Reality Wedding

by Laura Heffernan

  When we got there, Joshua, Logan, and some guy I’d never seen before waited. He was cute, but I didn’t know who he was or why he was there. A friend of Joshua? Birdie’s eBay date? I approached him and held out one hand. “Hi, I’m Jen.”

  Logan intervened before he could respond. “This is Koji. He joined the wedding party a couple of hours ago.”

  I blinked rapidly in response. “He… What? Why? How?”

  “The producers got an email that Aaron wasn’t going to make it. Justin told you?”

  “Yeah. I got the message like five minutes ago.”

  “Well, lucky for you, we got the message right after lunch. We had time to get Koji here as a stand-in.”

  The list of men who would be more welcome in my wedding party than a total stranger would almost stretch to the end of the sweeping driveway. Struggling to remain calm, I pasted a smile on my face. “And no one I’ve met was available? What about Abram?”

  “Abe’s not coming to the wedding, I’m afraid. He and his family moved to South America to work for Habitat for Humanity.”

  Darn. Not only would I miss Abram, but not knowing that made me feel like a crappy friend. Nevertheless, I persisted. “What about one of the Fish who already lives in LA? Raj? Mike?”

  “Mike doesn’t want anything to do with the show after the way he left. Raj got a nose job yesterday, of all the dumb ideas. He’ll be at the ceremony, but with a swollen face and two black eyes, he can’t do the wedding party. Sorry, but Koji is filling in.”

  The Network would not get a reaction out of me. Inwardly I sighed, but outwardly I forced the corners of my mouth upward and extended one hand. After all, it wasn’t Koji’s fault the Network sucked. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You, too.” My new groomsman grinned, flashing even, white teeth that made me wonder if he and Logan met at the dentist. Koji stood a few inches taller than me, with jet-black hair and friendly brown eyes. He’d look good in a tux. That was literally all I knew about him, other than his name. It would have to be enough. This wasn’t my wedding. Not anymore. I didn’t even have someone to marry.

  On either side of the pool, a long table had been set up. Vases, flowers, potting soil, beads, glitter, and all kinds of other stuff littered the tables. At the front of the pool, three square tables sat side by side, one with a pink tablecloth, one white, one blue. Logan stood between two of the smaller tables holding a microphone.

  “We’re all having fun getting ready for Jen & Justin’s Big Day,” he said. “But let’s not forget, we’re first and foremost a reality show. And not any show: our happy couple started their relationship at this house, while filming The Fishbowl.”

  It didn’t seem worth mentioning that Justin and I actually met at the audition. When I found out we’d both been cast, I’d been secretly thrilled to see him again.

  “The Fishbowl was all about puzzles and challenges,” Logan said. “So what could be better than putting the two together in a series of wedding-based challenges?”

  For the first time since arriving in the house, I started to get excited about the show. The challenges were my favorite part of The Fishbowl, and I’d had no idea the producers planned to bring them back for this series. My ears perked up at the thought of having something to focus on and a way to burn off some nervous energy.

  Beside me, Birdie looked at her stomach, then back at the tables. “Please tell me this isn’t a physical challenge.”

  “No, Birdie, you’re in luck.” Logan laughed. “No physical challenges at all, unless we have to do some kind of Duck, Duck, Goose to find a stand-in for Justin.”

  My stomach twisted at the thought. My husband had plenty of time to show up, so it was a bit soon for stand-in jokes. Still, walking down the aisle to greet no one would be humiliating if he couldn’t get a flight. What if the Network twisted everything so it looked like he jilted me? All it would take is a blond actor with a similar build putting on a tux and racing down the driveway, away from the house.

  Dozens of cake samples churned in my belly, and I wondered how the show would spin it if I blew chunks on the deck. Talky Ted would have a field day.

  Deep breaths. It didn’t matter. None of this mattered. Justin and I were already legally bound. Nothing about this week changed our relationship. We couldn’t control the weather. It wasn’t my husband’s fault he was later than expected.

