Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church

by Rachel Held Evans

  I didn’t have a lot of time for self-pity. The most immediate effect of my new “biblical” lifestyle came in the form of an adjusted routine that required that I make the bed before checking e-mail, cook Dan’s breakfast before browsing Facebook, and finish the laundry before starting any new writing projects. This attempt to observe my second commandment (“Thou shalt devote thyself to the duties of the home”) required a serious shift in priorities that proved a little disorienting for both of us.

  The first morning Dan awoke to the smell of scrambled eggs, he assumed that pleased-but-cautious posture men get when they’re not quite sure if they’re supposed to be enjoying themselves or if the whole thing is a trap.

  “Thanks, hon,” he said after a second glass of orange juice. “I can do the dishes.”

  “No, you can’t. That’s my job now.”

  Dan looked doubtful.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. You think the Proverbs 31 woman let her husband do the dishes? Go relax. I’ll clean up.”

  Dan leaped from his seat with the excitement of Ralphie Parker receiving his Red Ryder BB gun, and I found myself confronted with a stack of greasy plates that, compounded with those from the night before, would most certainly not fit in the dishwasher.

  It occurred to me then that a year is a very long time.

  Dan’s Journal

  October 15, 2010

  I’m not used to reminding Rachel to make me lunch, but just now, we had a conversation that went something like this:

  ME: Can you make me lunch?

  RACHEL: Okay. Can you work on that picture for my blog?

  ME: Wait. Are you telling me what to do?

  RACHEL (SMILING): Well, you’re telling me what to do.

  ME (SMILING): Yeah, but isn’t that what you signed up for?

  We both pause.

  RACHEL: Okay, I’ll make you lunch, but would you mind if I dried my hair first? (It was up in a towel, as it had been for the last half hour.)

  ME (IN A HALF-SERIOUS TONE): Well, I don’t know; delayed obedience is disobedience.

  Rachel got up to fix me lunch.

  Wow. That conversation, or anything like it, would never have happened before the project started. We both knew this whole exchange was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I still felt kinda bad. After all, I didn’t marry Rachel because I wanted someone to make me lunch.

  She’s told me in the past that if her hair stays up in the towel too long, she’ll end up with a bad hair day . . . I’m going to go tell her she can dry her hair first.

  When I told friends that my goal for October was to cultivate a gentle and quiet spirit, a few of them laughed. Not in a mean way, but in a sympathetic, knowing sort of way. This was partly because they knew me, and partly because a lot of us church girls had the “gentle and quiet spirit” thing rubbed in our faces at early ages. It seems the apostle Peter’s first epistle to the Christians of Asia Minor serves as a handy deterrent for Christian girls whose pesky questions in Sunday school or enthusiasm on the kickball field made their mamas worry.

  “I’m intrigued to see if you succeed at the gentle and quiet spirit,” one of my readers wrote in. “I’ve tried and failed miserably, but I guess I’m just too loud and blunt and opinionated to fit the mold.”

  Another said, “It’s sad that so many strong, gifted, ‘feisty’ women have been led to believe that they are to shelve that whole side of their personality because it is not ‘gentle’ or ‘quiet’ enough. I see women who could change their little piece of the world for the better, or perhaps an even bigger piece of the world for the better, sitting on their hands in this posture of ‘gentleness.’”

  A third added, “This verse has played over and over in my head as I continue to simply feel not good enough. Am I cut out for Christianity at all?”

  I can relate. While Dan is patient and understated, I suspect I came out of the womb with an opinion about the delivery—and every intention of expressing it. Passionate, persuasive, and hyperbolically inclined, the Information Age has been good to me. I blog. I speak. I write books. I tweet. And every now and then, a reporter or representative from the Nielsen Company will actually ask my opinion about something.

  In search of some direction, I looked to the book of Proverbs, a collection of wisdom sayings that gives us some of the most colorful quips, cracks, praises, and poetry about women found in Scripture. This preoccupation with the feminine should come as no surprise, considering the fact that King Solomon, the figure to whom the book is often attributed, had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.

  Proverbs’ cast of female characters includes the virtuous woman, the foolish woman, the excellent wife, the shaming wife, Lady Wisdom, and Lady Folly. Making multiple appearances is the so-called contentious woman, who seems to have the opposite of a gentle and quiet spirit:

  • “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.” (Proverbs 21:19 NASB)

  • “A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.” (Proverbs 19:13 NASB)

  • “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind and grasps oil with his right hand.” (Proverbs 27:15–16 NASB)

  • “It is better live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 NASB)

  The contentious woman gave me an idea for kicking some of my less-than-gentle habits.

  I decided to make a swearing jar of sorts. Each time I caught myself in the act of contention, I’d put a penny (or nickel or dime, depending on the severity of the infraction) in the jar. Behaviors that qualified as contention included gossiping, nagging, complaining, exaggerating, and snark. The Bible includes no direct mention of snark, of course, but in a decision I would come to regret, I added this pervasive little vice of mine for good measure.

  I labeled it “The Jar of Contention,” and resolved that at the end of the month, each cent would represent one minute I’d have to spend doing penance on the rooftop of my house to simulate what it’s like to share a house with a contentious woman, according to the book of Proverbs.

