Jack of Spades_A Bad Boy Biker Romance

by Rana Raynes

  Amber and Aunt Mabel are chatting cheerfully on their way up. On any other day I would be happy about that, it's great that they get on so well with each other, but today I would wish them to be miles apart. I don't want these parts of my life to mingle. Not today. I should have told Mabel not to let anyone see me but I didn't expect anyone to come and see me. And now it's too late. Footsteps are coming up the stairs and a moment later Amber appears in the door. Before I realize what she's about to do she has pulled me into an embrace.

  “Tell me what happened,” she says and somehow that simple request unlocks the neat mental safe in which I crammed my feelings earlier and they come pouring out, a flood of emotions. Amber holds me while I cry.

  “I know how you feel,” she says. “I've been there too.”

  It never really occurred to me she might have gone through a similar experience. Amber always seems so cool and on top of things. But she did share a bit of her history with Leon during our shifts together, and well, it made Jay look like an altar boy at the time. Now not so much anymore.

  “I didn't think he'd be capable of such a thing,” I sob against her shoulder and Amber grows very, very still.

  “What did he do?” she asks then, gently stroking my back.

  “That guy, the guy Jay punched, he got shot at Johnny's.”

  There is a second pause, then Amber says: “And you think it was Jay who did it?”

  “I don't know what to think,” I choke out between sobs, but Amber isn't stupid. Of course she understands that this is just an affirmation in disguise.

  “Oh darling, no wonder you're so distraught. But look, he wasn't even at Johnny's that night. He was at the police station, bailing out Crystal.”

  “What?” I sniffle and she hands me a tissue.

  “He has a waterproof alibi. He wasn't there.”

  I give another dry sob. “He wasn't?”

  “No, silly, he wasn't.” Amber closes her arms around me.

  I'm almost inclined to continue crying. This time about my own stupidity.

  “Listen, darling,” Amber says. “I understand what you're going through, believe me. I was in the exact same situation with Leon. I just couldn't see myself with a guy I permanently suspected of criminal activities. Whatever he told me, whatever he did, he couldn't convince me everything was all right. I never got over my general mistrust. The problem was, that I never got over Leon either. Perhaps because I had never given him a real chance. Sometimes you have to take a risk to be happy.”

  I blow my nose. “But maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship yet.”

  “I can't help you decide that,” Amber says. “All I can do is share my own experiences and assure you that Jay is a nice guy.”

  I realized I'm still riddled with doubts. The disappointment about Mike is too deep-seated. I remember I could hardly look at myself in the mirror in the first weeks after we broke up because the woman staring back at me seemed completely unfamiliar. I didn't recognize her, that stranger who wasted years on a fantasy that turned out an illusion. It was such a strong feeling of self-estrangement I had a hard time connecting with myself. It took a while and a lot of work and reassessment until I felt at ease with myself again. When you're with someone you're never just yourself, you're part of something that influences you, that makes you feel whole, and once that is gone you are hurt and confused. And even though I felt mostly relieved there was still a lot to process. I can't take that risk now, not again.

  “It's not just that I don't trust Jay,” I say. “I don't trust myself either.”

  Amber nods. “Yes, I know that feeling too. But I don't know what the alternative would be. You can't solve these problems through contemplation. And believe me I tried. I went through all possible scenarios, and I came to the conclusion it was safer not to try my luck but guess what – it didn't make me happy.”

  Maybe she's right?

  “You do love, Jay, don't you?” Amber's gaze is steady but relentless and I can only tell her the truth.

  “I think so, yes.”

  “Then the question you should ask yourself is why you don't give him a chance. At least the chance to explain himself. If you don't have a really good answer for that, you might want to reconsider.”

  I must look as lost for words as I feel because Amber continues on a lighter note: “You should know I'm only saying this so I can keep you as a colleague.”

  The joke makes me laugh a little then she adds: “No but seriously. When Linda told me about your decision to stop working at the Ace, she asked me if I knew the reason. So I said it had most likely to do with something Jay did, and she made me promise to tell you that if he's been a dick you're perfectly entitled to throw him out of the bar when you're working. Just in case this changes your mind about leaving the job.”

  It's a nice gesture of Linda, even if a bit unrealistic. I can hardly ban Jay from the club's favourite hangout. But I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.

  “I'll think about it,” I say. “About everything you said.”

  And I mean it. Perhaps I have to look deeper into the reasons for my emotions. Perhaps so far they were more after-effects of my relationship with Mike rather than legitimate worries about Jay. I wouldn't have been so quick not to trust him if Mike hadn't been on my mind all the time. Even after our break-up he seems to have been the one man I compared every other guy to, as if I had a magical Mike-shaped stencil I put over them to reveal their worst character traits. But everyone is different.

  “You know,” I say, “maybe I'm only afraid I'll end up being dependent on someone who just uses me.”

  Amber rubs my shoulder reassuringly. “Isn't every woman afraid of that? Men seem to have a so much easier time retaining their freedom.”

  “I have dreams. I want to be a lawyer, I want to help people.”

  “I don't think Jay is someone who will weigh you down. Honestly, Kat. It's just not who he is.”

