“He’s doing well. He’s stable and happy. As a mom, I couldn’t ask for more.” My voice cracks as my chest pierces with pain. The tears fall of their own free will, streaking my cheeks, and I don’t bother to wipe them away.
“As a mom, I understand you want those things for your son, but, Sam, you never gave yourself a chance to provide him with those things yourself,” she says, and she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about.
“Kell, I’m the town fuckup. Do I need to remind you? And what about Blake? He didn’t step up to plate. Fucking asshole sticking his nose now where it doesn’t belong. He has no right going to Al with this,” I shout and tug at the short strands of my hair.
“Blake’s been hurting a long time too. You’ve both been hurting. Fucking him all the time doesn’t relieve that burden. Not for him and not for you,” she says, and at her words the air is sucked out of my lungs. I just feel exhausted all over again as I fall back on my bed.
I cry into my hands, and Kell lets me cry. She’s wrong about one thing, though. Blake made a mistake. He so much as admitted that to me the day he arrived back from college with an injured knee. And I took care of Ethan the first two years of his life, and I was able to do it because Mack helped me. We would never have made it without her. I was always messed-up. My head got messed-up when my mama died, and it never healed.
“Sam …” Kell’s voice is delicate as she approaches me. “You were depressed for a long time, and you had every right to be. I don’t believe for one minute you couldn’t raise that boy properly. You just don’t believe in yourself. That’s the problem.” She laughs through her tears. “It’s fucking crazy too because you’re completely beautiful, competent, and smart. I mean look at you…” her hand waves over my body “…if perfection existed, it would be you, but, honey, you gotta feel it in here.” She holds her hand to her heart. “You need to believe in yourself. You need to take some risks. We’re all scared, Sam. Life is fucking scary. I’m scared we won’t have money to feed Theo and this new baby.” She rubs her stomach. “Gage is doing the best he can, and so am I, and I have to believe that we’re going to make it. You gotta have some faith. You got a lot going for you. You’re a fine rancher and you’ve been dedicated to this place for a lot of years. You haven’t given up on this ranch, so for crying out loud, I don’t know why you are giving up on yourself. And don’t get me started on that angelic voice of yours.” She points a shaky finger at me as the tears stream down her cheeks.
“Fuck, Kell.” I laugh and a bunch of snot comes pouring out of my nose. “Shit.” I reach for the tissue box on the stand beside my bed and grab a bunch. I blow my nose hard because I can barely breathe. And then I look to Kell, and I don’t know what to say. “Thank you.” I sigh. “Thank you for being there through my dark hours. Thank you for giving me a kick in the butt now. Thank you for everything.” I take a few steps toward her and hug her fiercely. She hugs me back.
“I don’t want your thanks.” She pulls away. “I want to see my best friend happy. I want to see you smiling again.” She stops what she’s saying, and I can tell she’s considering her next words. “I shouldn’t say anything. I should let you two figure things out on your own, but back at the bar, Al let it slip that he was falling in love with you.”
At her words, my racing heart slows and a calmness washes over me, because I know in my heart of hearts that I’m falling in love with him too.
“Yeah.” I nod and sigh.
“Yeah,” Kell repeats because I am pretty darn sure that she can read my love for Al in my expression.
“I should go to him,” I suddenly spin around, looking for some clothes. “Will you give me a ride to his family’s cabin?” I still can’t drive.
She nods. “I’ll let you get dressed.” She walks out of my room. I throw on a white thermal shirt and put on a pair of jeans. It feels like forever since I wore jeans. Since the accident, I’ve been living in pajamas. My adrenaline has spiked, and for the first time in my life, I’m filled with hope that Al will forgive me. I know Al isn’t the only part of my life that needs to be fixed. I need to do something about my relationship with Ethan. He should know who I am. He should know who Blake is. I also can’t continue to work on this ranch. It’s not my passion. Kell is right. I’ve been trying to punish myself and in doing that I’ve let my mother down, and it’s a whole can of worms I can’t deal with right now because I need to find Al. I quickly take a brush and run it over my hair so I don’t look like I just rolled out of bed. I head to the bathroom and brush my teeth, and then I run out to the main part of the house so Kell can drive me.
