Husband Hunters

by Genevieve Gannon

  The first notes of ‘The Lord is My Shepherd’ sounded, and the coffin came into view. A lump formed in Daniela’s throat.

  Vincenzo spoke, then Daniela read two letters she had written to her mamma. One was from her childhood, and one she had written the night before. She took her place behind the lectern and looked out on the roomful of people.

  ‘Dear Mamma,’ her voice sounded tiny. She cleared her throat and pressed on. ‘Dear Mamma, I hate camp. The food here is really bad. I want to come home and have proper food. They made us eat broccoli and they don’t know what cassata is. I hate Mr Jessop. Can we see the baboons at the zoo on Sunday? Love Daniela DeLuca.’

  The congregation tittered knowingly at the childish letter. Dani let them fall silent before continuing: ‘All my life I have been able to tell Ma everything. No matter how hard things got, I was always comforted by the fact that she was there for me, at our old home, keeping the fire burning in all of us, with love and advice, and meals that lasted late into the night. We didn’t always get along. But she had our best interests at heart. Now I will never be able to sit with her and talk again. So I have written her this one last letter to tell her all of the things I never said when I had the chance. The most important things that I should have told her every day.

  Dear Ma,

  Now it is you who has gone away and I don’t know when I will see you again. I want to write to you, but I can’t find the words. They don’t exist in any language. I need a word for terrified-lonely-grateful. I’m terrified of being without you, but grateful for the time we did have and the memories and wisdom you left behind. I need another word for love-laughter-frustration. I wanted so much to make you happy and to show you that I loved you, but I’m left feeling frustrated that I didn’t do more. I know you would have forgiven me, though. You were like that. You were strong and brave. You loved your family. I am proud of you, and I will miss you every day of my life. And now there is only one word left to say: Good-bye.

  Daniela read with a steady voice. The tears would come later, but for now Dani wanted everybody to hear how she felt. She wanted to erase from their memory every unkind word she had ever said about Gia, every complaint about Gia’s desperation to see Dani marry. At that moment she would have given anything to have Gia tug on her sleeve and say: ‘Black?! Why are you wearing black? It ages you. You don’t want to scare Cameron away, do you? He might be your last chance.’

  The vaulted ceiling echoed with the sounds of grief. The service continued. Daniela starred numbly at the casket. It was hard to imagine that the terrifying, nurturing life force of her mother was contained inside the panels of shiny wood. Daniela already missed Gia so much, and yet her mamma’s earthly self was right there in front of her. She wanted to prise open the lid and look at her one last time.

  As the priest said the final blessing and the sounds of ‘Con Te Partiro’ swelled, Dani’s cousins joined her brothers in carrying the coffin out of the church on their shoulders. Earlier in the week Daniela had insisted that she should be allowed to shoulder the casket in the funeral procession.

  ‘Ma would hate that,’ Silv had said, exasperated. ‘For once can’t you leave things to the men like she wanted you to?’

  Dani had burst into tears.

  ‘That’s not true,’ their pa boomed.

  Silv apologised and agreed that it was a nice idea.

  ‘She was proud of how strong-willed you were,’ he said. ‘Just like her.’

  But in the end it had had to be the men of the family, because Daniela was too short. She followed them with a wreath in her hand. As she walked, she saw Clementine and Annabel with red-rimmed eyes. Next to them stood Cameron, stony-faced. He gave her a kind look. Behind them, friends of Gia dabbed their eyes. Dani concentrated on the floor, making sure she continued to put one foot in front of the other. She looked up and saw James.

  ‘Daniela,’ he mouthed, his eyes puffed from crying. She gasped. He stood alone. Her feet kept moving her forward, but all she could see was James’s face. One thought repeated itself: Ma will never get to meet James. A sob burst from her. Her legs went weak. She fell in slow motion. The wreath broke apart as it hit the carpet. Dani felt dizzy. The voices of the people who had seen her fall reached her ears. Then a man spoke.

  ‘Dani, are you okay?’

