Holding On

by Allie Everhart

  "Us. This relationship. I'm done."

  "Becca, no. Don't say that. It's not done. I just need time to work things out."

  "Work what out? What's going on?"

  "It's hard to explain, and honestly I don't want to."

  "Which is why this will never work." She pauses and her eyes go to mine. "I need honesty, Ethan. I need you to trust me, but you don't. So I don't want to keep doing this."

  My heart's racing. I'm panicking, not sure what to do. I've never been dumped before. What do I say? How do I fix this? This can't be the end. How did this happen? We have one fight and it's over? No. I can't accept that.

  "Get out," Becca says.

  "Becca, let's just talk this out."

  "We already did and you had nothing to say. If you don't trust me enough to tell me what's bothering you, then forget it. I don't want this anymore. We're done. Now leave. Before I get Mike out here to throw you out."

  "Becca," I plead.

  "Go. Now."

  I slowly turn on my crutches and hear the door close and lock as I make my way down the hall to the elevator. When I get to the parking lot, I get my phone out to call a cab but then notice Jackson's car pulling up beside me.

  He rolls the window down. "Get in."

  "What are you still doing here?"

  "I knew she wouldn't take you back. I told you it takes a few times."

  "It's gonna take more than that," I mutter.

  What have I done? Becca was the one bright light in an otherwise dark existence that started the moment I woke up at the hospital. From that moment on, I was suffocating from the grief, the guilt, thinking I'd always feel that way. But then Becca came into my life and for the first time, I started to feel better.

  And now she's gone. I screwed up one too many times. I thought she'd forgive me. But now? I don't think she will.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Becca

  When I get to work, I slam my purse on the table in the break room, still beyond furious with Ethan. He's so completely clueless. He kicks me out of his house, then doesn't even bother to call me and just shows up with flowers, assuming I'll forgive him?

  Well, he's wrong. That was his last chance and he blew it. I'm done forgiving him. I've done it far too many times and I'm not doing it again. If he had opened up to me, explained what was wrong, then yes, maybe I would've forgiven him. But he didn't do that. Instead he refused to tell me what's bothering him because he doesn't trust me. And what's a relationship without trust? Nothing. Which means my relationship with Ethan is over.

  "What's wrong?" Tina asks, turning away from the mirror where she was fixing her hair.

  "Ethan. That's what's wrong."

  "What'd he do?" she asks, as she watches me fight with my apron, which I put on inside out and am now trying to correct.

  "He kicked me out of his house. AGAIN!" I stop messing with my apron and look at her. "That was the third time he's kicked me out of his house. I'm his freaking girlfriend! I was about to have sex with him! And he kicks me out!"

  "Why?"

  I toss my hands in the air. "Who the hell knows? He won't tell me! He keeps everything a big secret so I never know what's going on with him. One minute he's sweet and kind and the next he's quiet and moody, or yelling at me. And he won't tell me why. I hate it. I can't be with someone like that."

  "So now what?"

  "I broke up with him."

  "Like for good?"

  "Yes. I'm done. This is a deal breaker. If he doesn't trust me enough to tell me stuff, then we're done." I fumble with the strings of my apron, attempting to tie them.

  "Isn't that a little extreme?" She leans back against the wall, her arms crossed in front of her.

  "Extreme? He kicked me out of his house!"

  "Maybe he just needed some space. You guys have been spending a lot of time together."

  "You're taking his side? Seriously?" I yank on my apron strings, which are now all knotted up because I tied them wrong.

  "Okay, calm down." Tina comes over and takes my hands away from my apron and looks at me. "Ethan's a guy. Guys do stupid things. Really stupid things. That's the first thing you need to know. Second is that guys don't like to talk about stuff, even with their girlfriends. That's not unusual. It's frustrating, but not unusual. And lastly, Ethan wouldn't tell you to leave just to hurt you. From the way you talk about him, it sounds like he really cares about you. And I know you care about him."

  "I do, but I still don't want to date him."

  "You don't mean that."

