One Step at a Time

by Beryl Matthews

  Grace was listening, wide-eyed, and Amy could understand her surprise. No one had ever heard Mrs Dalton lecture Ben like that. He looked as shocked as the rest of them.

  ‘Sorry.’ He held up his hands. ‘Of course Amy must take Grace away.’ Standing up he lifted the little girl out of her chair, swinging her high until she squealed in delight. ‘We’re going to put a ribbon across the door of the shop, and we’d like you to cut it for us.’

  ‘Why?’ She slipped her arms around his neck, settling in his arms.

  ‘So the customers can get in. Will you do it for us?’

  Grace nodded enthusiastically, the long bow bouncing in her hair.

  Seeing her daughter in Ben’s arms like that brought a lump to Amy’s throat, and, just for a brief flash, she saw John there. The pain ripping through her was too much to bear and, running from the kitchen, she stumbled into her bedroom, shaking. Dear God! Would the hurt never go? She had loved two men in her life. One was lost for ever; the other she couldn’t have because he only saw her as a sister. The tears tumbled from her eyes, and had to be quickly scrubbed away when there was a knock on the door.

  Mrs Dalton came in. ‘Are you all right, my dear?’

  With a helpless shake of her head, Amy mopped up the rest of the tears. Before she could stop herself, the truth came spilling out. ‘I’m getting John and Ben muddled up. When Ben picked up Grace just now, I saw him as her father. They looked so right together, and I could picture us as a complete family. I’ve always loved Ben, you know that, but now it’s a different kind of love. I’ve tried not to show it, but he must have guessed, and that’s why he’s snapping at me.’

  Mrs Dalton sat next to her and took hold of her hand. ‘I don’t think he has any idea that your feelings have changed towards him. Now, you dry your eyes, then we’ll open the shop, and you can go away. A bit of peace and quiet in the country will help you sort out your feelings.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right.’ Amy blew her nose, and then smiled. ‘When I come back I’ll be able to laugh at this silly notion. I’ve been so worried about him since he came home, and I’m feeling tired after Grace’s illness. My imagination is running riot.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s all it is.’ After patting her hand again, Mrs Dalton stood up and looked down at Amy, speaking gently. ‘Don’t be upset, my dear. You can love twice, but each one will be different. And each one will be special. You don’t have to feel disloyal to John; he would be happy for you, and approve of Ben as a father for his daughter.’

  Amy looked up in astonishment. ‘You’re talking as if this could be one day, but that’s impossible. It’s as if he doesn’t like me any more. Haven’t you noticed how he does his best to keep his distance from me?’

  ‘I’ve noticed.’ Mrs Dalton headed for the door, and then paused, looking round. ‘You must ask him about that sometime.’

  Amy watched the door close, and huffed out a ragged sigh. She had no intention of doing that. With the tension there was between them, it was better if she kept out of his way.

  They were causing quite a stir in the road, and had gathered a sizeable crowd to watch the cutting of the ribbon. Charlie, Stan, Helen and the children were there; so were Ben and Howard’s parents. Everyone had come to support the occasion.

  ‘OK, Grace.’ Ben took her hand. ‘Let’s cut the tape together, shall we? And when it’s done, I’d like you to say in a loud voice, “I declare this shop open.” Do you think you can do that for us?’

  ‘Yes, Uncle Ben.’

  Amy watched as her daughter held the small pair of scissors and, with Ben’s help, managed to cut the ribbon.

  Turning her to face the crowd, he whispered, ‘Now say that it’s open.’

  She came over all shy when she saw everyone looking at her. She muttered the words, looking at her feet.

  Ben stooped down beside her. ‘Keep your head up, Grace, and say it again.’

  ‘It’s open!’ she blurted out, and then made for Amy as fast as she could.

  ‘That was wonderful, darling. Look at all the people streaming in to see what we’re selling.’

  The day surpassed all their expectations, with a steady flow of customers and quite a few sales. It augured well for the future, and they were all in high spirits when they closed at six o’clock. Ben, Howard, Ted and Stan decided to go somewhere for a meal and then to the pub for a drink. They invited Amy as well, but she was anxious to get home to Grace, so she refused. She hadn’t missed the brief flash of relief in Ben’s eyes at her decision to go straight home. It was becoming clear to her that he didn’t want to be around her any more than he could help, and that hurt dreadfully.

