Warrior of My Own

by Knightley, Diana

  “Oh crap,” I plowed to shore.

  Magnus said, “Quentin, we arna clothed, can ye turn around?”

  Quentin turned quickly away. “Yes Boss, sorry.”

  I scurried past his turned back and scooped up my panties and my shirt, having forgotten any kind of towel. I pulled them on my dripping skin, tugging the shorts up as I ran. Stuffing my bra in my back pocket as I raced up the steps and down the boardwalk to the house. Every single light was on and now I could hear it, the baby crying, and something else — shrieking.

  “Oh no no no no.”

  When I arrived at the sliding door, Emma was consoling an inconsolable baby in the kitchen while my grandma was in the middle of the living room banging her hands to her ears. Her expression full-blown traumatized.

  “Grandma?” I walked up timidly, and rightly so. As I approached, she began to swing wildly. Her screeches filled the house. “Grandma? Barb? It’s me Kaitlyn.” I tried to catch her arms to hold them firm but her body seemed frail and breakable and lost. But also she was frightened and lashing out. I ducked as she swung at my head. “It’s me, Katie, your granddaughter!”

  She shrieked again.

  Magnus came in behind me.

  Zach and Emma were huddled, bouncing the baby, shhhh-shhhhhhhhing.

  “Grandma! Barb!” I got her arms pinned to her sides, my arms wrapped around her body. “Barb! It’s me Katie! I’ll call your son, John. You want to talk to Johnny?”

  She shrieked, her mouth so close to my ear and so shrill I worried about my eardrum.

  “Barb, you take it easy. It’s all good. It’s me Katie. This is your house. This is the baby. You know, Baby Ben. You love Baby Ben. He’s just crying right now, shhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhh.” I ran my hands down her hair, repeating, cajoling, “Please Grandma Barb, shhhhhh, shhhhhhhh.” I calmed her down enough to lead her to the stairs. “We’re going to go back to your room, shhhhh, shhhhhh—”

  “Where’s Jack?”

  “Jack isn’t here Grandma. He’s in heaven now—”

  “Is that Baby Ben crying?”

  Relief washed over me. She was coming back. “Yes, Baby Ben is crying, but it’s okay. The baby is okay. You’re okay.”

  We walked up the stairs, my arms holding her tightly.

  “Did I scare the baby? I’m sorry I scared the baby.”

  “Oh no Grandma, you didn’t scare the baby. You were crying along with the baby. That’s fine. We all want to sometimes. Cause just between us that baby has some strong lungs. He can really scream if he wants and so it’s okay.” I pushed her door open and helped her on the bed. “If you want to scream too, it’s okay. Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

  “No honey, I’m okay now.” I pulled the comforter over her.

  Magnus lightly knocked. “I brought a glass of water.” He brought it to the bedside table.

  Grandma said, “It’s so sweet Magnus, thank you.” She patted him on the cheek and rolled over on her side.

  “Goodnight Grandma.”

  She nodded her head on the pillow.

  I stood and watched her for a moment before I tiptoed out of the room.

  Magnus followed me downstairs. The baby had stopped crying and was nursing in Emma’s arms on the couch. Emma looked exhausted. Her head lolled back on the cushions. Zach was perched on the arm’s edge. As soon as he saw me he said, “I’m so sorry Katie, that was — I’m so—”

  “Zach, you don’t have to apologize. What on earth would you apologize for?”

  He glanced at the stairs.

  I said, “Because Barb’s got some screws loose and rattling around upstairs, you do not need to apologize.”

  “But the baby—”

  “The baby gets to scream and holler. Baby Ben gets to cry. Do you live here?”

  “I do.”

  “Yes you do. You’re like a brother to Magnus, plus you feed him. Don’t you feed Barb too?”

  He nodded.