  "Yeah. I do."

  "Becca, didn't you hear anything I just said?"

  "Yes. And I get that guys don't like to talk. Getting Mike to talk is nearly impossible. But whatever is bothering Ethan is affecting our relationship, so he needs to at least give me a clue as to what's going on." I shake my head. "Scratch that. It's over. There IS no relationship. I'm done with this. It was only supposed to be a summer fling, anyway."

  "So you're giving up a great guy, a guy who cares about you, because you're too stubborn to forgive him?"

  "I've forgiven him a million times!" I yell, then take a breath to calm down. "I'm tired of it. I'm tired of always having to back down when he does this stuff. It's not like it helps anything. I forgive him and then he does it again."

  She rests her hand on my shoulder. "You sure this is what you want?"

  I nod, but honestly, it's not what I want. My heart is breaking knowing it's over. Knowing I won't see Ethan again. But it's for the best. We can't go on this way. I won't be treated like this.

  "I think you should give him another chance," she says.

  "I've already given him enough chances. I can't keep doing this."

  "But you love him."

  "For the last time, I do not love him."

  "Last time?" She stands back. "That's the first time I've said that."

  "Oh. Yeah. Mike was the one who said that. I forgot."

  "Mike said you loved Ethan?"

  "Yeah." I roll my eyes. "Can you believe that? He was just joking around."

  "Mike would never say that unless he meant it."

  "He didn't mean it. He was just teasing me."

  "I don't think he was. I don't know Mike that well but I know him enough to know that he wouldn't joke about something like that."

  "You weren't there when he said it. He said it in a joking way."

  "Because he's uncomfortable with you being in love. He said it to see how you'd react. To see if he's right. And if you reacted the way you did just now when I said it, then you confirmed it. You love Ethan."

  "I have to go," I say, walking out of the break room. "I have to check my tables."

  She follows me through the kitchen. "You gonna be all right?"

  I stop and turn to her. "I'm fine. It was just a summer fling with a hot football player. I knew it wouldn't last. I never intended it to."

  She gives me a sad frown but there's nothing to be sad about. Okay, yeah, part of me feels sad, but that's only because I've spent so much time with Ethan. I admit I'll miss seeing him, but I'll get over it.

  Ethan calls and texts at least ten times during my shift but I delete all his messages. He had his chance to talk, multiple chances, and he chose not to.

  When I get home just after midnight, I find the apartment filled with flowers. There must be at least a dozen bouquets, all arranged in vases. The flowers he gave me earlier are still sitting on the kitchen table, wilting from not being in water.

  "You want to explain this?" Mike asks, getting up from the couch.

  "They're from Ethan. I broke up with him and he wants to get back together."

  "What happened? Why'd you break up with him?"

  "He wouldn't talk to me." I open the fridge and grab the gallon of milk.

  "And?" Mike asks, clearly thinking the no-talking thing isn't that big of a deal. Makes sense. He's just like Ethan that way.

  "And then he told me to leave." I grab a bowl and pour myself some c
ereal. "I went to his house yesterday to see him and he was acting weird so I asked him what's wrong but he wouldn't tell me."

  "So you pushed him to talk."

  "Yes, but he wouldn't. And then he told me to leave." I pour the milk over my cereal. "This isn't the first time this has happened. This is a pattern in our relationship and I'm tired of it. In fact, he's kicked me out two other times. Granted, we weren't dating all of those times, but still. The point is, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me what's bothering him and that's a problem."

  Mike sits down at the table. "Sometimes guys have a hard time talking about stuff."

  "I knew you'd say that." I remain standing, eating my cereal. "You're just like Ethan that way. You never tell me anything."

  "That's not true. I tell you stuff all the time."

  "Not personal stuff, like what you were going through after Tricia left or what happened the night you lost your leg."

  "The stuff with Tricia is something I needed to deal with myself. You don't know all the history between her and me and I don't want you to. You don't need to know. And as for what happened overseas, I don't want you knowing that either." He motions to the table. "Sit down."

