Shattered Hearts ePub

by Pen Name

  “Hi sweetheart,” I whispered, stroking Penny’s sleek coat. “You can’t sleep either, huh? Do you want to go to the pasture?” I asked, knowing how much she liked to be free in wide open spaces. “Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

  I got Penny ready and then gently took her by the reins, leading her out to the pasture. It was dark but the moonlight lit our way, illuminating the ground beneath us. I could tell Penny was eager to get out there and was happy I could bring her some joy. Until I’d come to the farm, I realized, I’d never truly felt useful.

  A year or two ago, my self-esteem had been virtually non-existent. After being beaten down verbally and physically on a regular basis with no one to turn to for support or solace, I’d come to believe the insults that were hurled at me. I’d come to accept that I was no good, worthless and a waste of space. Even after I’d broken free of those metaphorical chains and moved to Los Angeles, it had taken a long time to reprogram the way I thought.

  Though she didn’t know it, my friend Mina Sinclair was the woman I looked up to most. She was independent and strong-willed (some would say stubborn). She wasn’t easily persuaded by others and she never lost sight of her goals. Maybe if I’d been more like her, I wouldn’t have gotten so hopelessly tangled up with the wrong person. And I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with him as long as I did.

  These days, I tried my hardest to mimic Mina. Maybe it was because I needed an unbreakable woman to look up to, or maybe it was because I still wasn’t sure who I was. Little by little, my identity had been chipped away along with my dignity and self-respect. But I was determined to dig my heels in and reclaim what was stolen from me. I had to. To give up would be to let my monster of an ex win.

  Fleeing my hometown and working for Gavin Rothe had been the start of my healing process. I’d never told my boss what I was running from, exactly. All he knew was that I’d left a bad relationship and needed a job. I’d decided early on that he didn’t need to know any more than that. No one did.

  But even when I’d worked at Gavin’s restaurant, I’d known I wasn’t needed – not really. He pitied me, so he found me work. But I didn’t feel like I offered anything of value to his business. If I wasn’t there, it wouldn’t have affected much at all.

  At the Avery farm, it was different. Maggie and Nate were depending on me to help save the family farm. And I was rising to the challenge, meeting all of their expectations and then some. I was growing physically stronger and maybe even mentally stronger, too. I finally felt like I had a purpose, a talent, something I was good at.

  Penny was looking at me.

  I smiled at her and leaned my head against her neck. “You and I have a lot in common,” I told her as my finger traced over the small scar above her eye. I had a similar one on my neck, though my long hair usually hid it. “I hope you don’t have nightmares like I do.” I patted her side gently. “You’re my inspiration, Penny, do you know that?”

  She wasn’t the sort of horse you ride. Nate probably could have managed it thanks to his rodeo experience, but Penny probably would have freaked out and tried her best to buck him off. Yet as I stood there next to her in the moonlight, I felt an unquenchable urge to try to climb onto her back. And even more surprising, I felt strangely confident that I’d be able to do the impossible.

  Penny wasn’t wearing a saddle, but that didn’t matter. I’d taken some equestrian lessons as a child because my mother thought it would impress her snooty friends if her daughter rode. As it turned out, I’d been a natural. Riding wouldn’t be a problem for me. It was getting on that might present a challenge. My height was not working in my favor.

  I led Penny over to the wooden fence and then climbed up on it, my nightgown billowing whimsically in the breeze. “Don’t be afraid,” I told her as I prepared to swing my leg over her back. “I’d never hurt you.” Then I hoisted myself up and onto the beautiful white mare.

  She didn’t protest. I felt her body stiffen up beneath me, but I quickly leaned down and whispered reassurances in her ear. She calmed. And then the next thing I knew, we were riding, galloping through the night in that wide open pasture like we were floating on the wind. It was magical and wonderful and better than I could have ever imagined.

  My hair blew behind me as Penny ran, free at last. No one would ever hurt her again. That knowledge filled me with such a sense of hope that I dared to think maybe the same would be true for me. I’d summoned up the courage to leave my abuser, courageously walking – no, running – away from my former life. It had been terrifying, but I’d done it.

