by Anne Fraser
Why not, then? Why not just go? Remove himself from Sarah and Calum’s lives? Let them get on with their lives.
The ringing of the phone rang dragged him away from his brooding thoughts.
‘Hi. It’s Robert. Can you meet me in the pub across the road in ten minutes?’
‘Have you got the results?’ Jamie felt his heart begin to beat faster. ‘If you have, tell me now, over the phone.’
‘Yes, I have the results. But I want to tell you face to face. Can you meet me or not?’
‘Do I have an option?’
‘Not really. See you in ten.’ Jamie heard the click as Robert terminated the call.
As Jamie made the short walk to the pub, his mind was in turmoil. What if the results were positive? How would that affect Calum? He couldn’t bear the distress it would cause Sarah when she learned that her child might have a disease that would severely limit her child’s future. Would she agree to have him tested? What if she chose to wait until he was old enough to make his own decision? Perhaps his son would choose not to know. Follow in his father’s footsteps? Well, he could hardly blame him. If the results were positive, Jamie knew that it was likely he could develop the illness at any time. How could he continue to be part of Calum’s life knowing that one day he might become dependent on his child? He shuddered. Anything but that. He would have no option but to remove himself as quickly as possible from their lives. They would forget about him. Make their own future. In time Sarah would find someone else, someone who would be a good father to Calum and a support to her. Despite himself he felt his mind reel away from the image of Sarah in someone else’s arms, in someone else’s bed. Still, there was no point in torturing himself. In a few minutes he would know his fate.
He swung the pub door open, bringing a blast of cold air into the heavy atmosphere of the bar. It was almost empty apart from one or two couples enjoying their drinks at the small tables set out near the fire. Robert, a solitary figure at the bar, was already in the process of ordering drinks.
‘That was quick. What can I get you?’ he asked as Jamie approached.
‘I could do with a large malt, but as I’m on call, a Coke will have to do.’ Jamie waited impatiently. It seemed to take an interminable time for the barman to pour their drinks. He had to stop himself from hauling Robert off the barstool and demanding a response. Eventually they were both seated far away from listening ears in a secluded corner.
‘Come on man. Spit it out,’ Jamie ground out between clenched teeth.
Ignoring his tone, Robert raised his glass and grinned. ‘Cheers.’ he said. ‘You can relax. The results were negative. You don’t carry the gene.’
Jamie felt as if all the breath had been knocked out of his body. He had hardly dared to hope.
‘You’re sure?’ he queried. ‘I have to be a hundred per cent certain.’
‘I knew you would feel like that, so I used my influence and got them to run the test twice. There’s no doubt, you definitely do not have the gene.’
‘Thank God for that.’ He leant back in the chair. The relief was overwhelming. Now he knew, he could hardly take it all in.
‘Hey, you owe me one,’ Robert said with a smile of pleasure. ‘I can’t tell you how many favours I had to call in to get this done. And so quickly.’
‘Anything you want. You just name it and it’s yours,’ Jamie responded fervently. ‘Thank you. You have no idea what this means.’ As the two men sat in silence Jamie’s first thought was for his child. If he didn’t have the gene, there was no chance that his son would have it either. Calum was never going to develop Huntington’s chorea. He would never know the agony of having his muscles gradually lose control, with the subsequent loss of independence. He would never—as Jamie’s father had done in the latter stages of the disease—struggle with the simplest tasks of eating and breathing. There was nothing stopping Calum from having the brightest future.
His thoughts turned to himself. Neither would he know or have to suffer the effects of the devastating illness. He, too, was free to live his life like any other man. Free to love, have children. For the first time since he had learned of his father’s illness as a third-year medical student, Jamie knew he had a future. And what would that future hold? Calum certainly. But could that future also include Sarah? Could she learn to trust him again? Fall in love with him once more? Or was it too late? Jamie knew that he had to find out. He needed to see her. Tell her everything. Make her understand why he had acted as he had.
Although he was desperate to talk to Sarah, good manners prevented him from jumping to his feet and leaving his friend to finish his drink alone.
‘Can I get you another one?’ he offered.
‘No, thanks. I can tell you are straining at the bit to get away. Now you know, what are you going to do? Are you going to tell Sarah?’
‘At least now I can explain why I behaved as I did. Hell, what must she think of me? First of all I rush away to Africa without a reasonable explanation and then when I return and find out I have a son, I appear to reject him, too. She must think I’m a real bastard.’
‘Mmm, I see what you mean. But Sarah is a reasonable woman. Hopefully she’ll understand. I suspect, though, that you’re going to have to do a fair bit of grovelling first. Anyway, let’s finish our drinks and get out of here. It’s about time you got on with the rest of your life.’
Jamie felt too restless to go back to the residence. He needed to see Calum and Sarah and he needed to see them straight away. But first he’d pop into the department and make sure there were no patients requiring his expertise. It would mean he was less likely to be interrupted when he saw Sarah.
Jamie used the back entrance of the A and E department, walking past a thankfully empty resus suite. Glancing into the waiting room, he noted a scattering of people sitting patiently while they waited to be seen. Deciding to check the triage area before he left, he noted with surprise a familiar figure sitting at the nurses’ station, chatting with Elspeth.