  “You’re the goddamned glue holding this house together. We would literally starve without you. And look at Emma here, she made a whole person. She’s feeding a whole person. She keeps my bathroom stocked with toilet paper, and I would die without her, and I’m not being over-dramatic. You don’t apologize for the baby. Baby Ben gets to scream. And you know what, I was going to apologize for Barb, but the thing is, Barb gets to scream. Everyone gets to scream if the shitstorm gets too rough. So there you go. Screaming is allowed.” I finished, my hands on my hips, breathing heavy.

  Zach smiled. “You don’t want us to move?”

  “God no. I mean, if you hate it here. If it doesn’t work for you, but I really really really need you and like you living here. You know what Magnus does when the baby is crying?” I gestured toward Magnus. “He sighs and smiles. I don’t know what weird happiness that is, but he likes it.”

  Magnus said, “Reminds me of home. Tis always a wee bairn with a cry full of noise.”

  I pointed to Magnus with a, “See?”

  Zach said, “I don’t want it to feel like it’s either-or. She’s your grandma...”

  “She is. I love her. But the nursing home has an opening. She moves there tomorrow, and it’s not your fault. It’s because that’s been the plan. I love her desperately. I didn’t want her to live in Maine, so far away, but down the street with round-the-clock care. This is not a terrible thing.” I stared at the ground for a moment. “We can make it work...”

  Everyone nodded. I went and sat on the arm of the couch near Emma and the baby. “I am truly sorry about the drama.”

  “I know, I’m sorry about the screaming.”

  I shook my head and stroked the cheek of tiny Ben, now sleeping peacefully. I whispered, “I’m sorry Barb interrupted your perfectly epic solitary scream session, I know you like center stage.”

  Emma giggled. Zach stood and stretched. “It’s one a.m. Magnus, need something from the kitchen?”

  Magnus grinned. “Do ye have more ice cream?”

  He followed Zach to the kitchen and I took a deep breath, went to the linen closet for towels to finally dry my hair, and followed them.

  Chapter 4

  I brushed my teeth staring at myself in the mirror a little buzzed still, a little satiated from the bowl of ice cream but also jangled. My husband was leaving. My grandma was wearing heavy on my heart. This shit was hard, so freaking hard. How did I go from carefree to so deep in — it sucked.

  Magnus stepped into the room, “Kaitlyn?” I was standing at the sink staring at the faucet. He pulled me into a hug and without even knowing it was about to happen I sobbed into his chest. He held me tight, stroking down the back of my hair. He led me down the hallway to the bed and sat me down on it and kneeled in front of me. “You are all right?”

  I shook my head. “It’s just so hard. It’s all so hard.” I sobbed into my hands.

  “Your grandmother daena remember ye.”

  “I know.” I collapsed on his shoulder and cried into his neck.

  “She remembers me, perhaps we could go back in time? We could introduce ye tae the Madam Barb of yore and she would know ye as you are now, clear as day.”

  I sat up, grabbed a tissue, and wiped my eyes. “No, thank you. That’s a very sweet idea, but it seems unfair to give her fake memories. Like I would be playing with her mind. I just need to focus on my own memories with her.”

  “Aye.” He held my knees. “Tomorrow we move her to the new home?”

  “Yep. I’m super conflicted and will probably cry a lot.”

  “Chef Zach and I will move boxes and ye and Ben will cry.”

  “And I’ll be able to visit her every day.”

  “It will be quiet and comfortable and nae quite so heartbreaking. But if it daena work, we’ll bring her back.”

  “It’s a deal.” I straightened my back and brushed the hair from my forehead. “Of course you won’t be here, I’ll be making that decision on my own.”

  He nodded quietly and stood.

  He drop
ped his clothes off and I stood and dropped mine off to the floor and then we both climbed into the bed. First night climbing into bed together since he came home, not even twenty-four hours before. He put up an arm and I snuggled into his chest, kissing his skin closest to my lips, so tired from the excitement and drama of the day and it was late, very late and there was a whole lot to do tomorrow—

  Chapter 5

  We woke in the stillness of dawn and made love. Our room was full of grey light. Dark enough that I kept my eyes closed. His hand moved along my skin measuring, caressing, investigating. I writhed and wriggled with his massage, waking bit by bit to his touch, slowly, sleepily, quietly. It was too early to be awake but also, every minute was borrowed.

