Gigolo Girl

by Layce Gardner

  “I get to drive it?” he asked, his eyes the size of a dessert plate.

  “Sure. You’re the one who knows where we’re going,” Desiree said.

  He ran to the driver’s side and beeped the car open with the remote. He opened the door then stopped, looking across the roof at Desiree. “Before I get behind the wheel of your very expensive car I want you to know that I am fully insured.”

  “I figured you would be.”

  Floyd ran around the front of the car and opened the passenger door for her. Obviously his mama had taught him how to treat a lady. He hopped in the driver’s seat put both hands on the wheel, sighed contentedly, and smiled at her. “Here goes.” He turned the key and leaned back in the seat with his eyes closed, listening to the purr of the engine. “Listen to that.”

  “I should let you borrow it to take Greta out driving,” Desiree said.

  “You couldn’t do that,” Floyd protested. He looked in the rear view mirror, turned and looked over both shoulders, checked the rear view once more and only then did he cautiously pull away from the curb.

  “But I’d like to return the favor—you know, for helping me out with the cottage.”

  “Aw, that’s nothing,” he said, turning off Main Street and heading out of town. “It’s what we do around these parts.”

  “Say, you don’t happen to know anyone that’s hiring? I’m going to need something to do,” Desiree said, and then amended the statement. She didn’t want to look independently wealthy—it would tip people off that she wasn’t who she appeared to be. “I mean, I’ll be needing a job. My savings won’t last long.”

  “Whatcha know how to do?” Floyd asked.

  Desiree was stuck on that one. She couldn’t very well tell him she could play a woman like a Stradivarius. “Uh, well, you know a bit of this and that,” she hedged.

  “Well, you had to do something real well to get this car,” he said.

  If he only knew, she thought. “I was in sales.” That wasn’t a lie exactly. She was in sales in a manner of speaking—it was just her body she sold.

  “I manage the Co-op and we just had a girl quit. She got pregnant and run off with her boyfriend before her daddy had a chance to kill him.”

  “I thought you worked at the IGA,” she said. That’s what Mildred had told her.

  “I used to but Old man Johnson owns the Co-op and he was wanting to retire so he head-hunted me. Ain’t that what they call it in the big city, head-hunting? He said he’d double my salary if I’d come on and keep the Co-op on the up and up. His own boy is worthless. Yardell would’ve run the place into the ground in a matter of months. Yardell hates my guts for snagging the job he thought was meant for him. Floyd glanced over at her. “Hey, how’d you know I worked at the IGA?”

  “Oh, Greta must’ve said something about it,” Desiree said, shrugging. “How’d you know I was from the city?”

  “Like it don’t show.” Floyd said, chuckling.

  He took a right onto a gravel road and Desiree inhaled sharply. Stretched out before her was a beautiful sight. A lake shimmered in the distance and the cutest little red cottages with bright blue shutters were dotted around the water’s edge. Desiree couldn’t wait to claim one as her very own.

  Foxy Lady

  Within a week, Desiree had stocked cupboards, she had a job at the Co-op, and she had a whole new life. In a turn of events that could only be explained as super-weird, Greta and Floyd had taken her to their collective bosom. She was thankful for them. Desiree sorely missed having friends. Pretending to be Henry Thoreau sitting in his cabin watching carpenter ants marching to and fro was dull and lonely. She passed the hours observing Cindy Lee, Mildred’s ex, who had left with her pockets full of stolen egg money.

  Cindy Lee turned out to be a real piece of work. She was egotistical and stupid. She wasn’t bad looking if you if you liked tall blonds with a receding hairline and knobby knees. But Cindy Lee had about half the town convinced she was the hottest thing ever to walk the streets of Terrence. And apparently she pulled it off because men and women fell for her act. Desiree thought she was disgusting but didn’t let on. She had plans for Cindy Lee.

  Desiree’s second week at work, Cindy Lee had cornered her back by the pesticides. She was chewing gum and blowing bubbles. She looked like Mr. Ed chomping a piece of Juicy Fruit. “So which way do you swing?”

