After You

by Sam Mariano

  I go to turn away, but he grabs my arm, yanking me back. “You are not a fucking random.”

  Glaring at his hand on my arm, I tell him, “Let me go.”

  “No,” he says seriously, holding my gaze. “The only reason it took me six years to come after you is because I couldn’t find you, Nikki. Trust me, I’ve looked. You made yourself a fucking ghost.”

  I can’t believe how dense he is. “Yes, Derek, so this couldn’t happen. I didn’t want you to chase after me once it was too late; I wanted you to stop me from leaving in the first place.”

  His eyes bug out and he thrusts his hand out at nothing. “How the fuck was I supposed to do that? You didn’t tell me you were leaving! I thought you were leaving graduation, not skipping town. I would not have let you leave that classroom if I’d known it was the last time I’d see you, Nikki. You know I wouldn’t have. None of this was my choice, it was yours. You put all the blame on me, but you didn’t give me a chance to stop you.”

  Fumes might as well be coming out of my ears. “Oh, my God. You need to leave. I want to get in my car and run you over with it right now. I gave you nothing but chances, Derek. I gave you a million chances. You are the one who chose a life with someone else over a life with me.” I jab him in the chest with my pointed index finger. “You. That was your choice.”

  “I wasn’t choosing a life with her. I didn’t think…” He stops, probably realizing what he’s about to say is going to piss me off more instead of less.

  “Go ahead. You didn’t think what, Derek?” I ask calmly.

  “I didn’t think you’d leave, that’s all,” he says, looking down at the gravel in my driveway.

  A moment of silent passes. I nod and he looks down, neither of us able to look each other in the eye. Finally, my tone level, I say, “You thought I’d be like my mom. You thought I’d still be there after it all fell apart. You thought I’d take you back.”

  He hesitates long enough that I can tell he’s unsure of his response, but he decides to go with the truth. “Yeah, I did.”

  Smiling faintly, I pat him on the arm and tell him, “Well, you were wrong.”

  With that, I turn around and walk away. Away from Derek Noble, away from the detour of my life that today was, maybe away from something good—but probably away from something bad.

  I have a life to get back to, maybe not the most exciting one, but one that doesn’t make me hurt. That can only be true as long as he is not part of it.

  ---

  After catching up on emails, apologizing profusely to Alex and Bethany, and logging a few hours of work, the thing I am least looking forward to happens.

  Henry shows up on my doorstep, and he doesn’t bring food.

  I was expecting his presence, but I won’t lie, I was hoping he would bring food. Food is how I know everything is okay, and even though I expect things to be completely shattered by the end of this conversation, I didn’t want it to start off this way.

  I swallow a ball of guilt that’s lodged in my throat as I open the door and let him inside. Everything feels so different now. It’s the same living room, the same Henry, the same me, but somehow none of it works anymore.

  Maybe I’m not the same me. Maybe Derek changed me in some small way, like he always has. Maybe the essence of him still clings to me as I stand here in my house and welcome Henry. Maybe he can sense it.

  He shouldn’t have even shown up. After all the time he has waited around for me, I had the gall to text him, “We need to talk.” I didn’t even call him. I owed him a phone call. I owe him so much more than a phone call. I owe him an apology of epic proportions—not to try to save our relationship, I know that’s toast. I know I’ve wronged him egregiously. I don’t expect him to get over it, I just want him to know I never meant for this to happen, that I didn’t want to be this person, not for him.

  My soul aches. I’m so ashamed of myself now that he’s here. I was swept up in Derek, I was removed from the reality of the cost. I’m not sure I would have made a different choice even if I had realized it, but God, this is just the worst.

  Clearing my throat, I wait for him to speak, but he doesn’t. I look around for a distraction, a saving grace, but I know there won’t be one. It’s probably best to just get into it.

  Instead of letting this awkwardness linger, instead of offering him a seat, I turn around, look him right in the eye, and say, “I had to do this once before and I was really bad at it then. It might seem like years and experience would have made it much easier, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. I want to first apologize for ditching you at my father’s wedding after you left work to come, because that was a really shitty thing to do.”

