by Nicole Dykes
His smile is sweet when he says, “We are all a little fucked-up, Alex. It’s what makes life interesting.”
His lips kiss mine and I feel safe with him in that moment.
See this is what I want. I just need Shriller to leave and stop fucking with my head. I’m happy.
But then, if that’s true, why is he on my mind in this moment?
Chapter 15
Shriller
F
uucckkk! Alex looks way too fucking good tonight. She and her date just walked into the party, and as he helps her take her coat off, I don’t miss his hands lingering on her bare shoulders.
Now, that’s a dress that actually comes close to doing Alex’s body justice. Not like the dress her uptight ex picked out for her. The one I took off her that night. Memories of the first time we had sex flow through my mind as they make the rounds to greet everyone.
They are the last ones here and that begs the question, did they fuck before they came here? Maybe he hired someone to drive them so he could fuck her on the way.
Christ, I’m losing my mind.
“You’re staring.”
I jump slightly at the sound of Brooke’s voice. She’s standing right next to me. When the fuck did she get over here?
I try to act cool. “You’re imagining things.”
She laughs and orders from the bartender who is behind the bar and then turns back to me. “I know this is hard for you to be here, but I’m glad you are.”
“I like spending time with the family. The kids are growing up fast.”
She nods, “I know. It seems like just yesterday I met the kids and Dylan. Gabby was in pigtails. Now I keep catching her in my bathroom putting on my make-up.”
“Jesus.”
She smiles and takes her cocktail and what I’m assuming is Dylan’s whiskey from the bartender. “I hope you have fun tonight.” She starts to walk off, but then turns and says, “Stop staring,” over her shoulder before joining Dylan.
Damn it. I force my eyes to leave Alex and pivot toward the bar. “Scotch.”
He nods and quickly makes a drink. I probably shouldn’t drink. It’s been known to get me into trouble, but fuck it.
I sip the drink and join Jax and Charlotte at the big table decorated for the party.
After a boring, quiet dinner, during which I managed to avoid Chris and Alex completely, I watch him stand and take her hand. He leads her to dancefloor. I make my way back to the bar.
I order another scotch and my eyes are glued to them. His hands go straight to her hips as he pulls her into him for a slow song.
I take my drink from the guy behind the bar and take a drink as her fingers run through his hair and she lays her head on his shoulder.
Fuck. I’m almost certain my heart is going to explode. How the fuck can she let him hold her like that?
“Shitty way to ring in the New Year, huh?”
I turn to my right and see Vanessa downing some dark liquid from a glass, definitely hard liquor. I did notice her sitting there when I walked over, so her voice doesn’t startle me as much as Brooke’s did earlier.
I follow her eyeline and see she’s fixated on her ex, Cam, who is dancing with Dani. I say dancing but it could also be described as dry humping. Dani has no shame.
I take a small drink. “Yeah.”
Vanessa looks pretty tonight as always, she has an athletic build and is tall and leggy. Her red dress hugs to her body and goes to the floor, but there is a sexy slit on the side that reveals her tan legs.
“Were you and Alex ever an official thing?” she asks and I can tell by her speech this isn’t her first drink of the night. She’s not slurring, but she’s definitely buzzed.
“No.”
She nods and keeps her eyes on Cam. “We were.”
I take another drink. “Yeah I know. For a while, right?”
“Yup. Too long.”
She finishes her drink and orders another one. “You’re gonna be trashed.”
She scoffs, “So. Maybe that’s what I want,” she says defiantly.
“It won’t help,” I say trying to play the grown-up role for once.
She turns to me, takes another drink while looking into my eyes and then looks back toward Cam on the dancefloor.
Well fuck, it’s not my place to tell her not to drink too much. “He doesn’t love her you know? She’s just a plaything,” I say trying to provide a little comfort.
She shakes her head. “It started that way, but it’s more now.”
“Do you love him?” I ask, probably because I’m starting to feel the alcohol a little myself.
