Other Side of Beautiful (A Beautifully Disturbed #1)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  “Still with me, Brontë?”

  Those words are enough to pull me out of my own head for now. “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Good. In that case, you ready for breakfast, Valentine? I’ve got it baking in the oven now.”

  “I’ve never been anyone’s Valentine before. Not even in school.” So let me understand, I tell him stupid things about myself and he gives me kisses in return? Because the way Ben kisses me again, softly brushing his thumb across my lower lip, makes me want to admit every stupid thing I’ve ever done. Almost.

  “If I have my way, you’ll never be anyone’s Valentine ever—just mine.”

  “You’re a nut.” I go to slap him, but Ben grabs my hand and turns, leading me the short distance from his bedroom into the kitchen.

  It almost doesn’t register when we see Col sitting at the table with his head resting against the flat surface, hands raking through the back of his hair, looking strangely dead to the world.

  “Collin? Are you okay?”

  “Isn’t it sweet? Little Elly Dinninger finally got laid.” The words muffle against the tabletop. “Could you have been any louder? Other people live here.” I don’t know what’s the matter with Mr. Crankypants, but those words aren’t coming from the sexy, playful Collin I know. Not my friend. My friend would never say such things to me. The man sitting in front of me, I’ve never met before.

  “Did something happen? Where’s Kip?”

  “At his house. Because he doesn’t live here. Maybe it’s time you head back home. Booty calls don’t stay over.”

  “Do not do this.” Ben places his hand on Collin’s shoulder and squeezes, but Collin shrugs it away. “You want to hurt someone, hurt me. But you won’t talk to her like that. Don’t make me choose between the two of you, not today.”

  “Man, she’s got you whipped.”

  “When has that ever been bad?”

  He looks up, his eyes rimmed red like he’s been crying. Collin’s normal put-togetherness is falling apart right in front of me. I want to hold him like he held me in the school yesterday. His words hurt, but my friend is hiding inside somewhere, and he is clearly hurting more. Mostly I’m afraid to overstep. Whatever these issues, they go back further than me.

  “Ben, let me just grab my jacket. I can walk home, it’s not that far. You take care of your friend. I’m sorry, Col. For whatever this is, I’m so, so sorry.” He won’t look at me or even acknowledge that I’ve spoken to him, so I start back for my stuff. Ben catches my arm.

  “No. Elle. Just, would you mind hanging in my room for a little bit? I’ll come get you when I’m done.”

  Really, I feel like saying no. It’s not that I’m mad at him or anything, but if I wanted to deal with the levels of unwantedness filling up their apartment, I’d have stayed in California. Then I see it. There’s a brief flash of fear and sadness in Ben’s eyes that strikes me so odd, the word slips out without thought. “Sure.” He pulls me to him, brushing his nose against mine, catching my bottom lip with a brief kiss before letting go.

  Chapter 29

  Ben

  “What are you doing?”

  “Go take care of your piece of ass. You’ve taken your side. Just leave me alone.”

  “Collin, I’m not leaving you alone. I’m here. So talk.”

  “What is there to say? Andrew is dead.”

  “Yeah, he’s dead. He is. We aren’t. We are still breathing here, brother. We’re still breathing. And for the first time in three years my pain feels manageable.”

  “Well aren’t you just the lucky one?”

  “It’s not luck. It’s her. It’s Elle. She helps me, man. She helps me. I thought maybe…I thought it might finally be the same for you. Damn it, Col, you seemed so happy last night. What happened?”

  “You want to know what happened?” And out of nowhere he shoves up from the table, knocking his chair to the floor, and he begins pacing. “You want to know what happened?” The pitch of his voice raises a good decibel.

  It’s breaking my heart. “Come on, settle down.”

  “Don’t you tell me to settle down. Not when you have no idea what he did.” He screams at me, throwing his cup in the sink, smashing against the porcelain.

  “Tell me.” I place my hand on his shoulder. “What did Kip do?”