  “Excuse me?” Desiree said, opening a case of fox urine. She didn’t know what people did with fox urine but here it evidently had a purpose. She read the label. It was a pest deterrent for squirrels, muskrats, and raccoons. Desiree wondered if it would also deter Cindy Lee.

  “Me and,” smack smack, “the girls,” bubble pop, “Got a bet going that you’re a PLU,” Cindy Lee managed to get out between chomps on the gum.

  Desiree played dumb. “What’s a PLU?”

  “You know,” bubble pop, “People like us.”

  “As in humans?” Desiree took the cap off a bottle of fox urine.

  “No, dummy, as in lesbian people like me and Sarah.” Bubble pop.

  “Oh, well, you know, I’m just me. I don’t do labels.” Desiree recalled Mildred telling her that Cindy Lee and Sarah had broken up. She must have wormed her way back into Sarah’s affections or at least her pants.

  “Don’t be a cop out. Your secret is safe with me.” Bubble pop, double snap. Cindy Lee looked like a cow chewing its cud.

  Sure, Desiree thought sarcastically. I’d trust you with my first-born child…it’d be like asking King Herod to baby-sit.

  “I wonder…what does this stuff smell like?” Desiree said innocently. She sprayed it in Cindy Lee’s direction like she was a perfume salesgirl at the mall. Ack! It was worse than she thought. Desiree’s eyes began to tear up and her nostrils burned.

  “Oh, my God, look what you’ve done!” Cindy Lee yelled, batting the air like she could make the smell dissipate by waving her hands around.

  “Oops,” Desiree said. “My bad.”

  Cindy Lee fanned herself and turned in circles trying to get the odor off. It only stirred the smell up worse.

  “Geez, you smell awful,” Desiree said, taking herself and the box of fox urine to the end of the aisle far, far away from stinky Cindy Lee.

  “What on earth is that smell?” Floyd said, coming around the corner. He pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

  “She…” Cindy Lee jabbed a finger in Desiree’s direction. “Sprayed me with fox pee!”

  “It was an accident,” Desiree said as she straightened out the aerosol cans of ant and roach killer. “I mean we are in the vermin genocide aisle. She shouldn’t have accosted me here. Stuff happens.”

  Floyd let a smile slip and looked like he might laugh but controlled himself. He turned to Cindy Lee and said stoically, “Maybe you should go wash off. I can’t have you around the customers smelling like that.”

  Cindy Lee stalked off, fuming and cussing under her breath.

  Floyd peeked around the corner of the aisle to make sure she was gone and then laughed. He slapped his knee and laughed until he snorted. When he’d composed himself he said, “You did it on purpose, right?”

  Desiree shrugged and smiled wickedly. “The opportunity presented itself and I couldn’t help myself. She’s such a snot and thinks she’s all that.”

  “You certainly brought her down a peg. Oh boy, I wish my friend Mildred could’ve been here.”

  “Mildred?” Desiree tried to act nonchalant.

  “Cindy Lee cheated on Mildred and she left town soon after. She’s Greta’s best friend. Greta misses her real bad. Tell you the truth, so do I.”

  “Well, then Mildred will be pleased to know that fox urine keeps away all kinds of predators. Even land beavers,” Desiree said with a smirk.

  Friday The 13th

  “Floyd hired this new girl and she accidentally sprayed Cindy Lee with fox urine,” Greta said into the phone. “She can’t get the smell off. You should see it. When she walks down th
e street, people part like the Red Sea.”

  Mildred laughed in spite of being lonely and depressed. The laughter flowed out of her like lava. Like she was Mt. St. Helens erupting. But as quick as you can say Jack Robinson the lava turned to hot tears.

  “Oh, honey,” Greta said, “What’s wrong?”

  Mildred snuffled, gurgled, sniffed and finally managed to say, “Desiree left me.”

  “What?” Greta said. “She left? What do you mean she left?”

  Mildred pulled at the box of Kleenex that had become a permanent fixture on the end table in the living room. There was a mound of balled-up tissues on the floor, burying her feet. Qui had taken to wearing yellow Playtex gloves to pick up the mess. Mildred stared at the fish painting above the fireplace and burst into fresh tears.

  “Did you all have a fight or something? Was it another woman?”

