The Lies That Define Us

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I’m sorry.

  Pop.

  I’m so sorry.

  Pop.

  And then, there was nothing.

  Liam

  Pain held me prisoner.

  My body felt like it was held down by a fucking elephant sitting on my chest, and the effort to open my eyes was too much.

  Why do I feel like this?

  Did I drink too much?

  What the fuck happened?

  An annoying, incessant beeping assaulted my ears. It was so piercing, like a fucking alarm or something. I tried to lift my arm to turn it off, but I couldn’t move.

  I heard voices coming from somewhere, but they were too low for me to distinguish where it was coming from.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  Why wouldn’t anyone turn off that fucking alarm? It was annoying as hell.

  Beep. Beeeep. Beeeep.

  The sound sped up, and with it I felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over my head.

  Everything that had happened came rushing back to me and my eyes flew open. It hurt like hell to open my eyes, like they’d been glued shut or something. There was even some kind of substance stuck to my lashes, so every time I blinked it blurred my vision.

  “Ari?” I tried to ask, but my voice came out sounding more like a croak. “Ari?” I forced the word out again and my heart sped up even more.

  Is Ari okay? Where is she? Is she dead?

  “Ari?” My voice cracked. “Ari? Ari? Ari?”

  The beeping speed up to what I assumed was dangerous levels because suddenly a group of nurses and doctors came rushing into my room.

  I grasped the bed sheets in my hands like I was going to push them off and they rushed forward, two of them restraining me.

  I wanted to yell and shove them off of me, but I didn’t have the strength for that. Instead, my body collapsed against the pillows behind my back and I pleaded with them, “Ari? Ari? Ari?” It was the only word I could get out, and my voice was so raspy and distorted that it sounded more like air leaving my lungs than a name, so I kept repeating it, hoping they’d figure it out. “Ari? Ari?”

  Despite the amount of pain my body was in, it paled in comparison to her safety. If I am here, does that mean she is too? Or is she dead? Or had Blaise changed his mind and taken her with him?

  I picked at the IV in my arm trying to get it out. None of those bastards were doing anything but yelling at me, and I had to find her.

  “Sir, sir, you have to stop that.” One nurse grabbed my right arm and another held down my left. I kicked my legs, trying to get away despite my body quickly growing exhausted.

  I heard someone shout, “Sedate him!”

  “No,” I pleaded with them. “Ari.” My voice cracked again and my words became gibberish.

  I felt something cold hit my veins, and in seconds, my eyes grew heavy.

  “Ari, Ari, Ari—”

  Ari.

  ***

  When I opened my eyes again, I wasn’t alone.

  Raymond sat beside my bed.

  Raymond, as in the guy that was Blaise’s right-hand man.

  My mom and dad sat on the couch on the other side of me.

  My heart rate picked up again like it had the last time. “Get out,” I mouthed to them. “He did this.”

  My mom stood and came over to me, smoothing her fingers over my cheek the way she had when I was little and sick in bed. Tears pooled in her eyes.

  “We thought we’d lost you too.” She broke out into sobs and my dad stood, gathering her into his arms. He held her to his chest and peered down at me with this look of sadness and wonder, like he was surprised to see me alive.

  “You have to get out,” I mouthed again.

  My dad shook his head. “It’s not what you think. Let him explain.” He nodded at Raymond.

  What the fuck is going on? What don’t I know?

  Raymond stood beside my bed. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and plain t-shirt now with a gun in a holster beside his hip. He pulled out a thin black wallet-type-thing from his pocket and flipped it open.

  “My name is Brian McCann. I’m with the F.B.I.”

  My eyes widened.

  “We’ve been trying to take down Sebastian Arnett—better known as Blaise—for some time now, but he’s very well-protected. We decided the only way to do that was for someone to infiltrate his security. I’ve spent years working my way into his inner circle, enough to become one of his most trusted colleagues. All the while, I’ve been gathering information to take him down. He’s extremely crafty, though, and knows how to cover his tracks. It’s why he’s been able to undermine the law for so long.”