  “And the lifestyle...” My voice trails off.

  “There's no way to find out if it will be a problem for you but to try it out, see if you can make it work. Listen to your guts, they're gonna tell you what to do.”

  I sniffle a bit and uncrumple the tissue in my hand to blow my nose. Perhaps, no, probably Amber is right.

  “And while we're at it,” Amber says. “There's probably a few things you should know about Crystal and why Jay is so hung up about her...”

  Chapter 15

  Jay

  I realize I haven't said a word for the better part of four hours when Leon walks up to the car I'm working on. I'm on my back on a creeper underneath the vehicle so at first I see only his boots. He stands there for almost a minute before he says anything. Maybe he expected me to get the hint he wants something. But I don't wanna talk with him so I don't.

  “I brought you coffee,” he says at last.

  “Thanks. You can put it down on the work bench.”

  “Can you come out for a minute?” To his credit he doesn't sound annoyed. So it will be one of those talks, when he sits me down to have a serious talk like he is my older brother. Which I appreciate in principle but still could do without at the moment.

  Grudgingly I roll out from under the car and sit up, wiping my oil-covered hands on a rug. Leon hands me the coffee cup and leans back against the work bench.

  “So what do you want?” I ask him.

  “Just checking up on you. You've been awfully quiet the last couple of days.”

  I shrug. “Yeah so what?”

  I expect he already knows what has been going on. He must have talked to Amber, Amber must have talked to Kat. It's a short line. It's been 73 hours since I've seen her last and 42 since she told me she doesn't want to see me or even talk to me anymore. I've been feeling raw inside ever since. Now there's little you can do about lovesickness but distract yourself, so that's why I'm working without break, trying not to think. And talking about it would be counterproductive for the non-thinking part so I don't. But Leon is a stu
bborn bastard.

  “There's been a lot of shit going down lately,” he says. “I want to make sure you're okay.”

  “I'm okay,” I say, deadpan.

  Of course Leon doesn't leave it at that. “You know I haven't seen you like this since– remind me, when did you first hook up with Crystal?”

  And he's right, I'm feeling exactly like I felt with Crystal when we got together, a hundred million years ago. First the endorphin high, the incredible euphoria of being in love, then the drop into this black hole of misery. Been there, done that. But I'm getting too old for this shit. If it doesn't work, it's not meant to be, I won't try to force my luck. That never works.

  “It will pass,” I say and drain the last rest from my coffee cup. “Thanks for the coffee.”

  I'm about to roll back under the car, but Leon stops me.

  “Don't you think this thing you and Kat have is worth fighting for?”

  “Man, I barely know her. We don't have a thing. We had some fun together, it didn't work out, shit happens.”

  Leon crosses his arms in front of his chest and raises an eyebrow. “I've seen you having meaningless flings. Trust me, I can tell the difference.”

  “It still doesn't change the fact that it didn't work out. She told me not to contact her again, so that's what I'll do. End of story.”

  Leon heaves a heavy sigh as if to imply I'm stupid on purpose.

  “What do you want me to do then? Disrespect her wishes?” My blood pressure is rising. All my pain is congealing into a hot ragged feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm getting angry. It's better than hurting perhaps, but I still can't allow myself to lose control.

  So instead of getting up and grabbing Leon by the throat I take a deep breath.

  He must be aware how I'm feeling but he is completely unfazed when he gives me his answer. “There are non-verbal ways of communication, I don't know, send her flowers, light some fireworks, present her with a severed dragon head, you will think of something.”

  “And you think that's less stalkery than trying to talk to her?”

  “You're not forcing her to react, are you? You're not making demands. You just express your affection.”

  “It seems like cheating.”

  Leon shrugs. “In love and war...”

  “Did Amber put you up to this?”

  “I don't know why you would even think that.” Leon's grin is undermining the mock outrage in his tone.

  Now it's my part to sigh. “Look, I appreciate your concern but for a relationship to work you need more than just animal attraction. It's not that I don't like her and I think she liked me too but... we're simply not a good match. Too different, you know. She said it herself. Plus she's still hung up about her ex. And with all the trouble going on lately...”

  “I'm not saying it's easy. It's never easy. It's a common misconception to think relationships are a magical journey on pink clouds.”

  “So what it is you're saying?”

  “I'm saying you should give this thing between you two another chance.”

  I squint at him. I've known Leon for quite some time too, this friendship goes both ways and I'm not used to getting this level of confidence in relationships from him. But now that I think of it he looks suspiciously happy and relaxed. “This optimism isn't just a side effect of having rekindled your affair with Amber, is it?”

  Funnily enough I spent years chewing their ears off, trying to convince them to get back together. In my opinion they'd be perfect for each other but they're also both pigheaded, so it's basically a miracle they finally managed to get over their differences.

  “And what if? Wouldn't that be inspirational?” His grin is so smug now my hands itch with the urge to wipe it of his face. But then I'm also happy for him. It's a weird mix of emotions. Possibly another result of my lovesickness. My moods are constantly changing. But if optimistic is the theme of the moment, I also can try and cash in on it, squeeze some information out of Leon for example.

  “Okay, so what's the intel. Surely Amber must have told you something?”

