The Secret Love of a Gentleman

by Jane Lark

  He glanced at her through his dark eyelashes and smiled as she slipped her foot back into her shoe. Then he sat upright, pulling his legs out of reach, but his gaze hovered on her as he lay the king of spades.

  “Damn you, you have it again.” Drew threw away the knave of diamonds.

  Rob gathered up their cards and pushed them across the table to her. Her fingers touched his when she took them and the contact lanced through her in a spiral, twisting down through her stomach.

  She longed for more than kisses. It had been a long time since she’d shared Albert’s bed and Rob was to leave in three days.

  The house would feel empty when he’d gone, and she would be alone in her rooms and feel like a parasite once more.

  She would not urge him to stay, she had told herself that a dozen times. He had a life to lead. She could not trap him here. But she longed to lay with him just once, to know how it would feel to lay with him. To have a memory to keep. It had been too long since she’d experienced the bliss of a marriage bed.

  But what then?

  She thrust the thought aside. She refused to think of consequence. He’d taught her that she could do what she wished.

  I am not a virgin. What harm would there be in it?

  “Caro,” Drew prompted, “your turn.”

  Her attention focused on the cards he and Rob had laid. She chose one that unfortunately Mary beat. It was the first trick they’d lost. Caro smiled apologetically at Rob. He’d been watching her.

  Mary and Drew celebrated their victory by Drew leaning across the table and pulling her over for a kiss.

  Chapter 14

  Rob was seated at the breakfast table, answering Drew’s numerous questions on his plans, but he kept glancing at Caro. He could not help himself. He was leaving tomorrow. “I have a letter confirming they are expecting me at Pembroke House.” He took a deep breath when Drew nodded at his answer.

  A part of him did not wish to leave, and yet he could hardly stay, and he did not even wish to, really. His friends were already in London, his life would begin there. His own life, not the one funded by his father or his brother. He’d shared his desire to go into politics with his friends and they’d all pledged to support him. When he went to London he intended to recruit them to help him find a parliamentary seat he might have a chance of winning, and then he would use them to help his campaign to persuade the local men to vote for him.

  Yet now there was Caro to leave behind…

  She had not looked at him this morning

  His heart thumped as he watched her drink a sip of chocolate.

  “I used to live in rooms in the Albany. They were nothing fancy, but they were suitable. I can give you a letter of introduction if you wish?”

  Rob looked at Drew and laughed. “And a letter from you would obtain me entry… Forgive me, but as I recall you were heavily in debt and behind on your payments. I do not think your reference would help.”

  Drew laughed too. “Perhaps not.”

  Caro chose another roll and began buttering it, as though she was not even aware of the conversation.

  Rob was to initially stay in John’s London property, but from there he intended to search for an apartment suitable for a bachelor. He did not really wish to stay at John’s, living on even more of John’s largesse, but when he was there at least he would have the house to himself.

  Five weeks ago he’d been excited. Yet now there was Caro… Confusion marred the exuberance he ought to feel, and guilt rested heavily in his stomach. It was a tug of war. He did not wish to leave her, yet he did not wish to stay, and there was no option in between.

  He hoped he had not hurt her. The numerous apologies and forgiveness they’d shared ran through his head.

  He hoped she understood.

  “I could ask my friends to help you find somewhere if you wish?”

  Rob sighed and looked back at Drew. He liked Drew; he thought of him as a brother, but Rob did not need mollycoddling. That was what he wished to escape.

  “Thank you for the offer, but I am one and twenty. I am capable of finding somewhere to live. I will manage on my own, just as well as you did at my age.”

  Drew laughed again. “Sorry, it is just you are Mary’s little brother and you seem like mine. But at your age I suppose I would not have welcomed anyone’s intrusion either. Yet if you need us we are only a couple of hours away, and you may visit whenever you wish. You need not even give us a warning.”