  “Wha…What…?”

  “What happened?” he asked for me.

  I nodded.

  “I shot Felix and Blaise shot you before I could disable him. I should’ve taken him out first, but his gun was still holstered so I didn’t think he’d be a problem. I ended up shooting him in the arm and leg to disable him until backup could arrive. You then became my priority. The shot he got off landed in your shoulder, but it was near a major artery. You’re lucky it missed it, and your lung. But there was a lot of blood, so I applied pressure and waited for the medics to arrive.” He nodded to my right shoulder. It was then that I realized it was now in a sling, unlike before…

  “Yeah,” he said, like he could read my thoughts, “the doctors taped you down good after your…episode,” he chuckled, “and you’ll have to wear the sling for a while. But you’re lucky to be alive, so I don’t think it’s too much of a trade. And you’ll have a pretty cool scar.”

  I didn’t care about my shoulder. Or a scar. Or even being alive.

  All I cared about was knowing if Ari was okay.

  “Ar—” I tried to speak again, but it was impossible. My throat hurt like a hot iron had been shoved down it, and it was dry from lack of water, which didn’t help the situation.

  “Ariella?” Brian lifted a brow. “She’s fine. Her wrists are a little banged up, and I think she’s mentally spent, but physically she’s fine. She was only kept overnight while you’ve been here two days. She’d be here now with you, but she’s being questioned by another agent.” He took a breath. “I know this is a lot to process, and we’ll speak more later, but for now I’ll let you rest and see your parents. I think you have some friends waiting to see you too.”

  I nodded, surprised by how much effort it took for such a simple gesture.

  Brian left the room and my mom took my hand.

  “Oh, Liam, I’m so happy you’re okay. When we got the call from Ollie, we thought…we thought you were gone. He didn’t know anything except that you’d been shot and were in surgery.” She pressed her shaking fingertips to my face. “I already lost one baby, I can’t lose my other.” She bawled. “Don’t you ever scare me like that ever again.”

  If I could’ve laughed, I would’ve.

  With my arm that wasn’t strapped down, I reached over and took her hand in mine, holding it to my chest in a silent gesture to tell her I was okay.

  She bent and pressed a kiss to my forehead and then moved away, letting my dad stand beside me.

  I’d seen my dad happy. Angry. Sad. Pretty much every way, but I’d never seen him look so helpless as he stared down at me lying in the hospital bed.

  He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but instead of words, a gut-wrenching sob came out and he began to cry.

  That was another thing—I’d never seen my dad cry.

  He tentatively reached out to hug me, careful of my shoulder, and I felt his tears soak into the thin hospital gown.

  I didn’t know what to do, but I found my free hand moving on its own accord to pat his back, trying to tell him that I was okay.

  I felt terrible.

  I couldn’t imagine how my parents must have felt getting that call—getting on a plane and flying all the way across the country, not knowing if your son was alive. It had to be a painful experience as a parent.<
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  Eventually, my dad let me go and my mom handed him a tissue so he could wipe his face. Wordlessly, he gathered her into his arms and kissed her forehead before they both looked down at me like they were trying to remind themselves that I was alive and well.

  “Ollie wants to see you. We’ll give you two a chance to talk.” She smiled, and her lips trembled a bit with the gesture. “We’ll be back soon.”

  They left the room and a few minutes later there was a light knock on the door before it swung open slowly.

  “Hey, man.” Ollie tried to smile, but it didn’t meet his eyes. He looked wary, and not at all like himself. His eyes boasted dark circles, the scruff on his cheeks was thicker than normal, and his wild hair was tied back in a bun that was half falling out. Even his tanned skin seemed to have lost some color. He closed the door behind him and walked up to the end of my bed, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. His black t-shirt hung loosely and his shoulders sagged. “This is some crazy shit,” he finally said.

  I nodded. There was nothing else I could do.