  By the time his hand plunged between my thighs and pulled me toward him, my eyes opened onto the light of a barely there morning. I flung the covers back ready to be awake, fully. When I climbed on his body, he whispered in my ear, “Good morn.”

  I panted against his cheek and kissed the curl of hair just by his ear. “Good morning love.”

  We pushed and rocked against each other rising and falling. He said, “Speak it again.”

  “Good morning love of mine.” My voice was breathless and gravelly, my lips wet, our kisses lingering.

  “Tis good tae have your voice in my ear.”

  I pressed my hands to his wide chest and rose up to ride him into the full light of day.

  * * *

  We showered and dressed together emerging to a big breakfast and a bustling morning. Quentin stayed after his shift. Zach was ready to work. I packed boxes. Grandma puttered around helping. Magnus helped load. Quentin kind of bossed us around too much as everyone carried Grandma’s things down the steps to the Mustang and Quentin’s truck.

  Grandma kept getting sidetracked with long stories as I wrapped objects and packed them into boxes. Magnus hung on her every word. He remembered a photo of my grandparents when they were married. And the two of them talked about my grandfather. I joined in but it was such a complicated thing. My grandpa was the guy who held my hand when I was five and we walked around the lake. He introduced me to my first hockey game. Most of my memories of him were the blurry and unformed memories of youth.

  Magnus on the other hand went to a bar with my grandparents and laughed and joked with them around the dinner table. Grownup-people laughing. It was almost enough for me to imagine going back to meet them in 1995. But not quite enough. My grandma’s mind was so confused it couldn’t be a good thing to meet her before I was born.

  We packed it all up and loaded it all. It was hot, sweaty work, but also a new first because I had never worked alongside my husband before. I liked it.

  He laughed. He was in good spirits. He touched me or smiled in my direction when we passed. He was the only reason I was able to get through it because actually doing it sucked. I felt like a traitor, like I should have tried harder, maybe hired a nursing staff. Heck, I should have gotten a nursing degree then I could’ve taken care of Grandma around the clock. But also, I didn’t. And she needed more care, specialized, for longer.

  The staff met me at the front door and we moved Grandma into her room in no time at all. And so when Quentin left to go to his own apartment and Zach to go back to the house, Magnus and I stayed in her room. We went to the dining room with her to eat an early lunch and walked the grounds, all of us together. Until around twelve-thirty when she was exhausted and wanted a nap, and I finally took my leave. Hugging her goodbye I promised to visit her the following day. I held hands with Magnus, not speaking, down to the car and then, once in the driver’s seat, I hunched over the steering wheel and dissolved into tears.

  Magnus put his hand on my back and waited.

  And then I drove us home.

  Chapter 6

  Quentin’s truck was at the house.

  Magnus said, “Tis nae his shift, why is he here?”

  He rose from the car as Quentin opened the front door and rushed down the stairs.

  “Magnus, we’ve had an issue, something—” His eyes flitted to me and he gestured for Magnus to follow him.

  “Is it the baby, oh god, not the baby?” I asked from the car.

  “No, not the baby.”

  I watched Magnus follow Quentin to the house, and I stayed in the car for a moment. Then I said to myself, “Quentin didn’t tell me I had to stay in the car and who the hell is he, anyway? He's not the boss of me.” I dropped the keys into my purse and ascended to the main floor. When I entered, Zach and Emma were standing in the kitchen. Baby Ben was in Emma’s arms. Same as usual but they had worried expressions.

  “Everything cool?”

  Zach said, “Nah, somebody’s been here.”

  My heart dropped. “While you were here alone Emma? Security was here though, right?”

  She nodded. “He didn’t see anything though and someone came in the house. Luckily I was upstairs with Ben. I heard it though, someone was here walking around inside the house.”

  “Crap.”

  I crossed the living room to where Magnus and Quentin stood on the deck looking up at the sky.

  * * *

  “What happened?”

  “Someone has been in the house, Emma heard it.”

