Other Side of Beautiful (A Beautifully Disturbed #1)

by Sarah Zolton Arthur

  I open my mouth to call to him when Hilary, the Hilary steps up, invading his personal body space—and he hugs her. Not a half hug/pat kind of uncomfortable hug, but an honest, good to see you hug.

  I keep walking toward them, although he seems content in their conversation. Until she leans in to kiss his cheek. Ben pulls away. He pulls away. Hilary stays in his personal space, and with her hand on his chest she asks, “You okay? You look troubled—stressed?” He does look it too. He didn’t look it earlier.

  “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”

  “Well what’s up? You want to talk about it?” Even with all her upward inflection, she’s a sparrow, a Saltmouth sparrow. Her voice is clanking like a sparrow, buzzing and trilling. She’s a sparrow who wants my penguin to become a sparrow too. Or worse, maybe she’s a sparrow who wants to be a penguin. But she can’t be his penguin. No. No. He’s my boyfriend. She can’t be his penguin because I’m his penguin. She needs to walk away. I should storm over there and tell her so. But my heart couldn’t take it if he chose her over me. Ben’s never given me reason to doubt my penguin status, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying that maybe I’m really the sparrow in disguise. So I stay planted in my spot listening instead.

  “Nothing you’d want to hear about,” he says back to her.

  “Try me? I’m a good listener?”

  He sighs before telling her, “Thank you for your concern, but my problem is that I don’t get to spend enough time with my girlfriend.” He says this as he removes her hand from his chest.

  “Girlfriend?”

  “Yes. Girlfriend.”

  “You don’t really mean the big girl?” Just as she says ‘big girl’ I step forward. My foot catches a slick spot of black ice, my ankle twisting underneath me, sending me sliding to the ground hard. I can’t help crying out from the pain.

  Both Ben and Hilary look back my way. His eyes go wide while she stands staring, snickering. She can snicker all she wants because he shoves past her and within maybe ten steps he’s on his knees beside me, pulling me into his strong arms.

  “Brontë, you hurt?”

  “My ankle twisted, but I don’t think it’s serious.”

  “Come on, let’s get you up. Ground’s too cold.” The Hilary finally makes her way over to us. I guess she doesn’t want to seem like a heartless bitch to the man she’s trying to snag from me.

  “She okay?” she says to him, not to me. Standing there acting like she doesn’t know exactly who I am.

  “I think she’ll be all right. Hilary, my girlfriend Elle.”

  “She knows who I am. We have two classes together,” I tell him, to which she rumples her nose and answers.

  “Oh, that’s right? I didn’t recognize you all bundled up?”

  “Well, enjoy your lunch.” My words punctuate sharply, very sharply, in her direction, hoping she’ll finally take the hint. She does, leaving without a wave to Ben or even a look back over her shoulder.

  As I stand leaning against his chest, he wraps an arm around my waist for support. “Can you walk on it?”

  I nod. “Thank you. For the help.”

  “You thought I wouldn’t?”

  “No. I’m sorry, you know.”

  “For?”

  “For causing you distress.”

  “Shit,” he says under his breath. “You heard that?”

  “I wasn’t eavesdropping. I just heard you talking when I walked up.” It’s a lie, because I absolutely eavesdropped. Too scared to confront her.

  “I wouldn’t care if you did. If I saw you hugging some guy, I’d want to know what you were talking about.”

  “What? You don’t trust me?”

  “Oh, I absolutely trust you. I just don’t trust other guys around you. I’m a guy, and I know what I want to do to you. Ipso facto.” There’s that smile, showing off the dimple for me as we start walking inside the science building. He holds the door so I can limp through, but then he’s back at my side again giving me his shoulder to lean on.

  “Don’t you miss it? I’m not stupid. You and Hilary slept together.”

  He stops walking, turning me to face him. “Of course I miss it. But not enough if it means going back to Hilary.”

  “But—she gave you what I haven’t been able to yet.”

