The Specialty of the House

by Stanley Ellin

  ‘Watch out!’ he cried out wildly. ‘My God, what are you doing!’

  In that last split second, when her foot went down hard on the accelerator, he knew.

  The Blessington Method

  Mr Treadwell was a small, likeable man who worked for a prosperous company in New York City, and whose position with the company entitled him to an office of his own. Late one afternoon of a fine day in June a visitor entered this office. The visitor was stout, well-dressed, and imposing. His complexion was smooth and pink, his small, nearsighted eyes shone cheerfully behind heavy horn-rimmed eyeglasses.

  ‘My name,’ he said, after laying aside a bulky portfolio and shaking Mr Treadwell’s hand with a crushing grip, ‘is Bunce, and I am a representative of the Society for Gerontology. I am here to help you with your problem, Mr Treadwell.’

  Mr Treadwell sighed. ‘Since you are a total stranger to me, my friend,’ he said, ‘and since I have never heard of the outfit you claim to represent, and, above all, since I have no problem which could possibly concern you, I am sorry to say that I am not in the market for whatever you are peddling. Now, if you don’t mind—’

  ‘Mind?’ said Bunce. ‘Of course, I mind. The Society for Gerontology does not try to sell anything to anybody, Mr Treadwell. Its interests are purely philanthropic. It examines case histories, draws up reports, works toward the solution of one of the most tragic situations we face in modern society.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘That should have been made obvious by the tide of the organization, Mr Treadwell. Gerontology is the study of old age and the problems concerning it. Do not confuse it with geriatrics, please. Geriatrics is concerned with the diseases of old age. Gerontology deals with old age as the problem itself.’

  ‘I’ll try to keep that in mind,’ Mr Treadwell said impatiently. ‘Meanwhile, I suppose, a small donation is in order? Five dollars, say?’

  ‘No, no, Mr Treadwell, not a penny, not a red cent. I quite understand that this is the traditional way of dealing with various philanthropic organizations, but the Society for Gerontology works in a different way entirely. Our objective is to help you with your problem first. Only then would we feel we have the right to make any claim on you.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Mr Treadwell more amiably. ‘That leaves us all even. I have no problem, so you get no donation. Unless you’d rather reconsider?’

  ‘Reconsider?’ said Bunce in a pained voice. ‘It is you, Mr Treadwell, and not I who must reconsider. Some of the most pitiful cases the Society deals with are those of people who have long refused to recognize or admit their problem. I have worked months on your case, Mr Treadwell. I never dreamed you would fall in that category.’

  Mr Treadwell took a deep breath. ‘Would you mind telling me just what you mean by that nonsense about working on my case? I was never a case for any damned society or organization in the book!’

  It was the work of a moment for Bunce to whip open his portfolio and extract several sheets of paper from it.

  ‘If you will bear with me,’ he said, ‘I should like to sum up the gist of these reports. You are forty-seven years old and in excellent health. You own a home in East Sconsett, Long Island, on which there are nine years of mortgage payments still due, and you also own a late-model car on which eighteen monthly payments are yet to be made. However, due to an excellent salary you are in prosperous circumstances. Am I correct?’

  ‘As correct as the credit agency which gave you that report,’ said Mr Treadwell.

  Bunce chose to overlook this. ‘We will now come to the point. You have been happily married for twenty-three years, and have one daughter who was married last year and now lives with her husband in Chicago. Upon her departure from your home your father-in-law, a widower and somewhat crotchety gentleman, moved into the house and now resides with you and your wife.’

  Bunce’s voice dropped to a low, impressive note. ‘He’s seventy-two years old, and, outside of a touch of bursitis in his right shoulder, admits to exceptional health for his age. He has stated on several occasions that he hopes to live another twenty years, and according to actuarial statistics which my Society has on file he has every chance of achieving this. Now do you understand, Mr Treadwell?’

  It took a long time for the answer to come. ‘Yes,’ said Mr Treadwell at last, almost in a whisper. ‘Now I understand.’