“Okay, I’m …” The words die on my tongue because he is here in our family room, standing tall, looking handsome as ever, his blue eyes sad. I only hope that I can convince this man to take a chance on me.
Chapter Forty-One
Al
“You’re here,” she says, standing frozen in her spot.
“I’ll just get going,” Kell mumbles while grabbing her purse. She struts out the door fast, and my gaze remains locked on Sam.
She looks like she was ready to head out. “Were you leaving just now?” I grit my teeth, wondering where she would go this late. She’s still healing and shouldn’t be going anywhere until the doctor gives his okay.
“Yeah … uh … I was coming to look for you,” she says, surprising the hell out of me.
“Me?” I question. “What the hell for?” I snap, and I know I need to keep my temper in check even with the bombs that have been dropped on me tonight.
“Kell told me what happened with Blake at the bar. I want to explain,” she says, and I nod my head.
“Okay. That’s why I came,” I say as my anger burns through me. I tell myself to rein it in and listen to her. “I need to understand.” I rub my hands along my thighs before rounding the couch and taking a seat. I’m still wearing my jacket because I don’t expect this conversation to last long. I came to hear her piece and then I’m out of here.
She takes a seat across from me on the recliner, and I hate the distance between us. I take in her shaky hands. I hate that we are here in this position now while she is still on the mend.
She sits up straight, her hands in her lap, when she begins. “I didn’t lie to you about Blake.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her I disagree, but I swallow my words. “He and I were exactly what I told you we were. He was fun. He was an escape. It wasn’t love,” she says, and her blue eyes cut to mine and my heart aches. “His mom worked at the Walgreens and Gage was never home, so we spent afternoons at his place. We had only started having sex a couple months before I found out I was pregnant. I was sixteen years old, Al. I was a kid,” she says quietly and through her words I can only imagine how scared she felt. Her eyes well with tears. “I didn’t have a mother to guide me or tell me what to do … and you’ve met Papa. He was even more shut down back then … if that’s even possible.” She rolls her eyes and giggles, but it’s sad, and she swipes at a tear that got away. My heart aches just listening to her. I know what it’s like to feel alone growing up, but I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to be in a position like that and having no one. “Blake was eighteen. He was in senior year and had a promising football career ahead of him. He asked me to get an abortion. It didn’t feel right to me.” She looks at me with a deep pain in her eyes. “I thought maybe I would have the kid and give it away for adoption, but as my belly grew, so did my feelings for the unborn child. It got to the point that I had anxiety attacks over the thought of giving him away.” A garbled laugh escapes her, and tears well in her eyes. It takes everything in me not to get up and embrace her. I don’t because I need to hear this. “Mack was attending college not too far away, and she was just about to finish up her undergrad degree. She offered to take time off to help me out. I didn’t know what that would look like until Ethan was born.” Her legs bounce like crazy, and I can tell her nerves are frayed. Just watching her tell her story makes me want t
o kiss her quiet. Kiss away her tears and her pain.
“Mack really stood up to plate. We read books on how to take care of babies, and we kind of got by. I wouldn’t have made it through those two years without her. She had aspirations though. I knew her time with us was limited. I was only eighteen when she wanted to leave. She got into Columbia Law School on a scholarship. She worked her ass off for it. I had a decision to make. Mack is gay, as you know, and she loved Ethan like her own. She knew she was never settling down with a man, and so she saw Ethan as her only chance at having a child. I gave him to her, and she became his mom.” Her voice cracks as the words leave her mouth, and I see that curtain of sadness that usually hangs over her eyes—the one I thought was there because of her mother’s death. The tears begin to fall faster, her shoulders shake from the force of her emotions.
