Crazy for God

by Frank Schaeffer

  Faith

  What represents faith to me these days? It is my father fighting for truth as he saw it, struggling on and saying he was sorry for his sins. . . . My mother battling her demons, wanting to be someone else, failing but still loving her children, reading to me and doing her best, even though she felt cheated by life. . . . John Sandri forgiving the people at L’Abri who forbade him to teach, and working to keep the mission open when, if he had walked away, he could have shut it down. . . . Gordon Parke striving for long days at Great Walstead and still finding the energy to come out onto the lawn and play a rollicking game of kick-the-can with a hundred eager boys and never letting us down. . . . Genie forgiving me, and her clear-eyed spirituality that is not maudlin or judgmental or pietistic but matter-of-fact and sweet as a long kiss. . . . My children knowing that I know I failed them in so many ways, and yet reaching out to me to reassure me that they are happy. . . . Christmas dinner with my daughter-in-law Becky’s generous family, with her Jewish atheist mother Lauren, and David her lapsed Roman Catholic father, and her brother Alex and our families often agreeing on nothing—except that we love our children and each other, and that is more than enough. . . . Father Chris, kicking my ass and forcing me to treat Genie better, or else. . . . Every drill instructor at the Parris Island and San Diego Marine recruit training depots who will get up tomorrow morning and lead his or her recruits from the front, sacrificing everything for them. . . .

  Faith is certainly not theology to me. Church is just one of the places I look for answers to the only real question I have: Why do we long for meaning?

  For me, faith is best experienced in the twilight in the medieval hall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art at Christmas-time. Every November, a group of volunteers—mostly middle-aged and elderly ladies working under the direction of the museum’s conservancy department—put up the “Angel Tree” and decorate it with Neapolitan eighteenth- and nineteenth-century terra-cotta and wood silk-clad figures: beautifully painted faces gentle and innocent; swirling robes of silk, rich as thick smoke curling heavenward—a nativity scene to break even my cynical heart.

  Off to one side is the entrance to the halls holding the Byzantine collection, a glittering reminder of how Greek and Roman art merged seamlessly into the Byzantine world, carrying forward a message of beauty and civilization. People are coming up from the cafeteria downstairs buttoning their coats, getting ready to leave and intending to hurry past the tree. But they linger. I linger.

  There are Christmas hymns playing quietly. An art purist might call the seasonal tableau sentimental. But the Met and museums everywhere fight to preserve the human meaning found in our most precious artifacts, and many of those artifacts—from Syrian gods to Italian Virgin-and-Childs—reflect the fact that we humans take hope in the irrational.

  Life

  The moments that changed me, perhaps for the better, have not been those I chose, let alone was in charge of or planned. America’s best movie maker, the late Robert Altman, said “You can pick the best six things in anything I made, and none of them were planned. It’s the mistakes I’m interested in. That’s where you hit the truth button.”

  It is no accident that in Baby Jack I have God quoting Altman. For me, there have been some pivotal “Altman truth buttons”: Marrying Genie because I broke my sullen teenage rule and went to dinner one night instead of huddling in my studio in splendid isolation. . . . Having Jessica, our “mistake,” because I was too lazy, horny, and/or stupid to use a condom. . . .John volunteering to serve our country and connecting me to my country in a different way. . . . My finding what I want to do for a living by stumbling into writing novels because of Genie’s nudge. . . .

  I find little snippets of the answer or, at least, an answer, in unexpected places. For instance, I spent a day with Francis at his school recently. I had asked him if I could visit. Francis was teaching a humanities class to seniors. My son answered questions and paced the room. His gestures reminded me so much of my father, the way he put his thumb under the chin, index finger placed alongside his nose, when listening to a question. I felt close to Francis, and through him so unexpectedly close to Dad, as if the three of us were gathered in the room.

  I had only planned to see my son in action. (I wanted to take pictures for our family scrapbook.) The “mistake” intruded, and I “saw” my dad as a young energetic gifted speaker, as he must have been back when he was a pastor of his first church.