  “He…told me he loves me.” When Collin falls to his knees, it’s all I can do not to break right along with him. Right now I have to put aside all thoughts of Elle. That beautiful woman in my bedroom, she calms me, comforts me, and I know if he’d only let Kip, Kip would take up the slack to calm. To comfort. But he pushes him away. “He can’t love me. I won’t let him.”

  “It’s okay. It’s okay to love him, you know.”

  “It’s not. I’m not allowed to love. It just can’t happen,” he cries, and I hold him. “It just can’t happen.”

  We’re so caught up with everything that I totally forget about the French toast baking in the oven. From zero to burn the place down, just that fast the kitchen starts filling up with smoke, settling off the fire alarm. Both me and Col grab towels. He fans the smoke away while I turn off the oven, pulling the charred remains of our special breakfast out and set the pan on the stovetop.

  Andrew. Damn practical joker. My brother may not be here in body but he’s here in spirit, laughing at the both of us for shedding so many tears. We laugh. God, we laugh so hard the tears come back, thankfully happier ones this time.

  “Go.” He says to me. “Go to her. You need her…and she needs you.”

  “You sure?”

  “Go.” He says again, shoving my shoulder. Don’t have to tell me a third time.

  She’s lying on the bed, on her belly with a pillow propped up under her chin when I walk in the room. She looks so cute and innocent, and keeping my hands off her, well, it’s impossible. Brushing the messy strands away from her face, she swats at my hand. And then she swats it again.

  “Hey, sleepyhead. Wake up.” My hand sweeps down from her hair to rest between her shoulders.

  “I’m not sleeping. I’m watching swimming.” She looks up to point at the television. Bowling. “You want me to go home now?”

  “No. No, Brontë, I actually want to talk with you. Could I take you for something to eat? You must be starved, I know I am. Breakfast got a little…mmm…overdone. Although seeing you lying on my bed…No. Food first.”

  Chapter 30

  Elle

  The air around us smells as greasy as the tension-laced air feels thick in the little pancake house booth we sit at, separated by the table and metaphorically everything ready to be laid across the table. My second cup of coffee in and he still hasn’t told me what he’s brought me here to say, which sets my stomach churning even though I’ve ordered a good sized breakfast. Finally I just can’t take it any longer.

  “Are you breaking up with me?” I ask.

  “What? No. God, no. Elle, I lo—affection you. I’m just not—well, today is a complicated day for Col and me.”

  “Did…did you and him…date?” His eyes about pop as big and as round as I’ve ever seen them go. “I don’t judge. You have to know, I don’t judge. People go through experimental phases.” His laugh breaks, easing some of the tension and I get a glimpse of that dimpled smile of his. It’s been too long.

  “Col and I never dated. But here’s the thing,” he pauses, swiping at his glassy eyes. Instinctually I reach for his free hand, holding it across the table. His breath hitches a couple of times but he still continues. “I don’t talk about him, about what happened. Not many people know. It’s just still so hard, you know? No, of course you don’t, because I haven’t told you anything yet.”

  “Ben, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

  “I do. You’re part of my life now. You need to know. Collin and I have been like brothers since start of sophomore year of high school. There was a group of about five guys—hockey jocks. They jumped Col because of a rumor—that he’d been seen kissing some guy behind the
McDonalds. When I found him, I wasn’t even sure I’d found him in time. I’d never even really spoken to him before that, but five against one is bullshit.” I nod at the appropriate pauses, noticing his balled fists. “He had to go to the hospital and everything. Man, he was so scrawny back then.” I choke, coughing out my coffee. “Really. Col was scrawny. He’d been embarrassed and didn’t want me around, but I’m thickheaded and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Couldn’t just leave him as such an easy target, and no one would dare touch me because of my older brother, varsity QB and resident badass Andrew Hayes, two years older.” He’d mentioned his brother in passing a few times over the years, never really elaborating. That’s what’s so great about our group, we don’t push. He didn’t offer more, so we left it alone. “But see,” he continues on, “there was something about Drew nobody else knew.”