  “Fuck, man.” He scrubbed his hands roughly over his face. “The last two days have fucking sucked. I got a call from the hospital that Talia had been shot and was being rushed into emergency surgery, and then when I got here I heard someone say your name and I figured you’d been involved too. And Ari. And fuck, Rebecca and Darren are dead. They’re dead, Liam. And you and Talia almost died too. I’ve never been so scared before. So fucking helpless.” He grasped the end of the bed in his hands. “The girl I love is laying down there in ICU, fighting for her life, and I’m fucking praying for her to wake up. I’ve never prayed before, Liam, but I’m desperate. I’m also terrified for her to wake up, because when she does I’m going to have to tell her the baby didn’t make it, and that’s going to crush her.” A tear slid out of the corner of his eye. “She was so excited. Me too. And now I have to tell her that the baby is gone. The names we talked about, the future we dreamed of for our child…it’s all fucking gone.” Another tear. “How could this happen?” He nodded at me. “Why?” He chuckled, but there was no humor in the tone. “Well, I kind of know why. This story has been all over the news. Was Ari really kidnapped by that dude?”

  I nodded.

  “Fuck, this is some crazy shit.” He rubbed at his head. “Doesn’t seem real, you know?” He straightened then. “I just wanted to see you with my own two eyes, make sure you were okay.” He jerked his chin at my injured shoulder. “If you’re worried about being able to surf again I know you will. You’re a fighter. You won’t let this stop you.”

  Funnily enough, I hadn’t thought once about my shoulder and how it could potentially damage my surfing career. Ari had been my main worry.

  “All right, well, I’ll see you later. I need to get back to Talia’s room in case she wakes up.” He ventured closer and held out his closed fist for me to bump mine against.

  He left, and a short time later a nurse and doctor came in.

  “Hello, Mr. Wade,” the doctor said as he looked over my chart. “You could’ve been out of here sooner if we hadn’t needed to sedate you again.” He clucked his tongue in disapproval. “But we’re going to get you out of here now.”

  The nurse began to check my vitals while the doctor consulted the clipboard.

  “We’re going to advise that you wear the sling for four weeks, but depending on how fast you heal and if you take care of it properly, it could come off sooner. The bullet nearly nicked a major artery, Mr. Wade. You’re extremely lucky to be alive, so take it easy, okay?” He waited for me to nod. “As for your throat, your lymph nodes are extremely swollen and there is bruising around your neck. The swelling should go down in a few days, and with it, you’ll regain your voice. Also, ice your shoulder regularly to help with the healing and any stiffness you may have. You can use a bit of heat too, but don’t overdo it.”

  I nodded at his words. Going home sounded like an excellent idea, and I hadn’t even been awake for most of my time there. I’d never liked hospitals, though.

  “Everything looks good, so Jackie here is going to get the paperwork for you to sign and you’ll be out of here. Your friend brought you some clothes, too.” He showed me a black duffel bag sitting in the corner of the room. Smiling, he said, “I’m glad to see you’re not putting up a fight with us this time, Mr. Wade. Now, if you get home and feel like there’s something wrong with your shoulder, feel free to call the nurses’ station and someone will assist you. We’re giving you a prescription for some pain medicine to take home too, in case that shoulder gets too bad, but I’ll let Jackie go over all of that with you. Good luck, Mr. Wade.” With a nod, he exited the room and I was left with the nurse.

  “Like the doctor said, everything looks good. I’m going to gather your release papers, and I’ll be back.”

  She’d only been gone for a few minutes when my parents came back.

  “They said you’re getting out?” My mom sounded hopeful.

  I nodded. I was going to be a nodding pro by the time I got my voice back.

  I felt exhausted, and my eyes began to grow heavy, but by the time I was almost asleep, Jackie was back with papers for me to sign. Then from there we waited a little longer for some other confirmation, and when that was given, my parents left the room so I could dress. Dressing with one arm should’ve been an Olympic sport; I’d broken out in a sweat by the time I was done.

  When I opened the door, a man was waiting with a wheelchair to take me out to the car. I tried to refuse it, but apparently it was policy.

