The Lies That Define Us

by Micalea Smeltzer

  And if that’s what she wanted, that’s what she was going to get.

  I parked my Jeep in the garage and hopped out. I grabbed my bags from the back and left her to get hers. An asshole move? Yes. But the worst was yet to come.

  I headed inside, and Ari trailed behind me. When we reached the foyer she gasped in surprise when she saw all of her bags neatly packed and waiting by the front door.

  “Liam?” Her voice was soft and full of hurt. It fucking pained me, but I had to do what I had to do. She wanted to end it, and I needed a clean break.

  I started up the stairs but stopped on the third stair and turned around to face her. I towered above her from my perch; she looked so incredibly small standing beside her bags.

  “I’ve already arranged for you to stay with Rebecca. She’ll be here to pick you up any minute.”

  She inhaled a shaky breath. I watched the tears pool in her eyes. “So that’s it then? You’re kicking me out?”

  I shook my head roughly, snorting. “Don’t try to make this out to be my fault. I’m not the bad guy here. This is you, all you.”

  She wrapped her arms around her body like she was trying to hold herself together.

  I wished she knew that I was dying inside.

  I’d thought I’d known what it was like to be hurt when Kennedy cheated on me and my best friend betrayed me, but standing there, staring at Ari and the tears threatening to escape her lids, was a thousand times worse. It was like someone had shoved a knife in my chest and twisted it.

  “You knew this would have to happen,” I told her, surprised by how steady my voice sounded even though I was breaking on the inside.

  She nodded and sniffled. “Yeah, I was going to leave anyway.”

  I didn’t know what to say then. I’ll miss you, was too personal. Stay safe, sounded too ominous. And, I love you. I will always love you, was the truth, but I couldn’t say it.

  Clearing my throat, I stole one last glance at her standing in the foyer. I took in her long legs accentuated by the pair of white shorts she wore, her smooth stomach exposed in her pink, lace-looking top, and her dark hair hanging wild around her shoulders.

  Lastly, I looked into her eyes, and I saw the same turmoil in hers that I felt on the inside. My eyes, though, only reflected anger back at her. I was good at concealing my emotions—too good, sometimes.

  Without saying goodbye, I turned and walked the rest of the way upstairs, leaving behind the last part of my heart in her hands.

  ***

  Hours later, when I emerged from my room, she was gone.

  Of course she was, but it still stung.

  I hadn’t realized how much I missed hearing her move through the house, or seeing her flip-flops lying on the floor—the little things.

  I grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and collapsed on the couch. I didn’t turn the TV on or any music. I couldn’t bear to hear any of it. Besides, no noise could drown out the raucous in my head.

  Before Ari, I was by myself most of the time. It never bothered me. Right then, though, it was the worst fucking feeling in the world.

  She’d forever changed me, and there was no going back.

  I’d wished she was there.

  But it was too late.

  It had to be done.

  ***

  Before I knew it, a whole week had passed.

  A whole fucking week without Ari.

  It was the worst seven days of my life, and to know that I’d probably never see her again killed me.

  I knew it was my own fault—both of ours—but I couldn’t do anything to change it. She’d made her decision, and I had made mine.

  I paddled out on the water, and not even of the prospect of excellent waves could cheer me up.

  “Dude,” Ollie groaned, “you need to go talk to her. Talia says she’s as miserable and mopey as you.”

  “You don’t know what happened,” I growled at him.

  He rolled his eyes and tied his long hair back in a bun so it was out of his way. “Yeah, because neither one of you idiots will tell anyone why. If you’re both going to be so stupid, you might as well be miserable.”

  “Thanks, Ollie. I feel the love,” I sneered, and he gave me the finger.

  Jeremiah and Brady weren’t joining us. According to Ollie, they couldn’t take my moping anymore. I figured that was doubtful. They were more than likely working.

  I paddled out farther and then sat up on my board.

