Two Captains, One Chair: An Alaskan Romantic Comedy

by Marlow, Shaye

  “You… did they…” I swallowed hard “… do anything?”

  The girls smiled at me, their faces empty of understanding.

  “We may be dirty, Suzy,” Zack said, “but we’re not that dirty. We were just looking for shelter.”

  “Yeah, after we lost our clothes, we had to find something,” Rory agreed.

  I looked them over. “You were only out there for two days. How did you lose your clothes?”

  “Well, there was this bear, and we were hungry, and for what we had planned, we needed to get close, so we needed camouflage, and so we—”

  I held up my hand. “Never mind. Just—never mind.”

  I turned back to the girls. “Thank you so much for bringing them back,” I said, even though it tasted like a lie coming out of my mouth. “They’re helping me with some repairs on my roof,” I explained.

  The girls looked up at my roof, then back at me.

  “They’re also a little—” I spun my finger around my ear “—special,” was the word I settled on.

  A look of understanding dawned. “Ooooh,” said one.

  The other climbed down and started to untie their wrists. “You poor dears. We thought you might be escaped convicts, criminals. Not—” She stopped to make the most deliciously emasculating cooing noise I’d ever heard. “We just didn’t realize. I’m sooo sorry,” she gushed.

  Zack and Rory shifted from foot to foot, looking embarrassed. I enjoyed their discomfort as the girl untied them.

  “Oh how cute!” the girls said as Mimi bounded up, not noticing the way the brothers flinched back. They stooped to pet her. She preened, and made them giggle as she lipped at their skirts.

  After I offered them gas for the return trip, which they politely declined, and after Mimi had gotten her fill of attention, the two girls were on their way. Their engine sounds faded as they drove back into the woods.

  I opened my front door, then turned and looked at the brothers. “Come in,” I ordered. “Now,” I added when they hesitated.

  They trooped into my kitchen, barefoot and shivering. I closed the door, turned around, and looked at them.

  It started with a wobble of my lip. “You… bible c-camp girls…” was all I was able to get out before “…Bwahahahaha!”

  I laughed. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, until my ribs ached.

  I’d been thinking about using them for orgasms. Now I was thinking they might be better for their entertainment value—so long as they weren’t breaking my stuff.

  “…a-a-a bear!” I howled with laughter while pointing at their homemade grass panties.

  They shifted around, their expressions becoming disgruntled.

  My giggles wound down. I wiped my eyes, and grinned like an idiot. Part of my good mood, I could acknowledge, was probably Ed’s doing from earlier today. Or… ‘doing Ed’ earlier today? Eh, either way. I’d gotten some, and the world was rosy. Even the brothers were kinda rosy.

  Oh wait, that was a blush.

  “Oh my god, you two are idiots,” I pronounced. I should have glared at them, yelled at them, but I just wasn’t in the mood, and besides: I knew it wouldn’t do any good.

  It was time to come up with a new plan.

  “Okay, look, I have a deal for you,” I said.

  They perked up.

  “I’m missing a gold nugget. It’s about this big,” I said, showing them with my hands. “I think it’s been stolen, but it might just be lost around here somewhere. In the cabin, in my boat, I don’t know. But I tell you what: If you can find it, I’ll let you go. Release you from duty, so to speak. Deal?”

  They looked at each other. “Deal,” said Zack. Rory slid open my silverware drawer and bent to peer behind the tray.

  “Nonono,” I said, pushing him toward the door. “Tomorrow. Start tomorrow. I’m tired, I’m going to bed, and I don’t want you keeping me up with your rummaging noises. Go sleep. And for the love of drunken piglets, find some clothes!” I yelled out after them.

  I closed the door, and leaned back against it, thinking again of Ed. I caught myself smiling, remembering his hands on me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back with a little moan. His hands. I sighed.

  Then I jumped away from the door, scooped up my phone, and barricaded myself in my room.

  I called Helly.

  “Yup?” she answered.

  “Your brothers are back. Also, I had sex with him.”

  “Wait… Suzy? What? Sex with… Ed?”

  I sprawled back on my bed, smiling up at the ravaged ceiling. “Yeah.”