  ‘Good,’ said Bunce sympathetically. ‘Very good. The first step is always a hard one – the admission that there is a problem hovering over you, clouding every day that passes. Nor is there any need to ask why you make efforts to conceal it even from yourself. You wish to spare Mrs Treadwell your unhappiness, don’t you?’

  Mr Treadwell nodded.

  ‘Would it make you feel better,’ asked Bunce, ‘if I told you that Mrs Treadwell shared your own feelings? That she, too, feels her father’s presence in her home as a burden which grows heavier each day?’

  ‘But she can’t!’ said Mr Treadwell in dismay. ‘She was the one who wanted him to live with us in the first place, after Sylvia got married, and we had a spare room. She pointed out how much he had done for us when we first got started, and how easy he was to get along with, and how little expense it would be – it was she who sold me on the idea. I can’t believe she didn’t mean it!’

  ‘Of course, she meant it. She knew all the traditional emotions at the thought of her old father living alone somewhere, and offered all the traditional arguments on his behalf, and was sincere every moment. The trap she led you both into was the pitfall that awaits anyone who indulges in murky, sentimental thinking. Yes, indeed, I’m sometimes inclined to believe that Eve ate the apple just to make the serpent happy,’ said Bunce, and shook his head grimly at the thought.

  ‘Poor Carol,’ groaned Mr Treadwell. ‘If I had only known that she felt as miserable about this as I did—’

  ‘Yes?’ said Bunce. ‘What would you have done?’

  Mr Treadwell frowned. ‘I don’t know. But there must have been something we could have figured out if we put our heads together.’

  ‘What?’ Bunce asked. ‘Drive the man out of the house?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t mean exactly like that.’

  ‘What then?’ persisted Bunce. ‘Send him to an institution? There are some extremely luxurious institutions for the purpose. You’d have to consider one of them, since he could not possibly be regarded as a charity case; nor, for that matter, could I imagine him taking kindly to the idea of going to a public institution.’

  ‘Who would?’ said Mr Treadwell. ‘And as for the expensive kind, well, I did look into the idea once, but when I found out what they’d cost I knew it was out. It would take a fortune.’

  ‘Perhaps,’ suggested Bunce, ‘he could be given an apartment of his own – a small, inexpensive place with someone to take care of him.’

  ‘As it happens, that’s what he moved out of to come live with us. And on that business of someone taking care of him – you’d never believe what it costs. That is, even allowing we could find someone to suit him.’

  ‘Right!’ Bunce said, and struck the desk sharply with his fist. ‘Right in every respect, Mr Treadwell.’

  Mr Treadwell looked at him angrily. ‘What do you mean – right? I had the idea you wanted to help me with this business, but you haven’t come up with a thing yet. On top of that you make it sound as if we’re making great progress.’

  ‘We are, Mr Treadwell, we are. Although you weren’t aware of it we have just completed the second step to your solution. The first step was the admission that there was a problem; the second step was the realization that no matter which way you turn there seems to be no logical or practical solution to the problem. In this way you are not only witnessing, you are actually participating in, the marvelous operation of The Blessington Method which, in the end, places the one possible solution squarely in your hands.’

  ‘The Blessington Method?’

  ‘Forgive me,’ said Bunce. ‘In my enthusiasm I used a
term not yet in scientific vogue. I must explain, therefore, that The Blessington Method is the term my co-workers at the Society for Gerontology have given to its course of procedure. It is so titled in honor of J. G. Blessington, the Society’s founder, and one of the great men of our era. He has not achieved his proper acclaim yet, but he will. Mark my words, Mr Treadwell, someday his name will resound louder than that of Malthus.’

  ‘Funny I never heard of him,’ reflected Mr Treadwell. ‘Usually I keep up with the newspapers. And another thing,’ he added, eyeing Bunce narrowly, ‘we never did get around to clearing up just how you happened to list me as one of your cases, and how you managed to turn up so much about me.’