  Meaning

  Sometimes the “irrational”—and the intuitive—is the only thing that I count on. Long before John went to war, and long before the afternoon I watched Francis teach, Jessica flew home from Finland with her husband Dani and Amanda. Amanda was only three months old. (Genie had been with Jessica when Amanda was born and came home a week before Jessica came home.) I was counting the days until I could see the baby.

  I opened the front door. I didn’t know what to expect. Jessica wordlessly held Amanda out to me. Amanda was awake and silent, calm, looking right up at me.

  Jessica placed my granddaughter in my arms, a light little bundle, a sweet-smelling package, so light. I turned and went to sit in the kitchen at my usual place. Jessica was there watching her dad, that man who had given her so much grief, who took her all over the world, that man who read her stories, and taught her to box, who had her when he was a child, who slapped her and pulled her hair, that man she hated, that man she forgave who “gave her away” at her wedding, filled the old rowboat with ice, champagne, and strawberries at her reception in his garden, that man who cheered her lacrosse team, that man she watched make deals, make speeches, paint, make films, scream at his wife, convert to a new religion, fail as a movie director, crash, resurrect as a writer, she handed him her baby.

  I looked into Amanda’s face and she looked back at me with clear brown eyes, and they were the same almond shape, exactly the same shape as Genie’s, when she was eighteen, the evening I first saw her. And this new love was the strongest I’d ever felt, ever, like nothing else I have experienced. The peace that “passes understanding” seeped from Amanda to me. Jessica watched us both and let us be.

  Perhaps Mom and Dad were right. In an infinite universe, everything must have happened at least once, someplace, sometime. So maybe there is a God who forgives, who loves, who knows. I hope so. Anything is possible in a world where a daughter forgives her father, for ignorance, for anger, for failure, and places her daughter in his arms.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My wife Genie read this book several times at several stages. I rewrote and added material because of Genie’s very good suggestion. My daughter-in-law Becky read it three times and made precise, detailed, and immensely helpful editorial notes. My daughter Jessica, my brother-in-law John Sandri, Frank Gruber, and Holly Meade read the manuscript at various stages. Their comments were so helpful. Thank you all.

  My daughter Jessica, my sons Francis and John, my sisters Debby and Priscilla, and my old friends Jim Buchfuehrer, Ray Cioni, and Frank Gruber generously contributed pieces I used. Thank you.

  My sister Susan visited me while I was writing. Susan listened as I read her passages from the manuscript. She encouraged me. I’m grateful. On several occasions, my son Francis also listened while I read long sections out loud. His encouragement was wonderful. His suggestions were good. I read several chapters out loud to my granddaughter Amanda over the phone, and she was so very encouraging.

  My editor, Will Balliett challenged me to explain, trim, refine, polish, expand, and, as he always does, cut to the heart of the matter. I rewrote the book, twice, for Will and added over a hundred new pages based on his notes asking for more information. I’m so glad that he was the editor for this very personal project. (He even called from his vacation and we did several long sessions on the phone.) It was good to work with a true friend.

  My agent Jennifer Lyons, as always, was a good friend. Without her, there would be no book and I would have no career as a writer either. Phil Gaskill did a
lovely job on the copy edit. Jamie McNeely Quirk was kind in her capacity as managing editor. She patiently explained the mysteries of checking the final copy edit on a computer file, rather than on paper, as I was used to. I survived and even learned to like the process! I would also like to thank Shaun Dillon, who works with Will Balliett. Shaun was always so very helpful in every aspect of this project and made everything run smoothly in my day-to-day work with everyone at Carroll and Graf/Avalon. Vanessa Crooks very kindly helped sort and scan the photographs herein. She also gave me useful feedback on the text. I thank her for her cheerful kindness. Ryan Jensen is a great friend to Genie and myself. Without his help with our computers, work in our home would grind to a halt.