  She squealed into the phone, making my grin crack even wider. Then she squealed some more. “And?” she finally asked.

  “He’s amazing,” I said. “Amazing. Wonderful. Thorough. Spectacular with his hands.”

  “And with his tongue?”

  “Yeah,” I said with a sigh.

  More squeals, and finally: “So he wasn’t a virgin.” Her tone was wry.

  “No. There’s just one thing,” I said. I sat back up. “He’s still got that secret. And it’s a big one.”

  “Well, so we need to figure out what it is,” Helly said.

  “I need to know what he’s hiding,” I agreed. “I was thinking, if we sneak up on the bar, if they don’t know we’re coming…”

  “If they think you’re not even around, if they think you’re actually in town, maybe…”

  I sat up straight. “Yes! He’ll never expect me if I’m not even here.” I frowned. “So I need an emergency, something to take me outta here quickly, except—”

  “—except you don’t actually leave!” Helly said. “You could come stay at my place until it’s time to raid the bar.”

  “Yes! Perfect! Okay… but what’s my emergency?”

  Helly began to chuckle.

  “Dotty, I’ll be there in a few minutes. I’ve got a plane picking me up. It’s an emergency.” Yes, a float plane could have picked me up in front of my place instead, but this needed to happen in front of the neighborhood gossip. The other neighborhood gossip.

  Dotty gasped. “What’s going on?”

  I let the silence draw out in a grave, mysterious kind of way. Then I made what I hoped sounded like a muffled sob. “I’ll tell you when I get there. I… gotta go.” I hung up before she could ask me anything else. Then I grabbed my coat, and hustled out the door.

  Dotty met me down at the river in front of her place a few minutes later. “Suzy, you’ve got me so worried. What’s going on?” she asked.

  “I… shouldn’t,” I said. “I’ve just… gotta get to town.” My hesitations were due to me being a terrible liar, but I hoped it sounded like I was being overcome with emotion. I rushed past her toward the airstrip, where my chartered plane waited on the gravel runway.

  “You can spare just a minute, right? Oh, Rob’ll wait. Come in, have a cup of tea. Tell me what’s happened.” Dotty looked so worried.

  Okay, now I felt a little bad. “All right,” I said. I let her lead me into the cabin, push me into a chair. Tea appeared within moments, and then her concerned face came level with mine across the steam as she sat.

  She reached out and touched my hand. “Tell me.”

  I sucked in a hitching breath. “Promise you won’t tell Ed?” I asked.

  Her eyes started to gleam. They flickered toward the phone. “Of course I won’t,” she promised.

  “Okay, I trust you,” I said, hoping she felt bad about this later. The woman was incorrigible!

  I took a sip of the tea, hesitating, drawing out the mystery. “I…” I sniffled, hoping it sounded real. I tried to make my eyes water, and actually managed it when I thought about Ralph.

  “Yes?” Dotty prompted after a few more moments of silence.

  “I’ve…”

  “Oh, Suzy, whatever it is, you can tell me. Spit it out. It can’t be that bad.”

  “I’ve miscarried.” I let my shoulders droop. There, I’d said it. I’d told the whopper. I peered up at her thro
ugh my lashes, wondering if she’d bought it.

  Oh, yeah. She’d taken the bait. Hook, line, and sinker.

  Dotty clapped a hand over her chest, and squeezed my hand with the other. “Oh, you poor dear. Are you okay? It was Ed’s?”

  “Yeah.” I was going to burn in Hell.

  If she hadn’t been like a shark smelling blood in the water, frenzied by the scent of a juicy rumor, Dotty would have known something wasn’t right. I’d complained about not being able to get in Ed’s pants at the Passion Party. Meaning, there was no way I was already carrying his baby. But I was banking on this lie being so sensational, she wouldn’t question it, and so confidential, she’d have to tell. One that, in her judgement, Ed ought to know.

  After sealing my fate, I needed to make my exit before I gave myself away. I pushed to my feet, crossed to the door. Hesitated there. Glanced at her. Hoped my eyes were still watering convincingly.

