A Year in the Life of a Complete and Total Genius

by Stacey Matson

  Kennedy :)

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)

  Sent: January 16, 15:29

  Dear Kennedy,

  Thanks. I will think about it. But George doesn’t really do much. Whenever I see him, he’s just listening to his iPod on huge headphones. He barely speaks, actually. My cousin Luke (George’s brother) told me the other day that George spent the entire weekend reorganizing his DVD collection. Literally all weekend. I don’t think that would make a great story.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  • • •

  Interview with Robbie Zack

  I interviewed Robert Zack. Here is what we talked about, which can be proven through a recording.

  Arthur: What is your name?

  Robbie: [doesn’t say anything]

  Arthur: How old are you?

  Robbie: [doesn’t say anything, but if you listen to the tape, you can hear him burp in my face]

  Arthur: Do you like reading?

  Robbie: No.

  Arthur: Do you like writing?

  Robbie: No, it’s boring.

  Arthur: Then where do you get your ideas for your stories in English class?

  Robbie: Why? Do you want to steal them?

  Arthur: Were you born a jerk? Or is your jerk-ness just because you like being a jerk?

  Robbie: Were you always a copycat nerd? Or did you copy that from your mom?

  Arthur: My mom’s dead. Jerk.

  Robbie: As if.

  Arthur: It’s true. She died last year.

  Robbie: Oh.

  End of interview.

  Arthur,

  I believe you can do better than this. I would like you to redo the assignment, and think carefully about some better questions. I know that you can find some common interests and values between you and Robbie. It is tricky when you find yourself talking about a difficult subject, but try and recognize that Robbie didn’t know about your mother passing away. You two may have difficulties communicating with each other, but a little understanding of someone else’s situation can go a long way. Please submit your new assignment to me tomorrow.

  Ms. Whitehead

  • • •

  Robbie Zack Interview: Take Two

  Here is the written version of my second interview with Robbie Zack. I recorded it again, in case you don’t believe me.

  Arthur: What is your favorite color?

  Robbie: Red.

  Arthur: What is your favorite subject?

  Robbie: Drama.

  Arthur: What is your least favorite subject?

  Robbie: English.

  Arthur: Ms. Whitehead said that you have to cooperate and do my interview.

  Robbie: I am. That’s not even a question.

  Arthur: But you’re making it suck. You’re only answering with one-word answers.

  Robbie: Yep.

  Arthur: Fine.

  Robbie: Fine.

  Arthur: I’m going to fail this assignment and it will be your fault.

  Robbie: Impossible. You never fail anything. You’ve always been good at school.

  Arthur: Because I do my homework. Do you even do your homework?

  Robbie: There’s no point. I’m probably going to suck at it anyway.

  Arthur: Can’t your mom help you?

  Robbie: [doesn’t say anything]

  Arthur: Well?

  Robbie: No. I’m out of here.

  Then Robbie left. I don’t think you can fail me for this, Ms. Whitehead.

  Arthur,

  I know you’re having trouble with this assignment, but I really feel that you can succeed. Mr. Everett tells me that you’re one of his best newspaper journalists, so I’m sure you can come up with great interview questions. I’ve spoken to Robbie as well, and I’d like you to try one more time to connect with Robbie in your interview. It’s so important for famous writers to be able to create very diverse characters in their stories, and it’s clear you and Robbie are very different! You can take some time during class today to complete the assignment.

  Ms. Whitehead

  • • •

  Robbie Zack Interview: Take Three

  Arthur: I was told that I have to interview you again with better questions.

  Robbie: I was told that I have to give you better answers, so let’s get it over with.

  Arthur: Good idea. First question: What kinds of stuff do you do for fun?

  Robbie: Normal stuff. I don’t know. Video games are my favorite, but I’m not allowed to play the good ones. I like Minecraft best. I like watching action movies. I play basketball sometimes. And soccer. I suck, but I still like it.

  Arthur: You like movies. Is that why drama is your favorite subject?

  Robbie: I don’t know. I guess so. It’s good I guess because…I don’t know…I guess there are fun people in the class. And it’s not hard… It’s good because you get to do whatever and, like, fool around, like when I was a kid, but for a grade, and then Mr. Tan says that it’s creative. It’s like we’re just pretending stuff that’s not true, but it feels like more than that sometimes. Which is way better than doing real stuff, you know?

  Arthur: But your “real stuff” isn’t hard. You just got back from Hawaii. Going to Hawaii for Christmas isn’t hard. What’s hard about your life?

  Robbie: Lots of stuff. Just because I went to Hawaii doesn’t mean that life isn’t hard, you know. You think you’re the only one with hard stuff and that makes you think you’re better than other people.

  Arthur: I don’t think that I’m special. You don’t understand. Your mom isn’t dead.

  Robbie: No, but she might as well be. She’s moving away to North Carolina without us. My dad is moving my brother and me into some ugly townhouse and we have to share a bedroom. Life sucks.

  Arthur: Oh.

  Robbie: Yeah.