  “Is he the guy Collin had been seen kissing?”

  “No. But you got the point. I’d known since my brother’s freshman year. He was my best friend. But then I started bringing Col around. The three of us, we used to have so much fun. When they fell in love, it was fucking perfect. Not just some high school fling, but the real deal.”

  The waitress brings our plates stacked high with chocolate chip pancakes, heart shaped eggs, and bacon rosettes. He waits for her to refill our coffees before continuing. “So we’re seniors, and Drew’s playing ball for Purdue. He came home for Valentine’s Day asking Col to move in with him after graduation. Everyone knew about Col, but no one in our town knew about Drew, especially not our parents. He’d bought Collin a sort of promise ring. Well, my dad, he caught them making out after Drew had given him the ring. He wasn’t supposed to be home, but had gotten back from dinner early.”

  “He freaked?”

  “Freaked doesn’t even come close. He sent Collin away, saying just—” We sit holding hands again over the table, me listening intently while he just shakes his head. Whatever that man had said, I think I want to hurt him for it. “Well, I jumped all over my dad. It was Drew who came to mine and Collin’s defenses. But my dad let loose more hatred than I ever thought him capable of. That’s when Drew swore he was done with my parents and our town, and was going after the man he loved. My brother, he was emotional and not thinking clearly. The roads were too icy.” His voice cracks on the last word. When Ben’s voice cracks, my heart cracks. I don’t want his words to be true.

  “He took a corner too fast, flipped in a ditch. They said he died on impact.” Suddenly being across the table from Ben seems too much space between us. I push out from my spot, sliding in next to him, my arm around his shoulders, stroking his hair while he rests his face against my neck and sighs so deeply it scares me that he might not be able to catch his breath again.

  “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry, Ben. It’s been three years today?” He nods. “You shouldn’t be here with me. Go. Be with Collin. You two need each other today. I’ve always been alone on Valentine’s Day. It’s no big deal.”

  “No. Don’t you see? Today is the first time in three years I didn’t wake up feeling like I’d been punched in the gut repeatedly. It’s you. I need to be with you. I’m happy around you, which is something I never thought I’d feel again. Something that Collin is having a hard time with. It’s the first year he’s had someone for Valentine’s Day too. He cares for Kip, I can tell. But he’s just so—”

  “Conflicted? Like if he lets himself move on, he’s somehow betraying your brother.”

  “Yah.”

  “How do you feel about it?”

  “Honestly? I know how much he lo—loved my brother. He’s still alive, Drew isn’t. Drew would want him to live his life.”

  “You have a hard time with love, huh?”

  “Never go easy on me, do you Dinninger?”

  “My job isn’t to sit here blowing smoke up your ass, Hayes.”

  “Since sophomore year, ‘love,’” he actually uses air quotes, “put Collin in the hospital and kept him and my brother from going public, thanks to a town full of bigots. It ended up killing my brother. So no. I don’t think much of ‘love.’” I guess I saw that coming. Hearing him say he doesn’t think much of love, it kind of hurts, because I don’t just affection Ben, I love him. At the same time, I totally understand him. “That’s why just sex. That’s why I went those years without saying anything to you. I fought with myself, trying to tune you out. But it is no use. You got under my skin.”

  We sit quiet for a while, me just trying to absorb the words filling up the space between us, littering the table, the room.

  “Say something, please?” he finally begs. But I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to say?

  The one thing he doesn’t want to hear. “I don’t expect anything from you. We haven’t been dating long, and I’m sorry for my poor timing, but I just need you to know…that I love you, Ben. I don’t want you to say it back, though. You care for me and that’s more than I’ve ever had from anyone.” I don’t know what made me do it. He doesn’t react, not even a wince or blinking. His mouth doesn’t pull tight, his forehead doesn’t wrinkle, nothing but a blank stare on his face. I can’t sit any longer waiting on the humiliation that’s just about to break free from his mouth. So I do what I always do. What Jane Eyre would do. I run. I run to the ladies.