  “I’m going to the doctor now,” I said. “Just… don’t tell Ed, okay?”

  “I won’t. Cross my heart.” Her hand was already creeping toward the phone. I suddenly felt much less bad.

  I ran out the door then, needing to turn away before she saw my smile. I jumped in the flight service plane, and we took off headed toward Anchorage. A couple minutes later, I looked out the window, trying to estimate the distance.

  “You think we’re out of her sight yet?” I asked into my headset.

  The pilot, a grizzled redhead in his forties, glanced over at me, and then back out the forward window. “Give it another minute.”

  At the end of that minute, Rob pulled us into a hard turn to the left, and flew us back upstream on the other side of the river. He made some adjustments to his hydraulic landing gear, and we swooped down over the trees to land on floats on Helly’s lake.

  Helly caught us, and pulled us up alongside her dock. “Did she buy it?” she asked as soon as I opened the door.

  I stepped out. “Yeah. She was already reaching for the phone.”

  Helly gave me a high-five.

  “I think this is gonna work perfectly,” I said. Ed would believe I was in town today. So he would never expect it, and wouldn’t try to stop me, when I walked into his bar—and found out just exactly what the sexy, secretive handyman was up to.

  We turned Rob’s float plane around, and then started up to Helly’s cabin.

  J.D. was there, again, playing his video games. This time, he looked up. “What’re you two up to?” he asked.

  I thought quick. “Pajama party.” I wasn’t wearing pajamas, but luckily I had a bag slung over my shoulder that might look like pajamas.

  His gaze swept over me. “Uh-huh.” He glanced out the window, at the plane now charging across the lake. “Don’t you own a boat? Two boats?”

  “Uh…” I looked at Helly, then back at him.

  J.D.’s eyes narrowed.

  Helly whacked him upside the head. “Quit interrogating my guests.”

  “Ow.” He rubbed the spot. “You guys gonna be here all day, then?”

  “Yup,” Helly blithely lied.

  I tensed up, wondering how on earth we were going to walk out the door after that little proclamation. Shoot him with a dart?

  “Then, can I use your boat? I heard the fish are really biting up at Mooreson’s Slough.”

  Helly narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re not planning on picking up Zack and Rory, right?”

  “Right,” J.D said, his tone suspiciously mild.

  “Good, because they’re being punished. So long as you promise it’s just you, you may.”

  “Sure. It’s just me.” J.D. turned back to the TV—Mario Brothers this time. There was no way what he was saying wasn’t at least partially a lie, but Helly didn’t seem to notice or care.

  “Wanna sit out on the deck?” Helly asked. “Or maybe try out Gary’s new hot tub?”

  I made a face at the same time as J.D.’s soft sound of disgust. “Considering I don’t want to bear Gary’s child, no, I’ll pass on the hot tub, thanks.”

  “Wise decision,” J.D. muttered.

  Helly shot him a look. “Deck it is.”

  We stepped out. I was careful to close the sliding door, then sat next to her. “We’re taking Gary’s boat, then?” I asked quietly.

  “Yep.” Helly’d already picked up her binoculars, ready to get in some quality bird-watching.

  I pulled out my phone.

  “Now what are you up to?” Helly asked.

  I sighed. “I’m going to do something I’ll most likely regret.”

  She looked at me quizzically.

  “I’m calling the Troopers about that nugget. I just—I haven’t had any luck, and I’m running out of time. Yes, we’re about to figure out what’s up with Ed, but… what if he has nothing to do with the nugget? I don’t really think he’s my thief. Maybe the Troopers will have some strings they can pull, some contacts. Something.” I blew out a heavy breath and stared at the phone, still hesitating.

  Helly reached over and patted my arm. “It’ll work out,” she said. “Whatever you decide to do, it’ll work out. Not all cops are like your dad.”

  I smiled at her.

  And as the phone rang, I thought back to my deception this morning. I wondered how Ed was going to take the news….

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Gary asked.

  “No,” I said.

  “But with you in charge of security,” Helly said, “we should survive.”