  I reluctantly go to the table and sit across from him, setting my cereal bowl down. "What?"

  "Guys aren't the same as girls. We can't always share stuff like you girls do. Sometimes we have to keep it to ourselves, think about it in our heads. That's just how we're made. We don't talk about shit."

  "I know that, but Ethan and I are close. We've already talked about stuff. Personal stuff. So I don't know why he's holding back now."

  "Because he's not ready to talk. If he's already opened up to you about other things, then you should be happy about that. It means he really likes you. Maybe even loves you."

  "He doesn't love me," I mutter, swirling my spoon around my cereal.

  "You sure about that?" He holds up the bouquet of flowers that's on the table. "A guy doesn't send this many flowers to a girl unless he's crazy about her. You know how much this must've cost him?"

  "He's rich. His parents give him money."

  "He didn't have to do this, Becca."

  "Now you're on his side too?" I drop my spoon in the bowl. "Why is nobody on my side? First Tina, then you?"

  He smiles. "Maybe because we know you tend to be a little impulsive."

  "Impulsive?" I huff. "I'm not impulsive."

  "Then call it something else, but the truth is, you tend to overreact when something or someone pisses you off. You're not great at giving second chances."

  "Are you kidding?" I burst from my chair. "I have given Ethan not one, not two, but at LEAST three chances after he's acted like a complete asshole. You, of all people, as my protective older brother, should be the last person telling me to give Ethan another chance."

  "Then don't take him back, if that's really what you want. I'm just saying that maybe it'd be good to take some time to cool off instead of just giving up on him."

  "Why are you pushing me to be with him? When I first started seeing him, you kept telling me to stay away from him."

  "That was before I saw how happy he makes you."

  "He doesn't make me happy," I scoff. "I was just delirious from all the great—" I stop before I say 'sex'.

  Mike's staring at me. "Okay, I didn't need to know that. On second thought, maybe it's best if you stay away from him."

  "I wasn't going to say—" I quit before I dig myself even deeper. "Never mind. Going back to your point, I admit that Ethan does kinda sorta make me happy."

  "Kinda sorta?" Mike smiles. "Like the way you kinda sorta like cookie dough ice cream?"

  I love cookie dough ice cream. Worship it. Adore it. I could eat it at every meal. Every day.

  "It's not that type of like," I insist.

  "And yet when you talk about Ethan, you look as happy as you do when you dish up a bowl of cookie dough ice cream."

  "That's not true."

  "You're right. You look even happier when you talk about Ethan."

  I roll my eyes. "I need to get to bed." I take my bowl to the sink.

  "There's more flowers in your room."

  I turn back to Mike. "Are you serious?"

  "At least ten dozen. Maybe more. I lost count."

  I sigh. "This is ridiculous. We're over. I'm not taking him back. There was never any future for us anyway. He needs to accept that and move on."

  When I go in my bedroom, I find vases of roses scattered everywhere; my dresser, the nightstand, my desk, the floor.

  My phone dings and I see another text from Ethan. Did you get home safe? Let me know.

  He always does that on the nights I don't go over there. He always checks that I made it home safe after work. But he shouldn't be doing it anymore. We're done. It's over.

  I'm tempted to text him back, but then I stop myself and set my phone on the nightstand. As I'm changing out of my uniform, my phone dings. I check it. It's another text from Ethan. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I miss you.

  I miss him too and it's only been a day. But it'll get better. It's always hard right after a breakup. Then time goes on and eventually you forget about the person. Except I don't think I'll ever forget about Ethan. There was something different about him. Something I hadn't felt before.

  ***

  Over the next few days, Ethan continues to call and text but I stick to my guns and don't call or text him back. If I did, I might agree to see him again and I can't do that. We'll just end up at the same place and then I'll have to go through this all over again.

  On Wednesday afternoon, as I'm getting ready for work, someone rings the doorbell. Assuming it's Ethan, I make Mike answer while I remain in my bedroom.

  "Becca, you have a visitor," he yells from the living room.