  “One of the most important things about a wedding is the decor,” Logan said, speaking to the cameras. “I wanted to do this with all of the attendants and Justin, but unfortunately, the weather rained on our parade. Instead of Bride and Groom versus the Attendants, Jen, you’ll be paired with Ed. The bridesmaids will form a second team, and Joshua and Koji will be the third.”

  “What does the winner get?” On The Fishbowl, challenge winners earned immunity from elimination, but as far as I knew, we weren’t about to start voting people out of my wedding. That could get interesting, but wasn’t the way I wanted to start my marriage.

  “Members of the winning team will have an edible gift basket delivered to their homes after the show wraps up, courtesy of our sponsors.”

  At Logan’s beckoning, Rachel and Birdie joined him at the front of the pool. They stood behind the table with the pink cloth, while Ed and I moved to a second table, covered by a white cloth. Joshua and Koji waited behind the last table.

  Logan said, “Koji, Birdie, Jen, you’ll be given a picture of what the final centerpiece is supposed to look like. The three of you will be giving directions to your teammates, explaining how to put the centerpieces together. I’m going to walk away so I can’t see.

  “After five minutes, you’ll each place your centerpiece on this table to my left, in random order. Then I’ll review your work. The winner will be the team that comes closest to matching the centerpiece in the picture.”

  “I’m watching you,” Birdie muttered to Joshua. “Cheater.”

  “Get over it, chickadee. I was playing a role. The new me isn’t a cheater. Right?” He winked at Rachel, who blushed. I tried not to vom into the pool.

  “Is everybody ready?” Logan asked, ignoring the tension. “Okay, then, directors, take these stools. Here are your pictures. You get sixty seconds to study it.”

  Obediently, I took the photograph they gave me and sat on a white stool on the other side of the pool. We each got a Bluetooth to speak into. Ed, Rachel, and Joshua got headsets with an earmuff on one end. Those of us giving instructions could hear each other, but the other three would only hear their teammate.

  Whether this centerpiece would actually grace the tables at the wedding, I had no idea. But I didn’t hate it, which put it miles ahead of most of the wedding arrangements. White and blue flowers formed a base, supporting two glass (plastic?) columns, which led to a larger arrangement of more white and blue flowers. Curly ribbon or something filled the columns. A few flowers floated down from the arrangement, attached by strings.

  It looked lovely. It also looked like the Network had given us an impossible task. After staring at the thing for a full forty-five seconds, I didn’t have the first clue how to tell someone to make it. Hopefully, they had a real florist on standby. The pictures were gorgeous, but I couldn’t imagine anything created during this challenge coming close.

  It didn’t matter. I should’ve documented this entire experience on Instagram with #MyTackyAssWedding. I might as well enjoy the challenge.

  Five minutes flies by when you’re trying to walk someone through creating a flower arrangement. Maybe I could’ve figured this out if given the picture and a list of supplies, but describing it to Ed—when I couldn’t even see what he had available to work with—resulted in him asking if I wanted him to attach the blue thingamabob to the white whirlygig or the green whatsit.

  We weren’t going to win, but at least he had me laughing until tears flowed down my cheeks.

 
When Logan called time, we went to see the finished products. Three white cardboard screens stood on a short rectangular table, blocking the finished arrangements from view.

  “Before we judge the final project, Jen, what did you think of the picture?” Logan asked.

  “I love the centerpieces.” He made a “go on” gesture with one hand, so I embellished. “They’re absolutely breathtaking, Logan! The guests will be blown away. I can’t wait to see how my friends have done recreating these masterpieces!”

  Behind Logan, Birdie rolled her eyes. Joshua made a gagging motion. Rachel stared at the ground, lips twitching. Okay, maybe I laid it on a little too thick. Whatevs.

  “Glad you like them,” Logan said. “Now, let’s take a look. First up, centerpiece number one.”