  James was beside her. He put his arms around her and squeezed her shoulders. The soft cotton of his shirt soothed her hot face as he held her to his chest.

  ‘I miss her,’ Daniela sobbed.

  His strong hands stroked the back of her head. She didn’t know how long they sat like that. ‘Con Te Partiro’ was still playing.

  ‘We have to get up,’ she said.

  ‘Shh. It’s okay.’ His voice was full of concern. He ran his hand over her hair again. She pushed him back and got uneasily to her feet. His tenderness made her sick with longing. She lurched outside, where the coffin was being passed into the hearse. Her pa covered his face and turned his back to the long, black car. Dani went to his side. She put her arms around him the way James had just done moments before, and tried to shut out the world.

  At the wake Daniela tried to keep herself busy by serving food. About 2am that morning she had attempted to make some cannoli, thinking it would please Gia. But she hadn’t gotten the pastry right and the custard filling was turning the casings to mush. People took them anyway. Her tray was almost empty when Annabel and Clementine appeared at her side.

  ‘Is there anything we can do?’ Clem asked.

  ‘Find me a husband. It’s the one thing she wanted from me.’ Dani smiled weakly at the awful joke.

  ‘She just didn’t want you to be lonely.’

  Dani shivered. Every time she thought of how desperate her ma had been to see her settled, the same thing occurred to her: it was like she knew she was going to leave her.

  Dani looked at her two friends. ‘I’m not lonely,’ she said. ‘Since we have been seeing each other again I haven’t felt alone. Even now, the worst time in my life is easier because you are here.’

  They put their arms around each other. Annabel wiped away a tear.

  ‘I’d better get back to serving,’ Daniela said. Annabel took the tray from her hands.

  ‘Let me take care of that. Sit down. Have a coffee. You must be worn out.’

  ‘Perhaps I’ll get some air,’ Dani nodded.

  The lounge room was stuffed with flowers in crinkly cellophane wrapping. Daniela’s Zio Frank was taking charge of the barbeque in the backyard. James was handing around a plate of meat. He jutted his chin as Dani approached. Her spirits lifted.

  ‘You big baby.’ She gave him a punch in the arm.

  ‘You spoke beautifully,’ he said, offering her the pick of the charred pork chops. ‘I haven’t seen Mum or Dad in weeks; I think I’m going to call them tonight.’

  ‘You should,’ she said. ‘Thanks for coming.’

  James touched her shoulder. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Of course I would be here—’ They were interrupted.

  ‘Dani, there you are.’ It was Cameron. Two of Gia’s friends, Signora Conti and Signora Fazzoloti, were with him.

  ‘We’re leaving, dear — it’s soup-van night. We just wanted to say goodbye.’

  Gia had worked with Signoras Conti and Fazzoloti on the St Vincent de Paul soup van on Tuesday and Sunday nights since Dani was in primary school. They looked at James, looked at Cameron, and then looked at her.

  ‘This is James Jensen. We work together,’ Dani said.

  ‘At the construction company?’ said Signora Conti. ‘Your mother used to talk all the time about the homes you built.’

  Signora Fazzoloti butted in. ‘Our soup van went down Cleveland Street. Every time we passed your high-rise flats, she pointed them out. Twice a week, every week, for four years. “My daughter built that,” she said.’

  Daniela hadn’t known that. Unable to speak, she just nodded.

  She kissed their cheeks and said goodbye. Mr Marino came towar
ds her and announced he needed to leave, too.

  ‘I see you, and it is like your mother is still here,’ he said, pinching her cheek. Dani realised then that everyone was going to tell her how like her ma she was. She told James and Cameron she was going to go upstairs to fix her hair. Instead, she locked herself in her bedroom and didn’t come down until everybody had left.

  Daniela had taken the week off to sort things out. On Monday morning she felt ready to face the worksite, but when she opened the door to her office it felt wrong. The world was altered and would never be the same again, and here she was carrying on as though it was a regular day. She put down her bag and the concertina folder filled with documents she had looked over on her week off. Then, working at a glacial pace, she slowly picked away at the work, achieving very little. But it was better than nothing.