  ‘Mummy!’ Grace rushed to her as soon as she arrived back. ‘Did you have lots of people?’

  ‘Lots and lots.’ She bent down and kissed her daughter, happy to see her more rested. ‘We’re going to Granny and Grandpa’s tomorrow, so we must pack our things this evening.’

  ‘Ooh, I must take my dolly. Granny said she’d make her a new dress.’

  Mrs Dalton cast the little girl a fond glance. ‘She’s looking forward to going away.’

  ‘Yes, and her grandparents can’t wait to have her there for a whole week.’ Amy set about peeling the potatoes. ‘We only need to cook for us, because the men are eating out.’

  They’d had their meal and cleared up by the time the men returned in quite a happy mood. Mrs Dalton tutted when she saw their expressions, glazed from a pint too many, and put the kettle on to make a large pot of tea.

  There was a great deal of laughter and talk about their first day back in business, and even Ben’s gloom appeared to have lifted, but Amy didn’t linger round the table with them. It was Grace’s bedtime, and she wanted to be ready for an early start in the morning.

  ‘Say goodnight to everyone, Grace.’

  She trotted round to each person in turn, a broad smile on her face. ‘We’ve got to pack our bags,’ she told them excitedly. ‘We’re going on a train tomorrow.’

  Amy was surprised to see Ted and Howard already in the kitchen when she got up at six-thirty the next morning. ‘My goodness, what are you doing up at this hour?’

  ‘We’re coming with you. You can’t manage Grace and your cases on your own.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, Ted, but I’m only taking one small bag. I’ll be all right.’ They were so thoughtful, but she didn’t want to spoil the only day they had to relax.

  ‘We’re taking you.’ Howard put bread under the grill to toast. ‘Get Grace and I’ll see to your breakfast. You’re always looking after us, but you’ve had a worrying time with Grace, and we’re going to spoil you today. Off you go and get your little girl ready.’

  By the time Grace was washed and dressed, Ben and Mrs Dalton were also up.

  ‘Are you coming on the train with us as well, Uncle Ben? Mummy said Ted and Uncle Howard are coming.’

  ‘It doesn’t need three of us to carry your cases, and I’ve got too much to do.’ He softened the sharp tone of his voice with a smile.

  ‘Oh.’ The disappointment showed. ‘You didn’t paint our picture like you said.’

  ‘No, but I’ll do it while you’re away.’

  Grace drank her warm milk, watching Ben over the rim of the cup. Her expressive eyes said quite clearly that she couldn’t quite fathom out this big man, but she liked him. Putting down the cup, she stood up. ‘I’m ready, Mummy. Can we go now?’

  ‘Have a nice rest, my dear.’ Mrs Dalton kissed Amy’s cheek. ‘And don’t worry about a thing.’

  ‘Bye, bye, Uncle Ben.’ Grace was lifted up for a kiss. When she was on the ground again, she reached for Ted’s hand, her smile wide with excitement.

  ‘I’ll be back in a week, Ben.’ Amy stepped forward to hug him in the way she had always done. When he stepped back, putting distance between them, she stopped, her hands falling to her sides. He was stepping away from her mentally and physically now, and it wounded her.

  ‘Mummy! We’re going.�
��

  Sighing deeply, she turned away from him and walked out to the front door, where her daughter was waiting impatiently.

  44

  Two days later, Ben was pacing the studio, unable to sleep or work. That step back he’d taken had been involuntary, done in self-preservation. Having her close to him was torture. His hands itched to run through her unruly hair; to draw her close and breathe in the fresh clean smell of soap and something else that was intrinsically her.

  He had hurt her. It had shown in her lovely eyes and, like a fool, he had stood there and let her walk away without an explanation. In the past he would never have acted in such a cruel way. Coming back to civilization had been, and still was, difficult to adjust to. Seeing the change in Amy had knocked him for six, as Mrs Dalton would say.

  Howard wandered into the studio, and stood in front of the canvas on the easel, a deep rumble of amusement running through him as he studied the painting. ‘You’ve captured mother and daughter to perfection, but what made you paint them curled up on the bed like that?’