  Arthur: Um, my next question is, what kind of books do you like to read?

  Robbie: I told you that I don’t like to read. Well, I like comics. Do comics count?

  Arthur: I guess so? I don’t know. Maybe not.

  Robbie: They should.

  Arthur: I don’t think so. They’re just pictures.

  Robbie: No way, man. The drawings add way more to the story because the artists are really good. Like this one about zombies? It’s awesome. And it’s not like all zombies are bad or nothing. They have personalities that have to be drawn in and all of them look different and you can spend hours looking at all the details on one page. You should read one. I bet you that you like it.

  Arthur: I doubt that.

  Robbie: I bet you will. I’m going to bring you one and then you have to read it.

  Arthur: Fine. I’ll read it, but I don’t think I’ll like it.

  Robbie: Fine.

  Arthur: Last question. Um, do you like knitting?

  Robbie: Knitting? Like, sweaters?

  Arthur: Or scarves or stuff. I mean, you can knit anything.

  Robbie: That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.

  End of interview.

  Much better, Arthur. I’m glad to see that you and Robbie were able to work together on this assignment, and I hope you learned something too!

  Ms. Whitehead

  • • •

  January 19th

  Dear RJ,

  Today was so hard! Ms. Whitehead made me do my homework like fourteen times! Well, three times, but still. It felt like fourteen. And then because of that, I was late to get to the cafeteria for lunch and I missed out on the pizza they had today. Plus, I saw Kennedy and I was just about to say hello, and then all her friends were there and I chickened out. Well, I mean, not really “chickened out.” It wa
s just not the right time, because I didn’t want her friends to hear us talking. I mean, her friend Catie makes a big deal out of EVERYTHING. Anyway, I was all ready to ask her about the drama club and how she liked it (even though I already know), and then she would get excited and start talking and then we would sit down together to eat lunch and talk about all the stuff we have in common, and it was going to be awesome, and she was going to realize how cool I am.

  I wonder if Robbie has been telling her that he thinks I’m a geek. I know he thinks so, because I’ve never played Minecraft. And I’ve never been to Hawaii either. I mean, it sucks that he went because his parents were getting divorced, but the only place I went when Mom died was my grandparents’ house in Balzac. And there’s definitely no palm trees in Balzac. In fact, there’s nothing in Balzac. Seriously. Nothing.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  • • •

  Hiya, Arthur,

  As you know, there is an assembly coming up to celebrate the football team’s league championship. How about you take a run at some event/sports writing for the newspaper? I bet you can cover the whole nine yards in one article!

  Mr. E.

  • • •

  ALL THE WORLD’S A STAGE…

  AND YOU CAN BE ON IT!!

  The drama club is holding auditions for their spring production of Romeo and Juliet. No acting experience necessary; just come and join us on January 24th after school. Bring your flair for the dramatic, your angry soul, your romantic heart, or your funniest class clown; there are roles for everybody! Maybe you will be the next big movie star: get your start now!

  • • •

  January 20th

  Dear RJ,

  I had a dream last night that I was Romeo in the school play, and Kennedy was Juliet. It was glorious! We kissed and held hands, and everyone who saw the play said things like “You two have such chemistry!” and “You two make the most adorable couple!” Then Kennedy said, “Well, it wasn’t acting, you know,” and then she kissed me again, but not onstage. It was perfect.

  I wish this was real. Then Kennedy would become a famous actress and we would get married. Then we would be this super famous couple, and after a while we would write a cookbook because we are secretly gourmet cooks.

  So now I have to practice. Only four days until the auditions!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  • • •

  Football Celebration Kicks Off on Wrong Foot

  By Arthur Bean

  Terry Fox Jr. High’s assembly celebrating the victorious football team ended in tragedy yesterday when Katy Lamontagne, a popular ninth-grade student and girlfriend of Ryan Riker, was dropped from the top of a human pyramid and rushed to the hospital.

  This show of carelessness and negligence is not the first for the accident-prone cheerleading squad of Terry Fox Jr. High. An unnamed source said that one cheerleader hit herself on the head with a baton during practice back in September. At the semifinal game against Lester B. Pearson Jr. High in November, another cheerleader threw up after spinning in the half-time number. To get to the bottom of these so-called accidents, this reporter interviewed Mr. Fringali, gym teacher and junior team football coach.

  When asked about the suspicious nature of the fall, Mr. Fringali said that there is always a risk of unbalance in the human pyramid, but that the squad had practiced the move often. “It’s not the girls’ fault,” said Fringali. “They work very hard and are devastated by the severity of Katy’s accident.”

  When pressed for more details about the weight distribution of the pyramid, Fringali would not comment, stating that the question was “rude” and “uncalled for.” The only thing this reporter thinks is rude is the blatant cover-up of information from the school. Clearly there is something going on behind the scenes with this group of girls, and no one is talking about what it is. Maybe there is a broken mirror in their locker room, or perhaps an unlucky rabbit’s foot being carried around. One thing is for certain: this reporter will get to the bottom of this unlucky pyramid. The people want to know!