  The first centerpiece looked like a jellyfish. It had the blue and white flowers, same as the original, but that was about it. It didn’t have a base, or the columns. Tendrils of what looked like ivy trailed away from the center mass of flowers.

  “If I walk closer, will it sting me?” Logan asked.

  No one answered, but Joshua hid a snicker behind one hand.

  Logan removed the cover from centerpiece number two, which looked much better. Whoever created it managed to do two tiers of flowers, in peach and purple. Beads filled the glass columns.

  When he removed the third cover, several people chuckled. I stole a glance at Ed, whose lips twitched. The “centerpiece” contained no vase. It also contained no flowers. Instead, someone had written out “Jen and Justin 4-Eva” in glass beads on a turquoise plate. It didn’t take me long to guess exactly who that someone was. Ed had many talents, but he wasn’t exactly renowned for his arts-and-crafts abilities.

  Logan stepped closer, running one hand over the beads. “It appears one team wasn’t entirely clear on what the challenge was about. Half a point for creativity, I suppose.”

  Rachel clapped enthusiastically and whooped. I nudged her with my elbow.

  “What?” she whispered. “At least I know I’m not going to come in last.”

  Logan walked up and down in front of the table, examining each “arrangement” in turn. He tapped one finger against his lips, pretending to be torn. “I don’t know, guys. The first one doesn’t say ‘wedding centerpiece’ to me so much as ‘fun day at the aquarium’.”

  Joshua snorted. No one else moved or spoke.

  “The second one,” Logan said, “looks lovely, but the color of the flowers is all wrong. The original centerpiece is blue and white, but this is peach and purple. It’s not even close. I’m not even going to dignify entry three with a response. You guys could have made some effort to create a centerpiece.”

  “All three of us were giving directions,” I told him. “It’s not our fault someone didn’t listen.”

  “Maybe not, but that person also doesn’t get a win,” he said. “Okay, I’ve made my decision.”

  On the other side of the table, Ed’s eyes twinkled with laughter. The two of us wouldn’t be enjoying a basket of fruit shaped like flowers when the show ended. I did appreciate the sentiment of centerpiece three, though. I blew him a kiss, and he winked at me.

  “Centerpiece two is the most well-constructed, which isn’t saying much. Unfortunately, the flowers are incorrect. It’s got some structural issues, but the flowers are the right color, and I do love jellyfish, so the winner is—centerpiece one.”

  Joshua and Koji whooped, and for a moment, I wished the “prize” for winning this challenge had been elimination. Ah, well. At least there was no immunity or right to give a speech at the reception attached. Not that it wouldn’t be amusing to listen to someone neither Justin nor I knew wax poetic about our relationship in front of the cameras.

  Joshua said, “Really, Birdie? What’s up with the peach and purple flowers? I know you’re a ginger, but I thought you at least had some grasp of the color wheel. They teach it in kindergarten.”

  Birdie turned bright red. Before she could respond, Rachel stepped forward. “That was my fault. I dropped the white roses in the pool and had to sub something in at the last minute. By the time I got everything else all set up, there was no time to sort through for the blue flowers. I did the best I could.”

  “At least you tried,” I said. “Not like my teammate.”

  Ed shrugged. “Whatever. It’s not like the loser of these challenges gets eliminated.”

  “Removing someone from the house wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” I said, eyes on the other two groomsmen. Koji seemed okay, although he hadn’t really talked to me. Too bad neither of those things could be said for Joshua.

  “Too bad we WON, loser! You couldn’t eliminate us, anyway,” Joshua said.

  “Too bad I’m supposed to celebrate winning with this tool,” Koji said. “Takes the sweetness out of our victory.”

  Ed sidled closer to me, speaking out the side of his mouth. “Too bad you can’t swap J-dawg for Justin and get your groom here on your wedding day.”

  I sighed. “Too bad, indeed.”

  “Whatevs,” Joshua said. “You wouldn’t swap me for Justin. Until your precious groom gets here, there’s no one to mind when that rich dude drools all over you.”