  In the midst of writing, Guy and Marnie de Vanssay were kind enough to invite Genie and me to stay with them for a desperately needed holiday. We rested in their magnificent Château de la Barre. It is one of the most beautiful family-owned chateau/hotels in an “undiscovered” and unspoiled part of France in the Loire Valley region. We drank wine, ate cheese, visited medieval churches, and slept! (www.chateaudelabarre.com)

  Later, on that same vacation, Debby and Udo very kindly put us up at the Francis Schaeffer Foundation in Gryon, Switzerland. John and Priscilla entertained us at their home in Huémoz. And my mother and I had breakfast together on several mornings and wonderful conversations in the evenings. Without that timely holiday, I don’t think I would have completed this project.

  The poem I quoted in the final chapter is taken from “Tales of Ise” (Edo period, eighteenth century, used by permission from the Metropolitan Museum of Art).

  I am grateful to Peter J. Boyer, who wrote “The Big Tent,” an article reviewing the fundamentalist-versus-modernism conflicts of the early 1900s to 1930s. (The New Yorker, August 22, 2005). I borrowed several sections and used them almost verbatim in chapter 18.

  INDEX

  Abbey Road

  abortion

  “Abortion and the Conscience of the Nation,”

  “Abortion Chic-The Attraction of Wanted-Unwanted Pregnancies,”

  A Christian Manifesto

  ACLU

  Africa

  Ahmanson, Howard

  AIDS

  Alban, Mr.

  Altman, Robert

  A Man Called Horse

  Andrea Doria

  André Shipping Line

  “Angel Tree,”

  Anglicanism

  Annarosa’s Bakery

  apologetics

  A Private Function

  Armstrong, Karen

  Arshad, Mus

  art

  Ascent of Man, The

  A Time for Anger

  Baby Jack

  Baby on Board

  Bach, Steven

  Baez, Joan

  Barilon, Mickey

  Battle for God: Fundamentalism in Judaism, Christianity and Islam

  Bazlinton, John

  Bazlinton, Sandra

  BBC Listener, The

  BBC Productions

  Beatles, The

  Beau Soleil (Beautiful Sunshine)

  Beckett, Samuel

  Bellini, Vincenzo

  Bergen, Candice

  Bill and Gloria Gaither Gospel Trio

  Birth of Venus

  Blade Runner

  Bob Jones University

  Bodrov, Sergei

  Booby Trap

  Book of Martyrs

  Brabey, Mr.

  Brane, Bernard

  Brave New World

  Bride Descending a Staircase

  Bronowski, Jacob

  Brown, Harold O. J.

  Brunelleschi, Filippo

  Bubble

  Buchfuehrer, Jim

  Buckley, Bill

  Buckley, James

  Bullets Over Broadway

  Bush, Barbara

  Bush, George W.

  Butrick, Merritt

  Callas, Maria

  Calvin, John

  Calvin Becker Trilogy

  Calvinism

  Captives

  Casta Diva

  Chalet Bellevue

  Chalet Chardonnet

  Chalet Les Mélèzes

  Chalet Les Sapins

  Chalet Regina

  Chalet Tzi-No

  Chante Pierre Gallery

  China Inland Mission

  Christian Activist, The

  Christian Booksellers Association (CBA)

  Christianity and Liberalism

  Christianity Is Jewish

  Christianity Today

  Christian Right

  Churchill, Winston

  Church Ladies

  Church of England

  Cimino, Michael

  Cioni, Ray

  Civilization

  Civil War

  Clapton, Eric

  Clark, Kenneth

  Closed Plymouth Brethren

  Collins, Wendell “Wendy,”

  Colson, Chuck

  Common Entrance (CE) exam

  compromise

  Congregationalist Park Street Church

  conservatives

  Coppola, Francis Ford

  Coroveglia

  Corral Ridge Presbyterian Church

  Coughlin, Charles

  Creative Artist’s Agency (CAA)

  Cromwell, Oliver

  Crossway Books

  Crowley, Mary C.