  Within the first few days, The Jar of Contention held twenty-six cents and a crumpled note card upon which I’d scribbled a log of my transgressions:

  10/6/10—1¢, snarky comment about Dan letting Commandment #1 go to his head

  10/7/10—1¢, snarky comment about the president of the Southern Baptist Convention using three forms of the word “serious” in a single sentence

  10/7/10—1¢, complaining about the Jar of Contention

  10/7/10—1¢, complaining about the experiment in general

  10/8/10—5¢, ranting about negative comments on my blog (four of the five vices employed) 10/8/10—1¢, nagging Dan about taking out the garbage

  10/9/10—1¢, snarky comment about Steve Spurrier during Alabama game

  10/9/10—1¢, complaining about lack of defense during Alabama game

  10/9/10—1¢, swearing during Alabama game

  10/9/10—1¢, complaining about how Dan arbitrarily added swearing to the list of vices

  Apparently snark makes up a large percentage of my sense of humor, and I’m kind of a whiner. On the upside, I don’t gossip a lot— a good thing, since abstaining from it was my ninth commandment.

  Gossip is a surprisingly serious infraction in Scripture, and is listed along with wickedness, evil, greed, depravity, envy, God-hating, and murder as part of the apostle Paul’s indictment against sinful humanity in Romans 1. Proverbs includes several warnings against gossip, and significant portions of Paul’s letters to Timothy concern outbreaks of gossip among women in the early church at Ephesus. To qualify as leaders, Paul wrote, “women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things” (1 Timothy 3:11 NASBT).

  In fact, it was the sin of gossip, or loshon hara (“evil talk”), that took down on
e of the most powerful women in Israel. The prophetess Miriam, sister to Moses and a worship leader among the people, was struck with a skin disease, something like psoriasis, after making some pointed remarks about her brother’s wife, Zipporah, a Cushite (Numbers 12:1–16). As exemplified in the story, to be guilty of loshon hara, one need not tell a lie, for even true statements when told in spite are considered evil. Interestingly, Miriam’s brother Aaron was not punished though he was complicit in the crime.

  According to the Talmud, loshon hara kills three people: the one who speaks it, the one who hears it, and the one about whom it is told. “Kill” may strike the modern reader as a bit hyperbolic, but when you think of all the friendships lost, careers stunted, and opportunities thwarted as a result of gossip among women, violent language seems appropriate. We cause serious collateral damage to the advancement of our sex each time we perpetuate the stereotype that women can’t get along.

  As Tina Fey put it, “Girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying ‘like’ all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.”

  I thought about this as I dropped a penny in the jar for gleefully passing along some not-so-flattering inside information about one of my female writing nemeses . . . and then another three for complaining about how hard it is to have a jar of contention. I was determined to keep my rooftop penance to under two hours, but as soon as November 1 appeared on the ten-day weather forecast, I checked to see if I’d need an umbrella.

  As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.

  —PROVERBS 11:22 NASB

  Of course I was late to my etiquette lesson.

  By the time I pulled my sputtering little Plymouth Acclaim into Mrs. Flora Mainord’s upscale Knoxville neighborhood, it was nearly 5:00. My appointment was for 4:30, but I’d gotten stuck behind a school bus after exiting the interstate, so I had to watch a bunch of rich kids trot off to their lakeside homes and private tutors before taking a wrong turn and getting lost in a maze of water-themed street names: River Trail, River View, River Sound.

  I really needed to pee.

  Flora didn’t seem to mind that I was late or that a veritable Liz Lemon had just stepped into her foyer for a crash course on refinement. A tall, middle-aged woman with dark hair and olive skin, she wore a black top, black slacks, and a cascade of glittering jewelry. Her home was decorated like a palace, with displays of crystal and china encased in antique cabinets and massive portraits of girls in white dresses framed in gold. On the right sat a formal dining room prepared for a five-course meal. On the left was a sitting room, from which I thought I heard Mariah Carey singing in the background. With all the fine furniture and silk pillows and bulky heirlooms, I wondered where Flora kept her husband.

  “Would you like to visit the ladies’ room to freshen up?” she asked with an accent more suited for Nashville than Knoxville.

  I’d scoured the Internet for a local etiquette consultant, thinking that a class or two might help me file down some of my rough edges and get a little closer to achieving that gentle and quiet spirit Peter wrote about. But these days, certified etiquette consultants are about as hard to come by as personal rabbis, so I had to make the two-hour trek to Knoxville for a private class that covered formal dining, proper introductions, conversation skills, manners, thank-you notes, invitations, appearance, and business protocol. Flora came highly recommended and with an interesting story—beauty queen, weather personality, fashion consultant, entrepreneur, manners expert.

  There was a fancy couch in the bathroom, which threw me off a bit, as did the series of delicate white hand towels placed on the sink. Not sure which one to use, I wiped my hands on my skirt.

  Classy, Evans.

