Take Me Away

by Anne Thomas

  "Eloquent." I say approvingly.

  "It's what I was going for." Hague grins and then looks serious again. "Casey. I don't know if I want to say. He made me promise though."

  "Just say it. I'm a tough girl."

  "You are anything but tough. Last time this guy hurt you, you ran away for a freaking long time to the other side of the world. You and Lena can't both go away!"

  "How about if I promise not to run away again?" I reach out my pinky finger and he grips it with his. We shake with a bit more gravitas than one might expect from a pinky promise, but it seems to win Handsome over enough to spill the beans. Inside I am shivering, with anticipation and terror and hope and delight and anger and just about every other contradicting emotion one is able to feel.

  "Okay. So I went over to his - just as I got there Mandy from the Silver Chain was leaving, she told me he wasn't doing well. According to her he broke up with the 'sweetest girlie' he was ever going to get. Mandy clearly didn't approve but anyway, that other chick is gone. Nada. Finished."

  "Good to know I rated highly when I was hanging around. Fucking Mandy." I say it more bitterly than I intend so Handsome reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it.

  "I went inside and he insisted on making me a cup of tea before we sat down in the living room. His house is a bit boring, no?"

  "Yeah. But you should hear his music collection." I say in a very seedy voice, with some accompanying eyebrow waggling.

  "I'll take your word for it. So we were talking - just about complete crap. Not about you at all - it seemed like he wanted to but couldn't get around to it. I wasn't busy and the guy seemed lonely so I let him rabbit on about nothing. I sporadically wanted to punch him for being a douche but he seemed so unhappy-"

  "For fear of sounding like a mole - this is not a very exciting story, Handsome. Where's the juicy stuff?"

  "Okay. He was in the middle of telling me about one time he went to the beach when he was a kid and found a dead bird when he just blurted out that he was still in love with you."

  "What?"

  "Yeah. He was serious too, because no one has ever looked that miserable or sincere since... possibly ever." I stay quiet and stare down at my hands. "He said that when he came to yours and the other guy was here - props for that, by the way - he was devastated and that's when he knew. That's when he dumped that other bitch."

  Stiffly I ask Hague what the point of this conversation was. I am keeping it together but just barely. I think I'm going to implode - from rage or joy I'm not sure.

  "He wants some face-time. He wants you to go over and talk to him. That's why he got me over there - because he knows that you listen to me."

  "I do?"

  "Casey - I've known you since we were little kids and I've never seen you this cut about a guy. And you know I'm one of your biggest advocates. I love you, you're one of my closest friends. I never want to see you hurting like that again, but I think you really did him a disservice when you left. He's an asshole, but I think you hurt him pretty bad as well."

  I hug my arms around myself like that will keep the words out. But it's Hague, so I know that everything he is saying is the truth, because he has utterly no reason to lie to me.

  "I think you should go over and talk with him. You two need to sort your stuff out - when you went overseas neither of you had closure."

  "You think I should go over there."

  "Yes."

  "Anything could happen."

  "I know."

  "You think I should risk it?"

  "Yes."

  I stand and grab Handsome in a tight hug. "I'll do it then. Thanks Hague."

  He squeezes me and then tells me to stay cool.

  I go to bed and fall asleep straight away. I realise in the ten seconds this takes me that Handsome just gave me exactly what I needed all along - an excuse to give Levi another chance. I couldn't justify it to myself so someone else had to tell me. Bless his little cotton socks.

  ::penELOPE, LENAway and CaseSpace have joined the conversation::

  penELOPE says: What are you two clowns doing today?

  LENAway says: Nothing. Handsome wants to go to dinner later but until then I'm, like, painting my nails or something equally practical.

  penELOPE says: Want to go get brunch and bitch about other people?

  LENAway says: Sounds good.

  CaseSpace says: No can do, my doves.

  LENAway says: Why not? You said yesterday it's your day off.

  CaseSpace says: I'm busy though. Going to visit someone.

  penELope says: It better not be the jackass.

  LENAway says: If it's that idiot Levi I will not be pleased.

  CaseSpace says: Chill out dudes. I'm going to see my mum. She's also got the day off. We're going to hang. Do whatever family do... We'll probably watch a terrible movie and eat Chinese food. Yum.

  LENAway says: Okay. Fine. You are allowed to see your mother.

  CaseSpace says: Cheers.

  ::CaseSpace has left the conversation at 10:01am::

  penELOPE says: That was a suspiciously abrupt departure.

  LENAway says: Tell me when something Casey does isn't suspicious and I'll hear you.

  penELOPE says: True story. So I'll come to yours in like half an hour? I need to shower.

  LENAway says: Sounds good. See you then x

  ::penELOPE and LENAway have left the conversation at 10:02am::

  Later in the week I am sitting in my living room with Hague and Lena watching My Kitchen Rules laughing hysterically as Hague is screaming at the TV.

  "I don't get it! What is happening? Is this like the overarching theme of the competition? Don't make enough of any main item that you're serving... ever? These people are fucking idiots! Hey, here's an idea - why don't we make only just enough of whatever shit thing we decide on so that if we burn it or drop some on the floor we don't have enough... What is wrong with these people?!"