  Hiya, Arthur,

  An interesting take on the football celebration assembly! You must read a lot of detective novels! However, the thing is, I’m not too comfortable focusing on conspiracy theories surrounding the cheerleading squad. I’ve asked Robbie to add to your article with some of his photos and great captions from the rest of the celebration, and we’ll use the first part of your article in the feature. Don’t worry though; you and Robbie will be sharing the byline on the article. Unless, of course, you want to stay undercover and use a pen name, in case the Feds are watching…

  Mr. E.

  • • •

  Peer Tutoring Program—Progress Report

  Session: January 21st

  Worked On: Shakespeare

  Since we didnt have anything to work on, Artie and I practissed the fight senes in the play for the odditions for Romeo and Juliet next week.

  —Robbie

  “Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.” In case you were wondering, that’s a quote from Romeo and Juliet.

  —Arthur

  • • •

  Assignment: Interview About Me

  Some of the best characters can be ourselves, so this assignment isn’t even that much work for you! I would like you to interview someone who is close to you about a great subject: you! Please use at least five of the questions we brainstormed in class, and write out their answers using the same format as the last assignment. Of course, please avoid putting your friends or family in an awkward position by asking difficult or negative questions.

  Due: January 25

  • • •

  January 23rd

  Dear RJ,

  I need to confess something. I don’t have a story. I have a lot of story beginnings. I even have a few story endings, but I can’t get them to make a whole story.

  I don’t know what to do! I know I can do it. In elementary school, my teachers all said my stories were great. They said that I’m super creative, and that I would definitely be a famous author one day. So by now I should be able to write the best things ever, but I can’t. Teachers shouldn’t be allowed to tell you that you’re great at something. It just makes life harder.

  The stupid thing is that I know I can do it, I just don’t know where to start. And then something comes up in life and I get stuck thinking about that. Like today. Today would have been my parents’ anniversary, so I was thinking about how my mom always sent me to Nicole’s house, and my parents would go out somewhere fancy for dinner that I wouldn’t like, like a seafood place or something like that. Instead, Dad is sitting on the couch watching TV and ignoring the phone that keeps ringing. I answered it once and it was Luke’s mom calling to talk to him, but he only talked to her for a second before he said he was going to call her right back. And he never did. I called Luke though, and we talked for an hour. He said that he has Minecraft, so we can play it next time we see each other. Who knows when that will be though? It feels like forever sometimes. Auntie Deborah said she was going to come down on her own, but I hope she brings Luke. He could go to my school for a while too. Although he might be bored there. I think he thinks I’m cooler than I am. And what if Kennedy fell in love with Luke instead of me? He is the cooler version of me. Maybe it’s better if Luke stays in Edmonton.

  Anyway, RJ, it feels like every week I think that there won’t be something to be sad about, but then there’s always SOMETHING, like pizza night on Friday or Christmas or Pancake Tuesday. Then I get stuck and can’t write about happy things. Sometimes I take ideas and stuff from other places and try and go from there, but it never works. I just want one thing in my life to be perfect. And the only thing that could be perfect is my writing. Is that asking too much?

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean


  • • •

  JUNIOR AUTHORS CONTEST

  There is just over two months before the deadline for short story submissions on April 1. Your stories should already be completed in a first draft, so use these final months to polish your work. Editing is key to a good story, so put your creative writing partners to work; don’t forget that they will be working on their own stories too.

  Don’t leave things to the last minute; two months can go by very quickly!

  Happy writing!

  • • •

  Assignment: Interview About Me

  By Arthur Bean

  I asked my next-door neighbor Nicole to answer some questions about me for this assignment. Here is what we talked about.

  Arthur: When did you meet me and what was your first impression?

  Nicole: I met you and your parents six years ago when I moved in. You were really small for your age. I remember that you ran around the courtyard a lot while singing Frank Sinatra songs and pretending to be an airplane. That was weird. Then I started babysitting you, and you liked to watch cartoons right before bed, and then read a book that was almost the same as the movie and compare them. It was cute.

  Arthur: What are some of the things that I do best?

  Nicole: Well, you’re a pretty good knitter, especially since you just started learning. You’re good at talking to strangers when I have people over and you’re here. You sure aren’t shy! You like writing. You make a really good tomato sauce. You’re pretty good about making your bed in the mornings. You always recycle.

  Arthur: How likely is it that I will become a famous writer like Stephen King?

  Nicole: Everything is possible if you work at it. But becoming a famous writer is really hard. You have to fail a lot to get there. Lots of people want to be writers, but they never get published. I think you have to work at lots of jobs in order to become a writer. Then it gives you lots to write about!

  Arthur: What can I do better in life?

  Nicole: You’re only twelve…

  Arthur: I’m thirteen.

  Nicole: Only thirteen. You’ve got plenty of time to screw up your life in ways you can’t even imagine yet. Trust me! I say keep doing what you’re doing, and everything will work out for the best.

  Arthur: No. I mean right now.