‘Dr Campbell, hi—thought you were at home. I was just about to phone you. You have a visitor,’ Elspeth explained, tilting her head in the direction of Mrs MacLeod.
‘Mrs MacLeod! Is everything all right?’ Jamie asked, frowning, wondering if her broken leg was causing her problems.
The elderly lady beamed up at him. ‘Och, I’m just grand! Here, this is for you—baked it myself,’ she added, holding out a biscuit tin which held a fresh-baked sponge cake. ‘I wanted to show you how well I’m doing—and to thank you for everything you did.’
Aware that they were gathering an audience of nursing and medical staff, Jamie shifted uneasily. ‘That was really kind of you, Mrs MacLeod. Thank you. But I was just doing my job, you know.’
‘Rubbish, young man. What you did for me was way and beyond the call of duty and everyone knows it!’ Getting stiffly to her feet, she leaned on her walking stick. ‘Well, don’t want to take up any more of your valuable time, Doctor. I need to be getting back to let in the home help, although to be honest she’s a bit hopeless. It should be me taking care of her!’
Jamie smiled and shook his head in amazement at the spirit and courage of the elderly lady as she walked straight backed down the corridor. Noting the amused expressions of his colleagues gathered round the desk, he turned to Elspeth.
‘As you all have nothing better to do than hover about here, I’m off. If you need me you can either page me or call my mobile.’
‘Aren’t you going to share your cake with us, Doctor?’ Elspeth called after his departing back.
Jamie decided to walk the couple of miles to see Sarah. The fresh air and exercise would help clear his head. If the hospital called and he was needed urgently, he would flag a taxi and would be back at the hospital in no time.
* * *
Sarah was just finishing giving Calum his bath before getting him ready for bed when the doorbell rang. She wrapped the baby up in a soft white towel and carried him to the door. She expected to see
either her mother or one of her friends. What she hadn’t expected was Jamie, grinning broadly, holding what seemed to be a cake tin in his hand.
‘Hello, you,’ he said softly. ‘Can I come in?’
He took in the sight of Sarah with their son in her arms. She was barefoot and wearing a pair of faded jeans with a broad leather belt low on her hips. Her white T-shirt rode up slightly, revealing her toned, lightly tanned abdomen. She had her hair tied up in a high ponytail and a blob of foam clung to her fringe. Jamie had never seen her look so desirable. He resisted the urge to pull her into his arms and cover her with kisses.
‘As you can see, we are a little tied up at the moment. It’s not really a convenient time,’ she responded.
Jamie paid no attention to her frosty tone, instead stepping into the flat and taking Calum from her.
‘I’ll help you put him to bed, if you like.’
Sarah resisted the temptation to pluck Calum back. She refused to treat her child like a ping-pong ball. But who exactly did Jamie think he was? One minute he wanted nothing to do with her or her child, except perhaps a quick romp in the sack with her, and the next minute he was turning up at her door as if he lived there. The man had a nerve.
‘What are you doing here, Jamie? If it’s Calum you’ve come to see, we really need to discuss access.’
‘You and I need to talk,’ Jamie said firmly. ‘But let’s get this little one off to bed and then we can talk undisturbed. Just tell me what to do.’ He had the grace to look a little self-conscious as he said that. Clearly Jamie had no idea what putting a baby to bed actually entailed.
Sarah suppressed a smile. It was an unusual situation, seeing Jamie in a position where he obviously felt clueless. This was completely different to how he normally appeared. Whether at work or in the mountains, Jamie always looked like a man who knew exactly what he was doing.
‘OK, you can stay for a while—just this once. We do need to talk about Calum so I suppose tonight is as good a time as any. First I need to finish drying him properly.’
Sarah had lit a fire against the cooling autumnal nights and she reclaimed her son before setting him down on the changing mat she had placed at a safe distance from the hearth. Using the towel, she carefully dried between the baby’s toes and folds. Calum squealed with pleasure, kicking with delight in his naked freedom.
Jamie looked at the two figures he was already beginning to think of as his family. The soft light of the flames and the standard lamp cast a glow around the room, chasing the last of the shadows that had hung over him before. Now everything was as it should be, or it would be once he had explained everything. Already he regretted the months of Calum’s life that he had missed. Why had he been such a fool? Why hadn’t he had the guts to take the test earlier? He would have known that he was free to pursue Sarah and he would have been there for her throughout the pregnancy and birth. He could only begin to imagine how hurt she must’ve been to not have told him that she was pregnant. And if she had? What then? He would have told her the truth and probably tried to convince her to have a termination. He felt his blood run cold at the mere possibility that his child might never have been.
‘Could you watch him? I’m just going to fetch his pyjamas and bottle.’ Sarah asked.
She left Jamie crouched over Calum making faces that had her son—their son—smiling. She didn’t quite know how she felt about Jamie being there. Had he decided that he wanted to be involved in his child’s life after all? And if so, how did she feel about that? She rummaged in a drawer for Calum’s pyjamas, pulling out her favourite pair. Tiny blue rabbits frolicked on a white background. She walked back to the sitting room. Jamie had lifted Calum onto his lap. The child fixed his large brown eyes on Jamie’s. They seemed in a world of their own. Sarah felt her throat tighten as she took in the scene. She could no longer doubt the affection Jamie had for his child.