“Hey, come here,” I say gently, standing from the couch and kneeling in front of her. I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her close to me. She buries her head in my neck, and I feel her wet tears seep into me. The scent of her floral shampoo wafts up my nose, and I inhale and savor the smell. I imagine the pain she must have felt when she gave away her child.
She lifts her head to look at me. “I had nothing to offer him. I should’ve left for college with him and figured things out along the way like Mack did, but Mack and I are so different. Everything she did was gold. Perfection. She put her mind to something and made it happen. I was the loser. I was the girl who couldn’t get her shit together. The one that was stupid enough to get knocked up at sixteen.” She shakes her head. “My self-esteem is messed-up.” She looks up to the ceiling.
“What about Blake? I mean, what role did he play?” I hate asking about him because she’s riled up as it is, but I can see she’s trying to clear things up between us, so I have to ask.
“I told you. He left. He acted as if Ethan didn’t exist.”
“Fuck.”
“I was alone. Mack took Ethan to New York, then Blake appeared again. He dropped out of college when his knee injury ended his football career. He felt bad about his behavior. He wanted to see Ethan, but I made him promise to never make contact with him. Mack had met Autumn, and they became a family. I didn’t want anything to destroy the little bubble my son lived in. Blake continued on with his juvenile behavior. We somehow began hooking up again,” she says, but her tone tells me that she knew it was a terrible idea. “It was like we both felt the loss of Ethan and being together somehow made it easier, but it was never love, and we were never exclusive. I was never Blake’s girl.” She accentuates it like she’s trying to make a point. I’m thinking Kell gave her a word for word breakdown about what happened at Moe’s tonight.
“I see,” I stand up and scrub at the scruff on my chin. I pace a little, allowing her words to penetrate. I take a seat on the couch. My body feels like it’s over heating, so I finally take off the puffy jacket.
“I don’t think you do. I push you away like I push everyone away. I don’t trust people. I know that sounds shitty. I should probably say men.” She chuckles, sitting beside me. “My papa was pretty damn awful to my mother. Mack and I knew it. We hated it. Then she died a lonely, hardworking woman. Blake was also part of the loser department. He didn’t stick around when I needed him. I knew there were good men in Holston. The kind that stuck around, but I was pretty sure that there was something wrong with me. That I couldn’t find the good ones, or maybe didn’t deserve the good ones because I was the woman that gave her kid away. I’ve been putting my dreams on hold. I’ve been working myself raw on this ranch, and it’s all a form of punishment. You see …” she says, and her voice cracks on her last words.
I swipe at the tears in her eyes. “I see a beautiful, passionate, and compassionate woman. That’s what I see.” My voice shakes as I look in her eyes. “You took in a complete stranger and nursed me back to health. You are kind and giving. You even stuck around here because you feel bad for your old man, and he’s done nothing to deserve your kindness. You don’t even see how special you really are, but if you give me a chance, I want to work on making you see what I see when I look at you.” It takes everything in me not to pick her up drop her on my lap and kiss the hell out of her. I can’t do that, though, because I need to know where she stands where I’m concerned. I also know that I should confess my own feelings … something that’s never been easy for me. I know I need to put myself on the line because she sure as hell just put herself on the line.
“I haven’t been completely forthright either,” I say and she tenses.
“What do you mean?” Her brows furrow.
I take a deep breath. “The other night when I told you about Brie … I didn’t give you the whole story.” I rake my fingers through my hair. “Truth is I never spoke to anyone about Brie. Sure, my friends at boarding school knew we were a couple, but I never told anyone that mattered about her,” I say. Still so many years later it hurts to say her name.
“Brie and I didn’t break up because she cheated.” My chest squeezes. “I mean she cheated with a chick. She was high on drugs, but we stayed together after that. I tried to help her put her life back together. We planned a future,” I say, and I watch Sam’s face fall.
“I see.” She wraps her hands in front of her chest and curls into herself.