  Gary peered over the bush in front of him, his dart gun held at the ready. We were hunkered in the woods at the edge of the bar’s property, watching people come in and out of the front door. The activity looked normal enough, but the last time I’d been in there, the bar had been empty. And then, of course, two guys had grabbed me, and Ed had tried to intimidate me.

  There was something going on here. Something fishy. We just needed to get close enough to figure out what.

  I pulled my boonie hat down. I’d found the wide-brimmed thing in the back of a closet, and figured I was so much shorter than everyone else that if I kept it low over my forehead, they shouldn’t be able to identify me. I’d tied my hair back in a severe bun at the nape of my neck, and then dressed up in my least-cute, least-me outfit: An old Alaska T-shirt I’d picked up at a garage sale, an equally out-of-style thick wool shirt somebody had shrunk until it was my size, and ratty jeans.

  “What’s the plan?” I whispered. I nudged aside a few long blades of grass for a clearer view of the front of the building.

  “Hey, you’re our fearless leader,” Gary pointed out. “I’m just security.”

  I shot him a look.

  “You said they acted like they recognized you,” Helly said. “Like they didn’t want you, specifically, to see something. So could we just waltz in there, and you keep your hat pulled down?”

  Gary groaned. “Is this what happens when women are left in charge?” he asked.

  “What’s wrong with that plan?” I asked.

  “That plan’s gonna get us all caught, and then Ed’s gonna have to make three sandwiches. And I don’t know about you,” he said, narrowing his eyes at the front door as another fishing guide disappeared inside, “but I’m not in the mood for peanut butter and jelly.”

  “Why don’t you tell us your plan, sweetie,” Helly said. After she’d found out his last name was Sweet, she just hadn’t been able to let it go.

  What I found even funnier was that her name was gonna be Sweet if she told him yes. And of course she was going to tell him yes. Anybody who’d ever looked into his emerald eyes would have told him yes, and really, it didn’t matter the question.

  “My plan is, I shoot anyone who gets in our way, and double tap anybody that gets back up.”

  I exchanged glances with Helly that were at once ridiculing and considering. I could practically read her mind, and we were definitely on the same page. We agreed men were generally dumb brutes, but in this particular ca
se, it’d probably get us where we needed to go, so long as…

  “You mean with your darts, right?” I checked. He also had a 9mm Beretta on his hip.

  “No, I’m just going to kill half the guides on the river,” Gary said. He glanced over, saw our expressions, and laughed. “Oh my god, I’m kidding. I swear, I will not kill anyone.”

  “What about that guide with the irritating, thin, used-car-salesman beard?” Helly asked.

  Gary rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “That is some really offensive facial hair. Maybe—”

  “Okay, okay,” I said, interrupting what was most likely going to be a long, deeply philosophical discussion about what type of facial hair would qualify someone for the death sentence. “Back on track. Let’s go with your plan. Are you ready?”

  Gary and Helly nodded. We waited until another fisherman had disappeared into the bar, and then we walked out of the bushes. At least, Gary and Helly walked.

  I snuck.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Gary asked, stopping to look back at me as I slunk along behind him.

  “Sneaking,” I whispered, shooing him along.

  Gary groaned. “There’s not even any cover. Just—straighten up and walk like a normal person. You’re less suspicious that way. And I’ll be less embarrassed to be seen with you.”

  Helly slapped him on the shoulder.

  “What?” he asked her.

  I pushed at both their backs. “Just—go!” I hissed. There was another boat coming up the river, and it looked like it was angling for the bar.

  We moved to the front door, Gary carrying his dart rifle casually, like everyone carried their dart rifles into the bar. It was Alaska, but no, that wasn’t a normal occurrence.

  Just as it had been last time, the long room was near-empty, with the only two occupants at the bar ordering drinks. We heard cheering, but there were no bodies, no throats to produce the noise.

  A door opened to our left, one I would have said was a bathroom, but when it did, the noise got louder. I glanced at Helly, and saw she’d noticed it, too.

  The guy who came out of that door noticed us. He pulled up short, staring first at Gary, then Helly. Then his eyes dropped to me. They widened, and his body tensed. My heart raced, knowing we were caught.