  Rob smiled as if he were grateful, yet he would not come here, not now, because he had let himself become too close to Caro. He could not simply visit.

  “Caro.” He looked at her. “Do you wish to ride out somewhere today?” He should speak to her. He should apologise again and say a private goodbye.

  “It is a bit hot for the horses,” Drew commented, “They’ll be run ragged in yards. It’s too humid. You should have gone earlier.”

  “But we can ride out directly after tea, in the late afternoon. It will be cooler by then.” Rob kept his gaze on Caro.

  She did not look up.

  “Caro? What do you say, do you wish to go?”

  Her gaze finally lifted and her eyes were gold. “Yes. That would be nice.”

  He gave her a conciliatory smile, then beckoned the butler to poor him more coffee.

  ~

  Caro watched Rob beckon the butler. It was his last day.

  Her heart felt like stone, it hung so heavily in her chest. Tomorrow it would crack. But she couldn’t help herself. She still wished to spend these last hours with him.

  She’d been unable to look at him during breakfast—afraid tears would catch her out. But as the morning progressed she found an excuse to be wherever he was. He smiled at her often.

  Mary suggested they eat a picnic outside beneath the plain tree at luncheon.

  Caro sat with Mary and watched Rob as he and Drew played cricket with George in the shade. Rob threw the ball to George’s bat, while Drew helped George hit it further than he could alone.

  While they ate, Rob sat near Caro, speaking with Mary as George climbed onto his lap. George was going to miss Rob too.

  Rob took Iris from Mary once she’d been fed and walked about with her until she fell asleep against his shoulder. Then he walked back up to the house, with Mary, to take Iris up to the nursery.

  He was close to Mary. He would come to visit again. Yet what if that were awkward—if he came to visit Mary and did not wish to see her?

  “You are going to miss him.”

  Caro looked at Drew. He was sitting beside her, his back resting against the tree trunk, while George lay on top of Drew’s legs asleep, with a thumb pressed in his mouth.

  “Yes. I am grateful to him. He forced me to face the things I have been hiding from and helped me feel normal again. I feel less like a leech with Rob here.”

  “A leech…” Drew frowned, his fingers brushing through George’s hair.

  “I am a parasite. I am completely reliant on you. I do not enjoy it and I’m sure given the choice, you and Mary would rather be alone.”

  “We would not. Ask Mary. She does not think that. You are no parasite, Caro. You may remove that notion from your head. You are my sister, a part of my family. We love you, and the children adore you. You are welcome for as long as you wish to be here. This is your home as much as it is mine.”

  But it was not. It was his home. It still felt as though she was lodging here. She looked across the lawn. “It was how Rob persuaded me to dine with you. He said that he felt awkward when it was just the two of you. That is how Rob sees things too.”

  “But, as you well know, he only said it to get you downstairs. He did not say it to make you feel uncomfortable when he has gone.”

  “I feel uncomfortable anyway. I did not need him to tell me that I do.”

  “Caro…” Drew’s fingers touched hers. “Do not condemn yourself about living in my home. You are welcome here—very welcome.”

  “I know, Drew. I�
�m sorry. I am grateful for all you do for me. But I will miss Rob. I do not feel so like an interloper with him here.”

  “I’ll talk to Mary. If you are happy to receive company, perhaps we should invite people here more regularly, so you may establish your own social life and then you will not feel so awkward with us.”

  She gripped the hand that had reached out to her. “Thank you. I would like that.”

  ~

  When the hour came for their ride and Caro walked into the stable courtyard, Rob was tightening the saddle’s strap underneath the horse that Caro was to ride.

  His throat dried when he saw her.

  She wore a dark-blue riding habit that was tight over her bosom and trim at her waist. It looked new. He’d not seen it before. He hoped it meant she would continue to ride when he left.

  He straightened up as she walked towards him, her legs kicking out her skirt. She must be sweltering wrapped up within the layers of velvet and undergarments. It was long past midday but the air was still heavy with heat. He had not even worn his morning coat, nor gloves or a hat, and he’d even rolled up his sleeves to his elbows.