She went to the kitchen and tested the temperature of the bottle she had left warming. She had stopped breastfeeding when she had returned to work, but missed the closeness of having the skin-to-skin contact that breastfeeding had involved. Yet another sacrifice she had made in order to return to work. Had it been worth it? If she hadn’t gone back to work when she had, would she have missed Jamie’s return to the UK? Believing him still in Africa, would she ever have told him about his son? Even now she didn’t know what she was going to do about Jamie. She could tell from the way that he looked at Calum that he was smitten. But as far as she knew, he was still planning to go back to Africa. It wouldn’t be fair on her son to have a father who dipped in and out of his life. No, Jamie had some tough choices to make. She had to make him see that.
Calum was looking calm and settled when she retrieved him from Jamie and slipped his pyjamas on. His little body was warm from his bath and the fire. He sucked drowsily at the bottle, his eyes beginning to close in sleep. Jamie and Sarah sat quietly as Calum finished his drink and surrendered himself to sleep. Sarah popped him in his cot, turning on the nightlight and leaving the door slightly ajar in case he woke up. By the time she returned to the sitting room Jamie had stoked the fire, which blazed cheerfully. Her thoughts flew back to that last night before Jamie had left for Africa—the night their son had been conceived.
‘OK, you can start. I assume you’re here to talk about Calum?’
She could see that Jamie was struggling to find words. Perhaps he had come to tell her he was returning to Africa sooner than planned? Once more she felt her heart sink at the prospect. Could she really bear to lose him again?
‘There is something I have to tell you,’ Jamie began. ‘If you can, please, hear me out before saying anything.’
Mutely Sarah nodded her head. Here it was. The goodbye scene all over again.
‘My father died three years ago. You know that. But what you didn’t know was that he died from Huntington’s chorea.’
Sarah couldn’t help a gasp of surprise. Why hadn’t he told her? Her heart began to race as she realised the full implications of Jamie’s words.
‘It’s OK.’ He rushed on, seeing Sarah’s expression. ‘I have just found out that I don’t carry the gene. That’s what I was doing when I took syringes and needles from the department.’
‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me before?’
‘I couldn’t, Sarah. I’m sorry. I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to know whether I carried the gene. I didn’t want to lead my life knowing what could be in store for me. And I couldn’t ask you to be with me for the same reason. What if I had it? I would never have allowed you to sacrifice your life to look after me. I would never have stopped you from having the children you so clearly wanted. And children weren’t an option for me as long as I thought there was any chance I carried the gene and could pass it on.’
Sarah’s mind reeled from what Jamie was telling her. Why couldn’t he have told her? Had he that little faith in her? Of course he had always been protective of her, but this was too much. He should have trusted her. Her thoughts veered away from the thought of her son having a terminal illness. If she had known when she’d been pregnant, would she have gone through with the pregnancy? It would have been another thing to think of on top of the raised alpha fetoprotein. The possibility of her child having both genetic disorders might have been enough to make her reconsider going ahead. And if she hadn’t? She felt ill.
‘So you can see why I was horrified to discover that I had fathered a child. But once I knew, of course there was no option but for me to take the test.’
‘You should have told me, Jamie. Why couldn’t you have trusted me? Did you think my feelings were so shallow that I would run at the first sign of trouble?’ she said sadly.
‘It’s because I knew you wouldn’t run that I couldn’t tell you. You would have stayed with me regardless. You are that type of woman and I couldn’t have borne your pity.’
‘Did you pity your father? Is that how your mother felt about him?’
‘No, my mother loved
my father. But it wasn’t easy on her, watching him deteriorate in front of her, knowing she was helpless to prevent the illness from claiming him. She spent the last couple of years of his life as his full-time carer. She wouldn’t let me employ nurses to help. Said my father’s care was her responsibility. That she needed to be the one to look after him. But looking after him took its toil on her health, mental and physical.’ Jamie took a ragged breath, remembering how his arguments and entreaties had fallen on deaf ears.
‘Isn’t that what love is about, Jamie?’ Sarah said quietly. ‘Isn’t that what people promise when they take their vows—“in sickness and in health”?’
‘That’s just it. You would have made those vows. And stuck by them. No matter how trapped you felt. My mother had no life of her own. And, no, I didn’t pity my father. I just felt helpless. What was the point of all those years of medical training if there was nothing I could do to help? So you see, I couldn’t have a child. Not knowing if I’d end up a burden on them. Never mind the chances of them inheriting the disease. Rightly or wrongly, I made up my mind.’
‘Did you think of your father as a burden?’
‘It would have been a privilege to do anything for him. But he would never let me. He was a proud man. He would only let my mother look after him,’ Jamie said, unable to disguise the pain in his voice.
‘And you’ve found out that you’re OK. What now?’
‘Now we can be a family. A real family. You, me and Calum. Isn’t that what you have always wanted?’