  Bunce laughed delightedly. ‘It does sound mysterious when you put it like that, doesn’t it? Well, there’s really no mystery to it at all. You see, Mr Treadwell, the Society has hundreds of investigators scouting this great land of ours from coast to coast, although the public at large is not aware of this. It is against the rules of the Society for any employee to reveal that he is a professional investigator – he would immediately lose effectiveness.

  ‘Nor do these investigators start off with some specific person as their subject. Their interest lies in any aged person who is willing to talk about himself, and you would be astonished at how garrulous most aged people are about their most intimate affairs. That is, of course, as long as they are among strangers.

  ‘These subjects are met at random on park benches, in saloons, in libraries – in any place conducive to comfort and conversation. The investigator befriends the subjects, draws them out – seeks, especially, to learn all he can about the younger people on whom they are dependent.’

  ‘You mean,’ said Mr Treadwell with growing interest, ‘the people who support them.’

  ‘No, no,’ said Bunce. ‘You are making the common error of equating dependence and finances. In many cases, of course, there is a financial dependence, but that is a minor part of the picture. The important factor is that there is always an emotional dependence. Even where a physical distance may separate the older person from the younger, that emotional dependence is always present. It is like a current passing between them. The younger person by the mere realization that the aged exist is burdened by guilt and anger. It was his personal experience with this tragic dilemma of our times that led J. G. Blessington to his great work.’

  ‘In other words,’ said Mr Treadwell, ‘you mean that even if the old man were not living with us, things would be just as bad for Carol and me?’

  ‘You seem to doubt that, Mr Treadwell. But tell me, what makes things bad for you now, to use your own phrase?’

  Mr Treadwell thought this over. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I suppose it’s just a case of having a third person around all the time. It gets on your nerves after a while.’

  ‘But your daughter lived as a third person in your home for over twenty years,’ pointed out Bunce. ‘Yet, I am sure you didn’t have the same reaction to her.’

  ‘But that’s different,’ Mr Treadwell protested. ‘You can have fun with a kid, play with her, watch her growing up—’

  ‘Stop right there!’ said Bunce. ‘Now you are hitting the mark. All the years your daughter lived with you you could take pleasure in watching her grow, flower like an exciting plant, take form as an adult being. But the old man in your house can only wither and decline now, and watching that process casts a shadow on your life. Isn’t that the case?’

  ‘I suppose it is.’

  ‘In that case, do you suppose it would make any difference if he lived elsewhere? Would you be any the less aware that he was withering and declining and looking wistfully in your direction from a distance?’

  ‘Of course not. Carol probably wouldn’t sleep half the night worrying about him, and I’d have him on my mind all the time because of her. That’s perfectly natural, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is, indeed, and, I am pleased to say, your recognition of that completes the third step of The Blessington Method. You now realize that it is not the presence of the aged subject which creates the problem, but his existence.’

  Mr Treadwell pursed his lips thoughtfully. ‘I don’t like the sound of that.’

  ‘Why not? It merely states the fact, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Maybe it does. But there’s something about it that leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It’s like saying the only way Carol and I can have our troubles settled is by the old man’s dying.’

  ‘Yes,’ Bunce said gravely, ‘it is like saying that.’

  ‘Well, I don’t like it – not one bit. Thinking you’d like to see somebody dead can make you feel pretty mean, and as far as I know it’s never killed anybody yet.’

  Bunce smiled. ‘Hasn’t it?’ he said gently.

  He and Mr Treadwell studied each other in silence. Then Mr Treadwell pulled a handkerchief from his pocket with nerveless fingers and patted his forehead with it.

  ‘You,’ he said with deliberation, ‘are either a lunatic or a practical joker. Either way, I’d like you to clear out of here. That’s fair warning.’

  Bunce’s face was all sympathetic concern. ‘Mr Treadwell,’ he cried, ‘don’t you realize you were on the verge of the fourth step? Don’t you see how close you were to your solution?’

  Mr Treadwell pointed to the door. ‘Out – before I call the police.’