“No, I mean…” I shake my head “…this isn’t easy.”
Sam nods.
“Brie was doing drugs. She was too thin. Her life was coming apart, and we made these big plans to be together. I wanted to get her help,” I explain, and I try to hold back tears because remembering Brie isn’t easy. “Her parents were going through a rough divorce and her mom thought it was best for her to go to Europe instead of bring her back to California. She would take Brie on these amazing trips, but all Brie wanted was a home. That Christmas her mother took her to France,” I say and look over to Sam. I’ve never voiced my next words out loud before. I don’t know if I’m capable. Sam is patient with me. She takes my hand in hers. “Brie got sick on the trip. Her mom realized she was anorexic and admitted her to a topnotch hospital in Germany. When school let out for Christmas, I went to go see her. She was thin, sickly. Anorexia is a mental state. It’s not really about the food or weight,” I explain because as a teen I didn’t really get it until later when I read up on it.
“Brie wasn’t well. She was frail. I spent that Christmas in Germany with Brie’s mom, hoping she would get better. Between the drugs she had done and starving her body, she was weak. Too weak,” I say, and when I look at Sam, she has tears in her eyes. My own eyes swell. “She died over Christmas break of cardiac arrest. She never made it back to school.”
The moment the last words leave my mouth, Sam moves. Her arms wrap around my neck, and she holds me like her life depends on it. A part of me wishes I could tell Brie that I found my home with Sam.
I pull my face away so that I can look her in the eyes. “I’m falling in love with you.” I swallow hard. “No.” I pause and shake my head. “I already fell. I am so fucking in love with you it makes my head spin, but I feel like I take two steps forward and you take three steps back.”
“I’m so sorry.” She says and she’s crying. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know that wasn’t easy.”
“It wasn’t.”
She pulls away her hands coming up to hold her head. “I know I’ve been giving you mixed signals.” She blows out a breath and blinks away tears. “I wanted the whole thing with Ethan to be this big secret. Something no one talked about. And it’s crazy.” She laughs. “The whole town knows my story, and no one speaks of it. There is this silent respect. They understood I needed to bury that part of my life. It was a forbidden topic, and when Blake stormed in here Christmas Eve, he broke that oath. When his eyes landed on Ethan, I couldn’t breathe. I was sad and angry. It’s crazy, I know. Blake and I would have never worked out, even if he had stepped up to plate back then. I know this because of the feelings I have for you. The first time I saw you p
assed out in your car, I was drawn to you. I can’t explain it, but it was like you were this lost soul, and I felt just as lost as you. We started talking and hanging out and things just felt right. You got under my skin in a way that no other man has,” she says, looking deep into my eyes. “Trust me, I’ve tried to convince myself that we were all wrong for each other. Everything from our age to our financial backgrounds was so wrong, but when it’s just us and we talk or kiss or …” Her voice trails off and she giggles. “It’s just so right.”
I press a kiss to her lips.
“I love you, Al Walsh,” she says with her lips pressed to mine.
“I love you too, Samantha Belmont. What I had with Brie was a young love. We were kids. We had similar backgrounds, and I wanted to help her, protect her. With you I feel at home, at peace.” I answer, and she climbs into my lap like she knows it’s where I wanted her. “You asked me the other night why I never settled down and the answer is because I hadn’t met you yet.”
“You’re a real sweet talker,” she chides.
I chuckle. “I don’t mean to be.”
“Does that mean the no sex policy has ended?” she whispers.
“Absolutely not. You have your doctor’s appointment tomorrow. If he gives us the okay, then the no sex policy ends, but if he doesn’t … we wait,” I answer and she pouts. I throw my head back laughing.
“What are you going to do about your political aspirations?” she asks. Before I can answer, she says, “I’d follow you too, Al. I need to get my life in order. There are a few things I need to work through, but I’d follow you blind.” She presses another soft kiss to my lips.
Mr. So Wrong Page 21