  “Yes, it was,” he agrees, calmly.

  I nod. “I didn’t even tell you where I was going. I mean, I was really, really drunk, and… honestly, I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t plan to leave the reception, I just needed to leave the room, but… You know what, none of this is the point. None of this matters. Because here’s the thing. I really wish that ditching you at the reception was the beginning and end of the shitty things that I have done in the last 24 hours, but it’s not. Not even close. I’ll go into detail if you need that for closure, but suffice it to say that I am a terrible person, and I apologize for that. I did try to warn you, but that’s no excuse. There is no excuse.”

  Making a little “let’s get on with it” motion with his hand, he says, “Just get it out, Nicole.”

  I swallow, looking down like a coward. “I cheated on you. The guy who sat in the pew next to you at the wedding ceremony was my ex-boyfriend. He wrecked my life and obliterated my heart, and that’s a little bit why I had so little left that I could do what I did, because you have been incredible to me, and… I am ashamed, and I am sorry. I am a heartless monster, and I should have told you that when it became clear to me that you were romantically interested in me, but I’m also a coward.”

  “Okay, that’s enough,” he says, reaching out and touching my shoulder.

  I look up, confused, then my confusion turns to utter befuddlement as he pulls me against him and… hugs me?

  “Um… what are you doing?” I ask.

  “I was worried sick, Nicole. You were wasted, you disappeared, no one knew where you were, and you weren’t answering your phone.”

  “Um… didn’t you just hear what I said?”

  “Of course I heard what you said,” he replies, but his tone is almost dismissive. “You were drunk, Nicole. He’s an asshole for taking advantage of that. That’s not your fault.”

  “Oh, God, no, you can’t let me off the hook,” I say, backing out of his embrace and frowning. “No, it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t. I didn’t… I didn’t cheat last night, it was this morning. I was conscious of what I was doing, I just… did it anyway.”

  “Oh.” He looks down at the ground, considering. “Well, okay, that’s significantly worse.”

  I grimace, nodding my head. “Sorry. I should have led with that, but I thought… I thought the word ‘cheating’ would probably get the point across.”

  Looking back up at me, he asks, “So, what, are you two back together now?”

  “No. No, that’s… He’s bad for me. All of last night was a symptom of Derek. I mean, they were my actions, but it’s what he does to me. I lose my mind around Derek.”

  “But he won’t be around anymore?”

  Frowning, not understanding the relevance, I shake my head wordlessly.

  Henry nods. “All right. I forgive you.”

  “What? Why?”

  Sighing and raking his hand through his hair, he says, “Because, Nikki, I didn’t even take the day off to come to your father’s wedding. You never ask anything of me—other than food—and I didn’t even take the day off for you. I just canceled our date the other night to stay late at work. I’m not winning any boyfriend awards, either. You and I have not even slept together yet,” he states, raising his eyebrows. “We are the junio
r high equivalent of boyfriend and girlfriend.”

  Now I take a few steps back, dropping into my office chair. “Wow. This is not the response I was expecting. You’re so calm. Does this even hurt?” I ask. Obviously I didn’t want to hurt him, but shouldn’t it hurt?

  Instead of answering, he cocks a knowing eyebrow and asks, “If I walked in here, sincerely apologetic, and told you I fucked another woman, but I’m profoundly sorry and it will never happen again, would it hurt you?”

  I frown, mulling over the scenario in my head. It would be annoying, certainly. Insulting, most definitely. But would it hurt?

  It should hurt. Derek didn’t even cheat on me, and his whole involvement with Kayla hurts me so much, I can’t even bear to think about it.

  “We aren’t doing this relationship right,” I tell him.

  “No,” he agrees.

  I shift in my chair, so uncomfortable in this moment, and yet unable to leave it. Henry’s calmness is keeping me here like a hostage with a gun to my head, waiting for the switch to flip, for him to realize I’ve wronged him, for him to lash out, but I don’t think it’s coming. I don’t think he’s in shock, I think… I think he doesn’t really care.

