her voice slices through me like a knife. Fuck, it hurts.

  I did this. I took her daughter away. And now her whole family is suffering.

  "I'm so sorry," I say. "I know that doesn't help, but I really am sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through."

  "I feel the same way about you. I've been worried about you, Ethan. I can't imagine how horrific it was to be trapped there with..." Her voice cracks and I hear her quietly sobbing.

  Shit. What do I do? What do I say?

  She sniffles. "Forgive me. I don't mean to break down. It's just whenever I think of that night..."

  "I know. Me too." I rub my hand over my face and feel wetness. Tears. I quickly wipe them away.

  "If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know."

  Do for ME? Is she serious? I'm the reason her daughter is dead. If anything, I should be doing something for HER, and I would if I knew what to do. I'd do anything to take her pain away.

  "I don't want to take up your time," she says. "I just wanted to let you know that I've talked to Emily and she won't be calling you again."

  "Really, it's fine. Don't worry about it." I pause, remembering that call with Emily and how she couldn't stop crying. "Is she doing any better?"

  "Unfortunately, no. We have her in counseling but it doesn't seem to help. Every night, she cries herself to sleep. Emily loved Kasey so much. We all did." Her voice cracks and I hear her quietly crying.

  God, I can't take this. It's too much. But I can't just hang up.

  "I should go." She sniffles. "Take care, Ethan."

  She ends the call but I can't get the sound of her crying out of my head. A mother's cry over the loss of her child has gotta be the worst kind ever. The agony in her voice. I'll never forget it.