  Dali, Salvador

  Darwin, Charles

  David

  Della Robbia

  Del Rio, Alex

  Democratic Party

  DeMoss, Nancy

  Dennis, Lane

  depression

  DeVos, Rich

  Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

  Dobson, James

  Dole, Bob

  Dominionists

  DreamWorks

  Drew, Donald

  Drudge Report

  Duchamp, Marcel

  Dylan, Bob

  Eder, Richard

  England

  Escape From Reason

  eugenics movement

  euthanasia

  evangelicalism

  Evnin, Mark

  Evnin, Mindy

  evolution

  faith

  Faith of Our Sons-A Father’s Wartime Diary

  Faith Seminary

  Falwell, Jerry

  “Famous Christian of the Hour,”

  Farante, Russ

  Farel, Guillaume

  “Farel House,”

  Ferguson, Dr.

  Fighting Chance

  Final Cut

  Firebird

  Focus on the Family

  Ford, Gayle

  Ford, Gerald

  Ford, Mike

  Foreigners, The

  Fosdick, Harry Emerson

  400 Blows, The

  Frisch Gallery

  fundamentalism

  Gai Matin (Happy Morning)

  Gaither, Gloria

  generation gap

  Genet, Jean

  Gift of Music, The

  Gilder, George

  Giotto

  “Girl’s Talk,”

  Godfather, The

  God Who Is There, The

  Goldwater, Barry

  Gospel Films

  Graham, Billy

  Graham, Ruth

  Grateful Dead

  Great Walstead (GW)

  Greek Orthodox Church

  Grenier Discothèque

  Gruber, Frank

  Guinness, Os

  “Hallelujah Chorus,”

  Halloween Four

  Handel, George Frideric

  Hawley, Steve

  Hawley, Vincent

  Headhunter

  Heaven’s Gate

  Hendrix, Jimi

  Henry, Carl

  Hentoff, Nat

  hippies

  Hitchcock, James

  Holmes, Gracie

  homeschooling

  homosexuality

  honesty

  Howard, Sandy


  How Should We Then Live?

  humanistic art

  Human Life Review

  Hunt, Bunker

  Hussein, Saddam

  Hyde, Henry

  Ile de France

  inerrancy of scripture

  infanticide

  “Intelligent Design,”

  International Herald Tribune

  Iraq

  Italy

  Jadden, Audrey

  Jadden, Bill

  Jagger, Mick

  John Birch Society

  Johns, Glynis

  Johnson, Mrs.

  Jones, Martin Lloyd

  Kane, Carol

  Keeping Faith-A Father-Son Story About Love and the United States Marine Corps

  Kemp, Jack

  Kemp, Joanne

  Kennedy, Dr.

  Kennedy, Edward

  Kennedy, James

  Keyes, Dick

  Keyswater, Dr.

  Kinchlow, Ben

  King, B. B.

  Knights of Columbus

  Kohn, John

  Koop, C. Everett

  L’Abri

  hippies

  “L’Abri Story, The,”

  single mothers

  students

  workers

  Leary, Timothy

  Ledbetter, Mr.

  Led Zeppelin

  Lejeune, Jerome

  Lenz, Kay

  Letters Home

  Lewis, C. S.

  line of despair

  Lino

  Lithgow, John

  Los Angeles Times

  Luce, Clare Boothe

  Macaulay, Kirsty

  Macaulay, Margaret

  Macaulay, Ranald

  Macaulay, Susan. See Schaeffer, Susan

  Machen, J. Gresham

  Macmillan

  Mann, Judy

  Marine Corps

  Marriage Supper of the Lamb

  Mason, Charlotte

  McCain, John

  McCartney, Paul

  McIntyre, Carl

  Meegeren, Han van

  Mei Fuh-Memories from China

  Mencken, H. L.