  The expression on Bunce’s face changed from concern to disgust. ‘Oh, come, Mr Treadwell, you don’t believe anybody would pay attention to whatever garbled and incredible story you’d concoct out of this. Please think it over carefully before you do anything rash, now or later. If the exact nature of our talk were even mentioned, you would be the only one to suffer, believe me. Meanwhile, I’ll leave you my card. Anytime you wish to call on me I will be ready to serve you.’

  ‘And why should I ever want to call on you?’ demanded the white-faced Mr Treadwell.

  ‘There are various reasons,’ said Bunce, ‘but one above all.’ He gathered his belongings and moved to the door. ‘Consider, Mr Treadwell: anyone who has mounted the first three steps of The Blessington Method inevitably mounts the fourth. You have made remarkable progress in a short time, Mr Treadwell – you should be calling soon.’

  ‘I’ll see you in hell first,’ said Mr Treadwell.

  Despite this parting shot, the time that followed was a bad one for Mr Treadwell. The trouble was that having been introduced to The Blessington Method he couldn’t seem to get it out of his mind. It incited thoughts that he had to keep thrusting away with an effort, and it certainly colored his relationship with his father-in-law in an unpleasant way.

  Never before had the old man seemed so obtrusive, so much in the way, and so capable of always doing or saying the thing most calculated to stir annoyance. It especially outraged Mr Treadwell to think of this intruder in his home babbling his private affairs to perfect strangers, eagerly spilling out details of his family life to paid investigators who were only out to make trouble. And, to Mr Treadwell in his heated state of mind, the fact that the investigators could not be identified as such did not serve as any excuse.

  Within a very few days Mr Treadwell, who prided himself on being a sane and level-headed businessman, had to admit he was in a bad way. He began to see evidences of a fantastic conspiracy on every hand. He could visualize hundreds – no, thousands – of Bunces swarming into offices just like his all over the country. He could feel cold sweat starting on his forehead at the thought.

  But, he told himself, the whole thing was too fantastic. He could prove this to himself by merely reviewing his discussion with Bunce, and so he did, dozens of times. After all, it was no more than an objective look at a social problem. Had anything been said that a really intelligent man should shy away from? Not at all. If he had drawn some shocking inferences, it was because the ideas were already in his mind looking for an outlet.

  On the other hand—

  It was with a vast relief that Mr Treadwell finally decided to pay a visit to the So
ciety for Gerontology. He knew what he would find there: a dingy room or two, a couple of underpaid clerical workers, the musty odor of a piddling charity operation – all of which would restore matters to their proper perspective again. He went so strongly imbued with this picture that he almost walked past the gigantic glass and aluminum tower which was the address of the Society, rode its softly humming elevator in confusion, and emerged in the anteroom of the Main Office in a daze.

  And it was still in a daze that he was ushered through a vast and seemingly endless labyrinth of rooms by a sleek, long-legged young woman, no less sleek and long-legged multitudes of brisk, square-shouldered young men, rows of streamlined machinery clicking and chuckling in electronic glee, mountains of stainless-steel card indexes, and, over all, the bland reflection of modern indirect lighting on plastic and metal – until finally he was led into the presence of Bunce himself, and the door closed behind him.

  ‘Impressive, isn’t it?’ said Bunce, obviously relishing the sight of Mr Treadwell’s stupefaction.

  ‘Impressive?’ croaked Mr Treadwell hoarsely. ‘Why, I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s a ten-million-dollar outfit!’

  ‘And why not? Science is working day and night like some Frankenstein, Mr Treadwell, to increase longevity past all sane limits. There are fourteen million people over sixty-five in this country right now. In twenty years their number will be increased to twenty-one million. Beyond that no one can even estimate what the figures will rise to!

  ‘But the one bright note is that each of these aged people is surrounded by many young donors or potential donors to our Society. As the tide rises higher, we, too, flourish and go stronger to withstand it.’

  Mr Treadwell felt a chill of horror penetrate him. ‘Then it’s true, isn’t it?’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘This Blessington Method you’re always talking about,’ said Mr Treadwell wildly. ‘The whole idea is just to settle things by getting rid of old people!’