  The sky was clear, only a few white clouds could be seen, and the sun was blazing hot. It was the perfect kind of day for surfing, but my heart wasn’t in it. I needed the distraction, though, and Ollie had known that. I’d been avoiding the water since I got home. I rarely even left my house—only to go out and take photos. At least with photography I could tell a story, portray my heartache and pain in some sort of way that I couldn’t do with surfing.

  Ollie grew quiet, which was strange since the guy was always talking, and I knew that probably didn’t bode well for me. He was more than likely about to deliver an epic speech on how I needed to get my shit together.

  “You know, Liam,” he began and I let out a groan. Totally called it. “I was your friend when no one else was—”

  “You made yourself my friend,” I interrupted.

  “Logistics.” Ollie waved his hand in dismissal. “Anyway, I was your friend when no one else was. I’ve seen you treat people like shit because it was easier not to care. But when Ari came into your life—”

  “When you forced her into my life,” I interrupted again.

  He glared at me, and seeing Ollie mad was pretty comical. The guy looked like a disgruntled puppy that had his toy taken away.

  “Shut up and let me talk,” he snapped.

  I raised my hands innocently. “Okay, talk. I won’t say anything more.” I lowered my hands to the board, bobbing up and down with the motion of the waves.

  “She makes you better, man, that’s all I’m trying to say. You’re kind of an insufferable asshole without her.”

  I snorted.

  “It’s true. Don’t shoot the messenger.” He raised his hands innocently.

  “It’s over with me and her. Nothing can fix this. It’s not worth it.”

  Ollie studied me for a moment, seeming to think very deeply about something. “When you love someone, that’s worth everything. Give it time, Liam.”

  I shook my head. “Time won’t make this better.”

  “You’re right,” he nodded, “it won’t. But in time, you’ll see that you were wrong to not try to work it out, but by then, it’ll be too late. Time waits for no one. We’re all slaves to it.”

  I squinted out at the waves, something about those words resonating with me when nothing else had.

  I didn’t know if I could do it, though—put my heart on the line again. I’d laid it all out there for her, fucking begged her not to end it like that. The last thing I could handle would be having her reject me a second time.

  I’d guessed time would only tell what would happen.

  And like Ollie said, time fucks all of us.

  You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

  Ari

  Everyone is a liar.

  Some lies we tell are bigger, and some smaller.

  A lie, no matter its size, can tear people apart.

  Lies define us.

  And me?

  I was the biggest liar of them all.

  I lied to myself. I lied to Liam. I lied to everyone around me.

  I was buried so deep in lies that I was beginning to wonder what was real and what wasn’t.

  “How’s that couch treating you?” Rebecca asked, breezing out of her bedroom and into the small kitchen.

  “Eh,” I groaned.

  “That bad, huh?” She laughed, rifling through the refrigerator for the carton of eggs. “Are you ever going to tell me what happened with you and Liam?”

  I rolled my eyes. In the week I’d been staying there, she’d
asked me that every day.

  “Not in this century.” I rubbed at my tired eyes.

  “So, when I’m reincarnated you’ll tell me?”

  I laughed and shoved the blankets off my legs. “Yep, you bet.”

  “My future self holds you to that.” She pointed a spatula at me. “You want some eggs?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I shrugged, heading to the bathroom to shower. I’d offer to help her, but there was only room for one person in her kitchen. The whole place was tiny, and her rent was super expensive. I insisted on contributing for as long as I stayed—which wouldn’t be much longer. I’d found a place to stay in Wyoming, and I was putting the deposit down that night when I was able to get to transfer the money. It was an out of the way place, in the middle of nowhere, and I figured I’d be safe there for a while. I’d already come to terms with the fact that I’d have to live the life of a nomad. I’d grown too attached to the people in California, and it had made me stay, but I wouldn’t make that mistake again. I wouldn’t be making any friends in Wyoming, so it’d be easier to leave when the time came.