  This went on for a solid hour. The entirety of the show, in fact. My gut was aching from laughing so hard and Lena had given up after ten minutes, plugged headphones into her ears and retreated into a world of music, humming and singing to songs we couldn't hear.

  After that we are all feeling quite high strung and on edge, so we meander down to the tavern a few blocks over. We sink a few jugs of beer between us and challenge some other lads to king-of-the-table at pool. We win a couple of games and lose a couple. I am a dead weight but Lena is a crack shot. Hague gets distracted easily and finds himself taking half a second to look at the balls and take his shot, much to Lena's frustration and my amusement.

  They end up crashing in my spare room and in the morning cook up a find breakfast of eggs benedict as thanks. I would have accepted a coffee but this way better. We sit around chatting until I have to go to work. I leave the two of them there with a promise that they'll do the breakfast dishes and lock up. They are a fecking adorable couple. It's almost sickening.

  Seeing them makes me want something. Tonight, I think, tonight I will go see him. With no expectations and no grudges. Tonight.

  – – – * * * – – –

  This fucking gargoyle. I want to rip it off the door. I've been standing here staring at it for a good fifteen minutes and time does not make it more charming. Who picked this out thinking it was a good idea? The heck? It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. I try and dredge up the strength to knock and can't - twice I turn and walk back down the front path only to get to the gate and turn back again. This continues for another five minutes before my hand gets frustrated with my brain and knocks sharply just twice on the door. It's like a compromise - if he answers the door. Okay. If he didn't hear it, then I am exonerated.

  I wait a full thirty seconds before shrugging - he mustn't be home - and heading back down the garden path. I am halfway there when the door opens.

  "Hello?" Levi says, and I can tell he is confused because he can tell there's actually no one on his doorstep.

  "Oh." I say quiet
ly and then turn around. He is wearing jeans and black t-shirt but no shoes. He could have just stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad. "Hi. Levi. It's me."

  Even five metres away I can hear the sharp intake of breath. "Casey? You came. Thank you."

  "Thank Hague, not me. Apparently you convinced him."

  "I thought he was going to kill me."

  "He still might." I say, frozen on the spot, halfway between him and my car.

  "Please, come inside."

  I stay still for a moment longer, then - "Okay." He barely moves aside at the door so I have to brush past him to get inside. I can feel the warmth of his body.

  This is painful. We're both just sitting on opposite couches in silence. I am staring at my hands. He is facing dead ahead, jaw clenched.

  "So... umm... Hague said you wanted to tell me something?"

  "Yeah, I do. I just - I don't want to say it the wrong way. I like having you in my house again. The last time you were here - well I'd rather forget that."

  "Can I ask you a question first?"

  "Sure. I guess."

  "What's with that girl, Amber?"

  "Oh. Well, like I said - I met her in counseling. She kind of latched onto me - I was her project. She was in the group for alcoholism. She'd been there for months and months already. They threw everyone in together so we would help each other figure things out. I don't really know how it happened, actually." He pauses and I can tell he doesn't really want to tell me this stuff, but I asked and he has to. "She drove me home one day, let herself in and... I don't know. One thing leads to another. I was missing you so much and we just... You know."

  "I think I can figure it out." I say, screwing up my nose and failing at not trying to imagine it.

  "You were gone. I was distraught. She was there and willing and I'm only human. And it was good for a while, I'm not going to lie. But she was never you, Casey. She didn't let me be myself - she threw out all my old clothes and made her dad buy me a whole new wardrobe. That's why I'm wearing... whatever I'm wearing now. She told me I used to dress horrifically - why didn't you ever tell me that?"

  "I didn't care. You always looked adorable to me. And I never lost you in a crowd."

  He smiles briefly at that. "Amber controlled me. Treated me like a ken-doll. Like her personal plaything. You never did that. But it was easy with her - she never forced me to do things for myself or be anything more. Not like you do. And I was so angry at you for leaving. You left so suddenly. I was furious. I felt like I never wanted to talk to anyone, ever."

  "I came over to your house to tell you. You forced me away, Levi." When I say his name I choke a little. Suddenly I am aware that I'm crying. For Christ's sake - I never cry except when I'm around him.

  "I didn't know you were telling me the truth - at first I thought you were just saying that so there was an excuse to not see me. Then I realised. Well, Lena told me you were actually gone and I lost it. I trashed my house. My cousin came over and found me systematically smashing everything in my reach. He was the one who convinced me to go back to counseling."

  I look at Levi - he seems so calm. Not irrational or angry like he always used to be when talking about his feelings, or sensitive subjects. "I think it was good for you, this counseling."

  "It was. I understand what an idiot I was to you. I really do, Case." He stops and waits for me to say something, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what I feel. "Please, Casey. Can you give me another chance? I thought that my feelings would fade. I thought that they would go away and for a little bit, I think that they did... but then I heard you talking to the girl in the store and I just... I lost it. Everything came rushing back. I fucking - I don't even know what to say."

  "It wasn't easy for me either, you know. I went away and everything was fresh and new and exciting. I was seeing places that I always read about, dreamed about but I was so upset and angry because of you. I'm sorry for that. I did you wrong, leaving like that. I was just so hurt."

