Lost in the Dawn (Erythleh Chronicles Book 1)

by Catherine Johnson

  Serwren was still emotionally disorientated when Seddrill released her arm, but he didn’t release her body. Her bewilderment increased with the realisation that she wasn’t scared of him, even with the evidence of his enjoyment of her blood pressing against her stomach. Serwren closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting the air fill every inch of her lungs. She let it out in a measured sigh, and with it achieved a modicum of composure.

  “We have a body to dispose of. Or rather, to explain.” The breathiness of her voice was at odds with the subject for discussion; it was more suited to a lover’s whisper. “We can’t simply walk away and leave him here.”

  “You’re right.” Seddrill’s voice was as low as her own. “I think, perhaps, we should play to his accusations.”

  Serwren felt as though she, too, had received a blow to her head. The concept of acting as though she had been having an affair with Seddrill didn’t make sense. Evidently, Seddrill saw her confusion in the crease of her brow.

  “Lady Serwren, if everyone believes that we are... intimate, and that your husband caught us so, we can explain his injuries and death exactly as they happened. There is no evidence to suggest anything otherwise. And for us to be so... allied, would give you a measure of protection, now that you are a widow.” Seddrill bent his head and whispered at Serwren’s ear. “And it would give you an excuse to leave the palace. You could bring Ulli to my home, a place of safety, and escape your brother.”

  The plans murmured in such close quarters sounded far more suggestive than the formation of an alibi, and that caused Serwren some unease. The boundaries of their agreement appeared to be changing. Before, she had been caught between Erkas and Bornsig, now she was caught between Erkas and Seddrill. And although she did not fear Seddrill as she did Erkas, or hate him, as she had Bornsig, she did not think she could concede what he appeared to be asking of her. Especially not with the forthcoming possibility of a reunion with Jorrell, however brief and ill-fated. But Seddrill’s logic, and his promise of safety, was irresistible to her.

  Serwren ducked her head, unable to articulate her uncertainty and her concerns.

  Seddrill’s lips still moved by her ear, his breath warm and whispering. “All I ask is blood.”

  He was lying. She could tell he was lying. She could feel that he was lying. And yet... in a way, he was being truthful.

  Many of the major events in Serwren’s life had been the result of decisions that other people had made for her. Moving to Bornsig’s country estate had been the first major show of autonomy that she had ever made. This situation, in its way, was the best and worst of both worlds.

  She had to swallow and wet her lips before she could make the words to speak. “Very well, I accept,” she breathed, and only then did she look up, to find that Seddrill was watching her intently. “Thank you.”

  Seddrill smiled, and there was something of relief in his brown eyes. “Come, Lady Serwren. We have a death to explain and an election to arrange.”

  Perhaps the parameters of their relationship had not changed so very much after all.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Certainly the most peaceful period of Serwren's life had been lived out in Bornsig's country residence in Senthirr. The town, a close-knit community that had the feel of a small village, was surrounded by the acres of farmland that supported the residents. Serwren's time there had been quiet, but it had not been empty; she had been raising Ulli and Elthrinn as well as doing what she could for the people of the province. It had been a good life, a happy one. There had always been a piece missing, the hint of something lacking in the completed picture, but in that house, accompanied by Ulli, Elthrinn, Mara and Aileth, Serwren had been as happy as she thought might ever be possible. She had at least been able to relax a little.

  Watching Elthrinn grow into adulthood had been a source of both fear and pride for Serwren. That Elthrinn had become a compassionate, intelligent, inquisitive young woman was something that Serwren felt was more attributable to the whims of the gods than any effort on her part. Certainly, the gods had seen fit to deprive the girl of her whole family; it was the least they could do to ensure that she would be loved by anyone she might chance to meet.

  Serwren wanted nothing more for the girl than to be able to send Elthrinn out to experience the world. Her own bitter history hadn't prejudiced her against the capacity of her countrymen to be respectful and honourable. Serwren attributed many of her past hardships to the small bubble of society that she had been raised in. Since Serwren had been away from the cosmopolitan city, she had seen what it was to be free from the yokes of duty and respectability. But ultimately, Serwren had known that her little family was not free of that bubble. There was an invisible tether, a noose, that they could never break.

  To ensure Elthrinn's freedom from the dangers of that burden, Serwren had persuaded the unworldly sixteen year old of the benefits of swearing devotion to the goddess of Doohr. Elthrinn, aware of the precarious nature of their arrangement and desperate for security in her own right, had agreed without argument. And now, three years on, that illusion of sanctity had been destroyed.

  Serwren was painfully aware of the consequences of such an arranged union. That she had been unaware of its initiation, and that she was powerless to interrupt it, was sickeningly present in her thoughts at all times.