  We began by browsing Flora’s library of etiquette books, which included some charming first editions from Emily Post, as well as a few signed copies of Letitia Baldrige classics. I cracked a bunch of self-deprecating jokes about my scatterbrained ways because that’s what my mom and I do when we’re nervous, but Flora’s plump cheeks remained frozen in a polite smile as she paused to let me finish and then returned to reading her favorite lines aloud: “Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory.” “The attributes of a great lady may still be found in the rule of the four S’s: sincerity, simplicity, sympathy, and serenity.”

  We then moved into the dining room, where Flora had artfully arranged two table settings, one with my name on the place card and one with hers. I faced a total of five forks, four knives, three plates, two spoons, and an army of stemware, including a water goblet, champagne flute, white wine glass, red wine glass, and sherry glass. I had no idea rich people drank so much booze.

  Flora serenely guided me through each item on the table, reminding me to be aware of my posture and bring my food to my face, not the other way around.

  “Now, are you familiar with Continental-style dining?” she asked after bringing out an appetizer of crab cakes.

  “I’m guessing you mean something other than the free breakfast we get at the Hampton Inn.”

  This time I was rewarded with an airy peal of laughter, and soon we settled into a natural, friendly dinner, which Flora had prepared herself.

  What I loved about Flora’s teaching style was how she wove into the conversation little anecdotes and tidbits from history. For example, once, at a state dinner, a guest of Eleanor Roosevelt mistook the finger bowl for a beverage, picked it up with his hands, and began to drink. Without blinking, Mrs. Roosevelt picked hers up and drank as well, a gesture Flora believed represented the essence of good manners.

  “It’s not about doing everything right,” she explained. “It’s about basic human decency, putting other people ahead of yourself.”

  After a second glass of champagne, I was having an easier time holding my knife and fork Continental-style without looking like a baby bird about to attempt flight. I’d also learned how to properly put a napkin in my lap (with the fold toward the table), write a thank-you note (within a week of receiving the gift), and accept a compliment (without dismissing it in feigned modesty). By the end of the night, I was sitting up straight, maintaining eye contact, and accepting compliments like a pro.

  But had I achieved a gentle and quiet spirit?

  The trucker who cut me off on the way home would probably have an opinion about that. He cost me five cents.

  Deliver me from timidity of spirit and from storminess . . . From all heedlessness in my behavior, deliver me O Lord.

  —FROM GERTRUDE’S

  FOURTH SPIRITUAL EXERCISE

  As October drew to a close and the Tennessee hills lit up with one last blush of color, it became clear to me that the Jar of Contention wasn’t really working.

  Sure, I’d kicked some bad habits. I was complaining less, listening more, and getting pretty good at changing the subject whenever it turned to gossip. I’d even managed to go an entire day without putting a single penny in the jar. But my spirit remained restless.

  Comments and e-mails about the project continued to pour in, and it soon became clear that the reaction-based culture of Facebook, Twitter, and twenty-four-hour news could easily turn someone like me into a one-stop freak show. Positive feedback sent my spirit soaring while negative comments made me defensive and angry. I hated that people I didn’t even know had such a powerful effect on me and that a single comment from “Anon1” or “MilwaukeeDad” could keep me up at night.

  Contemplatives have long taught that mastering the volatile human spirit is the key to serenity. “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles,” the Buddha taught. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who captures a city,” says Proverbs 16:32 NASB. In our increasingly fragmented, chatter-filled world, the quest to live and think deeply requires concerted acts of self-control. Staying grou
nded means growing some serious roots.

  So in a last-ditch effort to master my not-so-gentle spirit, I decided to explore something I’d been meaning to try for a while: contemplative prayer.

  Now, as a rule, evangelicals shy away from mysticism and meditation, as these practices can feel a bit too passive and introspective for our activist-driven, free-for-all religious sensibilities. But I’d been cheating on the low church for about a year now—observing the church calendar, reading the Book of Common Prayer, and sneaking off to St. Matthew’s Episcopal Church to smudge ashes on my forehead—so trying out a little structured prayer suited me just fine. I’d done some research on Lectio Divina and centering prayer and decided to start there.

  Lectio Divina, or “holy reading,” isn’t really about reading at all; it’s about listening. It’s about approaching the text as you would a sanctuary and inviting God to inhabit the words. Techniques vary, but one usually begins the Lectio Divina by slowly reading through a passage of Scripture, making note of any words or images that stir the soul. This is followed by a period of silent meditation. The same passage is read again, and the cycle can be repeated as many times as desired. Some liken this method to a meal, in which one feasts on the words of God, first by taking a bite (reading), then by chewing (meditation), then by savoring (prayer), and finally by digesting (contemplation). The idea is to pay attention, to isolate and enjoy each flavor of the text.

  Similarly, centering prayer helps quiet the spirit so that it is calm and deep enough for truth to leave a wake. In centering prayer, one chooses a sacred word or phrase upon which to focus. This serves as a sort of starting point, an anchor to which to return should distractions upset mediation. The ultimate goal is to transcend all thoughts, feelings, images, and perceptions in order to simply rest in the Reality that is beyond words. The method has been practiced by Christians for centuries, particularly in the Eastern Orthodox Church.