  “What we did, she’s done with a lot of other men. That’s not a judgment, it’s just fact. She gave me something of little importance to her, her body.”

  “That’s kind of mean. So if a woman has a lot of sex, her body is of little importance to her?”

  “No. That’s not what I meant. She told me so herself. She initiated the sex and told me flat out, it’s just sex.” Then the bastard starts to laugh, shaking his head at me.

  What? “What’s so funny?”

  “You realize you just defended a girl trying to get in my pants again.”

  “Whatever. Solidarity and all that.”

  “God you’re cute when you blush.” So of course when you have Benton Hayes saying something like that to you, you blush even harder. At least I do, especially as he traces the back of his fingers along my temple. “And just so we’re clear, what you’ve given me is so much more important. I’ll take your heart over her body any day.”

  Damn it. He always knows the perfect thing to say to calm my, I don’t know, irrationalities. “What about my body?” His answer is a kiss. A long, deeply delicious kiss, unchaste and uncaring that we are making a spectacle of ourselves in front of a quarter of the student population. When he pulls back, there is so much want in his eyes, which once again makes me feel elated and scared as hell.

  Ben takes ahold of my hand to lead me to the food lines. “One of these days, I’m going to keep your attention.”

  “Sor—”

  “Don’t need an apology. Just, you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts. I’m right here with you, and I’ll be here as long as you want me.”

  Chapter 41

  Ben

  I’ve never been so glad for midterms to be over since starting college. Yesterday could’ve gone so wrong with Hilary showing up. I promised myself I’d always be nice to past hookups, but I just didn’t realize she was the girl. The one that almost broke us up before we had the chance to really get going.

  Elle and I need time together. Away. Just the two of us. She needs to see how serious I am about us. She doesn’t just need it, she deserves it. Those ghosts peeking out at me through her eyes. Whatever they whisper to her, it’s not how much I need her, that’s for sure. We have a whole lifetime of Cricket to deprogram out of her head. My god, how could she even look at Hilary and think she has competition?

  Errol slips into the front of my Jeep. He stays silent. My friends know, they somehow just know. His presence today is so welcome. Collin and Kip are at it again. They need space too. And I’m just not ready to talk.

  We drive, a silent communication between us. Him going inside the grocery store to grab the snacks and drinks we’ll need for the trip. Me, pulling into the gas station out front to fuel up. It all just works.

  And today is so much nicer than yesterday, so a good day for travel. Not warm, but in Michigan once the temperature hits 45 degrees, Michiganders start breaking out the shorts. Ridiculous, I know. I guess we’re just a hearty people. Even us transplants. Even though Michigan is in my blood. My dad’s people.

  I wonder if Elle and I will make our home here or if we’ll end up somewhere else. It won’t be California. She’ll never step foot in that state again if I have anything to say about it. With senior year looming, I feel the noose tightening around my neck, a little bit tighter every day.

  Benton Hayes. I’m the one who’s supposed to have all my shit together. They follow my lead. Somehow I was voted patriarch of this family over the past couple years. I didn’t vote. The empty nest feeling is crushing. It’s always there, the countdown ticking off to the side. Not living near Bri and Errol, I don’t even want to think that day could happen. But Collin. With what we’v
e survived together, not seeing him every day, the thought used to wake me at night, cold sweats and heart palpitations. Losing Andrew, I of all people know the importance of family.

  It still troubles me. I still carry around all these fears in my back pocket alongside my wallet and cell phone, but now that I have Elle beside me, the necrotic blackness of the future seems less desperate. I’ll go anywhere she needs to go and we’ll figure the rest out. Hopefully it’s somewhere we can all raise our families together. Never thought I’d want any of it. But now, I want those things I never had. Dads-only camping trips with Uncle Collin and Uncle Kip, Uncle Errol and all the kids, “cousins” giving the moms a little time to themselves. It’s stupid. But we won’t be in college forever. It can’t hurt to get an idea of the life I’d like to strive for.