  Logan froze where he stood putting away the “centerpieces.” Then he turned and strode into the house, pretending he hadn’t heard anything. My face grew warm as I watched him walk away. How embarrassing. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Rachel lowered her voice and stepped toward me. “Actually, we’ve all kind of noticed the way Logan flirts with you.”

  “Even I see it,” Koji said. “And I just met him.”

  “Oh, yeah. He’s totally into you,” Birdie said. “#Unrequited.”

  In shock, I looked from one friend to the next. “You can’t be serious. This is the guy who’s slept with more people than I went to high school with. He’s doing it to create drama.”

  “Even players have feelings,” Joshua said.

  Ed cleared his throat. I glared at him. “Oh, no. Don’t tell me you’re on their side, too.”

  “All I was going to say is, sometimes players sleep around because they haven’t found anyone to care about.”

  I couldn’t believe this ambush. It had to be a trick for the cameras. Without getting too upset, I needed to set the record straight. “You guys, there’s no way. Logan and I are friends. And apparently, he’s one of the only people in this house on my side.”

  They stared, openmouthed, as I turned to follow Logan into the house.

  Chapter 11

  Confessions from the Chapel, Tuesday evening:

  Logan: There’s something different about Jen. In LA, everyone’s a phony. But she’s so real. I like that about her. And she’s drawn to me, too. I can feel it.

  Rachel: Jen would never cheat on Justin. Not even with someone as hot and delectable as Logan Cassidy. He makes me wish I hadn’t brought Joshua.

  Koji: This is the weirdest wedding ever, bro. First, there’s no groom. Second, I’m in the wedding party, and I don’t think the bride knows my name. Third, the wedding planner creeps me out. A couple of years ago, he was in these commercials for a cologne that had pheromones in it. Supposed to make the wearer literally irresistible. I don’t think they aired in the States, but I saw them all over Japan when visiting my obaachan. What’s that guy doing flirting with the bride?

  Jen: I don’t believe for a second Logan has feelings for me. He’s friendly with everyone. Right?

  Dominic Rossellini to Jen Reid:

  Hey, Jen, I know you didn’t want me to have to go through the pain of watching you marry someone else. But I heard Justin’s stranded in Florida and can’t make it to the wedding. I’d be happy to drive down if you need another groom. You know we could make things work.

  Dominic Rossellini to Jen Reid:

  Jen???????

 
Jen Reid to DO NOT PICK UP:

  Yes, Dominic, that sounds splendid. There’s nothing I’d like more than to marry the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, lied to me, conspired with the Network against me, and had all of America thinking I’m a home-wrecker. Are you high?

  Dominic Rossellini to Jen Reid:

  I’ll give you half of whatever the Network offers me.

  Jen Reid to DO NOT PICK UP:

  Never text me again. If I see you in Los Angeles, I’m calling the police.

  Wednesday morning, the producers announced another surprise: as a gift, Patrick had arranged for the wedding party to visit a local escape room. Everyone piled into a bus while Logan stood at the front and explained what was going to happen.

  We’d be locked in a room with an actor dressed as a zombie, chained to an armoire. Every five minutes, a few inches of chain would release. We would navigate around the zombie and solve puzzles to escape the room, and we only had an hour. Anyone the zombie touched or tapped “died” and had to wait in the corner. People in the corner could help those still “alive” by talking through puzzles, but they couldn’t touch anything or interfere with the zombie.

  My pulse quickened as Logan explained. Justin and I loved escape rooms. We’d even been talking about honeymooning in Boston to try out this amazing questing warehouse we’d heard about. That place was like an escape room on steroids. Too bad Justin couldn’t be here to do the challenge. Not only was he excellent at solving puzzles, but we worked well together. Much better than I’d work with, say, Joshua. Or Koji, who I’d exchanged approximately eleven words with since he arrived. Nothing personal, but I had no way of knowing he wasn’t a Network spy. Still, eight heads were better than two, and putting the entire wedding party together seemed like a great way to help us bond.