  Mildred explained what happened. The Ballyhoo, the dance, the kiss, the leaving, everything.

  “Oh, shoot. That is depressing. I wish I was there and I could give you a big ol’ hug. We’d put a little rum in our Dr. Peppers, eat a ton of ice cream, watch Terms of Endearment and Beaches back to back and cry it all out.”

  “I wish you were here. I miss you somthin’ awful,” Mildred said, snuffling.

  “Why don’t you come home for a visit? Me and Floyd would cheer you up. The swimming hole has warmed up. We could pack a picnic lunch and just hang out. Like old times.”

  “I can’t. I’m booked solid at work for the next two weeks.” Mildred sniffed.

  “Can you still do that, you know, with how you feel about Desiree?” Greta asked.

  Mildred could sense the caution laced in Greta’s tone. “That’s work. It’s a totally different thing from my feelings toward Desiree. She would understand. It’s just business.”

  Greta was quiet for a moment and then said, “I’m just gonna throw this out there and I don’t want you to get mad.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Promise?” Greta said.

  “I promise.”

  “Stick a needle in your eye?”

  “Greta…please.”

  “Well, I was thinking that maybe that’s why Desiree left. Maybe she couldn’t do what you all do and be in love with you at the same time.”

  “And maybe she didn’t want to see me do it either,” Mildred said, catching her drift.

  “Somethin’ like that,” Greta said.

  “Shoot fire, Greta, I think you may be on to something.” Mildred smacked her head like she needed a V-8. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “Sometimes you get too close to a problem. It’s like that tree thing.”

  “Huh?”

  “You know where you see the tree but not the forest behind it. Remember, we learned that in Mr. Grange’s English class.”

  “I thought it was about a tree falling and not making a sound,” Mildred said.

  “No, that was in another class. Psychology, I think. Or science.”

  “Whatever, all trees look alike to me. Now, I just have to find her. I’d give all this up for her,” Mildred said. “I need to tell her that.”

  “Why don’t you hire a P.I. to check it out for you?”

  “Honey Belle already thought of that. She has a P.I. on what they call a retainer. He’s looking everywhere but he hasn’t found hide nor hair of her.”

  “I bet he will though,” Greta said.

  Mildred could feel the smile in Greta’s voice. “I miss you so darn much, Greta. You’ve made me feel so much better.”

  “Like I said, you gotta come home for bit. It’d do you a world of good.”

  “I wish I could,” Mildred mumbled.

  “I got something to tell you. I know this probably ain’t a good time but…” Greta’s voice faltered.

  “But what?” Mildred said. Her heart raced. She didn’t know if she could take any more bad news right now.

  “Floyd and me set the date. Now, I don’t want you to think I settled just cuz he’s convenient. I really do love him, Mildred, I really do. He’s a good man and he’s got prospects. He’d like to buy the Co-op and I think he’ll figure out a way to do it.”

  “Ah, sweetie, that’s great. Floyd is a good man and I know he’ll treat you right.”

  “The wedding’s in August so you a got almost a month to clear your schedule ‘cause you’re going be my maid of honor and I promise you don’t have to wear an ugly dress. You got to come ‘cause it wouldn’t be a wedding if you weren’t there.”

  “Of course. I better come early so I can help you get stuff set up.” Mildred’s mind whirled. She’d already had her DayTimer out to save the date. “What’s the date?”

  “It’s on August 13th.”

  Mildred flipped the pages until she found the month of August. She gasped in horror. “Greta, did you know that’s Friday the 13th?”

  “Yep, we’re doing it then on account of that’s Floyd’s favorite movie. He’s designing his own cake for the bachelor’s party. It’s red cake with a cherry filling so when you cut into it looks like blood and guts. I know it’s weird, but I’d rather him do that than hire a stripper to jump out of the cake.”

  Mildred flinched at the words ‘red cake.’ Red cake made her think of her sexcapade with Agatha. And Agatha made her think of how Desiree helped her through that crisis. And thinking of Desiree made her heart feel vacant and hollow. Mildred shook the thought from her head and asked, “Are you using Preacher Hanson from over at the New First Baptist?”