  Watching Ulli develop through his boyhood had been a pure joy that had only been marginally less tainted with fear. At least, since Ulli was male, he would be less likely to be forced into an unwilling union, although he might be at more risk of physical harm.

  Her lack of influence over the safety and happiness of those dearest to her was a constantly festering sore in Serwren's psyche. The only way she could alleviate it was by exerting the small amount of power and authority that she did have. There was no longer any time for resting.

  Serwren had spent the day, which was now fading rapidly into evening, in discussions with various consuls and guardians of finances other such bureaucratic details to try and progress her scheme for the homeless orphans of the city. She was exhausted from the numbers and legalities as well as the fact that the whole project was being conducted in a kind of semi-secrecy. There was an urgency now, due to the number of people involved. She need to gain some essential assurances and permissions before Erkas caught wind of her plans. Before he could be approached for the final authorities, the scheme would have to be branded as the pet project of one of the other consuls. That she would have to relinquish the helm was another small insult in a lifetime of insults. But Serwren would do whatever it took to bring her plans to fruition.

  On entering Seddrill's house, her home for the span of two moons, Serwren immediately sought the kitchen. All through the day she had been almost able to taste the refreshing glass of cool, pale wine that would ease the stress of the negotiations, but now she found herself in the kitchens, she sought out a glass of goat's milk instead. First she needed to ease the ache behind her eyes; the wine would be of more use later.

  Serwren had drunk a full mug of milk before she became aware that Aileth had entered the room. The old woman, the only other being in the city, other than Ulli, who had Serwren's trust, was evidently waiting for the opportunity to speak to her. Serwren set her cup down on the wooden work top and prepared for the bad news that Aileth's grim expression heralded.

  "Good evening, Aileth."

  "Good evening, my dove. I know you've barely crossed the threshold, but the young master would benefit from some of your attention tonight."

  Serwren bristled at the rebuke implied in Aileth's words and tone. "You think I've been neglecting him?"

  "I think you've been more preoccupied than usual lately. I understand the efforts you make on our behalf, and on the behalf of others. Your charity is admirable, but Ulli does not understand, he couldn't possibly begin to. All he knows is that he's lucky to snatch a glance of you between sunrise and sunset."

  Serwren hung her head. As much as she tried to be pr
esent in Ulli's day, she knew that he had not been as much of a priority for her as he should have been over the past few days.

  "He is in his room? I'll go to him now."

  "He is. I've promised him a trip to the harbour to watch the army arrive, when the signal comes. He's quite excited about that, it made him smile, a little."

  That her son should be so miserable made Serwren wish for the ground to gape open and swallow her whole.

  "Very well, but not too close to the quay. It won't be safe. There are many greedy trolls who care more for coin than the well-being of their fellow citizens, and they will all crawl out of the shadows for the feast."

  "I'll make sure he observes from a safe vantage point. Might I suggest a peace offering for the young master? Our host's cook is quite the expert with eggs and flour. Ulli is quite taken with her cakes."

  That Serwren had not taken the time to gain the knowledge of the talents of Seddrill's staff, or her son's preference for them, only compounded her depression. "Thank you." She gratefully accepted the slice of cake laden with buttercream on the plate that Aileth handed her. The sickly sweetness of the vanilla and sugar turned Serwren's stomach, but she guessed that the scent probably would probably hold mouth-watering appeal for her son.

  As she took the plate from Aileth, the older woman put her hand on Serwren's arm. "I know you're doing what you feel is best, dove, what you feel you have to, but don't get so caught up in keeping things safe that you forget what it is you wished to protect in the first place."

  There was no answer to that. Serwren had not forgotten what she was working towards, but it seemed that at every turn she was failing. She nodded, lest the quaver she could feel in her throat betray itself in her voice, and went to find her son.

  As Aileth had promised, Ulli was in his room. Serwren had knocked, but on receiving no welcome, had opened the door to check for occupancy. She had found Ulli lying on his bed. The young boy was lying on his stomach, his arms folded under a pillow which was pressed to his head and chest. Seddrill did not have a large home, but there had been more than one unoccupied room. Serwren had given Ulli first choice, before she had chosen her own space. Ulli had picked the room with the best view of the ocean, and often spent much time at the window. That he was now lying on his bed staring into nothing added to Serwren's concern.

  "Ulli, I've brought you some cake."

  She received no answer from the motionless form on the bed. Serwren stepped closer for a better view, and could see that Ulli was not asleep, only ignoring her. Serwren placed the plate on the first available surface she saw. That the room was tidy and uncluttered meant that Aileth had been at work in it. Left to his own devices, Ulli often appeared to wreak the devastation of a hurricane, an admirable feat for one so small.