  I’m not sure if I’m asking myself or him, but the words fall out for both of us to hear. “What are we doing here, Henry?”

  “I’m not sure,” he answers honestly, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m not angry at you, Nicole. If I thought he’d make you happier… I don’t know. Maybe I’d even tell you to go.”

  How is that not love? Love is wanting another person to be happy, even if they’re happy without you. If I’m being honest, I would tell Henry the same thing. If one day he decided I wasn’t enough for him with my half-assed, unhealthy version of love, I couldn’t resent that. I would set him free and wish him well, and I wouldn’t be bitter about it.

  So, does that mean we sort of love each other, or we never will?

  “I don’t know how to have healthy relationships,” I tell him. “I run from my feelings, and when they catch me, I make terrible decisions in an attempt to deal.”

  His lips curve up faintly, but not with real amusement. “Yes, I noticed. To be honest, after seeing you last night, I’m not even all that shocked to hear this. How fucked up is it that the most shocking part of last night for me was when you hugged me without prompting and then kissed me in front of your dad?”

  “Really fucked up,” I say, nodding my head tiredly. “I’m sorry for that. I withhold affection because I’m a coward.”

  “And because I’m not dominant enough,” he says, dryly.

  Gasping in horror, I cover my face. “Oh, God, no. You heard that?”

  “My manhood was a little wounded, but after a review of the facts, I can see why you think that. I haven’t even kidnapped you and taken advantage of your drunkenness. What kind of asshole boyfriend am I?”

  I shouldn’t laugh, but his summary of Derek is so fucking accurate, I can’t help myself.

  Henry offers a faintly self-deprecating smile, then he peels off his suit jacket and tells me, “At any rate, I’m spending the night tonight.”

  That melts my amusement real fast. “What’s that now?”

  “Not for sex,” he says, seeing my panic. “You just fucked someone else today, and… I’m not even sure you’ve showered. No offense. But it’s late, I’m tired, and I’m at my girlfriend’s house; I’m staying.”

  “Um…”

  Ignoring my hesitation, he says, “I’ll leave in the morning, but I’m not going to bring you a muffin. Maybe Monday your muffin privileges will return, but there has to be some punishment for the cheating.”

  “Huh. Two days without muffins. That seems lenient.”

  “If that’s not manly enough for you, you can lie naked on your bed and I’ll whip your ass with my belt,” he offers.

  “Maybe tomorrow.”

  Henry cracks a smile and takes his tie off. “I think we’re gonna be okay.”

  Chapter Eleven

  This is weird.

  I can’t fall asleep knowing Henry is in bed with me. I cannot believe Henry is in bed with me. Of all the things I thought might get him here, “I fucked someone else” was not on that list.

  It’s been a nice night, don’t get me wrong. Henry stopped giving as many fucks upon hearing that his unattainable unicorn took someone else’s horn, and he did get bossier. Telling me he was sleeping at my house tonight is the bossiest thing he has ever done, but as I stare at him in the darkness of my bedroom, his presence feels so unnatural, I wonder if I will ever adjust to it.

  Probably. I don’t make a habit of sleeping in beds with men, but millions upon millions of women manage it, right? Surely they like it.

  Why are you here?

  I can’t stop thinking it. I don’t understand why Henry even wants to forgive me. Does he just not want to be alone? Being with me is almost like being alone, so that can’t be it. I can’t imagine he wants me that badly. I’m far from ugly, but I’m not hot enough to warrant this level of forgiveness, especially when you take into account my emotional unavailability.

  I poke him. He doesn’t wake up, so I poke him again.

  He grumbles, opening his eyes and frowning at me. “What’s wrong?”

  “Have you fucked other women since we got together?”

  Sighing, he covers his eyes with one of his hands. “Really? You woke me up to ask me that?”

  “Have you?”

  “In the last month? No. In the past year? Of course. I’m not a monk.”

  “Why didn’t you just date them? Why keep coming back to me?”

  “Because I like difficult, insane women who won’t let me sleep,” he states, turning over and punching his pillow. “Go to sleep, Nicole.”

