When We Kiss
Page 25
Dad opened the door and stepped inside. “Hey, is everything all right?”
Liam knew Dad was asking in reference to his announcement, but Liam couldn’t encapsulate his emotions to just that topic right now. In fact, he was having a hard time managing them at all.
He looked down at the floor, at his scuffed riding boots. “No.” He raised his gaze to Dad’s, feeling cold and shaky. “I’ve never been all right.”
Dad’s face paled with alarm. He moved slowly into the room. “What are you talking about, son?”
“My whole life I hated looking at Alex, seeing what could’ve been me. I pushed every limit to ensure I would never fall short, that I would never be pitied. But if I hadn’t been such a successful prick . . . maybe Alex would still be here.”
Dad shook his head. “That’s asinine. Are you saying we pitied Alex?”
“Maybe not you personally, but most people did. He knew it. Don’t tell me you didn’t know it, too. Alex also knew that I was a total thorn in his side. That if I hadn’t been such a rock star at every goddamned thing, his failings wouldn’t have been so painful.”
Dad sucked in a breath. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not? Alex did.”
Dad shook his head, his face still pale. “I never heard him say anything like that.”
Liam laughed, but there was no humor, just a chilling darkness that threatened to swallow him whole. “I did. Plenty of times. We talked all the time, or maybe you didn’t realize. He called me up at odd hours in strange moods, often rambling.”
“He was bipolar,” Dad said.
“I know. He promised me he was getting help. Want to know the last time I heard him say that to me? That it was my fault he was so depressed all the time?”
Dad turned an odd shade of gray, as if he knew what was going to come next. Fleetingly, Liam realized he shouldn’t tell him. He’d never meant to tell any of them. But the pain and the guilt were absolutely ripping him in two. “He called me that night. Unlike Tori, I picked up. He was borderline incoherent, drunk maybe. I wrote it off as another rambling phone call. He told me that it was over, that I could come home. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he went quiet, and I figured he fell asleep or passed out. Turns out he died. And all I did was hang up the phone, roll over, and go back to sleep.”
Dad stared at him in abject horror. “You did nothing?”
Liam shrugged exaggeratedly, emotion pouring through him. “There was nothing to do. It wasn’t an unusual conversation. There was nothing about it that made me go, ‘Huh, maybe I should make sure he gets some help.’ How fucked up is that?” Liam stood with such force that his chair creaked and rolled a foot behind him.
“Liam, I can’t . . . I don’t know what to say.” Dad went to the bed and sat down, looking utterly crestfallen.
Liam felt like shit. Worse than shit. “Look what I’ve done to you,” he said softly. “All this time you thought I was the golden child, but I’m the misfit, I’m the broken one. Downstairs everyone else is happy and healthy, while I can’t stand the sight of it. I can’t bear to be here anymore.”
He turned and pulled the drive from his laptop, then shoved it into the pocket of his leather jacket, which he’d never taken off. His legs trembling, he started for the door.
Dad’s words halted him at the threshold. “Don’t run away. We’ll work through this. Tell me you’re okay, that I don’t need to have you committed or something.”
Liam turned and went back to the bed. He rested his hand on Dad’s shoulder. Dad looked up at him, tears in his eyes.
“I’m not like Alex in that way. But I am a selfish ass, just like he was. I don’t know how to fix this.”
Dad put his hand over Liam’s. “We’ll do it together.” A tear slid from his cheek, and it pushed Liam over the edge.
“I can’t right now. I’m sorry.” He bolted from the room and ran to his bike, then sped off into the darkness.
Chapter Nineteen
THE POUNDING ON Aubrey’s front door left no question in her mind as to who was making the noise. She’d gone upstairs to change but had only gotten as far as stripping her shoes and socks from her feet. Now she ran down to the entry, arriving just as he’d stopped banging.
She threw the door open and sucked in a sharp breath. “Liam.”
His face was anguished, his eyes a stormy blue-gray. In his fingers, he clutched a flash drive. “Please tell me I can come in. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“Come in.” She opened the door wider, and he stepped inside. “Give me your helmet.” She set it on the window seat in the front room, then went back to him. “Your coat.”
He shrugged out of it, and she took care of hanging it in her closet. When she came back, he was still standing there, a forlorn look in his eyes. He was scaring the crap out of her.
What had happened? Hadn’t he gone home? Hadn’t he heard the good news? It didn’t look like it.
Oh God. What if he had gone home? What if this was because of whatever Alex had left him?
Aubrey’s gut clenched. She took his hand and tried to pull him into the front room, to sit down with her so she could figure out what had him so paralyzed.
But he wouldn’t move. He just stood there and stared at her fingers clutching his. “Will you watch this video with me?” He held out his other hand, the flash drive in his palm.
Oh no. Was that from Alex? That was what had been in the box?
“I can’t watch it alone.” He looked up at her, his eyes so wounded she wanted to cry. “Unless you’ve already watched it.”
She shook her head. “No.” She coughed to clear the emotion from her throat. “I didn’t know what was in the box. He left everyone letters. He left you that.”
“Always something different for me.” He smiled wryly, but there was so much pain behind it, and it was quickly replaced with a grimace.