  Rebecca, Ollie, nor Talia, knew I was leaving. I didn’t want any of them to ask questions or to beg me to stay. Besides, they’d want to stay in touch and I couldn’t allow that to happen, as much as I wanted to keep them in my life.

  I had to say goodbye to them.

  To all of it.

  I didn’t have to work that day, but Rebecca did, so I was using the time to get everything in order. As soon as my apartment was secured, I was on a bus out of there. I knew Rebecca, Ollie and Talia, and maybe even Liam would be shocked and hurt by my sudden disappearance, but it was what I had to do. Rebecca, Ollie, and Talia would never understand why I would leave without saying goodbye, but Liam would know, and I took comfort in that.

  When I emerged from the bathroom, dressed for the day in a pair of shorts and a tank top, I found Rebecca washing her plate with mine waiting for me on the counter.

  “Your eggs will be cold, slow poke,” she quipped, washing off the frying pan.

  “That’s okay.” I shrugged, taking a bite. They tasted like rubber in my mouth. I hadn’t been able to stomach much the past week.

  I chewed and swallowed, repeating the process over and over until all the eggs were gone. I stood and rinsed off my plate while Rebecca went to shower.

  I then busied myself by wiping down the counters—paying careful attention to the spot where Rebecca put her coffee cup down, because she always sloshed coffee everywhere and then left the dark liquid to dry in the spot.

  When there was nothing left to clean, I folded the blankets I slept under and stacked them and the pillows in the corner out of sight. I didn’t want her living room to constantly look like a bedroom.

  I turned the TV on and went through the channels, but nothing held my attention. It was impossible for anything to. My mind was on a constant loop.

  Liam. Liam. Liam.

  I wondered how he was. What he was doing. If he ever thought of me.

  I wondered things I wasn’t allowed to wonder anymore—like if he still loved me, or thought about those few blissful moments that fateful morning.

  I had to forget it all. Leave it behind.

  But how can you forget an unforgettable love?

  It’s simple, you can’t. That’s why it’s called unforgettable. Instead, you have to live with the irrefutable knowledge that you had one great love, and even if it didn’t last long, at least you were lucky enough to experience it. Not a lot of people could say that.

  Rebecca opened the bathroom door and took one look at me and let out a disgusted sigh. “Are you seriously going to sit around all day with that pitiful look on your face?”

  “I don’t look pitiful,” I defended.

  She narrowed her eyes on me and smoothed her hands over her head, pushing down the stray strands trying to escape from her ponytail. “You do. I don’t know why you won’t go talk to him. You’re miserable, and Talia told me that Liam’s miserable. Act like grownups, talk it over, and move on.”

  I kept my mouth shut. I couldn’t explain to her why I couldn’t do that, and I didn’t feel like arguing with her.

  She grabbed her purse off the rack beside the door and slung it over her shoulder.

  “I’m going to run a few errands before I go to work. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “What time do you get off?”

  She made a face. “I work until closing.”

  That was perfect for me; I wouldn’t have to worry about her popping in early.

  “That sucks,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it.

  “Yeah.” She sighed, opening the door. “Don’t throw a party while I’m gone,” she called over her shoulder.

  “No worries there.” I laughed as the door swung closed.

  I waited an hour to make sure she wasn’t coming back for any reason before I started organizing my stuff. I didn’t make it look obvious that I was leaving, but I wanted to have everything in order so that I could slip out early in the morning before she got up. There was a bus heading in the direction of Wyoming, leaving at six and I wanted to make sure I was on it.

  Thanks to Liam, I had quite the collection of clothes, and thanks to the girls, I’d accumulated a pile of makeup and hair products. Even still, I managed to fit it all in two bags. Looking at those bags made me mad, though. They were the bags my stuff had been packed in and waiting for me when we got back from Hawaii. Seeing them had hurt more than if he had yelled hateful things at me. It was so final. Like he was closing a chapter on a book—one I wasn’t a part of anymore. It shouldn’t have upset me—I told him I was going to leave, after all—but it did, because I was silly and irrational.