“Yeah.” She gives the honest answer and then she pries her gaze off of Cam long enough to ask me, “Do you love her?”
My eyes go to Alex. She’s smiling and looks so happy. I’m a son of a bitch. “Yep.”
I toss back the rest of my scotch and Vanessa does the same with whatever she’s drinking. She grabs my hand. “Come on, let’s dance. This is too fucking depressing.”
Can’t argue with that. I follow her to the dance floor and keep a respectable distance, but Vanessa has clearly had more alcohol than I thought and presses her body to mine. It’s not even a slow song. Her moves start to mimic a stripper and I move my hands to her hips to subtly move her back from me.
When I go to remove my hands, she uses hers to cover mine, holding them there as she sways her hips to the music. I can feel Cam’s eyes on us as she says, “You know I used to have a crush on you.”
I laugh, a little uncomfortable. “Oh yeah?”
She nods. “Yep back in the day.”
I try to slowly pry my hands out from hers, but she has a tight grip.
“I was even going to go for it, but totally chickened out.”
Vanessa is usually fairly quiet. It’s not that she’s shy, I think it’s more that’s she’s driven. She’s a college athlete and highly disciplined from what I’ve seen and heard. “That’s probably for the best.”
She smiles. “Yeah, you probably wouldn’t have gone for me anyway.”
She’s even closer to me now and I swear I can sense a lot of eyes on us. “There’s a pretty big age gap.”
She grins and then moves her face dangerously close to mine. “Well I’m older now. Almost a college graduate. Mature for my age.”
Shit.
Her lips are on mine before I can stop her. Ah, fuck! Her hands move in to wrap around my neck and as I’m about to push her away, without totally destroying her feelings, I feel someone grab my shoulder and pull me back, with some impressive force.
“What the fuck are you doing? She’s an entire decade younger than you!” It’s Cam and he’s foaming at the mouth.
I hold my hands up in surrender as Vanessa practically yells back, “Why the hell do you care? You’re here with your skank.”
“Who the fuck are you calling a shank, bitch!” Dani comes barreling up and Cassie makes her way over to hold her back. This is a mess.
I look at Cam, “This is not what it looks like, okay?”
“Bullshit. It looks like you are taking advantage of a young, drunk girl. We all know you like them young,” he spits back.
“Come on, Cam. Let’s get out of here, okay?” Hunter says to his best friend.
“No way, we can’t leave Vanessa here with this asshole.”
Vanessa slips her arm around mine. “Oh, trust me I’ll be just fine, Cam.” She looks up at me, batting her eyelashes. “Although I wouldn’t mind getting out of here,” she purrs.
I shake my head. “You need to sleep it off.”
Hannah who came out of nowhere with Luke by her side says, “He’s right. Let’s go back to Luke’s.”
I nod and slip out of her grip and notice Alex’s eyes on me from in the crowd. She looks pissed off, which is her usual new look when it comes to me.
I turn to Vanessa, “Look, I know you are hurting but this isn’t the best way to deal with it. Trust me.”
She shakes her h
ead in denial, but I just give her one last smile and make my way through the crowd that has gathered and out the back door that leads into an outdoor pavilion.
I used to love to sit back and watch the drama at these gatherings, but now I am the fucking drama. How the hell did that happen?
Chapter 16
Shriller
I
t’s cold as fuck out here, but you couldn’t pay me to go back in there. I should have gone back to L.A. when I had the chance.
One of the glass doors from the ballroom opens and I hear heels clicking. I’m afraid to look up from my current position, sitting on a stone bench with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.
Although, I don’t have to look up to know who it is. I can feel the tension, I know that perfume and then I hear that voice. “Vanessa? Fucking really, Shriller?”
I slowly drop my hands and lift my head to look at Alex who has rage in those eyes of hers. “Alex, what the fuck are you doing out here?” She doesn’t have a coat on and has to be freezing her ass off.
She puts one hand on her hip. “What were you thinking?”