  “Do you think you might be self-loathing?” I ask, propping myself up on my elbow. “Maybe you don’t think you deserve better than me.”

  “Listen to the way you just asked that question, Nicole,” he says, without rolling over. “You act like my liking and respecting you is a failing. You’re the one who has a touch of self-loathing, not me. You think there’s something wrong with me for liking you, and there isn’t. For someone so fucking smart, you certainly lack self-awareness.”

  I glare at him, not that he can see me. “Rude.”

  “You should start talking to someone. A counselor. I know a good one; I can get you her phone number.”

  “I do not need counseling,” I tell him.

  “Okay. Go to sleep,” he says again.

  He doesn’t get it at all. I don’t think he’s stupid for liking me because I think I suck, I’m just aware of how much more I have to offer. I remember clearly the way I loved Derek, especially at the deepest level. It went beyond reason, and I deserved better. That’s the problem with me. When I let myself love, I can’t stop. Most people find it easy to fall in love, but I don’t. Falling out of love isn’t just hard, it’s impossible. I should have fallen out of love with Derek a million times over, but I didn’t, no matter the motivation. I can’t afford to turn on the love faucet knowing that I can’t turn it back off if I need to.

  Poking Henry again, I wait for him to heave his sigh, then I ask, “Do you think cheating isn’t a big deal? I think it’s a big deal.”

  “Nicole… do we have to talk about this right now?”

  “If you and I went deeper with this relationship, cheating would hurt me. If I really gave myself to you, it would. The only reason it doesn’t hurt now is because I hold myself back. If you don’t think cheating is a big deal, that might mean you would do it.”

  “I have no plans to cheat on you,” he states.

  “But now you know I messed up, so if down the line we were together and things started to get hard, and say there’s a cute little paralegal at your office who wears a short skirt and moons at you every day while life at home with me is hard and sucky…. Tell me there isn’t some part of you that would think, ‘you know what, Nicole cheated
on me, so I get a free pass just this once.’”

  “No, Nicole, that’s not how humans work.”

  “I think it is.”

  “That’s not how loving humans work,” he states. “There’s no keeping track in a relationship. It’s not a war. It’s not an eye for an eye; you hurt me so I hurt you. That’s not how love works.”

  “But we don’t love each other. At least, not romantically.”

  Henry gives up and rolls over to face me, since clearly I am not going to let him sleep. “What are you looking for, Nicole? A guarantee I won’t hurt you, or a reason to push me away?”

  “I know you’re not him,” I state honestly. “But I don’t know that you won’t do the same thing he ultimately did. I would have never given my heart to him if I had known better.”

  “Love is always a risk. Giving yourself to someone is always a risk. I could promise you that I wouldn’t hurt you, but you wouldn’t believe me—and you shouldn’t believe me. I could be lying. I might not even know I’m lying. Most people begin a relationship genuine in that belief, they don’t set out to hurt the other person. Life happens. People change. Feelings change. There aren’t guarantees in life, Nicole. If you’re waiting around on a guarantee, you’re never going to get one—not from me, and not from anyone else. But you know what? Getting hurt isn’t the end of the world. It won’t kill you. The only alternative to never getting hurt is never feeling anything, and then you’re just choosing to hurt yourself. Take a chance. If not on me, on someone. Not your ex—he sounds terrible. But stop missing out because you’re afraid.”

  I mull over his words, but this time he doesn’t roll over and try to go to sleep, he just watches me. Watches me struggle with thoughts and feelings and words I don’t want to say.

  “I realized something today,” I tell him. “I want things I don’t have. Not things tied specifically to him, but… someday I want my own family. I want to be a mom. I want a committed relationship with someone who loves me—maybe not marriage, I don’t know, but I want to know I have a partner who isn’t going anywhere. Someone to have breakfast with on the weekends, to raise a family with. Someone who will love me even when I’m hard to love—because I will be. I have been all my life, and that isn’t going to magically change for anyone. I want someone who wouldn’t have it any other way. Someone who thinks I’m worth all the hassle. Someone who would choose me over and over again, every single time.”