  Errol opens the trunk, piling the plastic bags in the back before climbing up front next to me. He nods with one of those knowing looks he gets, probably because now I’ve got a stupid smile on my face as compared to the scowl I wore when I dropped him off.

  “You think you and Bri will have kids?”

  He doesn’t hesitate. “Hell yeah we’re having kids. The best parts of me. The best parts of her. The chance to do things differently, better.”

  “But you’d be responsible for another human life. Doesn’t that freak you out?”

  “Yep.”

  “And you had no doubt that you wanted to marry Bri?”

  “None. She’s the one thing in my life that I’ve never been more sure about. You thinking about Elle?”

  “We still have so much baggage to sort through.”

  “But you feel it, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then you know what to do. But you don’t have to take my advice. I only did what Beyoncé told me to do.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I liked it, so I put a ring on it.”

  I start the car. “You’re an idiot.” He just shrugs.

  Elle and Sabrina are sitting on their suitcases when we pull up in front of my apartment. The sun catches the blonde highlights of Elle’s hair making it sparkle like gold. And she’s smiling, her real, genuine smile. The one we don’t get to see nearly enough. We are definitely going away at the end of the semester. That’s a smile I want to keep just for me. Who knows, maybe we’ll change it to one no one else has ever seen.

  When she turns to look at me, all those worries fall away until it’s just my feet moving toward her. She stands, and as my arms go around her and our lips connect I hear Errol singing in the background. “All the single ladies. All the single ladies.” We all turn to look at him. He’s singing, all right, and complete with hand gestures and dance moves.

  “Idiot,” I shout, then return to the single most important task in my life at this moment.

  Collin closes the front door to our place, toting a travel bag behind him. I look up and nod, to which he rolls his eyes. For the moment, life is good.

  After a final check to make sure neither of the girls is leaving behind something they can’t live without for the week, because it’s not like Myrtle Beach has stores or anything, we slide into my loaded-down SUV, me driving. Elle takes the passenger seat with Collin, Errol, and Sabrina fighting for shoulder space in the back.

  Writing is all about connections, and PWAC—Professional Writers Association Conference—is the place to make those significant connections. Grad schools, Indie publishers, lit journals, even agents—anybody who’s anybody connected with writing shows up.

  Elle’s in her own world again, staring out the window. I’d like to talk to her. There’s been so much on my mind lately that I’d like her take on. Because I’m not going to lie, that damn Beyoncé song has been playing on a loop in my head since I talked with Errol earlier. Is that something she’d even be open to? Would it seem too fast for her?

  “Hey, Brontë?”

  “Hmm?” The look on her face is so peaceful, almost innocent, that I can’t do it. How do you bring up marriage when you can’t even say I love you? You can’t. Or, I can’t, at any rate. It’s not fair to her. Her arms are wrapped around her midsection, so that becomes my out.

  “You warm enough?”

  “Well, you know me. I can always be warmer.”

  I have to touch her, reaching over, I run my hand over her folded arms.

  “You look tired. Try to sleep.”

  “Been a long week.” Her eyes close as the words, only whispers, reach me through a yawn. She rolls over facing the closed window, and I can’t help to continue touching her more, grazing my finger along her cheek one time before I let her alone to rest.

  We spend hours on the highway. All of Ohio and half of West Virginia before we stop for the evening. The Best Western. The first place we see off the highway. Bri’s asleep on Errol’s shoulder, but the guys are still up and give their okay. We need to stretch our legs. We need pillows and soft beds, and I wouldn’t exactly mind copping a feel or two on my gorgeous girlfriend. She has beautiful breasts. And we all know the old saying. Once you’ve seen one pair of beautiful breasts, you want to keep seeing them. Over. And over. And over. Well, that might just be my saying.

  Once we’re checked in I drive around to the dark side of the building, pulling up to a parking spot right in front of the side door we’ll use to enter, it takes the room key to get in. Col takes off right away for our room, the one the three of us will be sharing, while Bri and Errol took off for the one they paid for.

  The sky is so clear every constellation in the heavens is visible overhead, at least the spring ones. Elle finds me leaning against the bumper looking up at the stars.