She clasped his hand more tightly and took the flash drive from him. “Come and sit down. I’ll get my computer.”
She situated him on the couch in her TV room. He sat on the edge, his expression one of fear and anxiety. He looked as if he might run.
She touched his knee. “I’ll be right back.”
Grabbing her laptop from her bag in the kitchen, she hurried back to him. She sat beside him and put the computer on the coffee table, opening it. Then she slipped the flash drive into the USB port and opened the file. For Liam. Her heart twisted.
She wound her fingers through his and squeezed.
The video started.
Alex stood at the airfield where Liam had taken her for their flight that morning. It was a bright day but was obviously winter, judging from the bare limbs of the trees in the distance behind him. Alex wore Aviators and a baseball hat. God, he looked so much like Liam. It was sometimes hard to remember that they’d been identical twins.
He grinned at the camera. “Hey, Liam! Look where I am. And guess what it’s my turn to do?”
The camera panned to a plane. Standing just outside the open door was the man Aubrey had met earlier that day—Rylan. He was rigged up for skydiving.
Liam’s jaw dropped. “He’s going to jump. His doctor said he shouldn’t do that. He begged me a thousand times to take him, but I always said no. I took him flying—with an oxygen tank—but never diving.”
His grip tightened on her hand as Alex came back on the screen. “That’s right. I finally get to jump. See you up there!”
The image switched to the interior of the plane. Alex was hooked up to Rylan, his face half-covered in goggles but his grin completely visible. He gave a thumbs-up to the camera, and the cameraman dove from the plane.
Aubrey inhaled sharply. Watching it was almost as terrifying as actually doing it. Or so she imagined. The camera caught the sky and the wind for a brief second before turning and capturing Alex and Rylan as they jumped.
“God damn you, Rylan,” Liam breathed.
The camera picked up Alex’s exclamation
as he hit the air and tracked him as he descended. The noise was too loud to hear anything that was being said, but Alex’s expression communicated everything—excitement, exhilaration, sheer joy.
After about a minute, the parachute went up, slowing their speed until they were gently coasting in the air. Alex shouted toward the camera, “That was fucking amazing!” Then he coughed until his face turned red.
Liam’s grip on her hand was almost unbearably tight. “Why the hell isn’t he wearing oxygen?”
She rubbed her thumb along his hand and murmured, “Liam.”
He loosened his hold, muttering, “Sorry.”
They watched Alex glide to earth and step onto the ground. Aubrey was surprised at how effortless it looked, as if he’d just stepped off a bus.
Rylan unhitched them from each other, cutting Alex loose. Alex pushed his goggles up and raised his fist to the sky. “Hell yeah!” He laughed as he turned back to the camera, then coughed again. “I wish you would’ve let me do this with you.” His expression sobered. “Just once. Don’t be mad at Rylan. It took me years to convince him, and I signed all sorts of waivers and shit.”
Liam looked at Aubrey. She shook her head. “I didn’t know anything about this.”
The video went black for a second. When it came back, it was just Alex sitting in front of a camera. It looked like his bedroom. His hair was a bit long, and the top was mussed, as if he’d been playing with it. He looked pale, almost gray really, but he also wasn’t wearing his oxygen.
He picked up a beer bottle and took a drink. “Shhh. Don’t tell Dad that I smuggle this beer into the house.”
Liam’s lips curled into an almost-smile. “That was Alex’s beer of choice when we weren’t at an Archer pub. It was his favorite, but we never told Dad that.”
That was cute. Funny. See, this wasn’t so bad.
Alex wiped his mouth and looked into the camera. “So here’s the deal. One week from today, I’m pulling the plug. I figure I’ve done everything I planned to do. The rest is up to all of you. I could spend hours sitting here talking to you, but we talk enough. Although it isn’t really about anything important, is it?” He sat back in his chair. “We talk about sports, whether you’re screwing someone, whether I’m getting laid at all, blah, blah. But we never talk about the Big Issues.” He raised his eyebrows as he said the last two words. Then he smiled. “You hate me, I hate you, you love me, I love you. It’s a vicious cycle. I appreciate you staying away—that was a very cool and selfless thing you did there. I know how much you wanted to stay and take over Archer Real Estate. But now you can come home. You better get your ass home.”
Alex took another drink of beer.
Aubrey glanced over at Liam. His gaze was glued to the computer screen.
“I’ve set up this trust with an attorney. She’s a total babe, by the way, but not interested in me. She’s not your type either, so leave her alone. She’s a nice girl, smarter than both of us put together.”
Aubrey stifled a smile.
“I bought that crappy old monastery on the hill, and you’re all going to come home and fix it up into a hotel. Plus there’ll be a restaurant for Kyle to run. I know you think he’s a loser, but he’s not. He just needs the right motivation. We all do, right?”
Alex ran his hand through his hair. That explained why it looked the way it did. “Now that I’m gone—by the time you see this, I will be—I hope you’ll get your ass home. For good.” He cocked his head to the side. “You know, I honestly have no idea when you’ll even get this video. I’m telling Aubrey to give it to you when you go completely over the edge with some trick. But maybe she won’t know. Maybe you’ll keep hiding stuff from people.” He exhaled and shook his head. “Whatever. Like I said, Aubrey’s a smart girl. I completely trust her to figure this out and do it right.