  She had, at least, left her hat off too and her hair was pinned up in one big, swirling knot at the back, with a few stray curls framing her face.

  “Caro.” They’d spoken very little all day.

  She would miss him. But then he would miss her.

  Does she wish to ask me to stay?

  The unspoken question hung in the air as she reached him. He respected her more for not asking. He could not make that choice.

  He bent and clasped his hands together, to form a step. She lifted her skirt and placed the sole of her boot in his palms, then gripped his shoulders and pressed down onto his hands. He boosted her up into the saddle.

  For a moment he laid his hand on her thigh, gently bracing her while she settled and took her reins.

  He left her in the care of the groom, then, and mounted his own horse.

  His carriage horses whinnied in their stalls.

  Perhaps he should have taken her out in his curricle. They could have talked more easily, but they probably both needed the release of a gallop across the fields.

  He looked at Caro and smiled as he tapped his heels and rocked his pelvis forward to set the horse into a walk. She drew alongside him.

  Over the last weeks they’d found numerous topics on which to converse, but now he could think of nothing to say.

  When they left the courtyard Rob noticed the colour of the sky in the distance, it was a hazy brown-grey. It looked as though the hot weather was about to break, but a good rainfall would freshen the air and it would make it easier for him to travel tomorrow.

  He looked at Caro. She must be so hot in her habit. “I feel sorry for you riding in a habit in this heat. I have heard some women ride in breeches.”

  She glanced at him, smiling. “I would not.”

  He laughed. No, he could not imagine it. She was too delicate for such rash behaviour. I will miss her.

  He should regret their kisses, but he did not. He would not forget this summer. It felt as though he had laid the foundations of his life. He’d been content here in a way he’d never been before… All they had left was this, an hour alone, and one evening with Drew and Mary, and then this summer would be over.

  The tug of war burst into life in his chest: sadness because he would be leaving here and leaving Caro, and excitement because tomorrow he would ride to London to begin his journey to discover where his life would take him. The future was a canvas for him to paint. He could not regret his need to leave any more than he did not regret his time with Caro. He’d respected her, admired her, and then he had discovered a bond he’d known with no other woman—it was so much more than friendship. So the time they had left was time to be savoured before they must say goodbye.

  Caro lifted into a trot and led the way along the drive. She turned to the left when they reached the road, heading towards the home farm.

  There was nothing to say and so they rode in silence, in single file, on the edge of the road, as occasional carts passed.

  When they reached the farm, they had a choice: to follow a track into the woods, which was on Drew’s land, or to turn into the home farm pasture fields which led on to John’s land. Caro rode on through the farmyard, then urged her horse to jump the gate into the field.

  Rob kicked his heels and urged his horse to follow. Once he’d leapt the gate, he pulled up. She had stopped on the far side.

  “I want to ride on the Duke’s land. I want to gallop.”

  He nodded and kicked his heels again when she set off into a canter. They could not gallop on the farm land. It would scare the cattle and the sheep.

  The perfume from her hair carried on the warm air and grasped at his senses as she took the lead. Lavender. Her pace created a breeze and so he rode close to her.

  Her arms looked even more slender than normal in the dark habit.

  Their horses’ hooves thudded on the ground, a rhythmic sound that filled the humid, dense air.

  The sky was becoming the colour of worn, stained linen, but Caro showed no sign that she wished to turn back.

  They rode parallel to the wood on the other side of the rough stone wall that enclosed the field. In places, the wood was the boundary between John’s and Drew’s land, and the wooden gate ahead of them that had been put in when Drew and Mary had brought the land, led from Drew’s pastures onto John’s parkland.

  Caro rode ahead and bent to open the gate rather than jump it.

  It was unlike her to lead him on to John’s land. He’d always opened the gate before, but then they’d ridden this way several times.