  He flinches and turns his face to me sadly, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry - I can't make it right. I wish I could make it right." I want to get up and go to him. To curl up next to him and hold his hand. Like everything is okay, how it was before. But it will never be like before.

  I can't take this anymore. I'm freaking out - shit got too serious, too soon. I stand abruptly,

  "I have to go."

  "What?"

  "I just remembered - I have a doctors appointment." Complete lie.

  "No, you don't." He shakes his head, "You're voice does this thing when you're lying."

  "No, I don't. But I do have to leave. Sorry. I can't do this - you make me crazy. Sorry."

  "Please, Casey... We've barely started talking."

  "I know. I know. Okay, I'll come back another day? But I can't do this now. I'll come back soon, okay? Okay. Bye." Then I bolt out of the house, slamming the door. I can hear the stupid gargoyle knocker clanging behind me.

  Two hours later I am sitting on the South Perth Foreshore with Penelope eating take-out Ciao Bella pizza (it's the best, by the way).

  "I went to see him."

  "You're an idiot." She says, around a bite.

  "I have a problem, this is true."

  "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

  "I'm clearly not over him."

  "You ought to be. I thought South America got it all out of your system?"

  "One would hope. However, it seems to have had the opposite effect. It appears to have intensified my feelings." I say, staring across the river at the Counsel Building, glowing with LED lights.

  "What about the Dutch guy?" She asks.

  "He was cute... but he always did this thing in bed. He was always like pushing my head down to get me to... you know."

  "Oh. Gross! I hate it when the do that. I know where it is, buddy, and I'll get there when I'm ready."

  I grin, "I know. It got really tiresome after a while. Levi never did that. He was a very considerate lover."

  "You're going back to him."

  "I haven't decided."

  "I already know."

  "What are you? A fucking Pre-Cog?"

  "No. But I am quite perceptive." She says sagely.

  I pull a face at her behind her back. "Huhn."

  "What are you going to do, Case?"

  "I don't know! I don't know. I just - everything is so confusing. Seeing him made me want to reverse time. Then I left the house and everything that doesn't work about us came flooding back. It's all so confusing. I don't know what to do. I want to start over with him almost. But then I'm afraid he'll just break my heart all over again."

  "I think he feels the same about you."

  "That's what makes it so difficult because I really might." I pause for a long moment, "It's not easy, you know, being with a blind person. Like it or not, no matter how independent they are... they still require a lot of taking care of... I don't know if that's what I want from my life."

  We spend a while trying to figure out the cycle of the lights on the counsel building before Pene pipes up again.

  "Casey - when you're sure what you want you can come to me and I'll help you."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean - when you decide either way what you want, come to me and we'll figure things out together, how to break away from Levi entirely, or how to get you two back together with minimum carnage."

  "What do you think I should do?"

  "I don't know. You should do what you think is best for you."

  "I think he is. I know it seems stupid and shallow, but when I was with him an entirely new world opened up - I think I was a better person with him even though he used to make me so angry sometimes."

  "What did you feel today - when you saw him again."

  "Relieved."

  "Why?"

  "Because everything will be okay." I know it will be. Whether we end up together or not. Everything will be okay because we'll both keep living. I am a strong person - I'm hung up on this guy but
someday I'll get over him. And he lived through one of the most traumatic experiences - the loss of his vision. If he can start a new life after that, he can start one after me.

  "I think I am the one who is supposed to say that." Pene says, pulling an olive off her pizza slice and throwing it into the river.

  "I know. I just - I feel like it doesn't matter how angry or upset or confused I am now, it will all work itself out. I can't explain it."

  "When are you going back to see him?"

  "I don't know. When I feel compelled I guess."

  "Jesus. Where the heck is Casey? And who replaced her with this fucking flighty hippy?"

  I laugh and shrug. She's right though - sitting and talking it over seems to have had a very liberating effect on me. "I'm here, Pene. I feel like screaming at him and kissing him all at once and the only way I'm going to figure out which I want to do more is when I see him again. It will come to me then. I can talk about it and analyse it and fucking daydream about it for the next twenty years but I'll never know the answer until I'm standing right in front of him."

  "Amen to that. Goddamn men. What good are they?"

  I don't know when you'll come back to see me. I don't know if you ever will... but Casey, I need you to know that my door is always open. Always for you.

  I get this message at close to three in the morning. I read it and fall back to sleep immediately. I dream of gargoyles and kissing Levi.

  Chapter 10

  Levi haunts my dreams for near on a week and my loving but irritating friends hassle me for the same amount of time, demanding to know my every thought on the subject. I remain mysteriously aloof - ignoring their nattering and going about my life like normal. It isn't, of course, because the tension in the air is palpable. I feel like I'm on death row in the Truman Show - on display and waiting to die. It is a strange and uncomfortable feeling, but a necessary one as I force myself to confront every single thing I want from a relationship, what I know of Levi and what I know of myself. I don't want to leave a single mind-stone unturned. The next time I go to see him I will either excuse myself from his life or tear off his clothes. At the moment the odds are irritatingly even.