  Maybe in a sense, I was free now too.

  I shut my eyes momentarily, a smile on my face. When I reopened them, I happened to glance toward the house and saw the light on the front porch switch on. Nate stepped out onto the porch clad only in green flannel pajama pants and sneakers, a bottle of beer in one hand and a folded up newspaper in the other.

  He took a swig of beer, oblivious to my presence. Then he looked up and saw me a short distance away perched on top of Penny. A look of sheer panic was on his face as dropped everything. I could hear the glass shatter as the bottle hit the porch. Then he leapt off the front steps and ran toward me, never taking his eyes off me.

  At first I thought he was going to inadvertently spook Penny in his haste to reach us, but then he regained his senses and slowed down some. Even so, the urgency in his pace was evident.

  “Amanda, what are you doing?” he hissed, sounding terrified. “Get down from there.”

  “I’m fine,” I reassured him, wanting the moment to last as long as possible. “It’s okay.”

  “No, seriously,” he insisted, edging closer and closer until he stood at the edge of the fence. “Get down from there right now before you get hurt.”

  His tone was stern now, like he meant business. It set something off inside me. I was still very much on edge after my nightmare. Dreams about my ex always left me feeling violated, like he’d somehow managed to worm his way into my subconscious and was still controlling me. So when Nate tried to tell me what to do, I snapped. I knew he only had my well-being in mind, but I didn’t care.

  “You don’t get to tell me what to do! I make my own decisions, understand?” I informed Nate icily before guiding Penny away from the fence – and away from him.

  He shouted something after me, but it was lost in the wind. I didn’t want to hear whatever he was saying anyway. What Nate wanted me to do didn’t matter. When I left my ex, I vowed that no man was ever going to control me again. It was a promise that I intended to keep.

  Penny and I raced through the night. I could tell she was having the time of her life. I could feel Nate watching me disapprovingly from across the pasture, but I didn’t care. Let him disapprove. He wasn’t going to tell me what to do. And besides, Penny and I understood each other. She wasn’t afraid of me, so I wasn’t in danger.

  No sooner than that thought crossed my mind, I felt a jolt beneath me. Penny broke her stride and my eyes widened as I tried to figure out why. Then she let out a distressed whinny and in that instant, I knew she was about to rear. There was no time to try to calm her down and there was no rewind button. All I could do was try to relax my body as I was violently bucked from her back and thrown into the air.

  The fall happened quickly, but to me it felt like it was all taking place in slow motion. When I landed, in that millisecond before the pain traveled through my nerve endings to my brain, I somehow managed to roll out of the way so Penny’s hooves wouldn’t come crashing down on me. Then I laid there motionless, the wind completely knocked out of me.

  “Amanda!” Nate shouted. I was dimly aware of him leaping over the fence and running to my side. I’d never seen anyone move so fast in my life. And when he fell to the ground beside me, kneeling over me and peering into my face, I’d never seen anyone look so concerned in my life.

  “Don’t try to move,” he advised. “I’ll go get help.”

  “Don’t.” It took every bit of strength I had to
get that one word out.

  “Are you sure?” Nate asked anxiously. He was more shaken up than I was, I noted in awe.

  “I think I’m okay,” I managed to choke out once I was able to take in and release a few ragged breaths. I reached out for Nate, my hand trembling, and he took it, squeezing tight. Then, acting as though I was as delicate as glass, he carefully helped me sit up.

  Nate sat behind me, using his own body to support my back. I leaned against him heavily and concentrated on breathing. In and out...in and out...I repeated the mantra in my head and bit by bit, inhaling became less painful.

  “Are you sure you’re alright?” Nate demanded worriedly as I half-sat and half-laid sprawled in his lap. His big hands slid over my upper arms and down to my elbows before finding my wrists. I knew he was checking for broken bones. But thankfully all he found were some bumps and bruises.