“Of course. You want to fight. Remember the days when we could talk to each other without you snarling at me?”
She rolls her eyes and folds her arms over her chest, rubbing her arms with her hands to warm up. I pull my tuxedo jacket off and hand it to her. She looks like she is going to refuse it at first, but then comes to her senses and slips it on. “Those days are over.”
“Clearly, but you know what?” I stand up and lean in close to her face, “That means this is none of your goddamn business.”
I start to walk back to door that leads inside, not in the mood to get screamed at, but then I feel her small hand on my shoulder. Fuck. Just walk away. Don't let her suck you into a fight. I turn around and look into her eyes full of fire.
“It is my business! Vanessa isn’t Tiffany or some random twenty-two-year-old skank. She is a part of this crazy ass family. She’s Hannah’s best friend and Cam, your biggest fan’s, ex. What the hell were thinking?”
“I didn’t do anything, Alex. I talked to her and danced with her. She fucking kissed me!”
She rolls her eyes dramatically still with her fucking arms crossed. “Oh, poor innocent Shriller.”
She says that with some serious sarcasm and now I’m really starting to get pissed off. “You know what, Alex? I don’t really give a fuck what you think. I’m getting really tired of you accusing me of shit.”
“I saw you, with my own eyes. You two were all over each other.”
It’s in that moment that I realize exactly why she’s so pissed. “Holy shit, you were jealous! That’s why you’re out here in the freezing cold, screaming at me.”
She sneers at that, “Jealous? Why the hell would I be jealous?”
I take a step forward so the toes of our shoes are touching. “You tell me. Admit it, Alex. That’s why you’re so pissed off. You couldn’t stand to see her kissing me.”
She laughs bitterly at that. “Kiss whoever you want, Shriller. Just not someone that is a part of this group.”
She brushes past me to walk inside and before she reaches for the handle, I yell, “Yeah, you go have fun Alex. And when he’s holding you out on that dance floor, we’ll both know you’re wishing it’s me, not him.”
That got her. She spins back around and pokes her finger into my chest angrily. “You’re totally delusional. Why the hell would I want that? You’re a coward.”
I stare at her in disbelief. “You’re calling me a coward? Really? You are the one that denied everything! At least I had the courage to admit there was something there.”
She laughs again with a bitchy undertone. “No. You barely told me that you thought you loved me. When you love someone, you fucking say it. You say it loud and proud with certainty. That “admission” did nothing, but tell me that we weren’t in love. I was just the only one with the balls to say it.”
I can’t believe this shit. She’s pissed because I said the word “thought” when I told her I loved her. Holy shit, this girl is going to be the death of me. “So, does Chris tell you he loves you the right way, then?”
“We aren’t there yet, but when we are, I guarantee he will. He’s a real fucking man.”
I scoff at that, pissed the fuck off and add, “Does he know that you think about me every time you’re with him? Every time you fuck him?”
She glares at me, but I didn’t miss the twitch in her eye that tells me I hit the nail on the head with that one. “Oh yeah, Shriller you got me. I’d much rather be with you than with a kind, caring guy that’s an open book,” she says, laying the sarcasm on thick. But then adds, “You know what I learned while you were gone and since I’ve been dating him?”
“What’s that, Alex?”
Her face is close to mine and for a second it looks like she is either going to kiss me or claw my eyes out. “I never knew you.”
I look at her like she’s insane. “What the hell are you talking about? You’ve known me for sixteen fucking years.”
She shakes her head. “No. You see that’s the thing, even after sixteen years, I still don’t truly know you. I’ve been seeing Chris for less than a month and I can already tell you that his parents divorced when he was ten, but he was cool with it because they were both a lot happier after. He has two sisters and two brothers, but gets along with the one sister that lives here better. He’s allergic to strawberries. And his love for tattoos started when he was five years old and his grandpa, who passed away a few years back, showed him the tattoos he got during the Korean war. One of them he even tattooed himself, the rest were by his army buddies.”