  He leaned down and pulled the gate closed behind them.

  She was already kicking her heel to urge the mare she rode into a gallop. He followed, giving his stallion its head, balancing on the stirrups and hovering above his saddle.

  They were riding through the parkland on which John’s deer herd grazed, but the deer were not in view.

  He did not race, but kept a pace behind her, in case her mare hit a rabbit hole and came down.

  The air felt even denser here. Their horses cut through it as the sky above them became a broad sheet of stained linen. Still neither of them held back. He did not have the heart to end their ride and clearly Caro did not wish to.

  Their hoof beats struck the ground, hard and heavy; a deep sound muffled by the turf as they sent clods of grass and soil flying in their wake.

  They still hadn’t spoken and yet just to be beside her, sharing a moment of freedom, felt good. He’d given this to her; she had not ridden for years until he’d invited her.

  An unmistakable rumble of thunder shook the air. He hadn’t seen the lightning but it must have been there somewhere in the distance. It would be a death wish to keep the horses out in a thunderstorm.

  He leaned across and gripped Caro’s reins, pulling his own too, but he only gripped them for an instant to slow her, then he left her to pull to a halt as he managed his own horse.

  “We’ll turn and head back to the woods. Hopefully the horses will not be spooked there and we can shelter.”

  The sky was no longer a linen colour. It was angry, dark and ominous. But there was still that brown hue to it that said there was thunder in the air.

  Caro spun her mare around and headed for the wood. He thought she would smile at him, but she did not. She merely stirred the mare into a gallop again as if she tried to outrun him, yet he thought perhaps it was not to race, but to escape the emotion of their goodbye. These were their last moments alone together.

  Another clap of thunder roared through the sky.

  Caro’s horse whinnied and reared its head, slowing suddenly, but Caro held her seat and tried to calm it. The animals were more sensitive. They must be able to smell and feel the storm in the air.

  “Steady,” he urged Caro when she pressed on, but she didn’t ride any slower.

  A bright light split t
he sky above them, stretching from behind them as the air vibrated with a deep growl.

  He gripped his reins hard and held his horse steady as it made a sound of discomfort.

  Caro held her horse firmly, but a muscle flickered in her animal’s neck when another flash lit up the sky to their left. The thunder cracked a couple of moments later.

  His horse thrust its head up against the bit. “It’s fine, boy. Keep calm.” Rob patted the animal’s neck.

  They raced over the grass heading towards the wall. The quickest way into the woods was to jump it.

  They were nearing the wall when the next flash came from their right. The thunder was fast on the back of it, and it sounded as though the sky splintered. Both animals missed a stride, their forelegs landing out of rhythm, but he and Caro urged them on regardless, and Rob prayed there would be no thunder as they jumped.

  A large drop of rain fell on his crown, then a second on his shoulder, and a third on his arm. Then there were too many to count. It was as though the rain had been shaken out of the cloud, and now it poured down, drenching his hair and his clothing.

  They had a dozen yards left to ride when the rain turned to hail. Sharp balls of ice dropped like stones, stinging and cold. He pressed ahead, lifting his stallion’s head and jumping the wall.

  He looked over as he leaned back when his horse landed. Caro was a pace behind him and she flew over the wall in a perfect jump.

  They had about four strides before they hit the woodland. They both pulled on their reins as the hail turned back into rain.

  Caro was soaked. Her hair clung to her head and her face, while her wet habit defined every curve of her body. The rain dripped from her nose and her chin. Her mare moved restlessly, fractious. “Jump down, Caro.” Rob was nervous the animal would shy and unseat her.

  His stallion side-stepped, just as uncomfortable.

  He lifted a leg over his saddle, then jumped down to the grass, while Caro slid off her saddle and dropped to the ground.

  Another flash split the sky above of them and, almost immediately, the thunder shook the air. Caro’s mare reared and she fought to keep a hold of the reins.