  “Come here.” I snake an arm around her waist, pulling her until she leans against the bumper next to me. “See that?” I direct her gaze to the sky and a bright tail moving slowly.

  “A comet?” she asks. And her face just lights up. “Thank you for inviting me.”

  “It would’ve been torture without you.” And it would have been. Since there doesn’t seem like much else to say, I press a kiss to her forehead. To put in all the tender feelings I have for her. The feelings I can’t express. We stay outside for a while longer, no need to talk, just enjoying the night and the company.

  Her beautiful breasts do make an appearance during the night—quietly, so as not to wake up a sleeping best friend in the next bed. In the morning, after a breakfast consisting mostly of strong coffee and pretty much all the bacon set out for the continental breakfast, we turn in our key cards, heading out for the second leg of our spring break adventure.

  We make it through the rest of West Virginia, pass through a portion of Virginia, and are well into North Carolina when my phone rings from the center console. I let it go to voicemail because of the driving, but it immediately rings again. And again I let it go to voicemail. The third ring in a row has me pulling off the highway into a Mercedes Benz dealership to answer. Anyone who wants to get ahold of me that badly, and all. It’s my mom’s number. I haven’t talked to her since Andrew died. And the only thing I can think is that we’re just outside of Charlotte. My mom calls me for the first time in three years and I think geography. Elle’s ritual helps, then I hit talk. Maybe the bastard finally dropped.

  I listen. Not speaking. When the phone falls from my hand, everything happens around me without moving. Elle picks up my phone and puts it to her ear. I see her lips moving, but without volume. Then Errol and Bri are hugging me. Collin has tears in his eyes. Without me moving.

  Elle kisses my cheek, swiping her thumb across the spot her lips had been and climbs out of the car. That’s the last anyone pays attention to her until she crawls back into the front seat. Some time has passed. More for me. None for my Grand. Time won’t ever pass for her again.

  “Ben, baby.” She grabs my hand. “I used my credit card. The airline has bereavement tickets waiting for you and Collin, okay? Switch spots and I’ll get us to the airport. Then, um, we can drive your Jeep back.”

  I sque
eze my eyes shut. Damn it, I shouldn’t have stayed away so long from my grandmother. I was going to take Elle to meet her. “I need you there. I need you there, Brontë.” The sound of my voice is off—strangled.

  “Okay. Let me try to add a third ticket. I just didn’t want to overstep. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything.”

  God, that’s my girl. I don’t know if I believe or not, in things like God, but somehow the universe saw fit to push us together, and I know I’d be lost without her.

  Chapter 42

  Elle

  We rent a car after landing in Cincinnati, the closest airport I could book us at the time and head southwest toward Evanston, Indiana. Ben and Collin lived just on the other side in some small town. I drive until we hit Evanston where we stop at a Men’s Warehouse to fit them with suits. The commercials are right, I love them in those suits. Too bad it’s under these circumstances. Then, because my credit card is hitting max capacity, we stop at a Wal-Mart so I can pick up something. It doesn’t matter as much what I wear, but I want to be respectful.

  He takes over driving from there. And it starts raining, pouring actually. The closer we get to their little burgh, the less sad he looks, the more indifferent, I guess. And that scares the shit out of me. Indifference means he’s not dealing, and not dealing isn’t healthy.

  The closer we drive to his home, the quieter the car ride becomes. Ben white-knuckles the steering wheel, not taking his eyes off the road. I reach over, patting his leg. Sometimes words just don’t work. He pries a hand from the wheel, intertwining our fingers. Collin stares out the back window, his cheek resting against the cool glass. The streaking raindrops look like his tears. It’s the first time either Ben or Collin has been home since the summer after graduating high school. Years of Christmases and summer breaks spent on campus, in town. And to think, they invited me. I want to be here for them—for him. Ben and his grandma had once been close. Once upon a time, they’d all been close. The sadness and regret built up in this car, stagnate in the air, and suffocates the three of us.