I’m getting tired of hearing facts about Chris. “What the fuck is your point?” I snap.
“My point is that I don’t know anything like that about you. I know you were in foster care, but I have no idea why. I know that you had a sweet grandma that I met once or twice, but you don’t talk about her. Really, after sixteen years of friendship, the only thing I know about you is the size of your pierced cock and that you are a selfish, sarcastic prick.”
I stare at her. I’m at a loss for words. She can’t really believe that shit. “Don’t say that, Alex. You know me better than anyone.”
For a split second her expression softens, but then all too quickly darkens. “That’s sad. Face it Shriller,” she takes a shaky deep breath like she knows what she’s about to say is fucked-up. “You’re broken. You’re dead inside and can’t handle anything remotely real.”
Fuck. Those words hurt.
I don’t want to admit it, but they cut deep. And in that moment, I want to hurt her back. “Maybe I am, but I’m not the only one. You pretend like you want a relationship, marriage, and kids, but the truth is all of that shit scares you to death. And the even more fucked-up thing about you, is you grew up in a healthy, happy home with two happily married parents who love you, and yet you are still totally fucked-up.”
Her breathing intensifies and she has tears in her eyes when she says, “Fuck you, Shriller. Isn’t it about time for you to run away again? How long will it be this time? Wait til Michael goes to college to come back?”
I nod my head angrily, “Yeah, it’s definitely time for me to get the fuck out of here.”
I don’t wait for any more insults I just bust through the door and into the ballroom, practically sprinting through the crowd and just when I’m almost free I run right into Jax, literally.
He looks at me curiously and asks, “Where the fuck are you going?”
“I’m out of here Jax.” I say as I retrieve my coat with him on my heels.
“What? Why? You’re gonna miss the ball drop.”
I put my coat on over the crisp white dress shirt. “Ask Alex.”
With that I’m gone. I can’t believe she hates me this fucking much and that she reduced our entire friendship to sex and sarcasm.
I mean, there was more to it than that, right?
&nbs
p; Chapter 17
Alex
I
walk back inside with a numbness taking over my mind. I’m still wearing his tuxedo jacket and the familiar scent of him is the only thing getting in through the fog.
That is until Jax comes up to me in a huff, he looks seriously pissed off. “Alex, what the fuck did you say to Shriller?”
Shit. My mind runs through the hateful things I said to him before he practically ran out. “I um…”
He looks like he wants to shake the shit out of me. “Alex, he just ran out of here with a broken fucking look on his face that I’ve never seen on him before. What the fuck happened?”
“We got into a fight. We both said some nasty things.”
He shakes his head at me. “Damn it Alex. When are you going to let this shit go?”
“How can you let him off the hook so easily?” I gesture furiously at him.
“Look, I was pissed too until I actually went to L.A. and saw him. I could see the fucking pain, Alex.”
I shake my head, “He just left us all.”
“Yeah and it nearly killed him to do it. Shriller isn’t great at dealing with real feelings and shit, but he isn’t the only one, Alex.”
I nod my head thinking about Shriller’s words after I called him broken. He went for my number one insecurity, I can’t make a relationship work, despite the fact that I had a totally normal childhood and my parents are happily married. I know what a healthy relationship is, but I can’t figure out how to make one work myself. I’m fucked-up and I have no reason to be. I have no excuse for the way I am.
I drop down into one of the wooden chairs at the large dining table. “I said some really bad shit, Jax.”
He looks less angry and more concerned now. “Like what?”
My voice is low, “I said he was broken and dead inside.”
“Holy shit, Alex! That’s fucking harsh.”
I dip my head with a feeling of deep shame. “I know, but he just left everyone and went back to his old life without a thought.”
He looks at me like I’ve totally lost it. “Bullshit. Like I said, when I went to L.A. it was obvious he was in some serious pain. He’s here trying to make it up to everyone and now, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was gone forever. Is that what you fucking want?”