  I nodded and began to pull myself up. Then pain struck, creeping up on me from behind and taking me by surprise. It was white hot, burning me. I winced and fell back to the ground, landing hard in the dirt on my elbows.

  “You’re hurt,” Nate said accusingly as he took me in his arms and set me upright. Once he was satisfied that I could sit up on my own, he slid out from under me and positioned himself by my leg. The look of utter panic on his handsome face was really something. I hadn’t taken stoic cowboy Nate Avery for the type of guy who’d react with such concern.

  He eased my sneaker off and that was when I realized I must have lost the second one in my fall. I felt his hands underneath my heel, his touch little more than a whisper. He meticulously inspected my ankle first and then, satisfied that it hadn’t snapped when I fell, slid his hands over my calf. The examination continued like that for some time, Nate carefully checking my body for damage one inch at a time.

  When his hands reached my upper thigh I suddenly remembered all I was wearing was a flimsy white nightgown. I’d embarrassed myself enough for one night, I decided. I hastily did what I could to reposition myself in an attempt to preserve my modesty.

  My breath caught in my throat when I moved my left hip.

  “What is it?” Nate demanded at once.

  “I must have landed hard on my hip,” I replied in between taking deep, measured breaths to try to control the pain. I’d learned a long time ago how to manage absolute agony...how to smile through it, even. Compared to some of the horrors I’d experienced, this was nothing.

  But Nate didn’t know that.

  “Don’t move,” he ordered. “It might be broken.”

  “It isn’t broken,” I replied dismissively.

  It was Nate’s first time seeing me injured, but it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d been hurt. If I had a broken bone, I’d know it. I was certain my injury was far less serious, so against Nate’s wishes, I half-crawled and half-dragged my battered body over to the fence and used one of the posts to pull myself to my feet.

  He watched me with his arms crossed and an expression on his face that I couldn’t quite name.

  “See?” I said triumphantly once I was standing, eager to reassure him. “I’m just a little banged up, that’s all. I’ll be as good as new after an ice pack and a bit of rest.”

  Wordlessly, Nate turned on his heel and stalked away. I almost called him back but then I realized he was going to get Penny, who was observing us from afar. If she was still afraid, I wanted him to comfort her...it wasn’t like I was in any shape to do it myself. So I let him go, watching as he called her over, spoke to her in a hushed tone and then led her back to the barn.

  When Nate came back to me, his entire mood seemed to have shifted. I was glad to see he was no longer worried, but I was dismayed to find that anger had replaced his concern for me. Even in the moonlight I could see that his jaw was clenched and a scowl distorted his handsome features. He didn’t speak to me. In fact, he didn’t even look at me.

  Wordlessly, Nate wrapped an arm around my waist and tried to help me hobble to the house, but our height difference made it difficult for me to comfortably put my arm around his neck. So he picked me up, carrying me in his arms like a groom carrying his bride across the threshold.

  But there was impatience in his movements and a silent rage emanating off his body.

  “I swear, I’m fine,” I said again, thinking maybe he didn’t believe me and was masking his fear with fury. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

  “Sorry for scaring me?” he repeated incredulously. “Is that all you’re sorry for? What about how reckless you were? ‘You don’t get to tell me what to do’ – really, Amanda? I thought only bratty teenagers come out with shit like that. What the hell were you thinking riding Penny out here alone in the middle of the night?” he demanded irately as he carried me to the house. “What if I hadn’t been on the porch? You could have lain out in the pasture injured all night! I can’t believe you.”

  “Put me down,” I ordered, dropping my arms from around his neck.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No. Put me down right now and go back inside,” I insisted vehemently, feeling misplaced anger rise up from within me. The voice coming out of me didn’t even sound like my own. It was loud, rough and strong. It was also enraged. “Or don’t go back inside, whatever. You can go to hell for all I care!”

  Nate stopped in his tracks and looked at me. I scowled at him. So then he set me down. I winced as I put my weight on my hip, but I held my ground even as he looked at me with uncertainty. “Go on!” I yelled, wishing there was something within arm’s reach that I could throw to make my point. “Get out of here!”