  Serwren stepped over to the bed and perched on the edge of the covers. She put her palm on the small of Ulli's back. He did not flinch or try to shake her off; he didn't respond to her touch at all. Serwren's heart sank.

  "Ulli, please talk to me."

  She was greeted with more silence. She considered getting up and going about her evening and leaving Ulli to his sulk, but she decide that she needed to stay, even if he didn't speak, even if he fell asleep. He had to know that she was there for him.

  When Ulli did speak, his words were such sharp daggers that Serwren wished she'd let him alone.

  "You love those children more than me."

  Serwren absorbed the pain of that accusation, and held her voice steady as she answered. "No, I don't."

  "You spend more time with them than you do me." Ulli's voice was flat, and still he kept his face turned from her.

  "They have no one at all to help them, son. I'm only doing what I can for them."

  Ulli made to turn over. Serwren moved her hand to her lap to given him space to face her.

  "They have each other." Ulli's face was blank and pale. "All I have is you. I don't have a father. You sent Elthrinn away. I don't have a home, either."

  There was the merest touch of petulance to Ulli's tone, but it didn't make his grievances any less valid. He was expressing his hurt in the terms of the way in which he saw his world.

  "You do have a father. And you do have a home, we both have a home, here, in Thrissia. I had to send Elthrinn away..."

  Ulli interrupted her. "And will you send me away?"

  That her son should think her to be so callous broke Serwren's heart. "No! Never."

  "What about my father? He was sent away."

  The depth of Ulli's confusion with the way he saw the workings of the world was beyond anything Serwren knew how to remedy. "Ulli, please. I would bring your father home in an instant, if I could."

  The expression on Ulli's face was disbelieving. "And how long are we to stay here for? We're always moving. We never go back to anywhere. I want to go back to Senthirr."

  Serwren would not make her son any false promises. "I'm sorry, Ulli. I don't know if we can go back there."

  "I want to go back now."

  "Ulli, we can't..."

  "I want to go back. You made us come here and I want to go back. I hate you."

  Ulli flipped back over to his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. Serwren knew deep down that Ulli did not mean the venom he spat at her, but his words still hurt her. It hurt her more that, when she returned her palm to his slight back, she could feel his body shaking with sobs.

  "I'm sorry, Ulli. I can't change things. I wish I could. I love you. I love you with everything that I am, and that will never change."

  Ulli did not even try to turn his face to her. Serwren did not know what else to say or do. She was unable to give Ulli what he wanted, and she couldn't think of anything that might appease him. She didn't want to promise him a visit to Senthirr, even a short one, because with all the tribulations on her horizon, it was very likely that she would have to break her promise to her son. She would rather not promise him anything than give him assurances that turned out to be lies.

  After a while, Serwren realised that Ulli had cried himself to sleep. She rose from the bed slowly, trying not to jerk the mattress and risk waking him. She left the room, leaving the cake where she had placed it, and closing the door silently behind her.

  Serwren was full of guilt and shame, too much to allow for any appetite. When Aileth met her in the hallway and enquired after supper, Serwren waved her away and went out to the open paved terrace which was the roof of one of the lower stories of the house. She was sure she would find no peace, but she could find quiet solitude in the early darkness of the night.

  The walls of the dwellings and buildings of Thrissia that shone so brightly white in the harsh sunlight, glowed golden now with fire and candlelight. The sunset was a smudge of crimson on the horizon, a ruddy blur where the water met the sky. Beyond the city, the shadowy black cliffs hulked over the bay.

  Serwren leant her forearms on the wall that ran around the terrace and stared out at the blank expanse of the sea of Thleen until the darkness made it impossible to discern anything beyond the glow of the lamps that flickered to either side. She was not surprised when she heard Seddrill's voice behind her, her mind had not been able to untangle the knot of emotion and concern, but she had heard the scrape of the shutter door opening.

  "What's wrong?"

  Serwren gave Seddrill a half-smile of thanks when he placed a glass of wine on the wall at her elbow. Serwren lifted the glass and drank before she answered.

  "It's Ulli. He's so confused, and he's too young for me to help him understand. I can't explain to him half of what's going on. It wouldn't be right for me to burden him, or to turn him against Erkas, and doing so would only put us both in mortal danger. But it means that he can't even begin to understand why I do as I do, or why I can't tell him about his father."

  "Why can't you tell him about his father?"

  Serwren tried to keep her patience. It wasn't as if she hadn't thought about telling Ulli everything, or almost everything. "How do I e
xplain any of it? I wouldn't know where to start. And worst of all, how do I explain that his father hasn't fought tooth and nail to get back to us?"

  "There's no way that he could."

  Serwren had never actually voiced the name of Ulli's father to Seddrill, but she knew that they were talking about the same person. "I know that. You know that. But Ulli won't understand. It's only going to sound like his father doesn't want to return."