  There was a soft knock at the door. Dani reached for a tissue and wiped her face. Tears had been gathering in her eyes all morning as she read progress reports. A few of the pages had wet spots where tears had fallen and soaked into the paper.

  ‘Come in.’

  Briggs stuck his head cautiously into her office. He held a thick yellow envelope in his hands. He shuffled in and cleared his throat once, then again, before putting the package on Dani’s desk.

  ‘Er, I thought you’d want to see this,’ he said.

  ‘What is it?’ Dani reached for the open envelope and slid out its contents. The documents had the Dayton logo stamped on the corner.

  ‘It’s, er, the authorisation for the new plans. Your plans. They signed off on your plans.’

  ‘Oh,’ she pulled out the wad of papers and looked at them. Hasty blue signatures had been added to the bottom.

  ‘We had to start immediately … last week when you were … It was all thanks to you.’

  ‘Oh.’ She knew she should have been pleased, but something inside her felt stalled. Blocked.

  Briggs looked at his feet.

  ‘You did real good, kid,’ he said, lifting his gaze to her. ‘You really saved our bacon.’

  Something warm stirred inside Daniela. She smiled.

  ‘Thanks, Briggs.’

  He nodded. ‘Are you okay with everything … I mean … you could have taken more time if you wanted.’

  She sighed. ‘Thanks. No. I needed to occupy my mind.’

  ‘Well, if you ever, you know, need anything …’ He headed for the door. ‘I’ll leave you alone, but don’t be afraid to …’

  ‘Thanks.’

  He stopped, his hand on the doorknob.

  ‘I was real proud of you, kid,’ he said. ‘We all were.’

  Dani felt her eyes fog up again. She smiled weakly.

  He nodded and left.

  She phoned Joey and Silv, and told them to come to Leichhardt for the family dinner on Wednesday night.

  ‘What are we eating?’ asked Joey.

  Dani hadn’t thought that far ahead.

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll cook,’ she said.

  ‘If you do the pasta and garlic bread, I’ll bring cacciatore,’ he said.

  Silv offered to bring dessert. ‘How’s Pa?’ he asked.

  ‘He’s okay, considering.’

  Vincenzo had spent the week shuffling around in his pyjamas, so Dani asked Silv if he could pick up some more men’s pyjamas during the week.

  Putting down the phone, she noticed a card on her desk. She ripped the envelope and opened the card inside. Call me any time you need a friend, James.

  Great salty tears rolled down her cheeks. She held it in her hands and studied the words until she was distracted by a text message. It was from James, too. It simply said: Welcome back. Do you need anything?

  Daniela started to type a reply, but for the second time in a week she couldn’t find the words. She didn’t know what she wanted to say to him. She needed to express fear-hope-longing. Watching her father mourn for her mother had made her realise that she didn’t want to go on pretending that she was happy having James just as a friend. She started typing again: I don’t need you to be my friend. She studied her message for a minute. He might misread it. She deleted the letters and put her phone away.

  She left work early, anxious to get home to her pa. He was in his chair watching the news when Dani arrived with a bag of groceries. The curtains were drawn and the lights were off.

  She sat on the arm of his chair and kissed his forehead.

  ‘How was today?’

  ‘I’ll be okay.’ He patted her hand.

  After dinner she received a voice message from Cameron. She didn’t feel like seeing him, and decided she would call him back in the morning. Selfishly, she just wanted to lie down and feel someone’s arms around her and not have to speak. Daniela could have invited him to spend the night, but she didn’t want to. She knew it was because she didn’t want to lie in someone’s arms; she wanted to lie in James’s arms.

  Pa poked his head into the kitchen.

  ‘I’m off to bed, then.’ His voice was weary, and deep creases had formed around his eyes.

  ‘Night.’ Dani stood and kissed him again.

  She heard him make his way upstairs, and then the house was silent again. She looked at the message James had sent.