  “Nope. Floyd and I have been going to the Unitarian Church now. I just couldn’t stand another Sunday of fire and brimstone. We’re getting Preacher Maggie to do the honors. You’ll really like her. The Unitarian church is about love and kindness to your neighbor. We hug a lot and stare into each other’s eyes without blinking.”

  “All right, I’ll be there the Monday before.”

  “Oh, Mildred that’d be great. I’ll keep you posted.”

  “Okay.”

  “Oh, and Mildred, I just know that you’re going find Desiree and then someday I’ll be going to your wedding.”

  “You’re so sweet.”

  “I love you,” Greta said.

  “Love you more,” Mildred said. She hung up her phone and looked forlornly up at the fish painting. She had never felt so all alone in her life.

  Over The Rainbow

  Greta came out the back door of the Co-op and saw Desiree standing in the middle of the employee parking lot by Cindy Lee’s old Chevy truck. Desiree was fiddling around with the truck’s windshield wipers and looking suspicious. Greta tiptoed around a couple of cars, being sure to stay out of Desiree’s line of sight, until she was on the other side of Cindy Lee’s truck. Then she crouched down low and duck-walked around to the hood. She popped up behind Desiree, making moose antlers with her hands, and shouted, “Boo!”

  Desiree about jumped out of her skin. “Mother of God!” She placed her hand over her heart when she saw that it was only Greta. “You scared the stuffing out of me.”

  “Sorry, Diane,” Greta said, laughing. Greta did a double-take on the box of crayons Desiree was holding in her hand. “Say, what’re you doing with those crayons?”

  Desiree looked over both shoulders then whispered conspiratorially, “Getting even.” She pulled a purple crayon out of the box, held it up to the sunlight and scrutinized it. “I can’t find a violet crayon. I guess this’ll just have to do. I’ve got all the other colors.” She held out the red, orange, yellow, green and blue crayons. “I guess I should’ve splurged on the 64 pack.”

  “How’re you going to get even with crayons?” Greta asked as Desiree rummaged through the box.

  “I’m making a rainbow. I read about it the internet. Keep an eye out for me, okay?” Desiree began peeling the paper off the crayons.

  “Okay,” Greta said. She squinted and peered around the parking lot. “What exactly am I keeping an eye out for?”

  “Cindy Lee,” Desiree said. “If yo
u see her coming, whistle a warning.”

  “How about just telling you? I mean, I am standing right here beside you.”

  “Fine,” Desiree said. “Just let me know if you see her.” She stuck the crayons under the truck windshield wiper—perpendicular to the wiper and in rainbow order of color.

  “How’s that going to make a rainbow?”

  “You’ll see,” Desiree said sounding like Dr. Evil.

  “Another question,” Greta said, “Why are you getting even with Cindy Lee? What did she do wrong?”

  “She propositioned me, that’s what.”

  “Really?”

  “She cornered me in the break room. Pushed me up against the vending machine and said she wanted to snack on my Twinkie.”

  “Ewwww,” Greta said.

  “Exactly.”

  “That horrid bitch. She’s already got a Twinkie at home to snack on,” Greta said.

  “That’s why I’m doing this. Not only did she cheat on Mildred, now she’s going to cheat on the girl she cheated on Mildred with. She didn’t get her comeuppance the first time, so I making sure she gets it now,” Desiree said.

  “Oh. So, you’re doing this for Mildred?”

  “I’m doing it for all the Mildreds of the world,” Desiree said. She took Greta by the elbow and led her a few cars away. They squatted by the car’s bumper. There were hidden from view but could still see Cindy Lee’s truck.

  “Speaking of Mildred. I just got off the phone with her.” Greta studied Desiree’s reaction.

  Desiree busied herself rearranging the crayons in the box. “I checked the weather report and they say it’s 98 degrees already. I’m sweating like a pig. Aren’t you hot? How is Mildred by the way?” Desiree hoped she sounded nonchalant.

  “She’s working a lot.”

  “Well, that’s always good.”

  “She sounds sad, though. She misses her friend,” Greta said.

  Desiree could feel Greta’s eyes boring into her.

  “Hunh, what happened?”

  “Her friend just packed up one night and high-tailed it. Mildred never heard from her again.”