  What the hell? Mike knows I'm not talking to Ethan.

  "Becca." My bedroom door opens and Mike's standing there. "Some guy's here to see you."

  "What guy?" I say, getting up from my bed.

  "Jackson Hurd. Running back for Laytham. You know him?"

  "Yeah. He's Ethan's friend."

  So now Ethan's sending his buddy over to talk to me? Great.

  I sigh and walk to the living room. Jackson is sitting on the couch, looking at his phone.

  "Hey, Jackson." I sit at the other end of the couch. "How's it going?"

  "Not bad." He puts his phone away. "How's it going with you?"

  "Fine." I glance at the clock. "I have to leave soon for work."

  "Yeah, I know." He turns toward me. "So, um, I heard you and Ethan haven't really been talking."

  "Because we broke up," I point out.

  "Yeah. About that. Any chance you'd consider getting back together with him?"

  "He sent you here to talk me into getting back together with him?" I ask, annoyed. "He couldn't even bother to show up himself?"

  "He didn't send me. I came on my own. And according to him, he's already shown up here, several times, and you've turned him away. In fact, I don't think you even answered the door."

  "Jackson, I don't want to get into this with you. Ethan and I just aren't good together. It's as simple as that. We're not getting back together."

  "You're wrong."

  My brows rise. "Excuse me?"

  "You and Ethan ARE good together. Before he met you, he wouldn't call his friends. Wouldn't leave the house. Wouldn't talk to Coach. I don't think he even threw the football once from the time of the accident until just a couple weeks ago. For Ethan, that's serious. The guy lives to throw a football. It's what he loves to do and he's damn good at it."

  "Then he should be doing that instead of trying to get me back. The season is starting soon. He needs to be focusing on football."

  "I agree, but he won't do it. We were supposed to train together today but he didn't show up. When I went over there, he was on the couch playing video games. I tried to talk to him but he just stared at the TV, like I wasn't even there."

  "He doe
s the same thing to me. That's why I broke up with him. He won't talk to me. He doesn't trust me."

  "It's not about that. He DOES trust you. He just has a hard time opening up. He's always been that way."

  "And that's fine if that's who he is, but I can't date someone like that. Ethan's moods are all over the place. One minute he's happy and the next he's sad or angry or wants to be left alone. I'd be okay with that if he explained what's bothering him, but he doesn't. And then he takes his anger out on me, which I refuse to put up with. I won't be treated that way."

  He gets up. "Then I guess I don't have anything else to say." He walks to the door. "See you around."

  It's clear he's angry with me but I'm not giving in out of guilt. Nothing has changed. Jackson's comments just confirmed that Ethan won't open up to me. He's not able to. It's just not him. So I have to move on.

  The next day, Lois goes to clean Ethan's house instead of me. She's back in town and it was perfect timing. I didn't want to go to Ethan's house, and if Lois hadn't shown up, I knew my manager would make me go there, given the company's rules about consistency in cleaning staff. But since Lois was the one originally assigned there, she was told to go back. I could've asked to take her place since I've been going there this whole time, but I didn't because I couldn't handle seeing Ethan. It's too hard. I miss him. A lot. Seeing him would hurt too much, and then he'd try to get me back and I'd be tempted to give in.

  So it's better if Lois goes. Besides, he likes Lois.

  Right at two, when I'd normally be cleaning Ethan's house, a text pops up. Why aren't you here?

  I almost respond but then don't. He knows why I'm not there.

  He sends another text. I'm sending her away. I'm calling your boss and requesting you.

  No! I text back. Don't! I'll get in trouble.

  I need to talk to you, he texts back.

  There's nothing to say.

  Please, Becca. Don't be this way. This can't be the end.

  You knew it wasn't going to last.

  I never said that. You did.

  I exhale in frustration. Why is he doing this to me? Why can't he just accept that it's over?

  And why did I text him back? Dammit! I set my phone down, then hear it ringing. I check and see it's Ethan calling. I send it to voicemail. Then my phone dings.