  Maybe Cricket is right. Something else I’ve screwed up. What in the hell was I thinking? Superpower. Superpower at its finest. At least there were no phones to capture the moment. No way for it to get back to my mother. To embarrass her. Time passes slowly in a bathroom stall. What feels like an hour, probably only ten minutes.

  He doesn’t press the issue when I get back to our table after hiding out in the restroom. I know it was unfair, dropping such a bomb at probably the most inappropriate time of all inappropriate times. When a man tells you he doesn’t believe in love, the first instinct shouldn’t be to tell him you love him, but then again, what does he expect dating awkward Elle?

  We eat without any more conversation. He looks up from his plate several times with his mouth open like he wants to say something, but no words ever form. Several couples move in and out of the restaurant, talkative, animated, while we sit not talking. I scratch my nose. He sips his coffee. The silence becomes so unbearable for me that I can’t even finish my food, pushing the plate away. He gives up soon after, picking up the check and walks to the register to pay. The cashier puffs her chest out. Ben is unresponsive but that doesn’t seem to deter her. I watch her lightly stroke his hand as she takes the money from him.

  In the context of the bigger, universal picture, what I said to him, what she’s doing to him means nothing. But they both still hurt like hell. And I’m still not used to people paying for my meals, so I leave the five spot on the table for a tip, keeping my head down until I get outside to Ben’s Jeep. It’s not warm by any means, yet feels damn near tropical compared to the barren tundra of emotion I just walked away from. I look toward the sun’s rays, letting them pool on my face and neck while leaning back against the car. Ben moves to my side, sliding me so I rest against him now. He’d left his army jacket open, so I snuggle into his body heat.

  “I hope this doesn’t change things.” His breath puffs against my ear, tickling the skin around my earlobe. “I still want you to stay with me. I’ve never slept as well as I do spooning next to you.”

  “You don’t have to.” I point between us. “What I did in there was wrong.”

  “Elle, stay with me. Please.” It’s the please that does it, takes me from humiliated back to wanting to help ease some of the sadness of the day from his life.

  “I need to stop home for some stuff.”

  “Will you go somewhere with me first?”

  Chapter 31

  Elle

  There are a hundred little towns and villages lining the shore of Lake Michigan, most closed up except for the barest essentials for the season, and we’ve driven through most of them. As he drives, images of my father and grandmother surround me in e
very tree we pass, every side road or mile marker. I won’t cry again, not in front of him, but I haven’t been north of Grand Rapids since I left Michigan when I was six. Maybe Dr. Packard is right. I don’t want him to be right, but maybe he is. Maybe having attachments is too much for someone as disturbed as me. I was fine until Ben. Kept my nose clean.

  “Where are we going?” My voice croaks like a damn traitor yet again, giving away my emotions.

  “Brontë, what’s wrong?” Ben eases the Jeep to the shoulder of the road, shifting into park. “Why are you crying?”

  Deny. Deny. Deny. But somehow, ‘it’s just allergies’ sounds as stupid in my head as it would sound aloud. And forget about the whole ‘you can’t love me’ fiasco. What I decide to tell him is the easiest truth to tell. “I just haven’t been this far north in a very long time.”

  My trembling hand is in his hand then, his thumb rubbing circles around the fleshy part of my palm. “Did something bad happen?”

  “No. I mean, yes and no.” Okay, so that’s not really an answer. Why after so many years do I still find talking about him so hard? I need to just shut up and get over it already, right? Yes. That’s what I need to do. Suck it up and tell him. “It’s just…I used to live in Michigan when I was a kid. Did you know that?” He shakes his head. “I lived with my dad and grandma.”

  “I thought you lived with your mom and sister?”

  “I did.” He brings my hand up to his lips, kissing the exact spot he’d been rubbing just moments before, and I reward him with a long, almost over exaggerated sigh, as if it wasn’t completely legit. He shared with me today, so I owe him something, even if not the whole story. He deserves to know how I became so messed in the head.