  When I couldn’t bear being stuck in the apartment another second, I headed out. I didn’t have my bike anymore, but Rebecca’s apartment was located in a busy part of town, so anything I could want was within walking distance.

  I found a little café, and I splurged on an iced coffee and cake. I sat by the window, eating the piece of cake, and memories of the impromptu birthday party Liam organized for me assaulted my mind. I wondered how long I’d have to endure everything in my life reminding me of him.

  Forever.

  The word rang through my mind.

  I really hoped that wasn’t true. Being reminded of Liam was more painful than the fear of Blaise finding me.

  I finished my coffee and cake, and decided to browse the nearby stores. There was nothing I needed to buy, but I hoped looking at pretty things would distract my mind.

  No such luck.

  Everything reminded me of Liam.

  The shade of blue of the curtains hanging in the first store reminded me of his eyes.

  A surfboard on the wall in the next store was an even worse reminder.

  Leaving that store and walking the streets, I looked up to find a white Jeep Cherokee passing me. I craned my neck to see the driver, but it wasn’t Liam. I couldn’t decide if the feeling in the pit of my stomach was relief or sadness. Maybe it was a mix of both.

  I eventually found myself at the beach. I kicked off my flip-flops and held them in my hand as I walked through the sand. It was warm and soft beneath my feet, and a few random critters ran about hiding in small holes dug into the sand.

  It was windy near the water, and my hair whipped around in my face obscuring my vision.

  Or maybe that was the tears in my eyes.

  Eventually, I found a spot of beach that wasn’t as busy, and I took a seat in the sand. I wished I’d brought a blanket, but I hadn’t had the foresight.

  I did have my sketchbook, though.

  I pulled it from my bag and grabbed a pencil. I quickly flipped through the pages, passing by the multitude of drawings of Liam as fast as I could. I was certain even a glimpse of him in a sketch would make me sob. The memories were bad enough.

  I found a clean page and smoothed my fingers over the rough textured paper. I adjusted my position, trying to get comfortable,
and something fluttered out from between the pages.

  The wind picked it up and it started to fly away, but I quickly snagged it and turned it around.

  A strangled sound escaped my throat.

  It was a photo taken by Liam and the image was in black and white, like all his prints. I was sitting in the tall beach grass with my legs bent and my sketchpad resting on them. My dark hair whipped around me, and I was completely absorbed by whatever I was drawing. Even my tongue peeked out the smallest bit between my lips, further showing my complete concentration.

  I wondered when he’d slipped the photo into my sketchpad.

  Oh God, he probably saw all the drawings I had of him. Yeah, because that wasn’t embarrassing or anything.

  I glanced at the photo one more time before sliding it into the back of the sketchpad. I did my best to dismiss the photo from my mind, but it was difficult.

  I ended up staying at the beach for several hours and left when I grew hungry.

  Instead of going back to Rebecca’s for dinner, I stopped at a restaurant a few miles away. I figured since it was my last day—and now night—in Malibu, I was allowed to splurge a little bit.

  After I finished eating, I headed to the nearest Western Union to transfer the money to the landlord in order to secure my apartment.

  From there, I wandered the streets some more.

  A large part of me didn’t want to go back to Rebecca’s because once I did, it symbolized the finality of what I was doing.

  I jumped in surprise when the phone in my pocket beeped.

  It was a cheap, old phone of Rebecca’s that she’d insisted I use since I didn’t have one. Since nothing could be tied back to me, I’d accepted it.

  I grabbed the phone and squinted down that the text message shining on the screen.

  Rebecca: SOS! Darren needs u 2 come in. Emergency.

  I stared down questioningly at the text and then called her. I was sent straight to voicemail.

  I figured she was too busy to answer, and we weren’t even supposed to be on our personal phones at work.

  Since Mo’s was on the opposite end of town, I caught a cab and had it take me over. It cost me way more than I should’ve been spending—especially since I’d already spent so much—but if they were swamped I knew I’d more than make it back.