  “You only have to look at Kat and see that she's miserable.”

  “Yeah well, I can't do that, can I? Any more helpful tips, genius?”

  Leon rolls his eyes. “If you let me finish, you'd find out.”

  I wave my hand to prompt him to go on.

  “Amber says she's been in a pretty long relationship with this guy Mike and it ended badly, he cheated on her with a colleague or something so now she's afraid all men are dicks and love is an illusion anyway.”

  So far I'm not surprised, that's pretty much the info I gathered myself, but then Leon goes on and I definitely am surprised about what he has to say:

  “And then it didn't really help that you punched that guy in front of her and it helped even less that that same guy turned up among the severely injured of last weekend's shoot-out and–”

  “Wait, what are you implying? That she thinks I shot that guy for groping her?”

  Leon shrugs non-committally but I'm finally putting two and two together. So that's what's at the bottom of this all – she believes I'm a man who doesn't shy away from shooting a person for a relatively minor offence. But then, thinking about it, it's not only that. She also learned that one of my best friends is a small time drug dealer, not to forget the MC was in the middle of a fucking war, when we met. Probably her suspicion of my involvement in the shooting only tipped the scales. I shouldn't be surprised she thinks I'm scum.

  “So you think that's a good foundation for a reconciliation, or in general for a relationship?” I have no clue how he can suggest Kat and me being together would be a good idea. All evidence points in the exact opposite direction.

  “I would have helped if you had talked to her, you know,” Leon says. “Now that she's got more info on that incident and knows you weren't involved in the shooting she no longer believes you are a criminal. Besides there are no perfect matches, every relationship is a lot of work.” Leon clearly isn't ashamed of this wise-ass comment. “Listen, man,” he continues, “there are no guarantees. It can turn out great or terrible or just mediocre, I can't tell you which. All I can say is how in my experience it's worth a try.”

  “I'm glad it's working out for you and Amber but don't you think it's a bit optimistic to compare what you're having to Kat and me?”

  Leon shrugs. “Sometimes optimism is the key to happiness.”

  “You sound like a fucking fortune cookie.”

  He only laughs good-naturedly, pats me on the shoulder and strolls off, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  I was convinced I had smothered the little flame of hope inside me but Leon's words have fanned it enough for it to flicker up again. So a few hours later I find myself at Maria's flower shop asking for a bouquet that's “not too romantic”.

  Maria, wife of club secretary Carlos, looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

  “Not too romantic?” she echoes. “So what's the exact occasion?”

  “It's meant to be an apology,” I say. “Or a peace offering, I don't know.”

  “But it is for your girlfriend?”

  Last time I was here buying flowers it was for our first date and I was brimming with confidence. It was only a couple of weeks back and yet it feels like a lifetime. Now I'm looking for the right words to describe the situation but I can't without giving a lengthy explanation so I settle for a vague “It's complicated.”

  Maria nods as if she understands perfectly. Probably people come to her with similar problems all the time. “

  So I assume you'd prefer something fresh and bright over subdued colours? Something that symbolizes hope for a second chance?”

  “Yes exactly.”

  “Do you want it delivered or will you take it to her yourself.”

  I don't have to even think about that one. “Delivery would be great, thank you.”

  Again she nods as if she didn't expect anything else. “Why don't you pick out a card from the selection o
ver at the counter and write her a message while I put a nice arrangement together for you?”

  It's easier said than done. The blank paper stares mockingly back at me as I set the pen to it. “Dearest Kat,” I begin, and that's pretty much as far as I get before I pause to think. It takes me an absurdly long time and three attempts to compose a simple message but in the end I'm halfway satisfied with the result at least.

  I feel incredibly relieved when I leave Maria's shop. A quick glance at my phone tells me Kat isn't working today (Amber was so considerate to send me the schedule) so I decide to head over to the Ace for an after work drink.

  Chapter 16

  Kat

  It's amazing how one single decision can change everything: your mood, your lookout on life, your sense of self-perception. After thinking a lot about Amber's words – and having a good long talk with Aunt Mabel – I decided that I have to draw a definite finishing line under my relationship with Mike before I can even consider anything new. If I want to be with Jay I have to no choice but to make a clean sweep first.

  So I called Mike to ask him to meet me for a drink at the Ace. It's neutral enough ground. Not entirely neutral of course, it's familiar, I can count on my safety net, but I can also leave whenever I want to, and that's reassuring. In any case preferable to inviting Mike into my home and having to deal with getting rid of him, if (or rather when) our meeting goes south.

  I have no doubt in my mind that there will be an argument in some form or other. The fact Mike's still here is already a pretty good indication that he thinks we're going to reconcile at one point. Only yesterday he sent me flowers. I don't know how he can have the nerve.

  It makes me a little speechless. But maybe I was leading him on too much the other day.

  I immediately scold myself for even thinking that – I may not have explicitly crushed his hopes but I didn't encourage them either. It was his idea that he would come here and apologize and I would forgive him as if nothing had happened, as if we hadn't broken up months earlier and he didn't bother to win me back or make amends in the meantime. He thought all he had to do was show up and I gladly take him back. Just like that.