  My mom waited with me at the hospital entrance while my dad went to get the car. A few minutes later, he pulled up in my Jeep and hopped out to help me in.

  Once again, I didn’t need help, but I let him anyway because I knew it made him feel better.

  When we got to my house, I half-expected Ari to be waiting, but she wasn’t. I was disappointed, but I tried not to let it show.

  I headed up to my room and collapsed on my bed. Within minutes, I was asleep, but it was far from peaceful. Images of that night haunted me, but in them I was okay and Ari died. That was a reality I never wanted to contemplate. Not even in my sleep.

  ***

  I stared out at the ocean as the sun rose above it. I was reminded of that morning with Ari, out on the paddleboard. It seemed like forever ago now, even though it had only been two weeks. A lot can happen in two weeks, in an hour, and in a minute. Lives can be shattered and others taken. I finally understood how vulnerable we are as humans and that not every breath is guaranteed to us. I would never take my life for granted again. I would never go back to that angry guy I was before Ari. I wouldn’t let this situation ruin me. I’d let stupid stuff destroy my life before, and I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. I was going to let what happened to me make me a better more appreciative person.

  Beneath the sunrise, I was reminded of the promise of a new day.

  A new beginning.

  A new chance to make things right.

  I hadn’t seen Ari in the days since I’d been home. No one had.

  I didn’t know where she was, what she was doing, and whether or not she was safe. It was fucking killing me.

  I regretted turning my back on her, basically setting her out on the street.

  She was the girl I loved, and I gave up. I didn’t fight. I walked away.

  I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

  The waves crashed against the sand, the cold water covering my feet before retreating. I bent and rolled up the bottoms of my jeans so they wouldn’t get soaked.

  It was one of the first times I’d truly been alone since coming home from the hospital.

  The only time my mom let me out of her sight was when I showered. Even when I was sleeping, she was constantly checking on me. I kept going out of my way to remind her that I was okay, and she didn’t need to worry, but she was still overprotective.

  The sky began to turn orange, lighting up the world.

&n
bsp; “Liam?”

  My body froze. I couldn’t have possibly heard right.

  I turned around slowly, afraid that if I moved too fast she’d turn into a mirage and disappear before my eyes, but there she stood in a lacy, white skirt and a purple top. Her dark hair whipped around her shoulders and her blue eyes were bright but wary.

  “Hi,” she said softly, her voice barely audible over the sound of the waves.

  “Hey.” I stood awkwardly with one hand in my pocket and the other held to my chest in the sling.

  She looked me over, as if she was assessing all the damage I’d sustained. I looked better than when I left the hospital; the bruises on my neck were fading, as were the ones on my arms.

  When the men had grabbed me from the beach, I’d put up one hell of a fight. I wasn’t going to go down easy. That moment had been the only time when I wasn’t grateful for living on a private section of a beach. No one had heard the scuffle, and when the one guy knocked me out, it was game over.

  “You look good.” She spoke a little louder this time, like she was gaining confidence.

  “You do too.” I stayed where I was even though every fiber of my being screamed at me to hold her.

  I was saved by having to move when she took a step forward. Then two. Then three. Until she stood right in front of me and had to bend her head back slightly to see me.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” She ducked her head. “The F.B.I. wanted to know everything I knew and…and it took a while to tell them.” She bit her lip slightly.

  “You’ve been through a lot,” I commented.

  “You too.” She nodded at my bandaged shoulder sadly. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I didn’t mean to get attached. I thought I’d be here a few weeks, tops, and then I’d leave. No one would miss me. But I…I fell in love with you. With this place. With having friends. With finally belonging again. I felt like I had a family again, even if it was an unconventional one. I didn’t want to leave. I couldn’t. And because I was too cowardly to leave, you got hurt. And Talia. And Darren and Rebecca died for it. Not to mention the other innocent people in the restaurant. They all died because of me,” she cried softly. “I’m more sorry for that than you’ll ever know.”