  After Nate reluctantly left, I began the laborious task of dragging my beat up body into the house. It brought back memories I’d have preferred to keep buried. I hadn’t expected I’d find myself in this position yet again, even if the circumstances were markedly different.

  By the time I limped into the house, I was fuming. And Nate was pacing back and forth just inside the door, apparently waiting to make sure I made it in okay. That put him right in my path of destruction.

  “You’re such an asshole!” I screamed even though I’d never been the screaming or name-calling type. He looked shocked when I raised my voice, as though he hadn’t expected me to be capable of it. For good measure, I added, “Fuck you!”

  Nate’s reaction infuriated me even more, although in retrospect there was probably nothing he could have done at that moment that wouldn’t have provoked me. I was sick of being underestimated. I was sick of people assuming I was delicate and weak and spineless and shy just because I was a tiny, soft-spoken blonde girl with a sweet smile and porcelain skin.

  “I’m an asshole for calling you out back there?” he asked incredulously.

  “No, you’re an asshole for trying to control everyone and everything!” I shouted. “You’re always ordering Maggie around like you’re her father or something. Guess what? You’re so obsessed with sending her to college but if you’d actually listen to her you’d know she hates her classes! But you don’t want to listen to her, do you? All you want to do is control everything and everyone!”

  “That’s not fair,” Nate interjected hoarsely.

  “No, you know what’s not fair? Not giving Maggie a say in her own life isn’t fair. You’re not her father and she doesn’t need you to tell her what to do! And you know what? The same goes for me! So quit being such a paternalistic asshole and let us make our own decisions!”

  I had no idea why I dragged Maggie into it, or why I made that unfortunate reference to their deceased father. The words just popped into my head and fell out of my mouth before going through any type of filter. I felt bad about it later, sure. But in that instant, I felt nothing but satisfaction when I saw Nate cringe.

  “Are you drunk?” he demanded, clearly taken aback by my uncharacteristic behavior.

  “No, but I could smell the beer on your breath when you picked me up outside!” I retorted. I associated that smell with ugly, vile things. “What are you, an alc
oholic? Is that why you sit out on the porch all night drinking instead of having any semblance of a life?”

  “I’m not an alcoholic,” he said sharply.

  “Sure, that’s what they all say,” I chided, pushing past him so I could retrieve a bag of frozen peas from the fridge freezer. Then I turned on my heel and marched past him, trying my damnedest not to wince. With my head held high, I exited the room feeling proud that I’d had the courage to stand up to a man who was trying to control me.

  Then a moment later I had to swallow that pride and drag myself back into the kitchen.

  Nate was seated at the dining room table with his head in his hands. He looked up when he heard me and the expression on his face said it all. He was bracing himself for another attack. I felt a twinge of guilt.

  “Nate,” I said, trying to work up my nerve.

  “Yes?”

  “I can’t make it down the stairs myself,” I confessed sheepishly. I’d tried. Gritting my teeth, I’d given it my best shot, not wanting to have to make the walk (well, limp) of shame back to the kitchen to ask for help. But it had been too much.

  Obligingly, Nate followed me over to the stairs and then picked me up, carrying me down to my bedroom. His touch was gentle and even after all the horrible, unfair things I’d said to him, he was careful with me. I leaned my head against his chest and wished I could take it all back.

  There were all kinds of things I wanted to say to him – apologies, mostly – but it was as though invisible tape had been put over my mouth. So I just pressed my ear to his chest and listened to his heart pounding inside of him. The beats matched my own.

  Maybe I hadn’t quite figured out the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. It was more complicated than I’d thought. Why couldn’t anything ever just be simple?

  Chapter 09

  The next morning my hip and upper thigh were stiff and sore, but it was nothing unmanageable. A long hot shower helped immensely, limbering me up after my tumble from Penny’s back. Even so, the thought of putting on a pair of pants was too much, so I settled for one of the few skirts I owned: a simple knee-length denim one.