  Suddenly she had to tell him how she felt. She had to do it straight away.

  She started typing, unburdening herself into the phone’s text plain. She told him how she thought about him constantly. How he made her happier than anybody else she knew.

  I’m in love with you, she clicked into the phone.

  Her fingers worked furiously. There was not enough room. She realised it was stupid to do it via text. She dialled his number, but decided that wouldn’t do either. She had to see him, so she composed a new message.

  I need you, she typed. Then, before she could change her mind, she closed her eyes and pressed send.

  James called straight away.

  ‘Where are you?’ he said breathlessly.

  ‘At Ma and Pa’s in Leichhardt. I just need someone to talk to.’

  ‘I’ll be right over.’

  After the line went dead, she stood up. He was coming. Her hands were shaking. She ran her fingers through her hair and walked around the lounge room. Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang.

  ‘James,’ she said, opening the door to him. He looked pale in the white glow of the porch light. He hugged her. After a moment, she pulled away.

  ‘How are you?’ He held her with steady arms.

  ‘James, I have to tell you something,’ she said. ‘I have to do it before it’s too late.’

  He looked at her encouragingly.

  ‘I —’ The words stuck in her throat. Just say it, her mind shouted: I’m in love with you.

  ‘I—’

  ‘Dani, what is it? You look stressed, are you feeling okay?’

  She nodded and wiped her brow. ‘I’ve just been thinking. A lot lately. About Ma and what she wanted for me.’

  ‘That’s natural.’

  ‘The thing is she really wanted me to … I feel like she was always disappointed I never—’

  James watched her patiently. She felt anxious; as though a balloon of fear was inflating in her chest. She changed tactics.

  ‘Do you really think I push people away?’

  ‘Is that what this is about? No. No, I don’t think that. I shouldn’t have said it.’

  ‘But I think it’s true.’

  ‘No, no, that wasn’t about you. That was about me. You’re so warm and funny and … just … easy to be around.’

  This wasn’t going how she had hoped.

  ‘Then why don’t … why don’t I have a husband?’

  ‘A husband?’ He looked shocked. ‘Dani, I don’t know why you don’t have a husband, if that’s what you want. You should have a husband. If that’s how you measure your self-worth, you should have seven husbands.’

  She smiled and gave James a push.

  ‘I never knew you cared about that sort of thing,’ he said.<
br />
  She sucked in a lungful of air. ‘No, I didn’t really,’ she agreed. ‘I think it’s just what I’ve felt others have always expected. To Ma, it was the most important thing in the world. And then it became not about a husband but about one person.’

  She looked up at his kind green eyes that had given her happiness and comfort and companionship. Now, they gave her courage.

  ‘I—’ She faltered again.

  ‘Come here,’ he said, and wrapped his arms around her. ‘You, Daniela DeLuca, are one of this world’s true great women. And even if you are impossible to understand sometimes, I’m very proud to call you my friend.’

  Friend. That word landed like an iron anvil, and she remembered that James was with Abbey. Sadness welled up inside her. A sob escaped her lips. She tried to twist away, unable to settle for his tepid touch. But he wouldn’t let her.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he said, holding her. ‘You don’t have to be tough all the time.’

  ‘It’s so hard,’ she squeezed her eyes closed.

  For what felt like the hundredth time that week, she cried. She let the grief pour out of her. She let him hold her. But she felt empty inside. She knew she shouldn’t let the embrace continue. But she couldn’t bear to let him go.

  Chapter 25 Clementine

  ‘How many tins of tomatoes?’

  ‘Eight,’ said Clem. ‘No, nine.’

  Annabel put the cans in the trolley. For the occasion of going to the supermarket, she was dressed in six-inch heels and a purple dress that was anchored to her waist by a thin suede belt.

  ‘How many lasagnes are you making?’

  ‘Six. Two for Joey, two for Silv, and two for Dani and her pa. They can freeze them.’

  ‘You’re a good friend.’

  ‘Few would agree that subjecting the bereaved to my cooking is a kindness.’