“So why am I bothering to film this video? Mostly I wanted you to see me jump. It was so awesome, I actually considered doing that—jumping off a bridge or a building—instead of taking the pills I bought for next week.” He picked up a bottle from his desk and waved it in front of the camera. “See? All ready.
“Anyway, I decided not to jump because there’s too much of a chance of some a-hole seeing me and stopping me. Not chancing that. I’ve got it all worked out so that no one can interrupt me or find me until it’s over.”
He took two drinks of beer in quick succession, then looked down for a moment. When he looked back up, he looked apologetic, which was a first for this video. “This is going to really suck for everyone. I know that. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. But I just can’t anymore. I’m done. I’m ready. I’m not afraid. Please tell Mom I wasn’t afraid. And tell her I love her. More than anyone on this earth, I love her. And Dad.” He bowed his head again, and when he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. “I love you, too.”
He blinked, then drank more beer. “I think we’re just about done here. I don’t know what the future holds for you, Liam, but I hope it’s good. I hope you’ll let it be good. You deserve it. You really do.”
He smiled into the camera. “See you on the other side.”
Then the screen faded to black.
Aubrey reached forward and closed the laptop. When she turned her head to look at Liam, she saw a tear streaking down his face. He just sat there, not moving, his gaze fixed on the far wall.
Aubrey turned toward him and laid her free hand on his knee. “Are you okay?”
“My dad asked me that earlier. I told him I’d never been okay.” He wiped a hand over his eye. “You heard what he said. He hated me, I hated him. It wasn’t okay.”
Aubrey understood why Alex might’ve hated Liam, but she wasn’t sure she got the other half of the equation. Was it the guilt? “Why did you hate him?”
Liam exhaled and sat back, leaning his head against the top edge of the couch. “Because I spent my whole life thinking, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ Why was I born this way and he was born that way? Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t looked so fucking identically alike. It was like looking in a mirror, a sick, twisted, alternate reality . . . or hell.” He turned his head to look at her. “Does that make any sense at all?”
She nodded, clutching his hand and trying to give him strength, understanding, love. “I’ve wondered how you dealt with that. I can’t imagine. And it seemed . . . Well, it seemed you hadn’t really grieved his death. You were angry, then you were sort of flippant. And then sometimes you were angry again. I don’t remember you being particularly sad.”
“I didn’t let myself think about it. I still don’t. Being here in Ribbon Ridge forces me to think about it. He’s not here. Things are different. Everyone’s different. They’re happy, they’ve moved on. It’s like he was never here.”
She could tell he didn’t like that. And it said so much about why he stayed away. On one hand, it seemed like he could maybe come home now and jump right in, moving on and leaving Alex in the past. But she sensed he didn’t really want to do that. “If you aren’t here, you can pretend that he still is.”
“Uh, yeah.” He stared at her. “I can’t believe you get that. I wasn’t even sure I got that until a minute ago.”
She smiled. “I think I know you pretty well by now, Liam Archer.”
He sat up and turned on the couch, facing her. “What he said in the video about you is completely true. You’re smarter than both of us and not my type—at least not in my league.”
She laughed. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
His brow creased. “The pressure Alex put on you, the expectation . . . It’s really unfair. I’d like to punch him out.”
“No more than I do.” She inwardly cringed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t say that.”
“Why not? I did.”
“Okay, he deserves a swift kick in the ass. He left a package on the doorstep of the law firm with a letter to me and all of your letters—and your video.”
“He left you a letter?”
“He said that? That he was free?” Liam snorted. “That’s nice for him while the rest of us struggle to keep from drowning in all the shit he left behind.”
She straightened her spine as she thought of all the emotional upheaval Alex had caused. “You know what? I take that back. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I haven’t made it any easier, have I?” he asked softly.
“No, you haven’t. It’s been tough enough, but it’s even harder when you’re falling in love with one of the parties and you’re trying really hard not to.” She hadn’t meant to say it but realized there was no point hiding it anymore. She loved him. So much. If she hadn’t before tonight, she would’ve been helplessly gone by now.
He touched her face, his fingertips gentle against her cheek. “You love me?”
She nodded, her heart catching in her throat.
The deep, torturous emotions that had been so evident before had eased away. He looked at her with wry humor. “Well, I certainly don’t deserve that.”
“No, you don’t. You also don’t deserve me inviting you to stay tonight, but I’m doing that anyway. I don’t want you riding your motorcycle after that.”
He continued stroking her cheek, lulling her into a blissful state. “Should I sleep on the couch?”
He should. They’d resolved nothing. Were they friends? Were they lovers? She didn’t know, and right now she didn’t care. She just knew that he needed her, and she wanted him.
She cupped her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. Softly. Gently. With all the love bursting from her heart. “I don’t care where you choose, so long as you understand I’m going to be there with you.”
FOR THE FIRST time in ages, maybe in forever, Liam let go of his emotions. He didn’t try to hold himself in check or turn himself away from the light. He tasted her kiss, and he utterly surrendered.