  ‘I saw them in that position. Amy was telling Grace a story.’ Ben shoved his hands in his pockets, not looking happy.

  ‘Aren’t you pleased with it?’

  ‘Hmm, it’s coming along quite well.’

  ‘Then why the long face?’ Howard cast his friend a curious glance. ‘What’s the matter, Ben? And don’t try to deny it; we’re all aware that you’ve got a problem of some kind. Why don’t you tell me?’

  ‘I’ve hurt Amy by snapping at her.’

  ‘We know that too. Why you’re doing it is a mystery. What has she done to you?’

  ‘She’s grown up.’ Ben gave a dry laugh. ‘All the time I was in the POW camp, I kept a picture in my head of a young, immature girl. And when I saw a woman with a small child, I was knocked completely off balance. She’s changed so much.’

  ‘Of course she has. We all have.’ Howard frowned. ‘What’s your point? Are you saying you don’t like her now she’s all grown up?’

  ‘Like her!’ Ben propped himself against the bench, shaking his head. ‘Of course I like her. The problem is I like her too much.’

  The frown disappeared from Howard’s face, and he tipped back his head and laughed with pleasure. ‘You’ve fallen in love with her. That’s wonderful. You’re made for each other. But you certainly hid it well. I’ve known you all my life and I never guessed.’

  Ben scowled. ‘I’m glad you think it’s so funny. How do you think she would react if the man she’s only ever considered as a friend suddenly grabbed her and made passionate love to her?’

  ‘Why don’t you try it?’

  ‘Amy would be horrified, and I’d get a terrible telling-off from Grace.’

  There was silence as each man pictured the scene, then they both roared with laughter.

  ‘Yeah.’ Howard pulled himself together. ‘She does speak her mind, doesn’t she?’

  Ben nodded, feeling the tension ease at last. ‘God, Howard, I’m damned confused.’

  ‘Well, there’s only one way to sort this out, and that’s to tell Amy how you feel.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t think—’

  ‘Ben, those years in that camp have addled your brain. Amy loves you; she always has. She isn’t going to throw up her hands in horror if you tell her you love her in a different way now she’s a woman.’

  ‘But she loved John so much.’ Ben ran a hand through his hair, confusion etched on his features.

  ‘John’s gone,’ Howard said quietly. ‘He was killed a long time ago. It tore Amy apart, but having Grace helped, and she’s had the courage to move on. I think she’s ready to fall in love again, and, in my opinion, you’re the prime candidate. Get your feelings out in the open. She’s a wonderful woman, and I believe you would be happy together.’

  ‘I hope you’re right.’ Ben stared at the painting, feeling his heart rate accelerate. He needed these two more than he could ever remember wanting anything in his life. Even the yearning for freedom couldn’t compare with this. If she couldn’t think of him as a husband, then he’d damned well have to convince her!

  It was late afternoon when Ben reached East Meon. After his talk with Howard, he’d left immediately for the station, cursing the lack of petrol. He could have made it in half the time by car.

  Grace spotted him first, hurtling down the path, arms out wide. After only two days in the country, she was back to full health.

  ‘Uncle Ben!’

  He swept her up, spinning round and round with her, making her giggle. ‘Hello, sweetheart, you look better.’

  ‘My spots are all gone.’

  ‘Ben!’ Mildred and Charles greeted him. ‘What a lovely surprise. Come in.’

  ‘Thank you. I hope you don’t mind me calling uninvited?’

  ‘Not at all.’ Charles smiled. ‘You’re always welcome here. Are you staying the night with us?’

  ‘I don’t want to put you to any trouble. I thought I might be able to stay in the village somewhere.’

  ‘We won’t hear of it, Ben,’ Mildred Sterling said. ‘There’s plenty of room for you here.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  Amy came in from the kitchen, and couldn’t hide her surprise at seeing him, but she didn’t seem upset, he noted with relief. Still holding Grace, he bent and kissed her cheek. ‘You’re looking well; the rest is doing you good.’

  ‘Hello, Ben, what brings you down here? Is everyone all right back home?’

  ‘They’re fine. I’ve come to see you.’ He put Grace down and draped his arm around Amy’s shoulder. ‘We need to talk.’