  “What did Ted see?”

  Quentin answered, “Nothing, he didn’t see anything, and Emma didn’t have his phone number. He was out front near the road, and Emma was afraid to come out of her room.”

  “Well, that’s a couple of security issues right there. It was probably a thief?”

  Magnus shook his head.

  “So what then?” But I had a guess.

  Quentin said, “Let me take you up to the office, the safe has been opened.”

  We filed up the stairs. The safe door was wide open. The money and jewels were all there. The time travel device was still there. Magnus asked, “Why is there only one?”

  “Lady Mairead took it the night she threatened me.”

  “You dinna mention that before.” He scowled down at the contents of the safe.

  “I was going to, we just keep getting interrupted.”

  Magnus shifted the contents investigating but I didn’t need to look because on the desk was a glass bowl that hadn’t been there before. It was from downstairs. The one that held Beach House-scented potpourri. The one I used to threaten Lady Mairead with when she broke in.

  The potpourri was gone and what was left was... Ash. A pile of ash. A fire had been started inside a bowl inside my house. What had been burned? “Magnus is my contract with Lady Mairead still in the safe?”

  “Nae tis gone.” He stood to investigate the bowl. “Daena touch it, there may be poison about it.” He walked around looking on the other tables and shelves.

  A couple of the pieces of ash had a yellow edge from the legal pad. “She burnt the contract. That’s what’s in here. But where’s the potpourri?” I asked.

  The two men were looking around the room disinterested in my question because it was a rather insignificant question, really.

  I wandered out of the room and down the stairs. “Zach, is the potpourri from the bowl in the trash can?”

  He lifted the lid and shook his head.

  I glanced around and then went to my bedroom. I don’t know what made me do it. The bed was made. The room seemed like it was just as I left it, perhaps a little more fragrant than before. I went to the bed and pulled back the covers. Little flaky bits of smelly dried flowers were spread all over my nice sheets. I clapped my hand to my mouth. My heart dropped. I was terrified. It hit me in the gut — I was unsafe and about to be alone again.

  A moment later Magnus stuck his head through the door. “Anythin’?” His eyes landed on the bed. He crossed the room and swept me up in his arms and held me strong and sure and long, but my mind was whirling around in a panic.

  “I have tae...” Magnus voice trailed off.

  I waited for what he was going to say, but then asked, “What are we going to do? She can come a
nd go. She knows you’re here. She’s threatening me.”

  “Och, aye. She has miscalculated verra much if she thinks I will stand for this.”

  I nodded, released from his arms, and brushed my hair from my face. “I need to clean this up. I can’t let Emma do it. She’s a nursing mom. You think I should wear gloves?”

  “Och aye, she is nae tae be—”

  “You know, here, we call someone like this a stone-cold bitch. ‘Not to be trusted’ is like an employee that steals forty dollars out of a drawer. Someone walking around poisoning and threatening — that shit deserves a different description all together.”

  He nodded, “Aye, she deserves much more.” He pushed a lock of hair off my cheek and tucked it behind my ear.

  Chapter 7

  So while Magnus made apologies to the staff and promised he would tighten security and make everything so much better, I cleaned my room — in gloves. I wiped all the surfaces. I swept the potpourri into a trash bag. I put the sheets into the trash bag too. Emma and Zach and Ben went to the store to buy me new sheets.

  I was exhausted. It had been a giant shitstorm of a day. It started with Grandma’s meltdown in the middle of the night, waking to drop her off in a home away from my home, having some weird seventeenth century curse-threat on my life and now cleaning it up.

  And then my husband came in to the room to tell me, hey, let’s go out and run through some “exercises” because he was worried about how I was going to protect myself while he was gone, probably for months.

  So yeah, I was not in a good head space.

  But I took a deep breath and decided I would try to be a helpful partner in protecting myself. Plus I had taken a few kickboxing classes. I was tired but it crossed my mind that I might impress him.

  I threw on my yoga pants and a cropped athletic bra looking great if I did say so myself. Also pretty capable.