  But there was no chance at that moment, because tea was ready, and Grace had to tell him about all the lovely things they had been doing, like walking in the woods and visiting a farm and seeing all the animals.

  ‘I sat on a horse!’ Her eyes were wide when she told him this piece of stupendous news. ‘He was ever so big, and Grandpa had to hold me in case I fell off.’ Grace couldn’t sit still. ‘It walked along, didn’t it, Grandpa?’

  ‘It certainly did. You haven’t shown your mummy the drawing you did this afternoon, have you?’

  Grace shook her head. ‘I copied out of one of my books.’

  ‘Go and get it, my sweetie.’ Mildred watched her granddaughter with love. ‘I’m sure Uncle Ben would like to see it as well.’

  Sliding off her chair, Grace ran into the front room, returning almost at once, proudly holding out a sheet of paper.

  When Amy saw it, the breath caught in her throat. There was certainly a horse there, but also other things.

  ‘You’ve helped her with this?’ Amy asked her mother-in-law.

  ‘No, she copied all of it from the books she brought down with her. She’s a very bright child, and picks up things quickly. John was just the same. You’ve done the right thing by giving her lots of books at an early age.’

  ‘Ben.’ Amy thrust the paper at him, too agitated to be able to read it herself. She’d seen Grace drawing letters of the alphabet, but never complete words. ‘Is it right?’

  Ben held Amy’s hand tightly, feeling it tremble. ‘The letters are all correct, even the D and B you have trouble with are round the right way.’

  ‘How long have you been doing words, darling?’

  ‘I do them in my colouring book.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but the letters are already drawn, you only have to fill them in with coloured pencil.’ Amy didn’t know whether to laugh or cry; so she gripped Ben’s hand as hard as she could.

  ‘Well, I’ve done them all, so I’ve drawn my own. What’s the matter, Mummy? Don’t you like it?’

  Letting go of Ben, she hugged Grace. ‘It’s absolutely beautiful, darling. Now you can help me with my writing.’

  ‘Shall I show you how I can do it?’

  ‘Please, darling.’ Amy fought for control as she watched her daughter write A, B, C, copying from her book of letters. It had been Amy’s greatest fear that Grace might have inherited whatever was
wrong with her, so she had given her these simple books from the moment she could toddle. She hadn’t intended to start her on reading until she was four in September, but Grace had beaten her to it.

  ‘She’s going to be all right, Amy,’ Ben murmured in her ear.

  Leaning against him, she bit her lip in relief. ‘I couldn’t do anything like that when I was her age, and when I couldn’t keep up with the others in school, they said I was stupid and lazy.’

  Ben squeezed her shoulder. ‘We know you’re not stupid or lazy.’

  She smiled. ‘When we get back home perhaps we can ask Ted to help her with reading and writing, then when she starts school, she’ll have a head start.’

  ‘He’ll love that.’

  ‘Is my drawing of the horse all right, Uncle Ben?’

  ‘It’s perfect. He must have been a very handsome horse.’

  Grace nodded and ran to her grandmother. ‘Can I put it by my bed, Granny?’

  ‘Of course you can. We’ll go and do it now, and then you can get ready for bed.’

  Grace went with her quite happily, chattering about the picture Uncle Ben had done of her and put beside her bed at home.

  Ben stood up, pulling Amy with him. ‘Do you mind if I take Amy for a walk?’ he asked Charles.

  ‘Not at all; off you go, and we’ll put Grace to bed. Have a drink at the pub.’

  They walked along in silence. Ben pulled Amy’s hand through his arm and held it there. The relief at seeing that Grace might not have trouble with words was immense, and she was content to walk without talking. But: ‘Er… We’ve passed the pub. Don’t you want a drink?’ Amy was still puzzled why Ben had turned up like this, but she was glad he was here. This was more like the man she loved and had always leant on for help and support.

  ‘No, I just want to talk.’

  Her smile was amused. ‘You’re not doing much of that.’

  They turned down a quiet lane, stopping by a large oak tree. Ben leant against it, holding both of Amy’s hands. He took a deep breath. ‘After so long stuck in a POW camp, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to paint again.’